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Original poster

Husband of 14 years together 23 left me and children for affair partner and I am broken

130 replies

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 13:43

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out for some support from people who may have experienced something similar to my situation (that said I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy)

my husband of 14 years (together for 23 years) has left me and my 2 children for his affair partner. This happened on 27th March. I woke up at 6am and he was sat on the side of the bed and said he needed to talk. I don’t know why but I asked if there was someone else and he said yes. My children heard and by 6:25am he was gone! He has gone to stay at his parents.

I am literally broken. He has been cold with me since the day he left and I have seen him once to talk too. It’s like he has this power over me that we will talk when he is ready. Right up until he left I had no idea. It was my 40th birthday at the end of Feb and he planned the most amazing things with the help of my 14 year old daughter.

Apparently he didn’t know he was looking for anyone else but it was love at first sight and he had to act on that. He said he fell out of love with me the day he met her on a works call. We all work for the same company. They had been speaking for 3/4 weeks before he decided to leave and nothing physical had happened apparently. He even said himself it sounds crazy but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to believe anymore!

i just don’t know how to process this information. The pain is getting worse not better and I just cannot make him see what he has lost. We started an extension 2 weeks before he left, the extension was a dream for us and we worked so hard to get there then he was gone.

my children are struggling and don’t want to see him but he both of their football coaches so it makes it a bit difficult. We did everything in life together as our little family of 4 and had some of the best times. I’m not saying it was always easy but it was worth it!

he has said he feels a lot of guilt and selfishly is putting stuff of because of that guilt but I can’t feel any sympathy for him. This is what he wanted so surely the guilt he’s saying is probably just to pacify me. His children say they don’t know him anymore.

from experience, do these love at first sight relationships work. I need to find some strength in feeling a little happier in myself but right now I just wish the days away.

any advice/comments anything is very much appreciated. I am not getting anything from him right now and not sure I will.

he did also say that we were soul mates but the love has gone. This whole thing blows my mind.

anyway sorry for the essay. Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Livpool · 13/05/2025 18:17

He ended up on antidepressants because you had rats?!

He sounds extremely immature generally. It’s hard but don’t show him you miss him - talk to friends about it instead. And don’t blame yourself - he sounds pathetic

Livpool · 13/05/2025 18:21

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 16:28

The kids are struggling. My DS now has shingles and my DD is very upset and angry at her dad. She feels betrayed. Neither of them respond to his messages really and they don’t want to see him. They are both down to have counselling through school. I am trying my best to support them. They say they don’t know him anymore which is really sad because he was an amazing dad and we were all very close.

He has caused this so he can deal with the fallout

SpunkySquid · 13/05/2025 18:25

What a pair of selfish dicks. I’m sorry you’re going through this op.

Figgygal · 13/05/2025 18:28

Agree with others
Get angry op not with her but him
No more messages
Firm boundaries around the children contact and your home
He needs to step back from football
Ensure he continues to pay what he needs to
Do you work? Does your employer offer An employee assistance programme? They could help with practical and emotional support.

pitterypattery00 · 13/05/2025 18:34

OP I haven't been in your position of a relationship ending after decades and with children. But I did have a 5 year relationship end in similar circumstances (he met someone through work) and it devastated me - I'd been with him my whole adult life at that point. He had been the person I spoke to about everything and now I was going though the worst time ever he's the one I wanted to talk to, which sounds crazy I know. Instead I wrote down all the things I wanted to say to him, about everything he had thrown away, about the lies the new woman had told about me, about how hurt I was. I never shared these with anyone but having them out of my head and on paper helped my poor, sad, confused brain to rest rather than constantly churning. (FWIW he was with her for a few years but it didn't work out long term.)

ERthree · 13/05/2025 18:47

I am so so sorry you and your Children are going through this. It is really important to grieve but at the same time you need to start building your new future. He has trampled all over you and the children, would you really want him back, would you want to teach your Daughters that his behaviour is ok and he should be forgiven? Don't try to understand what he has done because you are a decent person therefore your head won't be able to bend to understanding his wickedness.
Remember he knows you and will think he can control you and your reactions, don't allow him too.
You will get there and one day you will see him for exactly what he is.

TipsyJoker · 13/05/2025 18:55

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 15:40

From what he’s said he would never want to come back because he is so in love. I just wish he knew how loved he was here and how much we miss him

He knows but he doesn’t care. Block him. Go through the solicitor. Look after you and the children. He has abandoned all of you.

TipsyJoker · 13/05/2025 19:00

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 16:28

The kids are struggling. My DS now has shingles and my DD is very upset and angry at her dad. She feels betrayed. Neither of them respond to his messages really and they don’t want to see him. They are both down to have counselling through school. I am trying my best to support them. They say they don’t know him anymore which is really sad because he was an amazing dad and we were all very close.

They are right to feel this way and their wish not to see him should be respected. They are old enough to understand and make that choice for themselves. He has shown them the ultimate betrayal. He’s left them high and dry for a woman he doesn’t even really know and he’s hurt their mother tremendously too. I’m not surprised they want nothing to do with him. They great dad you talk of is dead. I would never want to see him again either if I was them.

RainbowLife · 13/05/2025 19:27

💐
I'm not in exactly the same boat but quite a similar one. You're getting good advice here and I'm going to try to take some of it on board myself. It's heartbreaking but we can find a way forward with our children.

I'm only a little further along, my bombshell dropped last November. It's been hell but as Winston Churchill said 'When you're going through hell, keep going'. 6 months later I feel more myself again some of the time but grief also catches me unexpectedly now and then.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/05/2025 19:34

As devastating as it is please do not say he has left the children and especially not in front of them however much you feel like he has. He has left your relationship not his children other than he is not living with them if that makes sense. I am sure he loves his children as much as he always have but it is the relationship that isn't working for him (in that he has checked out and moved on with someone else). I know this sounds harsh but please don't let your children ever fell it has anything to do with them.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 13/05/2025 19:39

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 13:49

She is the same age as him with 2 children similar age to mine. How do women do this to other women and children. It absolutely infuriates me!

I'm so sorry he has put you and your poor children through this.
He may live to regret his impulsivity when it sinks in that the grass isn't greener and that he has fucked up his relationship with his children.
What a selfish, stupid man.

PrettyPuss · 13/05/2025 19:44

Happened to me a few years ago, very tough and shocking at first. Thought my life was over but 6 years on, everyone is happier. I have even grown to like my exH’s girlfriend. Never thought any of those possible 6 years ago.

For now, you just have to go with your emotions. Runaway Husbands website, book and private Facebook group helped me enormously.www.runawayhusbands.com

Pricelessadvice · 13/05/2025 19:46

Try and reframe things OP.
How dare he leave you and two children like that! Get angry about it, not upset. Stop reaching out to him, get a solicitor on board and get things sorted out with regards house, divorce etc.

A similar thing happened to a close relative. Her husband of over 20 years, and father to her two children, left her for a woman at work. She hates his guts as a result. His sons didn’t have anything to do with him for a good few years afterwards. They have a relationship now, but it’s not the same. They are extremely close to their mum and the three of them made a fantastic little family unit after he left. We were all shocked because he was absolutely the very last person you’d think would have an affair and walk out on his family… but he did.

Franpie · 13/05/2025 20:23

Spirallingdownwards · 13/05/2025 19:34

As devastating as it is please do not say he has left the children and especially not in front of them however much you feel like he has. He has left your relationship not his children other than he is not living with them if that makes sense. I am sure he loves his children as much as he always have but it is the relationship that isn't working for him (in that he has checked out and moved on with someone else). I know this sounds harsh but please don't let your children ever fell it has anything to do with them.

As someone who was 15 when this exact situation happened to my parents, I 100% agree with this advice.

Mardychum · 13/05/2025 20:40

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 14:19

yes it was due to rats in our loft. He really struggled with it. He’s never been great at dealing with his emotions but this was a real low for him. That said I supported him and made sure he was ok even though it was really tough. I feel like I have just been kicked to the curb.

I am concerned he’s not ok, but while he’s on these tablets there is nothing I can do at all.

Don't make excuses for his shitty behaviour.

I promise you will be okay in time op I've been there. He will not. But you won't care in time.

EilishMcCandlish · 13/05/2025 20:46

mathanxiety · 13/05/2025 16:27

You need to stop hoping he'll regain his senses and come back.

The relationship as you know it is over. He has flushed it down the loo for reasons youbare likely never to understand and perhaps he won't ever understand either. He's a fool. None of this was your fault.

Find a solicitor. Talk about money. Talk about divorce.

You can always get back together when his bubble bursts, if you feel like it. It will completely mess with your children's heads if you do though...

You owe it to the children and to yourself to shore up your financial foundations.

This is the best post here. And I say that as someone who has done the taking someone back when the bubble burst. Which I do not regret, hard as it has been.

Find your feet, find your strength and dignity. No more emotional outbursts. Think about it - what is more unappealing than a weeping, snot dribbling mess? You have to find your power. That does not mean having to be aggressive and angry.

You can hold the hope, but you hold it to yourself. Only make contact when it is directly related to shared 'business' , kids, house etc. And only then when you really have to because you can't make a solo decision.

Begby6789 · 13/05/2025 20:49

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 13:49

She is the same age as him with 2 children similar age to mine. How do women do this to other women and children. It absolutely infuriates me!

He's probably told her a pack of lies about how awful you are. Don't forget that the blame falls squarely on him.

jealy · 13/05/2025 20:58

May his new girlfriend get rats in her attic. Amen.

StartingAgainFGS · 13/05/2025 21:04

This happened to me a few months ago OP. I'm so sorry, it is complete shit. As others have said, he'll follow "the script"...it's depressingly accurate.
I've had horrific times, but in the main doing ok. You will get there!
Have you got supportive friends?
My family have been not great but my friends have been brilliant

TammyJones · 13/05/2025 21:07

KawasakiBabe · 13/05/2025 15:57

My DH of 25 years did that to me. I was utterly devastated, I fell to pieces. He’d been a wonderful husband for all of that time but had some serious mental health issues. I went no contact immediately, filed for divorce within a month, and didn’t speak to him for months. He was literally begging me to take him back.

My DH has been living alone for a year and is getting some serious psychiatric help and is in counselling. He has changed his job to a less stressful one. He’s determined to make it up to me. I’m softening but only in the knowledge he’s making some serious changes and his actions are match his words. Only time will tell if I soften enough to allow a chink in my armour.

I took away the power his affair had over me. It really was a pathetic weak man’s action.

Good luck to you, you’re a good woman, never forget that.

That was amazing.
You are certainly are a strong woman.
I knew someone who did similar (eventually) - they worked things through

Original poster
Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 21:09

I can hear it now what he will be saying to her about me, I’m crazy, toxic, delusional, mental I’m sure it’s all coming out which does make me feel really paranoid.

I have a great support network but since I was 17 if there was a crisis he was my go to person and now I can’t go to him which is what I find so hard.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 13/05/2025 21:14

Wow, I am so sorry this happened to you.

I had a similar experience, where DH just up & left me, then just would not communicate with me, at all. I had no answers, no idea why, just totally unexpected & the absolute blanking made it worse.

I just wanted him to talk, tell me why, explain it. I felt I was owed atleast that..

In the end, for my own dignity & self respect I started treating him the same way. Very, very slowly, he started talking but if I pushed too hard or too fast, it was back to square one.

You unfortunately might never get a proper explanation or you might, but it's going to take time. The whole process is shit. handhold & flowers from me

RainbowZebraWarrior · 13/05/2025 21:19

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 21:09

I can hear it now what he will be saying to her about me, I’m crazy, toxic, delusional, mental I’m sure it’s all coming out which does make me feel really paranoid.

I have a great support network but since I was 17 if there was a crisis he was my go to person and now I can’t go to him which is what I find so hard.

So you know he can be a shit then?

Honestly, do yourself a favour and as others have said, reframe your thinking. You may benefit from CBT as (and this is being totally honest) even with your user name, you are focusing on the negative.

My motto has always been that no man will ever break me. I'm not being glib, just realistic.

Your kids don't want to see him for a reason. He isn't 'loved and missed here' He's an arehole who's fucked you all over.

Also, 'met someone at work and fell in love' is very Matt Hancock. It's so unattractive, predictable and pathetic. As well as common in middle aged men.

Zet1 · 13/05/2025 21:23

Broken2025 · 13/05/2025 16:28

The kids are struggling. My DS now has shingles and my DD is very upset and angry at her dad. She feels betrayed. Neither of them respond to his messages really and they don’t want to see him. They are both down to have counselling through school. I am trying my best to support them. They say they don’t know him anymore which is really sad because he was an amazing dad and we were all very close.

You can support them by getting on with life and setting boundaries! I'm sorry this happened but now is the time to take control of what you have control over, you!

AnonWho23 · 13/05/2025 21:33

You need to change your mindset. Your relationship with him is done. He throw away 23 years for someone he knew for 23 days. It doesn't matter if his relationship with her fails. He's not loyal to you or your marriage. I know you want to blame it on the medication, his depression or even a midlife crisis. It doesn't matter. You will never trust him again. Your kids are old enough to arrange their own contact. You don't need to get involved. You only need contact for financial reasons. You need to keep your communication professional. This isn't a partner anymore. This is someone that has a legal and financial responsibility to you. You need to distance yourself.