Husband of 14 years together 23 left me and children for affair partner and I am broken

[Broken2025]

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out for some support from people who may have experienced something similar to my situation (that said I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy)

my husband of 14 years (together for 23 years) has left me and my 2 children for his affair partner. This happened on 27th March. I woke up at 6am and he was sat on the side of the bed and said he needed to talk. I don’t know why but I asked if there was someone else and he said yes. My children heard and by 6:25am he was gone! He has gone to stay at his parents.

I am literally broken. He has been cold with me since the day he left and I have seen him once to talk too. It’s like he has this power over me that we will talk when he is ready. Right up until he left I had no idea. It was my 40th birthday at the end of Feb and he planned the most amazing things with the help of my 14 year old daughter.

Apparently he didn’t know he was looking for anyone else but it was love at first sight and he had to act on that. He said he fell out of love with me the day he met her on a works call. We all work for the same company. They had been speaking for 3/4 weeks before he decided to leave and nothing physical had happened apparently. He even said himself it sounds crazy but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to believe anymore!

i just don’t know how to process this information. The pain is getting worse not better and I just cannot make him see what he has lost. We started an extension 2 weeks before he left, the extension was a dream for us and we worked so hard to get there then he was gone.

my children are struggling and don’t want to see him but he both of their football coaches so it makes it a bit difficult. We did everything in life together as our little family of 4 and had some of the best times. I’m not saying it was always easy but it was worth it!

he has said he feels a lot of guilt and selfishly is putting stuff of because of that guilt but I can’t feel any sympathy for him. This is what he wanted so surely the guilt he’s saying is probably just to pacify me. His children say they don’t know him anymore.

from experience, do these love at first sight relationships work. I need to find some strength in feeling a little happier in myself but right now I just wish the days away.

any advice/comments anything is very much appreciated. I am not getting anything from him right now and not sure I will.

he did also say that we were soul mates but the love has gone. This whole thing blows my mind.

anyway sorry for the essay. Thank you for reading

Yes, sorry I didn’t make that clear. He left to live with a woman 20 years younger than me.

We are tied completely, mortgage, kids and a now a grandchild on the way. I still went no contact. We met early days to agree to a financial plan and then everything went through our divorce solicitor. No contact was the absolute best thing for me, people say go no contact to get them back but honestly I did it entirely for me. It bloody hurt and I couldn’t process going from amazing marriage to never speaking to him again but it was the only thing that allowed me to actually start that process.

That's not to say take him back. He has well and truly blown this but for my piece of mind I would want to know what sort of woman she is ( arguably the worst sort whatever way you look at it but it's worse if she wasn't spun a tale). I'd want to know because she may be part of my children's future and I would want any info to protect them as much as possible.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and your children.

how are they in all of this?

I don’t want to be harsh but you need to stop worrying about this man, about his decisions, about his medication. He isn’t the man you married. You need to put urself first. Sending hugs

You need to stop hoping he'll regain his senses and come back.

The relationship as you know it is over. He has flushed it down the loo for reasons youbare likely never to understand and perhaps he won't ever understand either. He's a fool. None of this was your fault.

Find a solicitor. Talk about money. Talk about divorce.

You can always get back together when his bubble bursts, if you feel like it. It will completely mess with your children's heads if you do though...

You owe it to the children and to yourself to shore up your financial foundations.

Absolutely do not contact the OW. I didn’t even know her name, until months later and then I immediately blocked her on all platforms. I don’t want to know a single thing about her and I don’t want her to know a single thing about me.

That way madness lies.

The kids are struggling. My DS now has shingles and my DD is very upset and angry at her dad. She feels betrayed. Neither of them respond to his messages really and they don’t want to see him. They are both down to have counselling through school. I am trying my best to support them. They say they don’t know him anymore which is really sad because he was an amazing dad and we were all very close.

They are old enough to make these decisions. If they choose not to contact him short term or even long term that is their choice.

he needs to understand he caused this. Do not force the kids to have contact with him when he comes to u asking for help.

He has done this to them, so at the very least stand by them and stop contacting him. Respect their wish for distance. He is not the father they knew. He is certainly not the man you married. He is to all intents and purposes a stranger and you need to start treating him like one.

He has broken his children’s hearts for someone he barely knows.

Focus solely on your dc.

You said in the OP that you’re getting nothing from him. Does that mean he’s not paying you any money to keep the kids and the house? Or have I misunderstood? If not make it a priority to get CMS involved pronto.

I'm so sorry. I know that pain of being left for another woman, although my relationship was not as long as yours. But it is agony. Excruciating.

You will get excellent advice from plenty of people whose own experience is closer to yours than mine was, but for what it is worth, the one, single thing that I would suggest, for your own sanity, is to totally block him on everything except an email address. Make every interaction written so that you have both a record of what has been said, but also so that you can take your time when responding. This allows you to stop, think, take advice and take the emotion out of what you are saying. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock.

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt you are. I know that's easy to say. I recall believing utterly that if the man I believed I knew understood how much pain I was in, he would do everything he could to ease it. But it doesn't work that way. The more emotion you give him, the colder and harder he will become. So you need to become cold and hard first. Minimising the media through which you can have contact and making everything factual, emotionless and written is the best way to do this.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will gradually start to hurt less.

Stop sending him emotional messages and chasing him. He's a weak man who has let down his family, show your kids they have one parent who is strong and dependable. You can do the pick me dance but right now, he's caught up in the first few months of a new relationship, it's still in it's fantasy stage and everything feels all happy and magical... your messages will fall on deaf ears and he'll portray you as desperate, negative, crazy or needy.

As hard as it is, step back, take a deep breath and go as close to no contact as is possible, make your interactions with him as cold and clinical as you can bear, only talk about essential logistics and by email, when you can pause before replying, rather than quick texts or f2f.
Don't let him weasel out of financial or childcare obligations, let him realise how difficult his life will be as a single parent.

The rats thing doesn't make sense, did he have a pre existing fear of rats?
If not, could this have been the true start of things with the OW, and he was covering for himself or struggling with the initial deception?

He is not who you think he is. The man you love is gone. It's harsh but the sooner you start to change the way you see the situation the easier it will become in time.

Don't allow him to call the shots. As hard as it is, stop reaching out to him except through a solicitor in relation to the house and finances.

Focus on money and the kids, talk to a solicitor. Stop sending him messages, it won’t make any difference and honestly stop focusing on OW, it’s on him not her to safeguard your marriage, you can’t steal a person, he left of his own accord. The sooner you accept that the better for you but absolutely stop messaging him, he really doesn’t deserve any of your affection or attention.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, OP. And I genuinely feel for you and your kids, but in the nicest way possible, you need to try and pull yourself together a bit for their sake.

Stop sending him emotional messages, writing him letters, and trying to talk to him because you have so much to say. Just stop.

He's a dick. Let him go. Stop begging him to come back and hoping he will.

You need to be strong. And move forward. You and the kids.

You're worth so much more, OP. Seriously. File for divorce and carve out a new life for yourself without him.

I feel this so much. My ex H left me after 13 years of marriage (22 years together). The OW was my (former!) best friend. The pain of it was almost unbearable, visceral. I look back now about and actually marvel how I got through it.

Counselling was a lifesaver as was allowing myself to feel everything. I learnt the hard way that messaging is pointless - they will never reply with what it is you want, no matter how heartfelt and long. Spilling everything to my counsellor and amazing friends and family instead was key.

I read often on these posts that men often come back and realise their mistakes. Some do, but just as many don’t. They are still together. However, my life is now so, so much better than I can could have ever imagined, both then and during my marriage. I’ve never been happier. Hearing that when I posted on MN gave me glimmers of hope. Thinking of you x

Well, you had rats in the attic and another one in your bed OP. Don't discuss anything with him other than finances and the children. Keep it to practicalities. He hasn't had a breakdown, he's doing what millions of men do every day. They have no guilt about ditching their wives or kids to move on to exciting new flesh. They don't give two shits - it's all about them. I also doubt very much that this was love at first sight.

He is not a wonderful father or husband. He has put his own lust before his family. You cannot possibly love someone you have spoken to for four weeks enough to give up everything for them.
If I read it correctly, this was in March?
You need to do what's best for your children. Don't beg for him, don't hope he will come back. Start making plans to make the best for you and your children. Get your self respect back....have counselling if you need it but get a grip on your life. The best revenge, as they say, is a life well lived. Don't let him ruin yours any further.

He did it. And if it wasn’t her it would be someone else. Don’t blame a woman because your marriage broke up, it’s all on him. She owes you nothing.

They need you to be strong for them. Tell them that you are there for them and you're not going anywhere and that you will all be ok. That you will get through this, because you will. It's painful and scary right now but you will all come out the other side and you will be a stronger, independent woman. You will make a good life for you and your children.

Hi @Broken2025 i really feel for you but you must understand
You did not cause this
You need to find your fight
You must not contact him
He caused this hurt yet i am reading from your replies you would have him back in a heartbeat (please correct me if i am wrong)
I am certain your DH would not leave a stable secure marriage for a woman he had only just met… you say they work together so i am guessing this has been in the pipeline for a while and he has chosen March to do it… maybe the OW gave him an ultimatum?
maybe he just snapped?
maybe the OW ended her relationship if she had one or gave him the go ahead to be serious with her
You will NEVER know so stop trying to answer questions that can never be answered… if you talk with him he WILL lie, what reason does he have to cause you more pain and look even more of a knob…get your financials in order and sort out any CM you should be receiving and help towards half the mortgage/bills
You WILL be happy again it’s just a matter of time and that is where you can take control…
YOU can choose when, don’t allow him to make any more decisions on your behalf
❤️

Bu sending him emotional messages, he is seeing that you care. He can "pick you" or he can "pick her". Don't do it. Don't communicate any feelings - he isn't worth it. He has treated you terribly. Go stony silent - only communicate what you need to. Give him a deadline if you need his input - 'if I don't hear from you about this by X date, I will do Y". Take care x

This. I know it’s harsh but it’s been seven weeks and you need to regroup and focus on yourself and your kids, not on trying to understand him or win him back.

As someone who has been through the same and come out the other side, I can tell you that you will ok. It won’t feel like it now, but you will get through it, and you will build a happy life for you and your children. Just take each day at a time.

The sertraline thing is interesting, my XH was also on it. But as PP have said, I wouldn’t use that as an excuse for his behaviour. Mine had very low esteem, high levels of anxiety and occasional suicidal thoughts, hence the sertraline. His head got turned because he didn’t like himself very much, and she treated him like the sun shone out of his arse. So his unhappiness was nothing to do with him, it was all me! And she was the saviour and answer to all his problems. Men like that don’t like to look too hard at themselves as it’s too painful, they find a new person to rely on to make them “happy”

Your blame is misplaced. Ultimately they may have both had an instant connection, she has potentially (rightly) said nothing can ever happen you are in a relationship, he has then made the choice to leave without any physical affair happening.

It sucks. It really does. But you will get through this even if right now it doesnt feel that way

See a solicitor and start Divorce proceedings it’s the only thing you can do for your own self respect. If kids don’t want to see him right now ask him to step down as coach until access has been properly sorted and claim maintenance and everything your entitled to in the divorce. Sorry that’s happening to you and the kids. X