Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

I’d be very wary of a partner who punishes you for making a mistake or acting out of character. This is not a resolution it is control. Grown up people should talk to you and you either resolve or go your separate ways.

OP I think you've got the best you're going to get from this thread, it'll likely be mostly people arguing with each other from here on in.

Many of us would love to be your age again, and NOT get into long term relationships with men who are cold or even cruel (we now see).

Please read 'Women who love too much' and tell everyone you know to read it too! The pain it could prevent is immense. Pain that will affect children too.

There are some men (not all etc) who see women as sex/housework/companionship appliances. Not fully human like other men.

When we "malfunction", they are pissed off, try to get us in line, and often enjoy the power play as they do it.

Or they simply discard and replace. It's these men who leave their partners when they get seriously ill (a known phenomenon).

Your instincts are right. Never doubt the fact that you deserve kindness and support - as you've already given this particular guy, who refuses to give the same back to you.

Yes: he was being an absolute shit to you.

Look, darling OP: my then boyfriend of a few months, now husband of 30 years, once drove five hours from NY to Boston to pick me up at the airport and drive me home just so I wouldn’t get in alone to a dark house. Ridiculous as I was a world traveller quite used to doing things alone. Later, during the burth of our first child, he slept on the floor and emptied buckets of pee for me. Because the important thing to him was getting to be with me.

But my point is the right person for you is someone who will endure the minor inconvenience of a quiet moment on holiday by putting their arms around you and saying something consoling. The right person wants to be on holiday WITH YOU and therefore the two of you are what matters—not the sunny beach or the museum tickets.

These emotionally constipated mumsnetters think the greatest sin a woman can commit is to infringe male prerogative to drink to vomiting, to attend footy every weekend, and the all important playmate function. But you are not a sundial designed to “only tell the sunny hours.”

If you love someone you should love their company rain or shine. It rained for a moment on your holiday and he refused to put up an umbrella and join you under it.

This incident is probably the best thing that could have happened. Break it off with this man. At the slightest hint that he is not the star in your firmament he will punish and reject you. He should be happy he gets to be with you, even in sad times.

OP - piss him right OFF! I’m 70+ now so listen to my like you’d listen to a loving granny 👵 😊. I’ve been there, done it, seen it and none of this is good.
He is controlling you
He wants a favour - course he does and he’ll pull his face if you can’t help
He has made you suffer because of what you did “wrong”
He is now “forgiving “ you so you’ll be relieved and go running back
He is setting up the classic cycle of mixed messages- being mean, punishing you then forgiving you. This seesaw is demeaning and very hard to live with.
However, you can get rid of him quite easily. Just tell him. 🌺

He was being a dick.

Honestly if a colleague was in a bit of a mood over a bereavement- you would give them a bit of grace. Especially if they are trying to soldier on.

If it's a friend- you give them some empathy / comfort/space/ distraction, whatever they need in the moment. You don't sulk for 2 days to punish them.

Lucky escape if you ask me

From your posts I think I can confidently say you won’t get what you need from this man. I’d run. Don’t let him decide now it’s time for you to make amends.

Punishment over! Well done. You now know how to behave and what will happen if you step out of line / have an opinion / don’t do what he wants.
He sulked on holiday and then smirked at you. He thinks he holds all the cards. Horrible man - you are worth more than that.

I agree with all the above! He’s not the one OP

Sorry but I think you need to dump him. He sounds very uncaring and unsympathetic. Although. I can't understand why you hadn't told him about your friend in the 10 months you have known him.

I wouldn't be able to get past the smirk and obvious game playing. Yes, I get that you were upset and he may or may not have been upset by that.

THEN he ignored you ate the airport,didn't contact you, then smirked as he asked if you didn't expect to hear from him again. He used your upset to try and manipulate you into begging for attention. Fuck that!

He sounds a bit like a boy

Ego.
Did you think you'd hear from me?
Quit while you're ahead babe

💯. @Birkies1all1summer my ex was like this. Even if I told him I was a bit down about something to do with work or the time I stupidly fell down the stairs and was nursing a swollen ankle all day - nothing. No Qs no,comment no nothing! I was always met with silence. It was a bit disconcerting actually as though he was secretly aggrieved I wasn’t a 24/7 bubbly person lol. Had to let him go as I didnt want to be that woman holding onto a man who doesn’t care just for the sake of it.

Sounds very like a friend of mines boyfriend years ago. A couple of things happened to her like being hit by a bike on the way to work and while fortunately not seriously injured she was shook and fragile. Then she got pneumonia some months later and again nothing.

She was busy post recovery and he contacted her about going to his friends wedding that had been planned for a while.

She said don't contact me again, no discussion, just dont ring me again. No cell phones back then.

He called to her flat terribly upset and devastated.
Her flatmate told him to clear off she wasn't interested in speaking to him.

It got back to her that he was so upset and bewildered by the shock dumping.

Back then we knew nothing.
She honestly thought he couldn't care less.
Now I know he was just a selfish twat who couldn't believe a great girl dumped him for no reason and was likely an abusive prick.
She never had a conversation with him. She said he wasn't worth one.
She ran into him months later and completely blanked him and did her friends.

If you have ever had a bad dose of pneumonia you can honestly think you are dying.
It was enough for her to say fxxk him. Done.

Massive red flag to game playing abusive manipulative twat.

He’s one for the bin. Sorry, you may not have a dad, but if you do, would he treat you like that? No good man would. I hope he paid his share of the holiday. Twat of a man xxx

Dump dump dump.....

Urgh, so sorry your friend had to go through all those frightening health issues herself but so glad she had enough strength still to recognise her worth and walk away. She’s saved herself a lot of further disappointment doing that for sure.

I remember being horribly ill with gastrointestinal issues I think extreme food poisoning and I kid you not on the half hour every hour I was either vomiting or the other 😬. Excruciatingly painful and lasted 48hrs. Live alone with no friends or family unfortunately to help either. I only had energy to message him I was feeling pretty awful and was 24 hrs into an illness showing no signs of stopping and physically couldn’t (obviously!) have our usual little evening chat. Anyway when I was well again, instead of empathising or asking how I was, he was in a silent strop as he just refused to accept I was ill!

Sorry not sure why I’m spewing such a horrible memory out 😅. I think I still have a little PTSD from this and everything else that happened with that ex. But it’s great people share their stories because hopefully it just raises awareness that these sorts traits are not healthy and shouldn’t be accepted by us women!

Reverse it OP. If he had been quiet then told you about his best friend passing, how would you have reacted? Would it have been like he did?

You know what to do/how to feel now. Not acceptable, is it?

Presumably one of the reasons OP didn't initially mention it? Nowhere does OP say she talked to him about it (or wanted to), she said she gave an explanation of why she had been a bit quieter than before. She didn't stomp around being moody like your friend (which seems to be colouring your responses). He however was pissy for another couple of days. She also said she wasn't expecting to feel so down beforehand.

She was a bit quieter than before but tried to stay upbeat. She didn't become uncommunicative, rude or bawl her eyes out. I imagine OP expected him to understand and not be pissy for another couple of days. And OP didn't say that was all she could focus on, she said she wasn't expecting to feel down and was quiet on that day (probably half the day). Anyone who can't cope with another person being quiet and thoughtful for a few hours, without getting in a tizz about it, isn't very emotionally mature IMO

You do sound like a bit of an attention seeker, I'm sorry to say, and not a little self-focused. By your own report on your first holiday together your mood dropped and you didn't tell your bf why. Don't you think he might have been left wondering what had changed? I wouldn't be at all surprised if he thinks that you finally dredged up a lame excuse for getting cold feet and that it wasn't the genuine reason at all. I expect he went into self-protection mode when you changed overnight without explanation. Can't you forget youself and put yourself in his shoes?

And then there is the other question; why did you book a holiday over what you know is an annual period of mourning? Were you hoping for some sort of tender "are you OK babe" moment? Well, it didn't happen because you were happy happy for 5 days and then inexplicably cut off, taking a good long while to come up with an explanation. Poor guy. Waiting to be asked what's wrong is a bit of adolescent attention seeking, IMHO.

Suggest posters RTWT as OP has explained all those points

I'm glad you asked because a couple of months ago I accompanied him to the cemetery on the anniversary of a family members death. We spoke about them, he shared fond memories, I listened attentively and asked questions about them.

The difference is like night and day.

I appreciate the fact he didn't know until I mentioned it and explained, but once I had, a little bit of kindness would have been appreciated.

I lost a dear friend suddenly some years ago and the first anniversary hit me very hard.
Even I was surprised at my grief.

Losing a dear friend is a huge bereavements.