Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

He smirked!
Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Emotionally abusive people dish out the silent treatment. It's about power and control, and probably a bit of punishing you for ruining (in his opinion) the end of the holiday.

He's shown you who he is. Walk away as fast as you can - this gets much worse, believe me.

I think you should have given him the heads up earlier that the day could be a difficult one for you.
I tend to match people’s emotions/vibe (not on purpose) and if someone is being a bit ‘off’ or quiet with me, I’ll match that and I’ve realised over the years that it just makes things feel really awkward.
Maybe he felt awkward/uncomfortable when you were quiet and by the time you’d explained why, it was a bit too late.

However, I do think it would have been nice if he could have shown some compassion after you’d explained and definitely checked in with you later to see if you were ok

Aw this is sad , OP- you don’t seem to be taking on board the many people who are saying this man is a parade of red flags and you need to walk away.

He has contacted me this morning, cheerful and upbeat, asking me for a favour.

I mean this in the kindest way possible but please find some self-respect and say no to this favour and say no to him in general
and work on your self esteem.

OP, he's not the man you want as a partner - he's way too immature.

None of us come in a neat package to always enjoy and be fabulously happy on a holiday. We aren't robots, we have feelings impacting how high or low we feel sometimes. In your case because it was a good friend's death anniversary, you got a bit quieter and no longer get a bit quieter and your B/F reaction was telling - he got pissed off because you were not as much fun anymore.

Toss him back. He's not the mature, emotionally available man you want as a partner.

To be honest, after me being open and explaining that in the hopes of alleviating the atmosphere, I thought that would be the end of his bad mood. I was surprised he was pissed off for another two days because I didn't feel like I had done anything wrong.

So you went quiet and withdrawn but when you finally told him what was wrong (at 2pm) you expected him to all of a sudden be cheerful and upbeat?

I think the fact it was your first holiday together and all you could focus on is that it would have been your friends birthday, isn't a great sign tbh. And you don't sound emotionally compatible regardless so I would just leave it there.

He has contacted me this morning, cheerful and upbeat, asking me for a favour.

Because he wants something from you. Please just get shot of him op, you deserve far better.

I think he sounds awful. You weren't to know how the anniversary of your friends death would affect you, and surely in a relationship you should be allowed to have emotions. It sounds to be all about you supporting him, but getting nothing back. I'd let this one go.

He sounds to me that he is now playing with you and thinks he hold all the cards. Favour? Er, no. Just say don’t feel that’s appropriate as you are no longer together, wish him all the best and move on.

Thank you 😔

I'm definitely seeing it. As I mentioned at the end of my OP I have a feeling he enjoyed having the upper hand and the smirking / quizzing me about whether I thought I'd hear from him again - it raised some red flags.

I think you're right about the self esteem issue, I didnt fully trust my own judgement and felt I needed to hear from other people that he was being a dick.

The smirking and cocky attitude of wondering if he’d be in touch, he sounds horrible.

Weirdly harsh replies about being 'attention seeking' for not ideally handling a wave of grief. OP, I don't think you deserved this at all. Maybe the sulking could be forgiven but the manipulative comments afterwards tell you everything you need to know about this man.

ETA - losing a close friend so young is really tragic and I'm very sorry.

He's not a nice man.
He's shown you EXACTLY who he is.
That smirk should be etched in your memory.
You are being used.

Say No to the favour and dump him.
That is what someone with self respect would do.

Two books every young woman should read.

Women who love too much by Robin Norwood

Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft.

You are at a tender age.
You need to be able to spot the nasty twats.

Look up The boiled frog analogy.
The Shark cage analogy.

Look at the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

All of the above educate women to hard swerve the abusive twats that heavily populate society.

When you go on holiday, or on a date, or to a party, manners dictate that you don't take your emotional baggage with you.

Dump him. He's horrible

Also @Birkies1all1summer Imagine you stay with him and you’re going through a rough time with your first child, you lose your job, you’re sick and waiting for a diagnosis.
will you have to be breezy breezy throughout life to keep him smiling?
Escape whilst you can and read the literature @Clownsy has highlighted.
Find your anger - why on earth should you be apologising in the anniversary of your friend’s death? X

I don't think you have a problem with your self esteem. You are very young, only 23, and just beginning to discover your own dealbreakers and the importance of listening to your gut when it tells you something is wrong with a boyfriend.

You'll be tossing back many, many frogs before you find one person you want to keep. The more frogs you toss back in the pond, the more you'll learn about yourself.

You have your whole life ahead of you

He has contacted me this morning, cheerful and upbeat, asking me for a favour.

I'm a bit cynical but this very much sounds like him "telling" you OK punishment over, I'm setting the tone now so be cheerful back and stay like that or you know what will happen.

Some people, especially men, have poor emotional intelligence and react badly to anyone showing negative emotions (although do so themselves) because they don't know how/ don't want to deal with them. However, the smirking and punishment (enjoying leaving you hanging and confused) is spiteful and deliberate and a different kettle of fish altogether. I repeat that he does not seem a nice man.

I also wanted to say sorry for referring to your quiet behaviour as attention seeking. Now you have explained more it sounds more like you were trying to keep it together and not seem down. I'm sorry about your friend and I hope you are OK.

Well hear it from me again then - he is being a smug DICK and you should RUN! Go through all the posts which are saying this and screenshot or save them!

I agree with a pp who said he now thinks he’s got you where he wants so he’s using the opportunity to ask for a favour. He was testing you and in his eyes you’ve shown you will back down when he treats you poorly so his behaviour is only going to get worse from now on.

I had a guy try this with me when I was younger and his face when I declined the favour was a picture. I really deflated his puffed up ego. Unfortunately for him I’d decided at that moment that I was not going to tolerate any more of his or any others man’s BS.

I’m well over a decade older than you OP, you will look back on this and realise you should have cut ties immediately.

I’d love to be 23 again, I’d do so many things differently! I can tell you now that your self esteem will sink even lower if you remain with this uncaring man. From an older woman to a younger woman - please leave now and work on yourself.

@Birkies1all1summer I agree with @Alondra.

Yes, this, but also, the OP acknowledges people-pleasing behaviours in this and other relationships, and she should definitely work on rooting that out as a bad habit which deforms relationships of all kinds into the Person With Needs and the Caretaker.

Fuck that. Get rid.

OK well prepare yourself for talking to him about this properly when you see him for the favour. You need to have an actual conversation with him about all of this before deciding whether to stay with him or go your separate ways. Because to dump him based solely on a couple of bad days would seem a bit drastic.

Short, sweet and to the point. If you remember any post, remember this one Op. 😂

It's a tough one this as my DH probably wouldn't have known what to say to me either especially at the point he didn't know why you were being quiet / low. However, my DH would still have shown me he cared that I was upset through actions. I think give him a chance to redeem himself (some blokes are just not as good at talking about emotion) but carefully think about how he is over coming weeks and months, especially whether he shows consideration and care in what he does for you.

OP, this guy is clearly a narcissist who was trying to punish you for being a human being with human emotions that are an inconvenience to him. You deserve better.

I would ghost and block him. He deserves no explanation from you as to why you are dropping him after the way he has treated you.