Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

The smirk says it all imo. That's looking behind his mask and seeing the real him. You didn't do anything to deserve that treatment. It's ok to feel down and he should have been more supportive and understanding when you explained why you were sad.
How can you predict how you are going to feel? You didn't know you were going to be emotionally affected on that day so why would you give him a heads up before going on holidays? This is just a way to make it feel like your fault.

People have emotions, life is difficult. If you don't feel safe expressing your true self to someone they are not the person for you. But it's him, not you that's the problem.

I go on foreign holidays about once every three years. It takes a significant amount of saving up and planning. I would be so disappointed if something ruined "a few days" of a weeks holiday. Obviously if a holiday is ruined by something which can't be predicted (illness, bad news etc) I would deal with my personal disappointment and be supportive, but this was so avoidable. In your DPs situation I think I would be seriously fed up (and totally confused about why you agreed to be on holiday over a significant date that was going to make you feel sad). It's slightly manipulative to book a holiday over a date which you will struggle with, and then wait until he notices you are unhappy, then expect sympathy and support when he is probably really disappointed with how the last half of the holiday has gone. For him, expressing his frustration/disappointment immediately makes him look unsupportive and uncaring (even though the impact on the holiday could have been easily avoided) and that seems unfair. That said, he sounded weird when you met up to exchange the iPad.

Shows a lack of empathy, I’d not continue with this as you can’t grow empathy on trees. You’ll spend you whole life minimising your feelings out of fear. You should be able to tell someone your feelings and have them cared for. You could have done a little something with him as a little reminder on holiday. Just being able to have shared and acknowledged your feelings would have probably made your mood better.m rather then hiding it away. It’s a good test and I’d say he failed!

Hundred percent agree with all this.

I was married to a man like this. He always had control of when any conflicts were resolved. If I didn’t follow his upbeat change when he decided to make it better, he would make it 100 times worse than it was before

I know it’s difficult to end things but I would have a serious think about how this could play out into the future.

He’s told you who he is and the writings on the wall you’ve got to decide what you do with it

Just add, The concern here isn’t about him being perhaps disappointed the holiday mood was changed. I think that’s reasonable for a short period of time, then you get over it and you support the other person.

But he wasn’t able to do that. He can only be supported he can’t do the supporting

The Bigger concern is how he acted since, withholding contact, the smirk makes my blood boil on your behalf.

Haha as if you can live like this, people aren’t robots. This is life, we support and care for each other as and when needed and we should receive the same in return. Thats literally how intimacy is grown.

Intimacy grows when you can trust your partner to put your relationship first rather than randomly emote about other people in the middle of special dates/holidays etc that are just for the two of you to connect.

@Birkies1all1summer so what next op ? M have you replied?
will you reply ?
Is it over ?

He has behaved very badly, but you should have been upfront with him rather than letting him wonder why you were in a mood on the last few days of the holiday.

If you had been upfront and he had still behaved like this then you would know what to do.

But the smirking and playing games would still be enough for me to dump him.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. A year is no time and anniversaries are hard. Yes, in himdsight, it would have helped to have given him a heads up about it, but you know what, you are only 23, it was the first anniversary so you were unprepared for how you would feel and theres a chance you have not experienced this kind of bereavement before. Cut yourself some slack.

Your bf didnt show any sign of trying to understand your situation. His reaction was immature for a 27yo man. And his subsequent behaviour was more of the same.

Please dont stay in a relationship where you do all the emotional work. It’s exhausting and creates a lot of conflict and is the one thing about him that is least likely to change.

I agree that the boyfriend doesn’t sound great, but I was addressing the idea that OP should have taken more responsibility if she could reasonably have known this was likely. I don’t think the boyfriend being lacking means that OP shouldn’t look at herself own role in this, too.

I’ve also found grief unpredictable after the initial run has worn off. However, I’ve found a sizable minority of friends/family seem to be fairly consistently and predictably triggered by events like anniversaries.

OP will hopefully get rid of this bloke, but finding a more compassionate boyfriend doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to plan a holiday with him for dates when she knows she’s quite likely to be hit by grief (if she knows).

Unbeknown to me my friend booked us a weekend away over a significant date. It was horrible and I had no idea what was going on until we were on our way home. I realised my role had been to be a support animal while she stomped around and was moody.

Don't book holidays over sensitive dates and don’t use people for support or distractions like that.

Ha ha ha ha!!! Did you just imply that initimacy grows when you switch off your own emotional life?

Are you saying that if your Mum dies on Christmas Day you will ignore the anniversaries and NEVER FEEL
SAD because its a day for the family/bf/kids/its a holiday etc…and they are trusting you to put them first??

Doormat.

Intimacy grows when you can trust your partner with all of your feelings, it is not possible to filter and you shouldn’t have to. A relationship is not just between 2 people, it’s the connection with everyone. No way would my partner ask me to silence myself for him, he is here to hold my hand through all the ups and downs. Imagine not being affected by the anniversary of the death of someone special and not being able to share the happy times you had with them because this is just OUR holiday.

I'm not emotionally incontinent, no. You can't live your life randomly imposing your feelings on others.

The point is she didn’t share, she went quiet and created an atmosphere.

Yeah as most people do when they are learning about their partner. Humans are flawed and make mistakes. None of us want to ruin the others holiday but emotions have an energy unfortunately. What would have been growth has shown to be immature. She apologised. What would have bonded them was his reaction to the apology. He should have said it’s ok, next time you can tell me anything that is effecting you. If you are sad about the passing of someone special talk to me, please don’t feel you have to hold this in. This is how you grow together, through conflict and resolution. He had no resolution. She will now not share her feelings out of fear of this. It can’t work.

That’s very idealistic and as you say people are flawed. He’s gone away to have a nice time, not to talk about someone’s dead friend. Some people find this triggering and upsetting.

Anniversary’s don’t hold much weight with me. I feel no different about a loved one who’s passed because it’s their birthday or the anniversary. That’s not to suggest you’re wrong for how you feel but just that he probably doesn’t understand how you feel because he hasn’t experienced it.

I would have been a little annoyed that you agreed to a holiday when you knew you’d be upset. I don’t go on holiday often so they’re precious but I would have chalked it up to experience and been nice about it. Smirking at you when you tried to apologise afterwarss is just horrible.

It’s Incompatible with an intimate relationship. She needs to find a compatible, emotionally maturer man. Like you say there are all sorts of folk out there, this one isn’t right. We are all triggered by things, it’s not an excuse to give silent treatment and smirks.

you both acted weirdly imo
why did you not mention when you booked the holiday it was your friends anniversary? Why did you slip into a funk ? The fact you could not communicate is strange , could you not Have found a way to commemorate your friend with a nice toast or putting flowers somewhere nice in her memory , send a postcard to her family…. Anything than just going moody , but he also was a knob for not dealing with your grief in an adult fashion , he should have initiated a conversation about your friend , encouraged you to be open and share your feelings but instead he had the emotional intelligence of a slug

would not be the man for me , but only you can say if he does it for you

Funny how people see things so differently

I guess that’s why everyone is not compatible. After 10 months I would expect my partner to be loving and supportive once he realised what was going on in my head and heart.

to me he sounds completely lacking in empathy or the knowledge and maturity to be in a relationship.

he’s not a good catch at all. Life has many ups and downs. He’s failed at the first hurdle.

Someone getting triggered and not supporting me would be an indicator that he isn’t right for me. It for s future of ups and downs. 10 months should be long enough to feel like a partner and if my partner got pissed off any time I was struggling he would be off the cards. I can’t imagine having a child with a man like that. Imagine all the issues he would fail at supporting. Pregnancy, childbirth, PND, death of parents, career problems. He’d be an additional strain. Not a support. Bin him

Always trust your gut.

My 18 year old son would have totally got it and supported you.

Why are you selling yourself so short?? Don’t!!

Honestly get rid of him and find someone who deserves you.

But its not RANDOM. It was her boyfriend during a short period of significant time. The idea that mumsnetters have that foreign holidays are some kind of ritual sacred space which must be unsullied by sadness or reality is just bizarre. She was “a bit quiet” she didn’t sob and break things.