May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I would definitely see a therapist to help navigate this and to understand the best responses. It's incredibly toxic and it sounds like you have minimal choice here.

The ex will be using your child as a flying monkey. If they report back how upset or annoyed you were over something about them, he will want that. It's called baiting. And he is baiting through the child.

If your daughter can't see who is that person which loves and provides stability, that's their journey and that is nothing about you.

I feel it's important you protect yourself as horrible as this is and don't necessarily see yourself as your daughters rescuer. That means you have to be mindful what is going back to the dad.

That’s a scary thought and one that I do have in the back of my mind that haunts me. She will be disordered like him and I can’t save her. It keeps me awake at night. Yeah I stupidly get upset and she has seen it and I kick myself but I am human. He can do with this information what he likes I don’t care about what he thinks about me. I hate that I had a child with him and I made this link, but li love my child.

I want to fix this so desperately and I find it hard letting go of this idea of control, I want my daughter to be ok and I feel at fault for sure. It’s a position that I feel so trapped in.

I wonder why ND people are more susceptible to narcs? Because I’m ND and married a narc.

I notice that all the narcs I know have ND people around them. I see them being manipulated by narc people. I see my narc sibling has got alot from ND people ( money, favours, believing him!). It's like exploiting any communication vulnerability.

Growing up ND is also very traumatic for many people trying to survive in a n unforgiving NT world so that is going to increase risk only of some narc behaviours possibly in certain people.where there was very poor attachment. ( Many go the other way).

I can't always tell with my teen what is a communication difference between us and what's behaving narc like. There's gaslighting and all sorts of other unpleasant behaviours.

Because she is a girl, I wonder whether she will be more drawn to your world view as she grows. I find boys might align more with other men ( the dads) especially if they're vulnerable (ND). Kids will always be drawn to the one who makes life easier with less rules until they mature and see it.

I have been a magnet to narcs. I also probably mimicked some narc like behaviour at times before my therapy. I am not one, it was however behaviour that I had only ever known in my family. My dad passed away as a child so it was just me with them.

It's not stupid of you. I have exploded and reacted strongly to baiting, because you're so tormented by it. I screamed at my brother once ' stop you c**t'.

So I look like an unhinged foul mouth abuser. He has emotionally and verbally and physically hurt me my whole life - with my mum enabling all of it.

And I apologised for the above. I'm now virtually NC. Despite my sociopathic mother's effort to bring me in again.

After all my words of guidance - I now can't manage my own crazy.

My health is appalling. Pretty much stuck in the house. Mother is a few doors down. She is consistently and non stop dropping my brother in conversation after over a year NC. It will not stop. She is even making up scenarios to drop his name in. It's the most unhinged I've seen her. Or maybe I just now SEE. Every single text is turning to him. The scenarios are so crazy and I actually see her as almost insane with this. It scares me because I'm so weak.

I want to punch her. I'm too vulnerable. I am not reacting. I am just not acknowledging it. But she is intensifying so severely I want to say something. I ignore the reference but then she ups it.

I have no idea what to say. I simply want my brother to just go away. Nothing more. I want her to quit it. Something has happened to cause this. He's possibly on at her moaning about how awful it is for him not having all the boys together ( my son and his kids).

Help 🙏

I find it so hard to manage family interactions, even with the LC. My mother has stopped her (infrequent) calls now as I stopped answering after my wedding last year. I had seen too much, the veil was finally lifted on how much I don't matter to her. My health took a dive, the fertility stuff was kicking my ass, I was off work, I just couldn't deal with her. Now it's infrequent texts only. And my father calls about once every 1-2 weeks.

I'm abroad now for IVF and the hormones are kicking in, so it's fun all round. I had to tell my mother I was here for logistical reasons, so I did so via text. She put 2+2 together around fertility treatments (I suspect GC sister tells her my business), and my Dad calls today and he clearly knows too. I don't hate my Dad. I love him. He's a good man, I've always felt loved equally, and not ignored / judged / dismissed as with my mother. But he's so flawed, so emotionally stunted and damaged. He can't do emotions, he's had a lifetime of his own trauma. And he's a complete enabler of NM's, and they act as a 'team' now in their old age that I never saw as a kid. Back then it was shouting matches and my mother scapegoating him, calling me "just like your father" and forcing their kids to pick sides.

He just called earlier, we had the usual 2-3 minute conversation where I automatically dropped into grey rock, he said "let me know if you need anything, or need to talk" and hung up, and here I am in bits again. I'm a 40 year old woman who has been through all kinds of sh1t in my life, I've had career success, I've lived in multiple countries, I'm married, now I'm dealing with infertility and I feel like this helpless terrified child with these people, every time.
I've also been feeling an immense amount of grief this year, I have this visceral awareness that I'm deeply grieving my childhood, the parents I never had. I know there's progress in all of this. But I'm just so tired of feeling this way, seeing this helpless, powerless version of myself in these interactions. It's like I want it to be one way - where I keep a lid on the decades of baggage and damage and have a superficial chat about the weather and can somewhat appreciate my Dad making the effort - but it ALWAYS is the other way, I feel like a lost child terrified of what's going to happen in this interaction. I really wish I could be the confident, self assured adult I am around them. / rant over.

I feel the same. I can handle helping others but when it comes to my own it’s bloody difficult.

@wonderingwonderingwondering the damage never goes away in my belief.

I am back to a jibbering wreck inside managing severe worsening illnesses and I want to strangle them for their cruelty. All I want is them to piss off.

I'm in grief again myself. Thinking mother was behaving gave me a sense of calm. Brother backed off, but the pair of them are an absolute tag team ( mum and brother).

When my son is with me, he's manipulated too. He can also be manipulative and brings alot if stress to me.

This sounds harsh - this is simply the absolute truth and reality of my situation.

I'd give everything to be well and move away from them all.

My mum's husband is a victim of her crap. He snipes back at her but he is not devious at all. He's more 'what you see what you get'. I realised this year he's Autistic. My own autistic son spotted it. So she takes advantage of that I am certain. It's pretty cruel.

With a new child they become awful. She'll do anything to get access to any child you have. It's like poison.

My mum is now befriending my bloody neighbour and presenting this image which is sickening. My neighbour has today mentioned my mum and her concern for me. This is unbelievable. And I've had my sociopathic brother nane dropped about two times a day in messages the last few days.

No one sees this drunken abusive mess sat there manipulating everyone on her phone every night.

Go get a god damn hobby. I will never ever understand these nut cases. Go out and do something. Why don't they.

The intensity of this is so severe whilst I'm trapped here. I feel so hopeless this last few days.

A few of us/you have said 'I'm crazy/not coping /ill yet here I am giving advice' in a self critical way. It's heroic that we/you are even trying to help others whilst on the floor.

I feel for you all so much more than me, mine are all dead 🎉✨ and I don't think I'd have had the courage to face any changes whilst they were alive.

All I can say is that the beautiful freedom and joy of them being dead is ahead of you. Hang on in there!

Pleaseshutthefuckup can you say to the next neighbour etc who says anything about your mother 'oh gosh, was she at the vodka again? She starts at 3pm,it is a worry'.

For the first time in my life, I want them to not be here anymore.

It is only to protect me from this. It is no other reason than protection from their abuse.

I am in tears daily at what I have to deal with physically. My worsening health and impairment and seeing how hard they are working now I'm so vulnerable.

Today I realise in the midst of psychotic sociopathic mums change in behaviour,my aunty has not contacted me for weeks. Also, my ex is communicating with me in a grey rock fashion recently. That's not an issue as there's not much to be gained comms wise with ex beyond basics.

But here I sit realising it's them. It has all coincided with a change in my mother's behaviour.

I believe my brother leading it all with mum swiftly enabling.

My own teen even piles in and tbh I don't want to see him right now because of it.

Would you believe me if I told you I am highly compassionate and loving despite what I have just said.

She won't believe it. It's way too messy.

I am just not acknowledging any references to people. So her reference to my mum I ignored and focused on the other part of the chat.

With my mum's obsession making up stories and texting ref brother - I am incredibly unsettled by how nuts she is being. Again, I ignore it. But she's upping it severely.

My partner asked me why I haven’t asked his nieces to my oldests birthday party. I’m quite proud of myself because I replied with because I don’t enjoy their company. They look at my daughter like she is an alien, they smirk at her (she’s adhd, I don’t know why that makes a difference). I’ve nothing in common with the parents of them either. It’s all a show and I have to hide parts of myself and that’s not cool anymore as I only do real. Before I would have invited them out if obligation. My daughter will have a better birthday!

This
or ‘You do know she’s an alcoholic, don’t you?’
This usually shuts people up.

I've watched a few videos today. The professional advice is not to expose them. I totally agree. It.will make my life ten times worse with how vulnerable I am.

I must practice staying completely calm and non riled to her or to anyone else. I do want to confront her but I'm far too emotional to do it maturely and calmly atm.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup i feel the same I can admit it on here although it makes me feel awful but i think dm passing is the only way i will get closure no more anxiety checking the death notices no stress worrying i wont be told or about not being given the opportunity to say goodbye or what I would even say if I was told she was at deaths door. I would have a definite answer over if the will had been changed

Perfect scenario would be for dsis who is also in poor health to go before dm but that is probably me being evil

Hi everyone thanks for the new thread.

I’ve not been around much at all as having a few terrible months. still LC or NC with family, only texts from one parent and calls from another.

but I’ve been struggling with my MH , crap friendship and worst thing ever.

My abusive ex from nearly 30years ago sent me a horrific message so I’ve had to go to the police station etc. it’s all been so awful and worrying

What you want so much is your mum to love you and treat you well. And you may have had warm moments where that happened and you cling onto them so much. But that gets overtaken by the level of abuse you start to see and then think back on.

And you see more and more with time if you're working towards healing. And when you truly see it, it is so frightening and destabilising, you will do anything for it to stop. Because you start to look back on your entire life through a different lens - one that sees every single element of abuse that you have endured all your life and had.blocked out.

All you want is the abuse and the physical manifestations you feel in your body and mind with every single interaction to end.

So no. Not one single part of you is evil. Not one. You simply want escape from every part of the emotional abuse you have endured and anything that perpetuates your lifetime of god damn suffering.

I think people live in denial so much and for so long because facing the true horror of this is really unbearable. I would bet most people who finally start facing the truth of their life and.the extent of abuse by those who they thought loved them all their life, want it to end too - in any way that takes.

Do you have children together with him Tbry24.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with these nut jobs. You are in good company here 💐.

I feel like something is wrong with me for thinking what a relief it would be if my parents died. No more what ifs, no residual walking on egg shells but all peace. NC is bliss some of the time now but I want this last bit to be over too.

I really believe this is a totally natural response to a lifetime of narc/sociopathic abuse.

Don't forget, most of us have suffered this from birth. And we only recently started to realise it. And we realise our minds and bodies are not the same as those without an abusive life, and we'll never stop feeling it in some way - until they're gone.