May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses @Twatalert @Dogaredabomb @Pleaseshutthefuckup @FriendlyReminder you have given me lots of food for thought. A thing that bothers me is a thought that I have, thats buried deep, is that I have normalised crazy behaviour my whole life and when it’s presented in front of me I don’t/can’t recognise it. I was thinking back to a few years ago when I was still in contact with my family and one day I met up with my NM for coffee and she was bitching and ranting about her “best friend” (who had terminal cancer at the time) and how she knew her friend wasn’t busy that day and was actually meeting up with someone else. I tried to reassure her that how her friend spends her time is up to her bla bla bla. Anyway, she txt me later that day and said she walked past a coffee shop where she “knew” she would be to “catch her” 🤯 Here’s the thing, this craziness was just accepted by my father and sis, they just nodded along, supporting her and this is what hurts me, they have taken my ability to correctly assess situations away from me through some form of denial and gaslighting and I’m constantly paying the price for that abuse now in adulthood because recognising poor behaviour/abuse/nastiness is very difficult as it’s what feels normal to me.

I think you are right, that this behaviour is not driven out of love for her grandchild but to intimidate me. My therapist advised me to keep records of the stalking (not sure if that’s the appropriate term), she also mentioned reporting it to my GP in terms of perhaps my mother needing outside help. Tbh I found that suggestion too much to even think about but I’m guessing her/their behaviour really is that concerning.

I need to spend a bit more time figuring out who they are, in terms what type of narcissist I’m dealing with but, again, maybe they’re more malignant than I originally thought. Her lack of empathy and anger often makes me think is she a sociopath. Since childhood I have felt that I have lived on another planet from my family such was the gaslighting. I will definitely check out the recent videos by Dr. Ramani. And yes, I need to somehow get my head around the fact that my experience was abuse, not just annoying mother type situation, I think that’s at the heart of it all. Thanks again 🌷

@junebugalice I think a lot of us struggle with our internal crazy behaviour detector. Someone before mentioned that crazy behaviour often makes for crazy thinking in yourself. So if your thinking is getting confused you often in the presence of crazy making people. Then you’ve got the issue of actually believing yourself and acting upon it. It’s a minefield. “Perhaps I’m just being a bit of a bitch and overreacting”, “perhaps I’m projecting my thoughts onto someone and they aren’t a narc”, “perhaps it’s just me”, “what if I’m wrong”, “what must people think of me”. You are not alone in this struggle unfortunately 😞

It must be nice to have had a healthy childhood as it would make detecting bad behaviour easier.

I wonder tho if having a healthy childhood would save you from a narc husband/wife. They are brilliant at hiding their agendas. I did read about shark cage theory once.

M&D used to do this really weird thing. They'd hire a cleaner, always foreign because they generally are, and turn them into 'daughters'. They'd tell me that they loved 'Rosa' like a daughter etc etc. One Rosa actually had Dad give her away at her wedding. They'd bring by their children as grandchildren.

They'd morph into carers and their husbands into handymen and pop by for tea and I'd be tasked with sourcing gifts and cards on amazon (because of Internet shopping and my talent for it). I didn't care at all, just glad some heat was off me for however long the love affair was going on.

Then the cleaner would move up in the world from cleaning or go back to their country or whatever and it was as if they'd never existed.

I'd seen it happen for decades and countless cleaners and just felt sorry that they thought they were special. They imagined that being daughters meant something. But out of sight was OVER.

And I'm wondering if I can be like that? I don't flog a relationship (these days) I just think 'this doesn't work' or I recognise it as situational. I moved last year and haven't really kept in touch with a neighbour i liked. Because, what's the point? I like them, i did enjoy running into them when I did, I wish them well. But we never went for a coffee or a walk together in 20 years so 🤷🏼‍♂️

Mum was always madly madly jealous of Dad. For instance I gave one of my sons his name as a middle name, i wish I hadn't but luckily it's a run of the mill name. She was madly jealous and gc ex sister said 'he's a boy, what did you want her to do? Call him John Angela?'

@junebugalice I have this too. That I can't recognise crazy behaviour if it happens to me and I end up ruminating, trying to figure it out. I'm an expert though in recognising when it happens to others 😎

Dad was much more overtly pleasant and would recruit us into colluding against her. 'Don't tell your mother' 'could you go and buy me a valentines card for her, you know what she's like'. Mum if she wasn't aware of it at least sensed it and she was very suspicious and felt very left out.

When he died she was a widow for a few years and kept saying to me that she was glad she and I had had the time together to get to know each other. She kept saying I never understood you before and she thought we had become really close. Obviously gc was still just doing her life and not making many accommodations. Gc texted me and said 'you've finally got everything you ever wanted you've got them all to yourself' I said 'you've got to be fucking kidding me, some fucking prize that I've never ever wanted. Please come and claim it anytime you're not on holiday'

Mum changed very much and became pleasant, but I know it's because she was out of options. I felt sorry for her and dishonest really that she was being nice to get care. I would have helped anyway, she could have stayed her cuntish self. I guess I wanted her to die with a clear, if deluded, conscience. But I felt dishonest to let her imagine we were finally close and wondered how paper thin her sense of self must have been to swing on a dime to someone (me) who she'd always had such a poor opinion of.

She kept saying 'I never knew or understood you' I said 'I haven't changed'.

She said why did you marry x so young? I said I was desperate for love and a family and he was the first person to offer it. She started to say 'oh, but you (have a loving family)' but stopped and said oh.

@junebugalice it IS stalking. Just to let you know.

I would report it to the GP if you are ready and whilst you figure out of what they might be capable of. It's so there is a record somewhere other than your personal notes when it started etc should you ever need to go down the legal route. Also see if you want to make a police report at one point/seek their advice.

I'm SO glad I live a flight away from my parents but it has occurred to me that they may nevertheless turn up outside my door one day 'out of concern for me because they haven't heard from me'. There was a time when I had a visceral reaction when I saw a car like theirs.

Like duh, why do girls marry the wrong person far too young? Because they're emotionally and perhaps literally homeless.

Welcome to my morning brain dump 😅

I can see how the narcs work from day one with my daughter. At the moment he is battering her identity and desperately trying to tie it with his. They say it’s not physical but he literally is “battering”. We have been talking about genes and genetics as he keeps saying the reason she looks like him more is because his genes are better than mine. I strip it back to basic science, no emotion. She gets worried she isn’t like me so do I love her because daddy loves me more as looks equals who loves them more.

What I wanted to get at is those that feel their identity is all off, it really is no wonder when from day one you are brainwashed!

happyfarm I had this with ds1s father, a nightmare the whole time he was growing up. It was very difficult to navigate and to combat. There have been problems in adulthood and the father has dropped him like a lump of shit. They are nc now, actually at the fathers instigation.

I try my best but I can’t negate all the damage. I hate narcs so much.

Yes, it's really insidious. Even if I could go back in time with ds1 and his father I don't know what I could do. Perhaps get really practical support for myself to learn how to support dc with the mad things that are said. One thing the father said to my ds waa' what you have to understand is that women are really really stupid' ds said 'but mum's very clever! So is granny (father's mother)'

They don’t parent her. There is nothing ever wrong with her because that would mean he wasn’t perfect. She is a golden child in the making. She can do what she wants. He won’t acknowledge the ADHD, won’t put in boundaries and just says she’s a perfect princess. She gets a hard shock when she comes back to mine and for a few days she doesn’t like it, I parent her and there are consequences in my house and rules.

Poor girl, she's getting very confusing crap from him. What can you do to support her without making it a tug of war re concepts? A 'recollections may vary' type approach?

Do you have a counsellor? I'm just wondering if the default is to over correct following a period of under correction? I think i found it hard dealing with the nonsense that had been placed in ds head and i wish I'd reacted in a more personally detached way, I think. But how do you do that with your own child who is your heart?!?!

I don’t know. It makes me very sad because I am always the bad cop and it effects my relationship with her. I try and explain but she is only 9, I hope one day she will understand. Because I love her and she needs to live in the world and the world needs to live with her she has to learn how to behave. I do this because I love her. I could quite easily just buy her stuff and tell her she is great but I love her too much to know that later on her life will be hard.

He says I don’t love her as much. But I think it’s the ultimate act of love to sacrifice your relationship with your child to try and grow a person who can be with people, to know how to have empathy and to live in a world with some self esteem. They can’t do this because they have to be adored and worshiped.

This scenario is incredibly common. My child is Autistic/ADHD. I now see his father is high masking Autistic and I never realised. There is a common theme in many situations on multiple threads on MN and other places online where the high masking Autistic fathers ( probably undiagnosed) will resist the reality of the child's Neurodivergent status at all costs. Possibly they don't see the difference in them and think it's no big deal. It's never easy to understand this.

It also feeds into another risk which is that I feel many ND kids are more vulnerable to the narcs. They may also become one. THIS IS ALL OUT YOUR CONTROL. It is nothing at all to do with you or anything you can change alone. Genetics, environment, peers, it all influences and you are not all those things.

You can't do any more than you're doing. I have two nephews who are my sociopathic brother's kids. The older boy I know is not going to be personality disordered. He is inherently more sensitive and gentle. The younger, possibly will. My own teen, yes, I am seeing it.and sensed something from young. I tried everything imaginable. I of course absolutely love him.

What will be will be and it is not your fault or in your power to do any more than present ' normal'. You can say ' ah ok, I don't agree that is true. I think X y z. You're wonderful just as you are, whoever you are. Shall we go do this now.....'

Therapy is helpful in navigating these situations. A female therapist who understands personality disordered people and possibly also Autism.

( I am not associating the two btw. The risks I believe are greater for various reasons).

❤️