May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Well after a month of not speaking to me, and then starting to get nasty with my sister too, my mum is now trying to make us think she’s seriously ill with a rare form of cancer. This is the latest in quite a long line of health conditions she’s been convinced she has……she likes to make people worry about her I think. Or she’s trying to convince herself she’s ill - I don’t know.

My mum’s sister (they are no contact) has now been dragged into it all as she’s so worried about how my mums latest games and behaviours are going to effect me and my sister. She has told me to “step back” from it all and that she will go and visit my mum to figure out what’s going on.

My auntie knows what my mom is like though and she understands the trauma my mom caused both me and my sister when we were children

It feels never ending - I’m constantly spending energy trying to unpick the workings of my mom’s brain.

I’m going to feel so guilty if it turns out there is something wrong with her, but at the moment I’m struggling to take it seriously. It feels like another way to put herself on centre stage and make a martyr of herself whilst being vile to those around her.

Could you not contest the will if she passed with all the evidence you have?

@Happyfarm dm hasn't passed away yet as far as I am aware. I am presuming the will has been changed as when i asked her she indirectly implied it had been changed to the person who looks after her which now Is only dsis as I have been cut out and excluded

It's really expensive and has a low success rate to contest a will so i probably won't bother and I just want closure on the whole situation.

Money is the root of all evil. What a sad life your dsis lives. People like this never know inner peace and happiness, it’s a plague they suffer from and yeah best to stay clear of the plague!

@wonderingwonderingwondering It reasonated with me what you said about being well into the healing journey when our nervous system reacts a certain way. I almost have no panic attacks anymore and I attribute this to the fact that I unearthed all the feelings that were suppressed in childhood and deal with them instead. it's bizzare to me that before going NC I had a very heavy visceral reaction when my parents tried to call me for example. Something I did not have before I really got to the bottom of my misery. My system had everything burried very deeply and it came out in random panic attacks as I walked home from the supermarket for example. I also came out as depression and other things. For the first time in my life I think I don't suffer from depression anymore.

I believe, for you, there will be healing and closure in letting it go. You will survive without it. Let it go. Let all the toxic control go with it. ❤️

I know I won't feature. The older sibling has been given full control of administering it, so I'm letting it go.

It would be the world’s biggest coincidence that she’s got seriously ill just as you aren’t in contact. It’s amazing isnt it, what are odds!

If your mum genuinely has cancer, well that's her life journey and nothing to do with you. Having cancer does not absolve someone of their hideous behaviour. What about that part of you hat deserved and still deserves to be treated with basic decency and an ounce of love and respect? Is that person and that little girl not considerably more important and in need of protection more than mother, even with her cancer, who took the ultimate lazy and cruel path in life?

I understand that horrible feeling trying to figure out what the fuckers are up to. It will reveal itself in time. Just don't play the game. And sadly, realise they'll never change. Ever.

If you have to communicate, and sometimes it's safer, then just yellow rock her. And if anyone else says ' your poor mum etc etc ', you just say ' I know, it's awful dealing with cancer. So, how are you? ' Or, just end the conversation and leave.

I'm yellow rocking constantly. It makes me feel safer. My genuine feelings which are ' you're bloody nuts, what are you god damn doing now FFS, why are you doing this to me again '. Well that,stays here on this thread or in the car when alone or to myself. I often scream out my feelings, but they stay away from them.

Don't bother communicating with her unless she keeps contacting you and then the yellow rock is good. It's basically just a warmer version of grey rock using basic Comms such as' sounds tough,hope you feel better soon'. Then end it. Short, sweet communication that shows no emotion and asks no questions.

Our emotions - that is their life blood. They feed entirely off it.

Being cared for by your children is their choice. One that’s based on your behaviour as a parent and whether you were good enough to develop and keep a loving relationship. It’s not compulsory. I hate that they pull this out of the bag. Like the pp said it suddenly trumps any and everything they have ever done. How dare they! I bet it makes you feel awful though being someone who doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Deep down we want to care and we know we should care but they have destroyed this in us. It’s always us that suffers all the time as we actually have feelings and feel guilt unlike them. It takes a tough person to just shrug it off. They use our humanity against us, they are just awful people.

The flip side of course is that good parents who love their children are desperate not to derail their lives with years of care. I've said to my kids really don't ruin your lives if I get dementia, I pre-release you.

I have to say although I have issues with my mum. She is unwell and has been with M.S for a long time but she doesn’t ask for much help or use this to her advantage, she gets on with it. She and my dad saved a lot for any eventual care she’d need.

I just wanted to come on and give an update on what has happened since Sunday. My husband works from home and left today at 3pm to pick up the kids from school and when he came back there was a handwritten envelope addressed to my son (we have had many letters and gifts dropped to our door) bin my father’s handwriting. What was disturbing was there was no stamp on it so it must have been hand delivered. My husband looked back over our ring doorbell and sure enough there is my father putting a card through the letterbox. While my husband isn’t afraid of my parents he finds it creepy that they must have been watching from afar to make sure he was gone before approaching the house. Around February I was accosted by my mother in a clothes shop and I told her to stop following me and leaving gifts and cards in my house, this enraged her. I’m guessing this latest stunt is in response to Sunday, showing me that she won’t respect any of my boundaries. The card had money and a mini bible in it for the upcoming religious event for my son. Always the victim, the two of them against their horrible daughter. I know that the next step will probably involve getting legal advice, especially if they turn up at the event on Saturday. This behaviour is insanity isn’t it? In their heads they love THEIR grandchild and are just doing what any grandparent would do in terms of giving him a gift. This is so headwrecking 🤯

@junebugalice I wouldn’t be surprised if in their heads it is not about them just loving their grandchild, it’s more about pushing your buttons and letting you know they think they are in charge and there isn’t much you can do, with the bonus of trying to prove to your son they are the “better person”. It’s just mind games.

Ive experienced the dropping things at the door thing, they used to kick off too before we got a security camera, which made them stop their tantrums.

It’s really unsettling when estranged family just show up, but I think they know that and that’s why they do it. I compare them to spiders (which I’m phobic of), never knowing where they will appear next.

I completely agree with this: they are messing with you @junebugalice, I'm really sorry, they are clearly unhinged and histrionic.
Do you think they are actually dangerous? Do you see them as capable of physically harming you or your family?
I ask because perhaps, if the answer is no, you can begin to see them as the ridiculous and desperate people they are and you can feel more serene. If there's no actual threat, with a cool head you can start planning strategies for the upcomimg event.

Thanks @VWSC3 and @FriendlyReminder i agree that this is more likely a game as I don’t believe they genuinely love anyone and they absolutely would want to appear as the better people in front of my son.

The question of do I think they’re dangerous? Well they were always violent with me growing up and can be very manipulative, there’s a sinister side no doubt. But I don’t know, they’re crazy that’s all I know. This will sound strange but if it’s a case that they’re just desperate then that makes me feel like a crap person, like I’m being cruel to two people who just want their family and are so damaged they can’t see how messed up their actions are. This is the kind of stuff that I don’t think will ever be healed in me, I feel constant guilt that this estrangement is my fault for not being strong enough to “manage” them, like millions of people do everyday. It’s such a sad story, the whole thing.

@junebugalice You are not a crap person, and as hard as it is, you shouldn’t feel any guilt - that guilt belongs to them. They chose to treat you the way they have and they’ve chosen to carry on stalking you when you have put in boundaries. Don’t ever waiver on the fact it is them, not you.
The only thing they are likely to be desperate about is the fact they’ve lost face with people. Most abusive people like the world to think they are “nice”, and their child being estranged from them makes them seem not nice people (which they are).

@junebugalice and to add to what I just wrote - if it was about them being desperate to hold onto their family they would be abiding by your boundaries, your mother would be speaking to you respectfully, they would be doing anything to put it right. They wouldn’t be making it worse by stalking you, stepping over your boundaries, going over your head with letters to your son and turning up uninvited to things. They seem to be trying to provoke you into a reaction, rather than make amends.

Thanks @VWSC3 you’re right in all you say. I do think it’s to provoke a reaction because they’re absolutely fuming that I have somehow tarnished their image publicly. It’s very hard to not feel the guilt but it’s something I’m working on with my therapist, next weeks session should be a good one 🙈

Oh my god @junebugalice. That sounds horrendous. What made them ramp up this sort of behaviour now I wonder. Not that it matters. They are totally unreasonable. Everyone here knows that. Their thinking and behaviour is flawed. The guilt is old stuff from when they used to train you. Don't act on it and don't entertain any thoughts of doubt.

There was a time I thought I would understand these people because I grew up in this but I realise I was never like them and have no idea what's going on in their brain. I assume your son isn't receiving any of these 'gifts'.

@VWSC3 maybe it's to provoke a reaction or maybe in their tiny minds they think there is a chance @junebugalice 'will come to her senses' and get back under their control. Trouble is they are using the same tactics that worked when we were kids. But we are in therapy now and see clearer 😂

It's so difficult, you can't explain to anyone who doesn't get it. 'What's wrong with giving a gift to a grandchild' (says the uninitiated) it's hopeless and it makes us feel and sound crazy. Oh well, we're not!

Maybe we do seem crazy to the nutters? I keep trying to think of a word, a film or concept where nothing is as it seems. Kafkaesque, 1984, catch 22, Alice in Wonderland, Emperors New Clothes. Something that denotes that the world looks one way but is really another way.

Another phrase I think to myself is that I've been Clockwork Oranged.

Honestly it’s a horrible feeling knowing something is off and being the only one to see it. At times I’ve wished I’d never seen behind the mask and now you just can’t go back. That and you spot it in others so life is not quite the same. It’s like you get this superhuman vision that cuts through bull shit. I sometimes feel crazy being the only one. I must sound like a complete twat when I bring it up to people, so I don’t but then you alone with the thoughts.

@junebugalice this is not you. You are in no way at all cruel or heartless or any negative thoughts you have. Your parents are probably worse than you actually realise. Your mum at least sounds devoid of any empathy and is operating almost at sub human level.

That was not about love for their grandson. That was a few things, firstly, it was a tantrum because they want their toy/object/possession fully accessible to them. That object is your son. The card is them saying, you won't stop me trying to get my possession back. I still have control. And that control is re enforced by any string emotional reactions from you, the victim.

The second part is all about appearances...'don't we look like such caring loving grandparents trying so very hard to see our lovely grandson and we just won't stop trying everything.' That's part of the overt performance.

I get the impression your mum is the head of the system and your dad goes along with it. Equally pathetic and dangerous as a flying monkey to mother.

I am not sure of the law regarding harassment. Whether these two could be treated as perpetrators of harassment. It could be difficult because these arseholes will manipulate everyone who will believe them to be the victims. People don't ever want to believe us as the victims, so the advice is often to sit back and let them reveal themselves. Eventually they always do.

You might have said that you watch Dr Ramani. A few new videos popped up today and her advice is always fantastic.

The entire control they hold is knowing they bother and upset you. When you can get to a point of indifference, you're almost there. They will give up if you can consistently treat them robotically. It's difficult this situation as your mum is bloody determined. She still sees or feels your fear and emotions and that is feeding her. Trying to stop those reactions is hard because she is really trampling into your personal space with this card stuff.

Never doubt why you put them aside. Your doubt also feeds them. Your mum knows you so well, she wants to tap into the guilt ridden part of you willing to take responsibility for everyone like you probably had to when growing up.

People who embark on low to no contact have usually always suffered immeasurably. More than they can cope with fully accepting at first.

EXACTLY

@junebugalice I completely understand the guilt you feel and the self doubt (you express it so well: "why can't I be strong enough to handle my desperate and annoying parents, just like everybody else? I must be rotten inside").
The difference here (and maybe my post took it for granted) is qualitative: your parents are abusive. That's a totally different category from "my annoying old fashioned mum whom with I clash re parenting style". That's what "normies" don't get, and what our non-existant self-esteem makes us believe (the fault must be in ourselves).
The thing is we are not defenseless children anymore so we can calibrate the risk we are taking with them (when we were children, we were constantly at the maximum, because we were completely dependant on them). The fact that we are not children anymore doesn't mean they stop being abusive. But it implies we now have power.
We can assess the real risk they pose to us and then act accordingly.

That was what I meant with my previous post. They may be sad and desperate and annoying people, but overall and besides that, they are abusive. The way you deal with them will depend on the "flavour" of the abuser: are they psycopathic or violent? Are they psychological manipulators? Are they garden variety histrionics? Etc.

You are not crap at all: you are dealing with your abusers as best as you can.

Brilliant