May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I think crazysnakes you have to completely forgive yourself. If a child grows up being told that the word for green is blue then they are going to get it wrong to begin with. You learned by exposure and now you don't do it.

In my 20s someone told me that I 'traded in negativity'. It knocked me for six but I sat and thought about it and they were right. I hadn't realised what it was that I was doing but I stopped.

Partially it's cultural isn't it, two people at a bus shelter start moaning about the buses or the rain. I don't know why they don't bond by pointing at budding daffodils but they don't.

I understand what you mean about your mother faux needing an explanation over and over and over. Mine did that about my divorces, 'why DID you divorce x?' and I'd patiently explain up to two decades after the fact in one case.

I think it was almost 'tell me a story' like children love to hear about when they were babies and could hear about it every day. So she wanted me to 'tell a story' and didn't give a fuck that it was my life, I didn't want to, I'd told her already. Her entertainment was her only thought.

She would ask for explanations about anything and everything that isn't normal adult conversation the mechanics of gay sex, sex, penises, orgasms, heroin, crack!!!!

In the end I'd say 'gosh I think you know more about it than me, you tell me about it'.

It was all such faux naivety. What a turd.

I don't think they're sitting there laughing up their wizards sleeve plotting the next attack. I think generally they're just incredibly undeveloped and emotionally stupid people who can't think 360° ie 'if I say xyz will it be hurtful?'

They don’t seek from relationships what we do. We must also look at what we are seeking from relationships. It’s definitely a two way dance.

My mother is like this. Constantly needs to gossip. Tells you private things about other people, and when she runs out of those, starts on famous people. Negative about everyone. I used to be the same but I understand now that I was taught that's how you relate to other people. But once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. I don't do it any more. Makes conversation with my mother v challenging. Plus you can never share anything with her.

She's tried to do it to me over my illness, too, but I'm wise to it now. 'why don't you just have another (horrendous, life changing) surgery?' with a confused look on her face. What really makes me angry is that it started in my teens and she ignored it for years. Fuck off, and when you get there, fuck off again. And she talks about it in this sort of gleeful, chatty way. No. Just no.

It's hard to forgive myself. There's an awful lot of shame.

Crazy snakes she's getting off on you reliving your trauma and your upset feelings about it. Creepy AF.

I've wondered if what she's doing is fishing for details so she can tell other people about it. IDK. My DH says she does it because it's something to say. She is very keen on a bit of misery, definitely, and she always wants to make sure that you're aware that she's suffering too.

Yes, misery porn 🤢 safe topics with mum were how awful / badly dressed / ugly members of the Royal Family were 😂 wtaf

Been there, got that t-shirt. 🤣

I'd really appreciate advice and will try not ramble -

My teen asked me multiple questions about a MH condition ( a serious one). Then in school said in a session with support staff ' I don't have this, I don't have this' ( MH condition).

We then had a psych appointment. I told them he'd been saying this and I felt he was concerned about it. I don't believe it's relevant but it bothers him to keep asking and bringing it up. I don't believe he has it and didn't say that.

Son asked me yesterday why I think he had this condition. I said I don't and never did say that. He said his dad told him I thought he did.

Now this sort of thing happens alot. My ex gaslit me severely regard my son being Autistic and ADHD. My son himself behaves and speaks in ways that feels like a continual gaslighting experience also for me.

It is an experience I'm finding so difficult to accept and deal with.

With the others, I've cut them off. Here, I have no idea what to do.

I'm stressed by continually defending myself against my teen and accusations. Last week he calls me abusive. You're an abuser he said. I'm not. I'm surrounded by them more like.

I'm wondering what my masking in denial Autistic/ sociopathic ex is doing and is it important I challenge this? The MH condition issue.

I felt and do feel he suggests I'm crazy. He did that with gaslighting me over every autism suggestion I made re our child. I'm concerned what I hear about this recent thing. I want to put something short in writing just to clarify this is concerning to hear ( what my son said). But son will get it if I say something. Also, my teen may be misinterpreting as he's said I've said things to me I haven't said.
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My ex I feel is sinister as shit packaged up very nicely. The weirdo went into my emails to read them when we were together for a start.

I honestly hate being surrounded by these behaviours.

I suppose I would make it clear to my child my thoughts on the matter. Short sharp fact. Wouldn’t bother speaking to the ex. They don’t care, doing it deliberately, want your reaction. My daughter also calls me many things and I just respond with, well that is your perspective, it’s unkind but your thoughts are up to you. I tell her to make sure they are her thoughts and not placed there by someone. My daughter is told all sorts about me by my ex. If she ends up believing them then so be it now. I will correct but only short sharp facts. I don’t convey any of this to her dad. Despite the fact he is damaging her.

It’s all just a matter of perspective really and we can’t fight another’s perspective of us. It’s is so sad that the children are damaged by these narcs.

I did address it quite firmly directly with my son. Is my son going round saying ' my mum said I have X condition ' - is this a problem for me? Is he saying that in school. This is my worry. I have spoken in depth trying to support him and reassure him about the situation. I said if he fears it ( because he kept saying what he said to me and school about not having it) then that's an ok feeling. But I don't feel he does, he has nothing to worry about etc.

I'm very uncomfortable about this. Can you see what I'm concerned this looks like? My son called me 'Gypsy Roses mum' a few times. She is a famous mum with Munchausen.

Psychopath nut job mother said my teen told her he thinks I am going to stab him. 🤷 I lost my shit as mum's in my situation will understand and shouted at him loudly. Am I planning to stab him. No ffs. My mum is insane so that could have been made up.

My child is displaying these same problematic behaviours I'm really sad to say and I have no idea how to navigate this.

I have to develop a consistent way of communicating now recognising this is what's happening. I feel I'll never change how this is going.

Every person in the periphery he engages with ( my mum his dad), they're highly sociopathic. I want to run away I really do.

Oh I don’t know. Could you email the school to let them know what he has been saying at home? Sounds really difficult to navigate. Also horrible to feel like you are loosing your son to the madness and he loosing his grip on what is real and what is not. They are terrible people.

I really don't know what to do but I'm going to do nothing today. I feel that I have to learn to be with this stuff and not react.

I've learnt everything ref disengaging totally with this behaviour and have with sibling successfully for 18 months NC. My mum is communicating but I'm yellow rocking consistently text wise. That's been a few months.

When it's a child / ex and there's behaviour from both it is a whole other world I don't know how to navigate. I feel I'm going to have to continually say that's not correct, we will agree to disagree on repeat now with my own child.

I believe now a fair amount of this stuff is inherited. And environmental stressors are just going to simply light the match. That's my experience anyway, and something I see quite clearly and I'm devastated.

To add - this stuff has always been happening but I didn't see it fully, I was in full people pleaser mode also. It's intense now because I'm changing/ have changed dramatically.

Not 100% convinced on the inheritance. But they definitely inherit the dysfunctional environment because unfortunately they live in it. It only takes one parent to be disordered. I thought if I left my ex husband then I would save my daughter. I also have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t. The other half of her family are disordered. Her dad, her grandmother her auntie… all apples from the same tree unfortunately. We are doing our best, we have to stand firm with them and also stand firm with ourselves as it’s not in our control anymore. It makes me sad as I love her to bits but I don’t like all of her behaviour.

Yeah I feel your dynamic is very similar to mine. In this situation there was enough stress tbh and disordered influence for my child to have to go a certain way. Aside from the Autism and ADHD which is inherited.

I have to learn to let go and accept and I'm not sure exactly what I'm accepting either. But I know I need to give it up. I am an empathetic person, full of compassion and have been this person always as a mum. But it doesn't matter because it does not mean that's going to happen automatically with your child no matter how much I show them this - and I have to let that go.

I do believe a huge amount is out my hands and always was. I simply don't like it. I don't know how to behave alongside it either.

I don’t like it either, I’m absolutely gutted, mixed in with terrible guilt for making such a poor choice of father. I know I didn’t know but still I’ve not set her up for the easiest of life. The ADHD I can understand but her behaviours she is learning from her dad that feel easier and more alike to her worry me. She need to know that some of the ways she behaves is wrong to be able to challenge herself as she grows. Instead she is going to fit into them like a glove because she recognises it wrongly in her father.

I think this is what sets us apart from these people. We want the best for our kids, even if that means picking apart our own behaviour and challenging our beliefs. We don’t want them to suffer as we have but they want to use them so that they can stop their own suffering. They’ve got it the wrong way around.

What a sad read & what a difficult thing to carry, knowing that you can't save your own kids. I have come to realise I can't save my niece and I always just see myself in her, but that's different as I am not parenting her and have let go of the idea that I could have any significant influence on her that may alter the course of her life. It's like seeing myself grow up again. She's not displaying awful behaviours/beliefs. I think she's the child that may become troubled by the choas and conflict. I get a sense she may not be a 'true believer'.

I'm really sorry for what you are enduring. I do believe a lot is nurture, but part of it is out of your control. It's like some bodies have a predisposition to develop heart disease if xyz circumstances happen. I believe it is like this with the mind too.

The ADHD and the ND is from me. But I am and never have been a nasty abusive twat. I’ve never needed to feel better than anyone, I only ever wanted to be equally valued. What worries me is that my daughter quite probably due to the nature of being ND will have a low self esteem and what is she learning from him on how to raise this. She already verbally attacks when overwhelmed. This is learned I’m sure. His low self esteem is a massive problem.

Her father has self harmed, took drugs, overdosed, drank, smoked weed, abused women…what greatness is he going to pass on. If he had admitted anything and gone to therapist then yeah what a brilliant life lesson he could pass on….you can’t hide from your feelings but he’s not gone down that road and turned into a narc

It's the abject refusal and failure to self reflect and be accountable. It blows my mind. I have 3 adults in my life ( well did have) who never once ever took responsibility ever!! For appalling behaviour. And I would not even shame but gently very gently challenge. And that's when the shit started piling on me. 2 distanced but ex remains. He doesn't want to contact or engage with me as I ask questions or highlight things ( big giant concerning things regarding what's going on in his child's life) and I'm therefore a problem. No matter how nicely I say it - it's a problem. I am accused of all sorts in response.

When I think about the life ingredients and environment, my son had no chance really, none. But I sensed something different at age 1. And I know we are always correct as mum's if we listen.

I wonder if there's any hope that road can be averted. But the truth is it isn't something I can influence too much as I'm very much a part time mum now due to my health situation.

I have nephews. One I feel is very different. The other I feel is going to go the other way. Temperament and environment mix together I'm quite sure. It's sad thinking what could have been.

I believe we get most upset because of the fact we made a decision and chose this.

And I don't believe any of us are bad wrong or stupid. We simply didn't know and it was destined almost. And this in no way detracts from the love I have for the resultant child, whom I love endlessly and always will regardless.

I haven't managed to keep up with this thread for a bit but hello to all. Just popped on to say that I am reading Miranda Harts book ( I haven't been entirely honest with you).
Wow it is really v good. It is pulling together so many threads in my mind and if anyone has a chronic illness or is just struggling in general.it could be really helpful.
I am only half way through myself but I can't put it down. So honest and inspiring with so much wisdom for all of us who have endured trauma and rejection. Anyway love to all.

@flapjackfairy thank you for the reference.

Is there any talk of hope for recovery in the book? I'm severely physically impaired with aggressive autoimmune diseases.