May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Thanks @Pleaseshutthefuckup I appreciate it!! My kids are aware that my parents aren’t safe people to be around and, luckily, my son wasn’t with me yesterday. The hatred in my mother’s eyes is something I won’t forget. I’ve always known she didn’t like me but yesterday the venom in her voice, the inability to see another perspective is mind blowing. They scare me, the two of them, I go back to being a teenager in their presence.

I usually see her about 3 times a week and speak to her on the phone that frequently too.

She used to live 40 a minute drive away but last year she moved house and now lives a 2 minute drive away. I’m absolutely suffocated.

She has nobody else in her life and so she expects me to fulfill all her needs. There’s so much pressure and in drowning. It was bad enough anyway but now her manipulative and controlling behaviours are starting to creep in I’m just finding it all too much ☹️

thank you @FriendlyReminder

@junebugalice eek, that sounds horrifying. See how your body responded to seeing them? That's the truth of the situation and your upbringing with them. It's the truth of your trauma.

I don't think it's possible to heal entirely from this kind of wound to the point where you don't have a visceral reaction. IME therapy connected me to my body for the first time in such a way that the visceral reaction is stronger now. I spent most of my life numb and unknowingly grey rocking, then my body woke up and my body would go into panic in my mother's presence. I see it as a sign of healing rather than a stepback. You will always have a wounded inner child who desperately seeks that true loving parent relationship. It's probably the part of you that makes you a great parent now. Don't shame yourself for it.

Yes, I feel the exact same. I feel scared at the behaviour or body language that reminds me.

My mum is an alcoholic. It starts at about 4pm every night so it's well hidden. Excellently hidden in fact. When she's totally gone, she is so cruel, her eyes change and she looks identical to my also alcoholic brother. Also hidden; he has a really good job and even gets people to feel pity for his ' oh I do sometimes drink too much ' alcoholic ways. Never mind the awful abuse I have suffered - and others.

The fear is for many of us - what exactly are you capable of. How far will you hurt me? I don't know if you've seen the film Misery, well that's what I feel like. I actually visualise slapping her in my mind when I'm dealing with her at her worst and full of fear. I think I could strangle her sometimes. I am not naturally a hateful person. When you start uncovering what you have suffered all your life, and face it - well, that's enraging.

I can't believe the absolute arrogance to turn up at your son's event. I hope so much she doesn't. Even the fear or thought though isn't fair is it. That is impacting you even now and that's what I find so hideous about them. They get to you anyway they can psychologically.

I am on a robotic yellow rock mission with my one now. It's very difficult because I just have so much emotion. Indifference and no emotion is the goal - but that is so tough to achieve. They love the drama and emotions which is nuts in itself.

Dr Ramani on YouTube is a pillar of strength to me. My therapist also - I love her with all my heart ( in a non weird clingy way 🤷😬🤣). This amazing woman has helped me see everything and never avoids truth and reality, as ugly as it is. I don't think I ever would have realised what I was experiencing and the role I take ( people pleaser, responsible for everyone else's behaviour etc etc).

I can't think on the best strategy for your mum. Alot depends how much influence she has, if you have to see her etc. The yellow rock is hard to do when you want to actually punch them in reality. But it's very empowering because you know they're in an absolute spin when you just communicate that way. It does give you excellent control back.

I find many of us victims are usually honest authentic people and playing these fake games is very taxing on our soul.

Oh no way. Poor you. That's alot. It's kind of on a similar level to me and my situation.

Boundaries sound really important here. They're essential. Thinking through what you can cope with in terms of contact and making that happen through your actions.

3 times a week is not healthy to you. If there is anything else you can do to take up that time and keep her away, that I would do. Make up any excuse and don't stop enforcing it. Try bring it down to once a week for example. You have nothing on this earth to feel guilty about.

@junebugalice what a terrible experience. It is so very telling how your nervous system reacted. Our parents are such awful people for having caused that. I hope you can go back to NC so that you don't bump into them again and they keep away. But also remind yourself that you are well into healing for having seen your mother's hatred for what it is. You know the reality and I hope your nervous system gets back to safety.

I have a multitude of very serious autoimmune diseases and have been hospitalised endlessly because of it. I really do wonder how much my life triggered all this. ( That sounds self pitying; not my intent).

I wish I was a hard hearted person because I know I wouldn't be so disabled if I was. My older brother suffered growing up. He is sociopathic now. But also a victim. Like my own mum. She suffered too,now definitely narcissistic at the least. I feel there's the potential for sociopathy at the next level which is terrifying.

I wonder why some of us end up one way and others the other way. Not one of them has health problems despite endless alcohol abuse.

I don’t know how these narcs have the energy to keep up the pretence. They have to be admired in all their relationships they encounter. Don’t they ever get tired? And like you say unwell from having to constantly put their perfect self forward. I don’t know how they do this.

I find they're the ones who don't get sick. They don't feel things, so can do awful things and not feel it in their body. It's usually the victims who lose their health with never ending exposure.

I refuse to use the phrase ' too sensitive ', it's a minimising phrase most often used to avoid accountability and to actually perpetuate victim shaming and abuse.

So instead, I will say that I am a sensitive being in that I feel things alot and sometimes wish I didn't. There is a beautiful pay off to that which is my love of animals and nature and music and really feeling beautiful sensory experiences. I connect with people on a very deep level, only those who are not personality disordered. Sadly, I have been surrounded my entire life by them.

Gabor Mate's work is all about this. I 100% believe that it is. It tracks in my life too, as the "well / easy" read ignored and neglected child that got diagnosed with 3 chronic diseases in the last 2 years. I'm suffering infertility as a result, and my real awakening / breakdown came as I began to envisage motherhood. Motherhood had been so damaging to me that my reproductive system is a mess, I can't ignore how symbolic that is. Every life experience in recent years aligns with my complex trauma causing all of this.

As to "why us?" Well. I don't think you'll find any simple answers. Life's not fair, it can be viciously random. It doesn't help me to dwell on the question now. All I know is I am not my narc mother or entitled emotionally immature golden child sister. That's blatantly clear. I was born to the wrong mother, but maybe there's a gift in that too. If we're lucky enough to start a family, we will be reversing all of this for the next generation. If we're not: now I get to find meaning in my life, true meaning. I don't have to live an empty hopelessness of self loathing, living for other's expectations, going through life in the same circles of projection and judgement and emotional constipation, leaving a trail of destruction behind me.

@wonderingwonderingwondering ah that felt very familiar to me. Yes, I have been the over emotional, too sensitive golden child. My position has now changed and I feel I'm the scapegoat.

I really don't spend time saying ' why me' in a state of self indulgence. It's actually a philosophical pondering. What happens; where is it an inherent biological or spiritual difference and what proportion is the environment.

I'm very much into Gabor but I had to come away after his take on ADHD. I do believe ADHD like traits can be trauma behaviours but there's a genetic component associated with Autism. My own son is a teenager and is Autistic/ ADHD. Inherited from his dad who is himself and multiple family members Autistic.

Being a parent has been agonising for me tbh. I didn't realise how much I'd struggle and that was compounded by having a child who is Autistic and not realising that until he was older. And in trying so hard not to let him suffer like me, I went too far the other way at times. He has behaviour now that reminds me of my mum, my brother too. The perfect combination of genetics and environment I'm sad to say.

Not adding much at the moment but oh SO glad I found this thread!!

@wonderingwonderingwondering thats exactly what I say to myself, I notice how my body reacts to them and its upsetting, I really feel for younger me in those moments and wonder how I survived my childhood at all. I feel sorry for myself now because they still have a degree of power over me. I agree with you with regards to the level of healing that can realistically be achieved, I had that conversation with my therapist recently. I don’t think you can achieve the same sense of inner peace, safety, self esteem etc that non abused kids are naturally encouraged to find and keep, us survivors are always fighting to undo the damage or heal but I think you can only heal so much, well that’s what I feel for myself, maybe others have been, or will be luckier. Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup im sorry that you also feel scared with regards to your parent and for dealing with your mothers alcoholism, I can’t imagine how scary it was to grow up like that. You mention, “what exactly are you capable of”, and this resonates with me. Really, what are these kinds of people capable of? They have proven themselves to be cruel, self centred, manipulative, sly, I could go on, so I’d say they’re capable of some pretty bad things tbh, I think that’s partly why my NM scares me, I truly believe she’s sinister. My sister is her mini me. I’m glad yellow rock works for you, it’s great you have a strategy. Unfortunately, I tried that for a number of years and I couldn’t do it anymore, I felt I was the one doing all the work at maintaining some semblance of a relationship with someone who still continued to abuse and manipulate me. When I went NC I felt like a failure of a daughter, and human being tbh, I still do because I know I’m painted as the villain in this sorry story. I don’t know if that pain will ever go away when, since birth, I’ve been labelled “the bad one/the difficult one/the whore 😦” I just couldn’t stand the sight of my parents and couldn’t cope with my kids being subjected to a second of their insanity, racism, sexism etc. oddly, I haven’t missed them once but I have absolutely mourned what I never had and that was excruciating at times. Yes, to Dr. Ramani and Patrick Teehan and Josh Connolly 🙌🏼 also, I agree 💯 about being authentic people ourselves so find being around that toxicity soul destroying. On the autoimmune topic, I also have one, all thanks to my parents.

@Twatalert thank you. It was shocking tbh, I had nightmares about them last night, which I have regularly tbh, think it’s connected to my CPTSD. Oh, I’m 100% going back to NC, I’ll just have to get braver and the next time I see them just keep walking (the thought alone makes me sick). We are so truly unlucky to have been raised ( I use the term loosely) by the people we were, I think a feral alley cat would have done a better job in my own case.

@junebugalice to go NC and to push through is the ultimate in courage and bravery. You are something quite special and very different to the toxicity of your family to be able to push through and break this cycle on some level. 🦋

I too feel complete healing is often out of grasp. Those who grew up without abuse have a natural ability to sense and keep away from dangerous people. We don't.

We often continue to meet them throughout our lives and don't automatically go ' arghhh, run'.

I can't remember who said it, a recent podcast I watched and the interviewer asked ' what's the biggest or most prominent defining characteristic of a person who has experienced childhood
trauma/abuse?'

Answer: ' they will continually try to get difficult people to treat them well'.

That summary has defined my entire existence

@Pleaseshutthefuckup your kind words brought a tear to my eye, so kind of you to say what you did 😊

on the topic of meeting toxic people and not knowing it, omg do I hear you! I have attracted the biggest narcs in my workplace, clearly their toxicity is familiar to me which is so sad in itself. Thankfully I’ve seen the light and I’ve managed to put up some boundaries with these people, I can’t avoid them unfortunately but being around them now that I’m a bit more enlightened is energy draining, I can’t stand them tbh.

i remember watching Patrick Teehan being interviewed by Dr. Ramani when he made that statement, I’m so sorry you could relate to it too. I’m so sorry you too had such a difficult and traumatic childhood, we all deserved so much better. All we ever wanted was to be treated as a human, this should have been a given and it should be a crime that we weren’t.

Thanks for the tag Friendly

@junebugalice I hope you have good people in your life who are honest and respectful and are genuine, authentic and have capacity for compassion and empathy. That is incredibly healing and grounding.

I have 2 people like this. We share similar stories about having narcs or abusers on some level in our lives. My therapist has also clearly lived through this. So that's 3 people with whom I feel calm and safe viscerally.

I am surrounded by personality disordered people. My mum, my older brother, my ex is difficult but I had behaved poorly towards him about 15 years ago before I started therapy and understanding,, he's also high masking Autistic. He gaslights though consistently. He calls me a narc which I know I'm not, so that's revealing and a bit uncomfortable. My teenage son is highly manipulative and gaslights and shows no empathy or compassion and I've sensed something there a long time. I still very much love him. Yet, I think, well no wonder I'm so physically unwell. And that hurts like hell.

My lifelong friend also can do things like gaslight and it took me years to realise fully.

I think so many people are trapped in these systems. I am so grateful I am single and not married and tied to one. For that I am lucky.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup im so glad you have those two people that you feel you can open up to and be your authentic self, that’s amazing. I have a brilliant husband who is so supportive and emotionally aware. I genuinely think it’s a miracle I ended up with him as the male role model I had was abusive, abused, weak and violent.

Like you, I also discovered a lot of my family are disordered and dysfunctional, inter generational as was mentioned upthread. I have a childhood friend that has revealed herself to be very toxic so I’ve had to acknowledge that and put some boundaries in place, it’s another sad, if not inevitable, realisation.

Im sorry to hear about the difficulties you have with your son but I would bet that you have tried infinitely more to be the best parent that you could be than what was modelled for you. Of course you love your son, healthy parents do. The teenage years can be very tough, would you consider therapy for your son? I’m such a fan of therapy, my own son was in play therapy and it helped him hugely. You’re doing great.

Such a good post 🙌

Absolutely I do believe what you say about your brother and mother's manipulation of your ex. I'm perfectly familiar with the tactic.

What I resonated the most with was what you said here: What I realised hurt me and riles me so much was my body telling me - she's up to something again. I've been there so many times. And it's the realising she's doing it when you are at your most vulnerable that is the most chilling feeling.
It was very brave what you did: in spite of the fear you felt, you were able to not give her what she wanted. I know exactly how hard it is: well done!
The cathartic moment in the car sounds awesome, too😎

Interesting conversation some of you are having about disease and the body reacting to the childhood trauma. I have read Alice Miller's work, where she explicitly poses the theory of the body doesn't lie (I believe she was one of the first to affirm and study this), and I'm also familiar with Dr. Maté's work.
wondering, I too dealt with fertility issues and endometriosis and I 100% believe in the direct link between these and my mother wound. I wish you can find healing and peace.

Strangely (or perhaps not so), having a diagnosis of endometriosis made me reconnect with my body and taking care of myself like I had never done.

I have weight issues now, as I've mentioned before in past threads, that are very directly linked to my FOO to the point of gaining weight literally every time I have physical contact with them (my eating gets totally out of control, I binge, eat lots of caloric and sweet foods...).

No change in my situation dm not heard anything from opg dm appears to still be alive presumably living with dsis which will be fun for them both as they are both used to living alone and get on each other's nerves dm is still up for rent the price has been dropped twice they have changed the pictures a few times as well

I am a bit triggered at the moment dd boyfriend who she rents a 1 bedroom flat with has finally got his inheritance around £45k as he sadly suddenly lost his dm nearly 2 years ago I am really pleased for them as they have been struggling financially we have been helping out. It's really positive for him and therefore both of them in so many ways not just financially I am not at all jealous but it has got me thinking of my own inheritance situation as in I am no longer getting any dm house alone was £600k before dsis did equity release and a we planned on giving dc house deposits which we can't do anymore it makes me sad and angry with dsis and she just seems to be able to get away with it and she will probably end up broke again as she has to pay her interest only mortgage off as well as the equity release.

Obviously it's not my money and dm can leave it to whoever she wants and if she had chosen to leave it all to dsis before all of this I would of accepted her wishes and still wanted to be part of her life which unfortunately I am not now and i know to quote dsis on this one inheritance is guaranteed- dsis used to tell my dc when i thought we were close everything went to her when they corrected her and said it went to us both which it did she used to reply inheritance isn't guaranteed thankfully me and dh aren't financially reliant on it unlike her but makes me wonder if she planned this all along and i probably should of taken more notice at time