May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Wow that's a very good point!!! If they simply got punched in the face as feedback it would have helped everyone and they'd have at least not done it to the puncher again. Quite angry that I didn't just punch my ex sister every time she opened her horrible mouth. I used to hate myself more for not standing up for myself rather than them for being cruel.

I presume everyone has heard of the charity Standalone for estranged people?

I've finally given up smoking after over 40 years and I realise how very much I had relied upon it to suppress discomfort. I gave up drinking many years ago when I realised it was creeping up a bit too much.

Next of course I'll have to tackle over eating. And I'm so panicky in crowded places, supermarkets are just barely possible.

I've been like this my entire life, I need to be able to see the exit sign in enclosed public spaces and there's a nagging fear that there won't be enough oxygen.

I'm batshit really and always have been but mask 24/7. I'm tired.

@Dogaredabomb oh I hadn't heard of standalone. I looked it up and it's super that it's in London. Do you know if it's still active? It looks a bit dead.

Addiction is a massive issue for abuse survivors. Well done on tackling them. Do you know yet how to address overeating? Asking for a friend...

@Dogaredabomb I hadn’t heard of Standalone either.

Well done on giving up smoking, that’s a great achievement.

I think most people who have been abused end up with some sort of addiction for comfort. Mine is junk food - I can eat multipacks of crisps in one sitting.

It’s like comfort and self-harm all rolled into one.

'I am estranged from my family' https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/dec/15/becca-bland-estranged-parents?CMP=share_btn_url

Oh, it looks like Stand Alone has had some changes and I don't know if it still exists, what a shame if not.

It was set up by Dr Becca Bland, above, and she is variously contactable.

I think some of addiction is down to the distorted reward system thats developed and linked with dopamine.

I can see how addiction is significantly more likely for people traumatised and abused. I do value Gabor Mate on this. He explains the links to abuse and trauma.

Our bodies and nervous systems are not the same as someone in a healthy family. I believe we genetically inherit things that may also be switched on ( epigenetics).and it's passed on this way.

I easily could have been an alcoholic. My health challenges forced extreme discipline in everything including food which I actually can't eat ( primarily liquid diet). It feels a bit ironic tbh ffs. 😆

I find it difficult to be sympathetic when all my family are drunk dependent and have no boundaries with strong proclivity to abusive behaviour - worsened when drunk.

I think that neural pathways are developed, altered or damaged by trauma aren't they and does that have something to do with dopamine and the reward system?

Plus something about fat cells, if they have EVER been used makes it easier for them to fill with fat again. Can everyone tell I'm not a science person 😁

Plus there's just some absolutely basic stuff going on. Sweets/chips + yummy in my tummy = feel good so if you feel like shit a Mars Bar seems like a good idea.

I'm a lunatic toddler on the inside have to don my adult costume to get through life.

I used to be a designer, I lived and breathed this. I have become addicted to scrolling narcissistic abuse. It was giving me a hit. I know enough now and I’ve stopped scrolling. Recovering from trauma can take over every inch of your life and thoughts like an addiction.

@Dogaredabomb I don't know much about it either. But I read that it is VERY hard for obese people to loose weight because the body always wants to return the baseline it has known, so it panics and makes you feel hungry and have cravings once you start to loose weight. Something to do with evolution and the body not knowing that it's 2025 and I don't need to go hunting and won't starve. This scientist also says that the body is a few hundred or thousand years behind, so it might evolve in a way that in 1000 years or something absurd like that it won't send those signals to the brain anymore that one needs to eat when you change your eating habits.

It makes sense to me. I have done intermittent fasting for a year now and it is the most natural thing to me. It has reduced food noise. But every time I lose 1kg I have days following in which I'm so hungry there is nothing I can eat to stop this. Its extremely challenging and I don't always succeed in just sitting this out.

I don't see that as addiction. It's information gathering. We probably have a similar trait there. I do this. I information gather passionately. Then move forward.

It's not a negative when it's opening your mind to reality. Who on earth could believe this is a thing we have lived in and so many people have such dark traits. People aren't taught about this and most people live in delusion and will dismiss this experience.

We therefore watch and gather again and again to try understand it and to hope it stays in there and we can use that information to help us.

I realise this explains the times I have been what might seem ' addicted ' to programmes about psychopaths and killers. I was information gathering and trying to make sense and understand. And my experience was subconsciously driving it.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup apparently you are most likely to get addicted to what your parents use as coping mechanisms. Again, same theme: you just continue what you grew up with.

In a way I'm lucky it's 'just food' and I'm able to function unlike with drugs or alcohol. But I also can't just give up food and society isn't ready too look at obesity as anything other than greed and lack of willpower.

The NHS is not equipped to deal with it just as it is not equipped to deal with mental issues. I was referred to slimming world to sort me out. It was a rough day for me.

It's also a form of dissociation to not make you feel the painful stuff. Very hard to strike a balance. I had or have a habit to become extremely interested in one topic and can't stop researching. Also why I thought autism. But no, it was dissociation from reality and i just escaped into my mind.

It was a way I believe to stop myself from looking at myself. If it was everyone else’s fault then I don’t have to look at how some of my own behaviours aren’t the best. But empathy towards why I have developed them has helped me a great deal.

@Twatalert yes I agree with that. I had a huge problem with binge drinking alcohol. I haven't for years drank alcohol. Yet, that was a normalised behaviour I had observed and went to.

@Happyfarm this popped up just now. I think that's a coincidence after what we have discussed today. I'm sure my phone is pulling data on all my bloody activities and it's feeding every algorithm ffs. 🤦

Anyway, it feels quite relevant. I know I'm always being encouraged to look inside via therapy. I see so much I don't like. Such a people pleaser, such a target for abusive people with no moral compass. I almost invited them in. But I forgive myself as I see I was raised in a regime of complete insanity compared to my true inner sense of self and values.

All I wanted was to be loved. From anyone, any Tom dick or harry, I was not discerning. I’ve never really stopped to think do I actually like them. In fact the silly thing was I didn’t even like my ex husband although at the time I didn’t realise that I felt resentment for him. He couldn’t give me what I needed because he was just taking from me. I didn’t see people for who they were, I sore people as love suppliers. Really a bit narc like. It’s that need, that deep down need that’s just never been filled. It doesn’t go away until you look deep into yourself. I don’t actually like the people that I’ve been so desperate to get attention from. Like, I don’t like their morals, their values etc. I’ve never been discerning about who I let into my life before because I so desperately needed them. I actually have values and morals now that were never present. Looking too much into others take away from finding yourself.

You'll find you probably don't really like any bloody person with time.

The more I see, the more I really see awful traits in people I know. People I always leaned towards. Not all of course. All people can be shit. We are all transactional. The more harmful traits though, I'm seeing them in a fair few with glaring clarity and I don't want to be near them. I really don't like it.

Our instincts are so messed up when it comes to recognising harmful and not harmful. That's from our history and childhood. We had no choice and our mind could not listen to our instincts because it would have impacted our ability to survive as children. We had to do this to maintain connection to caregivers.

People I find are inauthentic, fake, followers, masked. I know maybe 1 other person who doesn’t wear a mask. I think once you’ve seen this then it’s really difficult to see people the same. People live with things to prove. I no longer want to prove anything to anyone. I realise I just have to back away from this standardised way of life. I look at social media and it’s a see of sameness. Everyone wants to be like everyone else.

The more you do this, the more people will go. Because you're right. Most people are not on this wave length. I sometimes enjoy being so honest now and watching the reaction.

I do not mean intentionally cruel or hurtful. I mean simply speaking my truth - with as much diplomacy as possible.

I'm finding that people, new people, respond to me very positively. But I'm in a position of privilege in that my parents are dead, I'm nc with both sisters and I have a new life. I moved across the country. I'm able to be just me, no one thinking I'm sly, sneering etc etc etc

I get on perfectly well with everyone I have chatted to and some neighbours have said oh you're the best neighbours we've had in that house. I'm only being my authentic self.

I imagine you are a wonderful person to know. I imagine all of us here, shedding our family personality and reconnecting with the true suppressed part of us - are all pretty wonderful.

Having boundaries is the first step to weeding out the arseholes. People don't like it when they want to benefit from you and what they can have. After this, anyone sticking around might be worth knowing. 😆❤️.

I agree that you more easily detach from the part of you that mimics or identifies with the unhealthy family personality when they're gone. Either in physical distance, emotional distance, also through death, which feels horrible to say.

At this moment I feel really sad about the situation and even pity for my mum. Today I'm not angry. I'm really sad. I must not let this weaken my resolve and need for self preservation.

It's a rollercoaster of heartache tbh. The whole situation is so tragic.

That's a really kind thing to say, thank you ♥️

I wouldn't go too far with the pity for your mum, be careful. They didn't have pity for us as children did they. I'm not saying that to be bitter or vengeful just as Maya Angelou said 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

My two children do not get along AT ALL. The youngest is a rule following autist, the eldest is a PDA autist with added Adhd and has taken advantage of the youngest many times in the past. Very badly and repeatedly.

The youngest no longer wants any form of relationship with the eldest and I would feel exactly the same if I was him.

Meanwhile the eldest is heartbroken. However, it is justified, and I know it's permanent.

I'm extremely mindful of my own past situation with siblings and I want to honour the truth of their feelings without coercing the youngest into a relationship that he does not want.

Whilst acknowledging the heartbreak that the eldest feels. Mum utterly gaslit me about my sister's abuse of me and it was probably more harmful than the abuse.

Once or twice my sister would be so very overt that it was ridiculous and mum did say you were right all along about her treatment of you. But then she would go back to gaslighting again.

I'm finding it hard to navigate this. The eldest IS abusive, to everyone actually, and it has had many very serious consequences.