May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

So do you just think that she can’t cope in a mainstream school so she is loosing control? The other kids and parents are not being v nice either. Excluding her from parties and telling her to her face. Telling her she can’t play with them in break etc. I’m not surprised really she reacts sometimes.

I don't know but it's something to explore, can you speak to the senco at her school and ask about private send SpLD schools in the area that might be able to meet her needs. Would you say she's having ebd at school? Where is she academically within her class? One of mine was top, the other low middle.

I think you've mentioned before she has ASD?
ASD causes communication issues, that's why she's reading situations/words wrongly.
She's impulsive (also can be a feature of ASD for some) which is why she feels she "can't help" her reaction.
The spitefulness etc is maybe learned behaviour from her narc dad.

By which I mean she'd respond negatively regardless, because she believes the situation is about her (low self esteem could play a part in that too, or rejection sensitivity) and she has poor impulse control, but the exact nature of her response could be learned behaviour. I expect she's heard/seen her dad behave in a similar way/say similar things towards others (she may have been on the receiving end of his nastiness herself too) and has received the subconscious message that's how to behave when someone upsets you.

Like with a lot of things in life, people don't want to do things they find difficult/impossible. For your DD, that's navigating social situations. At school age, most of those type situations comes from having friends. Not having friends allows her to avoid having to try to do something she can't do. It's easier. Sometimes people with ASD want friends even though they can't do friendship and are upset about not having any, others are truly content in their own company and see no point in friends at all.

The other parents are totally unreasonable. You're not at school with DD, so you can't keep her away from others. It's ridiculous of them to demand it. If they have a problem with her they should be raising it with the teachers not you. I'd block them TBH. Their DC aren't your DDs friends so why be in touch with them if they're going to send inappropriate messages? It'll just add to your own stresses in life to receive them.

She reminds me so much of her dad, everything was about him. I always thought he was a narc but perhaps he is autistic. Or like you say she has just picked up on how he deals with perceived rejection. I have issues with communication and rejection also, have done since forever but I don’t respond this way. I will internalise and become depressed I suppose in the past. She is much more reactive like her dad. I’ve never reacted by saying hurtful words whereas she is apparently very spiteful. Half the time it’s got nothing to do with her.

The other DC telling her outright she's not invited to a party or she can't play with them at break will be because they've been on the receiving end of her poor behaviour once too often and want nothing more to do with her. That's reasonable of them, it's a healthy boundary to have. They don't have to tolerate her nastiness regardless of the reason for it. If they don't like her, they don't like her and that's that. I expect, due to her difficulties with communication, they're having to tell her bluntly because anything less clear isn't understood by her.

If their parents are messaging you, I expect the DC are at the end of their tether with your DD and struggling to get her to leave them alone, they'll be constantly complaining to their parents about their difficulties with her.

Could also be a bit of tit-for-tat. She blows up at them for (from their perspective) no reason, because they weren't being nasty about her even though she thinks they were. They then respond to that nastiness from her by being nasty back and telling her in a spiteful way (rather than just a kindly factual way) that she can't play with them.

This is the problem with mainstream schooling (or life in general TBH). It's not only the practical tasks the ND person is having to navigate, it's the social interaction side of things too and that's the bit they sometimes can't do/cope with, no matter how intelligent they may be.

I’m so sad for her. I literally don’t know what to say to the parents.

It is sad. And there's really nothing you can say to the other parents that they'll want to hear. They don't want to hear the truth, which is that your DD is disabled by her ND and you can't make it not be so, however much you'd like to! That's why I'd block them. Their interactions with you on this are totally pointless and the fact they're sending these messages means they don't understand that.

My mother is hideous. But I’m having a moment. I feel lost and vulnerable and am so so jealous of people with great relationships with their mum. I keep trying and keep being rejected one way or another but don’t know how to let it go. Just a bad day really

Acceptance and dropping the rope. Then build a life around the grief as we all do when we loose something dear to us. A relationship with our mums is so dear to us even if we never had it.

I've thought through so much behaviour that is bordering on psychopathic. When I recall all my memories and reactions to things, I am thinking now that my mum is Autistic with overlap of sociopathy at the least. Part of me is questioning if there's the possibility of psychopathy but I'm not too sure.

I won't have contact with any of my family again now.

I'm not even sad about it at all. Now I see that my family are very abstract humans who I never actually had. It kind of makes sense now. They aren't even bad in my eyes today. How my mum is is her normal and she doesn't even realise what she is I think.

My devastation is that I am declining so rapidly now and my life genuinely feels like it is in the toilet. I'm gutted I hadn't realised all that I now know as a healthy person able to go try a different reality out with them removed. That's what I'm so sad about and resisting with anger.

I am really sad that I have to be alone and can't see my child either. There's no capacity for empathy at all unfortunately and it is accelerating my decline quite painfully attempting to look after them. It's only exacerbated by the sociopathic grandmother so I have a double whammy. I'm really sad I can't just have a nice few mother son moments as this is happening and I sleep away my life age 40 something.

That is how I see it. We are the devastated party for they are exactly how they should be. They will never be able to bend for us, they are fixed. We were born into the trauma of our own parents and they are too rigid to ever realise. I suppose it’s that saying, not my circus.

As we go through the healing process I can’t believe just how much shame we have developed for ourselves. I find that emotions such as jealousy create such shame within us. But then how could a person not be jealous of someone who has something they wish they had. Some of these emotions are so shame inducing. We’ve had no choice but to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms because the alternative is ego annihilation. Is is very hard to accept yourself.

I feel no jealousy about this. I am so scarred by my own history I want only peace for myself. Every time I choose to be alone I start taking care of myself. People are primarily a virus to me ATM. I think with healing you get to a place where you won't envy. You're on the middle of the fog still because you can't get away enough from people that are bad for your spirit. Yes, even people you love.

Being alone is calling me continually to take care of me. What have I not listened to or done to help my body my mind my spirit.

I went to a lake and swam the other day. I haven't swam for years. I thought I'd collapse. I knew I'd be looked after by something and I was and I did it. Because I have done this 🖕and removed my accessibility and all means of communication to me.

Other people take and destroy us because some of us here are surrounded by dark triad characters.

I've spent a few days with a good friend and my nervous system settled. She is one person I know who is not dark in character. I've known since school. The day I met her I knew instinctively she was not harmful. That's my recollection of meeting her. That feeling. That says everything about my fucked up life.

I now believe quite strongly that my mum is very possibly high functioning Autistic with overlap into Sociopathy. The sociopathy dominates her personality. I believe my brother is also. My aunty I believe too ( the relative). She has Autistic kids ( my cousins)- very high functioning on the outside - who then had Autistic kids ( more obvious). It is all coming together like a jigsaw.

My father was not and he died when I was a child.

I am not Autistic. I am not a narcissist or sociopath. I am highly compassionate. I have therefore grown up in a system where I am the complete alien.

I then met an Autistic guy, had an Autistic child. Again, I had no idea he was (don't think he even knows and would be in rejection of the suggestion) - and because of Autistic ex's cross over into elements of sociopathy too - everyone gaslit me about my own fucking child when I said ' this definitely isn't me causing this'. That took 10 god damn years to say.

I feel like I just walked out an insane asylum this week. I have never seen such clarity in my life.

I don't believe all ND people are sociopathic I want to stress. This scenario I describe involves cross overs into strong predominant sociopathic traits.

The combination for one person living in this as a different type of person to everyone in this collective is a fucking hell like living in a mental Russian insane asylum.

I feel a little overwhelmed and paralysed a bit. I’ve just been told I’m quite far into perimenopause and pick up my hrt today. I’m not sure how I feel about this as I’m only 42 and it’s probably according to docs been going on for years. Has this been the cause of all my brain fog and confusion and fatigue? I’m also feeling old and unattractive and urgh really. I also have my daughters adhd referral to complete. I’m sure this is just life really but not having a mum to talk to about how I feel emotionally or anyone is hard. Life is moving too quick and I’m still trying to catch up.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup I relate to a lot of what you are saying. I’m also surrounded by them. I’m related to 3 malignant narcissists (my own family and DHs). And then as happens in families like ours there is a mixture of flying monkeys/enablers, and relatives high in narcissistic traits who have learnt from the chief narcs how to be narcs. The scapegoats are all either dead or unwell and isolated like me.

The worst has been realising that because of my upbringing a lot of people I chose as friends through my life were also narcissistic in the various forms it comes in. I was watching some Dr Ramani videos yesterday and it was an eye opener. I didn’t know there were narcissists beyond the covert/overt types. When I learnt about communal, self-righteous etc narcissists it was an eye opener, because people in my life who I just thought of as awkward/stuck in their ways/like things their way/judgemental/etc - are actually also bloody narcissists too - they are everywhere in my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately that perhaps knowing they are narcissists actually gives them more power over us. Because we now see them for what they are we almost give them a powerful monster status. When the reality is inside they are weak pathetic individuals who like to blow other people’s candles out so there’s shines brighter. They are people who waste their own lives trying to destroy other people while also trying to prove they are better than everyone else. Joyless characters inside who only gain happiness from hurting other people. So the last couple of days I’ve started thinking of them as pathetic, people to be pitied. The Mean Girls/boys who have never grown up, bullies who need a little gang around them nodding, and it’s made me feel a little bit stronger in myself. When you really think about it, us scapegoats are actually the strong ones, not them. We have been through hell and are still surviving.

I recommend take the HRT, try it out and assess how you feel taking it. Just listen to yourself and see how you feel on it.

It's probably a combination for you here. Burn out from masking your authentic ND self. You know you are and have probably had to hide it forever.

You are surrounded by people who take advantage of your nature. You therefore have significant emotional stress and trauma. At some point, we go no fucking more. It will come out somewhere,whether body or mind.

You don't need a mother to process this. It's not a mother you're missing. It is being in proximity to people who are authentic and love you and want to take nothing from you. Not abuse you. That is what you need. It's not your mum or a mum.

Go do what brings you calm and peace for an hour when you can. If you're near the sea, go to the sea. Go alone.

If you aren't already,maybe think about trying antidepressant medication at a low dose. I would not tell any arseholes you're doing that.

Life as an ND person is incredibly difficult alone so having a bit of help with it all is a good thing.

I was on sertraline some years ago. After 5 ISH weeks it was fantastic. It helped me cope with life.

Maybe think about all of us who share your experience ref cruelty and no love from a mum. And know you are not alone. You are connected to all us here by that experience.

EDIT - Happyfam I may have mixed you up with someone else saying they felt they are ADHD so apologies if that's wrong. Without that, you still have enough on your plate to cope with imo.

Your daughter's lucky you're trying to help her. It is not a criticism to pursue that assessment. Every amazing musician that I adore and admire I believe is certainly ND. These people are skilled and amazing and have capability beyond many who are not ND imo. It is not throwing her under the bus. Don't let anyone tell you that, including her.

Yes I relate to so much. Actually seeing my ex and his Autistic behaviour and now seeing my mum really fits that bill too. This has given me a different perspective. It has removed significant power in my mind from them.

The last few days - I see them as people who absolutely do not understand social rules and reciprocating in a way other people do. But that is sadly added to with the high level dark personality traits and behaviours. I believe all of them - when they see and feel strength and assertive behaviour and calm - they will all fuck off instead of trying to kill me.( like a high level psychopath would).

Every video you watch will reveal that they are pathetic. If you keep watching Dr Ramani and definitely try Jerry Wise. Because he presents them as injured little children. And they are.

We just can't predict the threat level to us. This is why we get so frightened I think.

But like a child - when they are faced with absolute strength, they stop acting up don't they.

Strength is that we don't play the game and we don't dance any more.

I have accepted absolute No Contact with my entire family and I feel so peaceful about it.

We are afraid to walk away totally sometimes. Because who wants to wave goodbye to an entire family.

Oh yes, I have recently established that a life long friend of mine is in one of those narc categories. I forgot which one. You know what I also see with clarity; terribly insecure and terribly frightened. That's why she does it.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup yes it was me who suspects I am ND. I always thought that I could get through life on my own. It has made me bitter, I don’t tho, I really don’t want to keep doing it alone. I really suspect deep down that many ND folk who are alone really don’t want to be but life has and the people in it have pushed us to the edge. Relationships feel a million miles out of my reach really. I suspect that is just the result of trauma. I am afraid inside the one thing I really want, friendship.

VWSC3 I think they fear us. Mum (dead 🎉) used to say I was sly and sneering. I really don't think I am, I don't think I'm judgemental or superior at all and what is 'sly'? Dishonest? I don't think so, careful (around them) yes, pathologically careful and secretive (around them) yes, very much so.

I choose my words carefully but - I'm an educated adult in control of my temper, I can also choose the words that are accurate.

So I think she thought I was superior and there was sneering. Because she felt less than me???

I am/was superior because I'm able to examine a viewpoint other than my own. I think it pissed her off that I wouldn't backbite and gossip and it made her feel like a shit. Then projected that feeling.

Meh, byeeeee 👋

Agree entirely. It was all gaslighting, projection onto you and denial. Because you are I imagine a truthful person, you have a moral compass and you expose them.

Every ' character reflection ' therefore made up nonsense.

I notice that many of these types call you or accuse you of what they themselves are.

I have been in therapy for 15 years and we have established I am not ND. I don't feel I am.

I do however now see through relationships. They are always transactional. I therefore see myself as someone who will always struggle with relationships because of what I now knows,what I see and history and trauma impacting my ability to trust my instincts historically when in contact with other people.

And for an ND person that is very difficult on top of all the above.

I want to be alone and the have only very surface level interaction face to face now because I see the truth. If everyone lifted the veil they'd see it too. Some people are ok and happy with the transaction of relationships and it works well and is fulfilling. For many of us it isn't good for us.

Some of us have multiple problems with it and it actually is not in our best interests to seek that.

You will find what you need somewhere else outside of other people.

Yes I struggle with the transactional feeling of relationships. You have to be of use or no one wants you really.

I have made a couple of new friends who are going through similar experiences with their kids. I get confused, are we friends because of the similar experience or because we like each other. Will the friendship become something or is this another rejection waiting to happen. God it must be so simple for those non ND folk. Living under the veil must take much less energy.

They are projecting their own traits onto us aren’t they? And usually it’s in the hope of taking something away from us in the process.

I remember when one of the chief Narcs was really stalking me, controlling my time, yelling through my letterbox if I didn’t answer the door, driving up and down my road to watch if I said I was going out, trying to monopolise my children, trying to extract personal information out of me and if I didn’t oblige doing the same to my children. When I nicely told her to stop she called me controlling, and then started telling other people I was controlling too - of course in the hope that I would try and prove her wrong and bend and fold to HER control of me again.

I bet if you stepped back your mum had sly traits. Or she was doing what my relative was also doing - calling you sly so that she could manipulate you into doing what she wanted again.

I think also they say provocative things in the hope that you react negatively so they can roll out the “a-ha, now you are showing your true colours” shite and they can incorporate it into their smear campaign.

You need a break from being a mum.

This screams out of every post underneath everything you say. I don't know how much time you get with the ex having your daughter and his support on that. So you can do stuff you enjoy - like a hobby. Maybe a hobby with other people who don't have kids and there's nothing involving kids or husbands or other people sucking your life force 🙏

Mum friends are difficult because the kids have to get along and you have to get along. It's often tricky to navigate.

My longest oldest friends - I refuse to get together with them with any children involved. Simple. It took a while to realise how important that was. No play dates ever!