May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I'm starting to think that I am quite a good person too. I never thought of myself like that. I always just tried to hide parts of me. I don't even know what they are, I guess anything and everything in case I come across a certain way. Always with my mothers judging voice in my head. I could be criticised for anything at any moment, so it was best to avoid this.

People have told me before 'you are so nice, smart or funny' and I just always thought 'wtf is going on here. Why are they saying this'. I never owned it. I never believed them.

A guy chatted me up today and I realised I wasn't hiding. I was being myself and even told him I'm estranged because he asked about family. I feel really good about it. I even left exactly when I wanted to leave. Didn't draw it out etc in case he thought this or that when I leave. I did exactly what I felt i wanted to do.

And we swapped numbers, at which point I'd normally feel pressured, guess expectations etc. Not this time. I will do exactly as my emotions tell me. My therapist would be proud 😂

I know. My mum left me in hospital alone with nothing, no clothes, no underwear, nothing. She is not infirm at all. We would communicate regularly before any hospital admissions. She is able to drive easily, go to the gym, go on holidays! Do anything. She lives doors away.

She is still young and fit.

And I was totally ignored and left and given zero support in any way despite the desperate situation I was in. And it was horrific for me.

This is absolute insanity and I must not forget this when I feel bad.

I was helping other people in my bloody state, wired up to all sorts of life saving treatment ffs 🤦. Living in the same hospital gown with no bloody underwear for weeks.

I accept it isn't the job of a 60 something mum to help out here as I'm an adult. But seriously, it wasn't right there was nothing.

I have great love for friends who did so much to help out from a distance far away without me having to ask.

@Twatalert I enjoy your posts, your honesty, and expression of who you are.

As a giving person, there will always be people hovering to exploit. If the guy wants to move at warp speed with you, get those breaks on. A healthy dynamic evolves with time and respects the request to move at a gradual speed.

What I'm saying basically is be mindful to any love bombing. We are incredibly vulnerable to it.

I hope you have a fab first date in the line up and you enjoy! 💐😘

Twatalert that's brilliant news!!!! Woohoo!!! You got chatted up AND you told him you're estranged. That rocks, you just owned it. It's not your shame to carry, well done.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup @Dogaredabomb you have no idea what your words mean to me. Just when I thought I couldn't feel better about myself today you two pop up just before midnight and now I have got something in my eye.

I know. I have been love bombed before with the hot and cold tango afterwards and didn't see it and it took me ages to recover once it was over. You see, I felt a bit uncomfortable with the guy because he couldn't keep his eyes at the level of my eyes. His kept wandering to my 'assets' and I don't like that. So I want to call it off, but I'm in therapy and so if he thinks he's going to date me I'm going to tell him how I feel instead. Hopefully he just wants to be friends because I could do with some local friends.

We go to the same cafe. I have seen him many times before. If it becomes awkward I will tolerate the awkwardness. I'm ready for it all.

Yes, tell him. It's possible he's socially awkward. It's possible he's a creep. You won't know until you meet, you speak your truth as gently as possible and see how he responds.

I mean, he is a guy and unfortunately most of them are visually entranced by womanly things 🤦😆. His reaction to an honest expression of discomfort, communicated gently will hopefully help you determine if you want to go further along with this guy 🤗

@Pleaseshutthefuckup spot on. This is how one gets the emotionally mature people in ones life. By talking about absolutely anything and never compromising on your own emotional safety.

I'm SO lucky with my therapy lady. I understand now why they say the most important is the therapeutic relationship. She's modeled to me what it's like to feel safe, how to repair (with her) and move forward. She's shown me how I should feel in any relationship. It's truly healing. I had no idea relationships like this existed. I had no concept of it at all.

I understand entirely. I started therapy so many years ago. When she said to me very far back - ' why don't you just tell him the truth?' regarding negative feelings I had for a partner and how I was then behaving as a result - well I didn't understand what she was talking about! 🤦😆 Tell the truth!!! What. Who does that I thought.

Now I understand. Now it makes so much sense. Of course it's the right way. It's hard and uncomfortable until you know how.

Most people actually don't speak truthfully unfortunately and it isn't just a problem for us guys here with our history. It's an alien concept to most I truly believe.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup yes, didn't many of us here get punished from a young age for telling the truth? Scapegoats are truth tellers. There is a societal expectation to not hurt anyone with an uncomfortable truth and then there is us who were silenced by narcissistic parents.

I tell people the plain truth at times to an extent they look battered by it. Other times I hide it and I dont know what it depends on. My goal is to keep telling it always but consider others in how I deliver the message. Learn how to deliver it more tactfully.

Yes this is something I'm working on. I am a truth teller and scapegoat silenced by narc/sociopathic parent.

Schools do it too though. I see what they do often more clearly now. How many kids were told to just stop being silly if they said something truthful about an abuser when we were growing up? I imagine this happened at an alarming rate in our time growing up, exacerbated by all systems including schools. Look at how long the church got away with prolific abuse in certain areas? No one listened to people telling the truth.

I'm a parent to an Autistic kid so I'm seeing alot of what goes on when people speak the truth in the school system. 🤦Then the medical profession does it to people. Then the internet does it to people online. Shut down people for an easier life and encourage compliance.

No wonder everyone feels nuts in this society. That's a whole other thesis I could write anyway.😆

I'm not sure about telling him to keep his eyes off the prize 🏆 how can one even phrase that? 🤣

😆😆😆. I hear you. Love the language here. Making me laugh.

I mean I think I'd absolutely say something. We can dress it up a little to soften any hurt. I'm feeling this guy is probably just in awe of twatalerts assets tbh more so than a creeper.

' I have noticed you do keep looking at my chest alot when we talk. I'm not sure if you realise. I'm flattered of course. A bit unsure of your intent at the same time ' and smile. And breathe. And wait for his reaction... 😆

I absolutely would say this now. If it doesn't feel right then definitely don't say it @Twatalert . See how you feel on the day. Obviously what you're wearing and how your glorious assets are displayed might feed into how well he holds your gaze 🥰😆.

You are too funny 🤣 I was thinking more like saying 'hey, my eyes are up here'. Im not into him or a date. That will be much harder to deliver 😅

😆 yep this nails it! Simple and straight to the point, and funny.

We have to have an update you realise on how this all goes.

Do you remember that old phrase 'up here for thinking down there for dancing'? Something along those lines? I did have a workman in the house once who literally couldn't keep his eyes off my assets. It was SO blatant, I'm surprised he didn't injure himself or fall over cos he wasn't looking where he was going.

😆 it's kind of entertaining and makes me laugh thinking about such scenarios- as long as the guy isn't a creeper with that dominating vibe going on.

The days of anyone ogling my battered naan breads are over. 🙋😆

Oh god battered naan breads lol. Dating is a minefield. One minute it’s all roses then you picking up their pants! They have their use I suppose 😂 Those early few months are so nice. I think I’m jaded by the bloody perimenopause, can’t stand mine currently. And the hrt patches I started Saturday are making me nauseous! It’s nice to have someone around tho!

Partner invited his family around for lunch yesterday. I’m a lovely hostess despite at times wanting to rip off their heads with some of their stupid comments. I observe now. They have a funny way of communicating. They name drop, ego drop all the time. They talk in ways that require a pat on the back.

I got a weird upside down version of this. At home, my father's behaviour was never to be questioned, because he was never wrong, and if he was, it wasn't his fault, someone else made him do it. At the same time, he was habitually cruel about other people. He could find fault with anyone and it was always spiteful. The rule was that we had to agree with him. Now I understand that was a coping mechanism, albeit a poor one. But I have to hold up my hands and admit that sometimes, I voiced those opinions to other people outside of the home, and was frequently ostracised for it. I once told a girl on our street that I thought another girl on the street was fat (my father's description of her, a 16yo girl he didn't even know). I think I thought she would agree with me and it would make her be my friend. The opposite happened. All the kids on the street shunned me. I'm so embarrassed looking back, but at the same time, I know that I was immature and stupid and that my social skills weren't developing normally. How could they? I also know that a lot of people actively disliked me when I was a child/teen. I suspect that I was awful; overly opinionated, neurotic, deeply anxious, judgmental, controlling, mentally ill.

That aside, I've spent the weekend playing a new game I'm calling stupidity or spite, in which I keep remembering things my mother has done, which I blamed on stupidity, but I'm suddenly asking myself if it wasn't stupidity, it was spite, and I just didn't want to see it. As an example, my eldest child has some difficulties, caused by a very traumatic birth. For ages, every time I saw my mother (and she would always do it when other people couldn't hear) she would say what exactly is this issue she's got, I just don't understand. I would explain. And the next visit, she'd do it again, until eventually I ran out of patience and said I didn't understand why she kept asking, because I'd explained it repeatedly. I wasn't even planning to say it, it just slipped out. I remember she just sort of froze in her seat like a deer in the headlights. She didn't apologise or anything. I told myself that the not understanding was genuine, but now I've started to wonder if she thought she was being clever, that it was in some way a dig at me. IDK. But it's not kind, is it?

I think that one thing we’ve all missed, despite the differing kinds of abuse was confirmation by our parents. We’ve never grown one strong ego and personality and identity confirmed and guided as we grew. It is sad.

I think when you are told what your opinions are, and what you like and dislike, and every glimmer of genuine emotion is laughed at or punished, you are forced off the normal developmental pathway that is how you discover and understand yourself, so that we are still trying to put the pieces together long after people with a good enough childhood have finished doing that work.

@Crazysnakes I understand that and you deserve compassion for what you went through and how it made you relate to people when you were much younger. It's a massive thing to have changed that. My family only ever connected over gossip and like you I sought out gossip with others etc. I was living outside my head and body, constantly looking for faults in others to then gossip. I'm ashamed and sad.

@Crazysnakes on your mother you are probably right too. Even if it was about not understanding, she still wasn't empathic enough to say to herself 'well, I'm not getting it but I won't ask again as it must be annoying and hurtful for crazy snakes to explain over and over again'. You can't imagine that it was out of spite because you are not like her.

One coach for children of narcissistic parents I follow says 'the truth is much worse than you think it is', precisely because we can't imagine their intention behind some of the things they do.

Im not sure really if anyone has finished the job. I think an awful lot of people lack self awareness. It’s only because we are forced to that we have developed this…too much sometimes.

The more I think about things the more I feel narcs, people pleasers etc are very much all the same. The only difference is self awareness. Narcissism is kind of self fulfilled. The more they slip into it the more people don’t like them and the more it fills the prophecy. We have somewhere down the line looked within and stopped our unhealthy behaviour from taking over. Self awareness is a survival mechanism which is healthy. What am I doing to allow this to happen.

I literally can’t get my brain around this notion about my ex. Like, are they really as bad as this. Can people really be this bad….The truth is very scary. We are free now but in the time the thought that we really weren’t loved or cared about during all those really scary times is hard to comprehend. When I had a miscarriage or lost my dad he literally couldn’t care less. How truly horrifying that it to our survival. It’s no wonder our feelings of these times are so powerful. To us it was all life and death despite the dissonance and the lies we had to convince ourself. Scary memories.