May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I am the same. I don’t let people close to me anymore. As well as the transactional side of things, I now know that people can be very devious and 2-faced. The amount of people I have trusted who have joined in on smear campaigns, gossiped about me, backstabbed and who have gathered information for the Narcs is unreal. Once you know you can’t take people at face value friendships and relationships seem almost pointless I think.

Yes to everything you say.

It's why being calm and detached is essential.

In your mind and body and demeanor. But how difficult is this when we are often terrified of them and what we don't know about their capacity to do harm.

Because we are highly traumatised by these dark nutjobs, our entire system can shake even talking about them. They sense our high sensitivity ( a beautiful trait) and it's used against us because they are excellent at seeing our physical reactions and micro expressions. Some might laugh at another shouting through the letterbox. With calm and strength, many of these people are disarmed and will go away. But it's a huge battle for us because we're like I say, so traumatised and not entirely sure how far they could go to hurt us.

I've had shouting through my letterbox this week. It's all ' love and concern ' though. 😬😬😬 Door locked, phone off. Bye🙏

They watch and observe these type of people. Still children mentally but the capacity to read emotions in this way is high. They just cannot relate to them. Or understand them in the way say we do here.

Yes. Once you see it you cannot unsee it.

I now believe a lifelong friend ( not the one instinctively good), another one - I believe she has thrown me under the bus a few times now. I have been loyal and protective of her every day I have known her. I never allowed one bad word against her in my loyalty and support of her.

Now I see this. It is so difficult to accept this situation.

Becoming so unwell and incapacitated has been the vehicle to me seeing all this. Which I'm very gutted about. Your body really will scream until you listen.

I absolutely agree with you. They sense everything and it’s very difficult to control subconscious reactions to them. I think I’m highly likely to see this particular Narc at my child’s public event soon. It’s her style - turn up to something unwelcome, provoke, make everything about herself and make her voice the loudest in the room, then if you question it then comes the comment “it’s not about you” (nope, because EVERYTHING is about her). She’s also likely to turn up with her gang of flying monkeys, because she is far too weak to show up alone.

And yes to the yelling through the letterbox because of “concern”. They really do have a script, don’t they? When she was controlling/stalking me, she told people it was out of “concern”, so when I tried to tell people about it, not only did they think there was something wrong with me to warrant her concern, they also said “I know, isn’t she kind!!” Kind!!!!!!!

I'm still sitting at home crying. I'm crying for myself as a baby because of how awful they were to me from day 1. I can't bear anyone not being nice to a baby or an animal and they treated me so terribly.

Already as a baby I didn't sleep. I know because they told me how awful it was for them and gave me looks as if I had anything to do with my sleep as a baby. I didn't sleep for 40 years. I only started sleeping after going NC and my nervous system settling somewhat. It's utterly heartbreaking that this is what it was all about ever since I was a baby. It's like I was never meant to have a family. I don't understand how they sleep at night.

My therapist asked me if I had a soft toy or blanket as a baby and if course I'm not aware of any such fucking thing. I remember as a toddler I couldn't sleep and didn't keep the duvet on. My mother came in screaming at me, threatening to take away my duvet and give me a rag we used to clean the floor with. I also remember my mother taking of her slipper (it was salmon pink) and hitting me with it. This memory I always thought must be false. I must have made it up. But how? It's more likely to be true and I just can't deal with the terror and reality of it. It's one of the few early childhood memories I have and I always remembered it.

Memories are powerful. What I do is I out power my memories by making new ones. I purposely look for new ways to make amazing memories and I out do the poor memories I have. We need a balance. We can’t get rid of those old ones but we can add to the other side of the scale.

I'm sorry Twatalert based on everything else you've said I'm sure you're not misremembering. Be as kind to yourself in the present as possible, because no other fucker ever was.

@Twatalert do you have any photos of you as a child. My house is now surrounded by them. I talk to the little girl all the time. I feel incredibly strong love when I look at them. If you have any it might help alot. If you're ready. It can be quite upsetting to begin.

I have a picture as a young girl starting school with hideous hair like a boy, lopsided and horrible and a crop diy job she did. I was called a boy my first day of primary. In a foreign country ( army), with that, and my long hair scalped off. I had never questioned it ever. Until I started looking at my photos properly.

Cry it out as much as you have to. Your body wants you to release it. We are made to cry for very good reason.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup you are spot on. I grieved for the teenager and the 7yo a long time ago. But the baby and toddler were buried and it fucking hurts because of how helpless they were and how cruel my mother's actions were. Its like becoming conscious and I now get a sense of what it was like for these two. It's painful but necessary to process it.

I have just one photo as a child of me and I look sad. My parents never told me a single good memory they have of me as a child. I know some about my brother which get told over and over again. I truly believe that if I asked them to pay me a compliment about one thing they wouldn't know what to say.

Obviously none of us stood a chance. I know it wasn't about us etc but I can't get my head around how people treat babies and young kids like that and get away with it and don't see anything wrong with it. I just don't understand how this works.

My therapist finally said that my mother sounds quite narcissistic. I'm glad she finally said it. I had been thinking it for two years. But I immediately thought maybe I misrepresented things and gave a wrong impression of my mother, which just proves the point that she's a narcissist.

It's what I would tell anyone but myself. I wish I could finally stop to gaslight myself.

The more I read about narcissism the more I feel sick. It’s the pre-meditated way we are chosen (and/or born into it), the helplessness of it, reading all of the techniques they use and being able to tick off every single one of them happening to me/us. But then it’s reading don’t confront them, grey rock, basically shrink yourself further than they have already shrunk us so they can see they have changed us, stop being you, gain strength, don’t fight the smear campaign because it’s pointless, just silently accept everybody walking out of your life, realise all of the nastiness in the smear campaign is them projecting their shortcomings onto you. Live with it and stay silent, and let the narcissist go on their merry way living their best life, while we as scapegoats/survivors try to rebuild our lives when left in a pile of destruction and dust that wasn’t of our making.

I wonder whether like coercive control etc it might become a criminal offence to narcissistically abuse somebody one day? Although that sounds like a minefield, surely it would be like any crime. We report them with possible evidence, they see the damage that has been done to us, read our therapy notes, and then psychologically assess the Cockroach and see their narcissism.

All of us are living shrunken lives, struggling to get through life one way or another. We all have psychological damage. Other people living as victims of people get justice (at least some of the time) even if the person has a “personality disorder”, so why can’t we? In this modern world, why is narcissistic abuse allowed to slip through the net of justice when there is so much information and evidence of it happening now?

Yesterday I was feeling a bit more positive, today I just feel fucking angry that every one of us here have to live with this damage and pain and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it apart from to suck it up.

We can do something about it. We can have control over life going forward. No way am I shrinking my life for anyone anymore. We all get scars through life. Some people have accidents, some people loose limbs. I’m not saying that anyone is worse off. But I suppose it’s mindset. We have to live forward and carry these scars and find joy in absolutely any way possible. It is what it is and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change anything that has already happened. If we don’t find a way to let the anger go it spills into our life and starts to destroy all the good. These people have done enough, they don’t get to take the future even if it’s not the future we dreamed of and we have to navigate illness etc.

@VWSC3 exactly this. I keep being told by my therapist that people don't change (like my mother) because they don't have the capacity. I know how she means it. That they are too disordered to ever acknowledge any kind of shortcoming. But I don't like the language. I want her to say 'your mother that bitch is fucking sick in her head and what she did to you should be a crime and should be punished'.

Also, where was the benefit of the doubt FOR ME when I couldn't read my mother's fucking mind when I was a child and made 'mistakes'. I feel like I'm supposed to find acceptance for my mother's shit show when nobody and nothing will ever give me acceptance. I will not only never get justice but I will also continue to feel like a fucking alien in the world because I'm estranged and nobody I know is and therefore nobody understands and nobody can say the right thing.

@Twatalert thats exactly how I feel. It’s like we are supposed to use our empathy and compassion (that they used as a weapon to victimise us in the first place!) to accept they are “disordered”, bless them, and they can’t change, bless them and you can’t tell them who they are because of their fragile little egos, fucking bless them!!

But what about us?? Nobody has compassion for us - not the Narcs, not the ones joining in on the smear campaign, not the people who see us hide a bit from the world. We are just expected to suck up all of the changes that have been forced upon our lives, accept that we will never be the same again and try and navigate life broken with no justice.

@VWSC3 nail on the head. It screams of 'be the bigger person'.

Maybe I need to say to my therapist how I feel about these comments. Another thing she says is 'they can't acknowledge what they did because it would be too painful for them' (think she means its a protective mechanism).

So I'm only able to make changes and acknowledge my issues because it's not as painful? Really? Fuck. Those poor darlings.

No. I'm sick of it. I had to choose between killing myself or sorting myself out because I couldn't live with the implications of what they did to me. I couldn't. And they obviously didn't have to make that choice. They just live with their issues that don't seem to impact them enough to get ill or seek change. They just somehow live.

I don't know what this is. I don't like this part of therapy. I sometimes wonder if my therapist is estranged herself because she just gets it, but this part makes me think that maybe she isn't.

@VWSC3 what is the alternative? Hold on to all the anger and let it destroy what we have left of our lives? Or accept that this is who they are and move on, emotionally/ physically etc. It’s ok to look in the rear mirror briefly but if you stare in it for too long you will miss what’s happening in front of you (and probably crash and get hurt).

@Happyfarm it's not a switch that anyone makes in their head. You can't heal in your head. There is no point in telling yourself anything. It won't do anything. It's an emotional process and it's long and nasty.

This is acceptance. To surrender to the process is acceptance.

Ok. But it works for some so just a suggestion. I talk to myself all the time, I heal
in my head all the time. I tell myself that today we won’t go back down that way we will go forward this way and so do something nice. I stop myself from doing the same dance. I am my best friend in my head.

It reeks of CBT. I don't think it works. It's BS.

To heal from trauma you need to go back emotionally. You need to feel what needs feeling. There is a reason that it gets worse before it gets better.

There are no right or wrong ways to heal from anything. There comes a point (for me) where looking and rummaging around in my own memories becomes futile. What are we looking for? The simple answer is, they are disordered, everything that stems from this for me is now irrelevant. I am not disordered but picking through memories on repeat is doing a good job at making me one. We don’t get justice, we get potential future happy years. We do have to train our brain because it wants answers but it’s too complex and you could seek this for the rest of your life. When do we say that’s enough.

I think the problem for me is it’s not entirely in the past. The smear campaign is ongoing, they’ve never got bored of it, there are often flying monkeys making it their business to know my business even now and they’ve told me in the future they will “tell the kids the truth” about me - ie repeat the lies that they’ve successfully convinced everyone is true, so that they will also have other peoples backing. I don’t really feel like I have a future, and my present is also often made stressful by someone within their orbit.

It’s never ending, and we all know these Narcs are like immortal vampires, living forever and sucking the life force out of their chosen few. It’s never going to end, and having to accept that with my mouth firmly closed feels like being abused all over again in some ways.

I think I’m maybe not explaining myself well. We have because of our situation trained the emotional side of our brain so well that it is fully taking charge of the whole brain. The logical side is small. It works against us now, it’s out evolved what we need and it’s harming us. We have to start talking to the logical side of the brain and stop feeding our emotional monster. @VWSC3 logically you can make
your life better by moving. This part of the brain needs to start talking louder. This part now will save you and not the emotional side which is locking you in paralysis all the time.

You live in your head. Its the memories of the nervous system. I have no control over that. Precisely because I used to suppress them did I not sleep, have panic attacks and what not. They need to be processed. For everyone. Or they will forever bubble under the surface and fuck you over again and again. I don't want this anymore.

Accepting whatever is coming to the surface is actually a grand act. And it's hard and it's brave. And it has nothing to with picking through memories on repeat. Cptsd is exactly that. Your nervous system recalls memories on repeat until you fucking deal with them. It won't get fooled by 'today is a good day'. It's Mickey mouse therapy.

You don't seem to understand the body as a whole at all. Logic cannot beat emotions that come from trauma. It works for five seconds but it will catch up with you. All the old stuff needs to be dealt with.

I understand my body as a whole and just giving a perception. Connecting my logical and emotional brain has helped ME a great deal.