Shit men on dating apps.

[ThatAquaRobin]

Feel like giving up. I mean seriously what's the bloody point?
I'm 49. I have been chatting to what seemed like a smart intelligent guy (55) for the past week in Whatsapp. Met on bumble.
He checked out ok, one mutual Facebook friend.
We had set up a date for this evening 6.30 and the last message I had was around 8ish last night saying how he was looking forward to it.
Today he cancels at 1pm-ish saying "he's met someone else he likes and wanted to be honest"
Am I naive or is this the norm now?
Honestly I just want to cry
What's the point?

No I agree that I generally see more attractive women but some of those women look good with help, no man gets the same 'help', it's all him for everyone to see, no enhancing his facial features with makeup or tweaks. No hair additions. Not such great fashion awareness perhaps. And as for OLD trust me plenty men have scare stories of women not looking like their photos.

I met DP on tinder. But when I was on it and Bumble I was absolutely talking to more than one man at a time. And I went on dates with a number of men at the same time. And then when I met DP I had to message those I’d arranged to see and say the same, so I didn’t see the problem.

Among a bunch of men I work with - some single - some partnered: cats, blue hair, fat, crazy, sexless. They're all pretty misogynistic. The men I know who aren't don't have conversations about middle aged women generally.

Yes its not very nice is it. Fat seems to be a common insult used by both sexes though.

but men can do more if they want, as proven by gay men and men in places like London. The rest of them are lazy and think it doesn’t matter, then expect an attractive woman. And sometimes younger! It does matter to women.
It doesn’t matter if the level of help each sex has, it’s the end result that matters and a woman who presents really well shouldn’t have to settle for a man who doesn’t.

I’ve just watched interview with the vampire and even famous male actors don’t look better older.. Tom cruise, brad pitt and Antonio banderas were so beautiful in it

It comes from decades of persistent self-care, not an overnight solution only available to women, whatever that means. Women take better care of themselves from a young age. I am about to go on my first holiday with the guy I’m dating, we’re in our 30s, and he told me he doesn’t wear SPF because “there’s no history of skin cancer in my family” 😐 We’re literally going to be in the desert for 7 days. He also doesn’t drink enough water. Not that I’m a shrew or anything about these things (too early in the game for that 😅).

I see your point, but those actors would look good wearing an empty compost bag. Also, menswear is generally very very drab and finding something that isn't takes time, and confidence to wear.

That’s the trouble with OLD. It’s completely ruined dating. It started out a good idea in that you could meet people from all walks of life who you wouldn’t otherwise meet, but then it became mainstream and now people are so disposable because there’s too much choice. People won’t settle incase someone better comes along, so no- one ever meets anyone. They all want sex so women especially are too frightened to get attached only to get ghosted after they’ve slept together, or as someone else said they want to rush things into being serious within a week 🤣

As for the whole ‘numbers game’ thing, that’s just as bad because it’s a bit dehumanising really. I wasn’t one for chatting to multiple people at once when I was on the apps because I can’t keep up! It’s too much to try and flit between people. How are you supposed to get to know someone well if you’re trying to spin multiple plates at once? It defeats the object really. Also, you could meet someone, decide to keep dating, cancel your other dates and then it doesn’t end up working out regardless!!

Everybody has their own ways of doing things and I’m not saying any one way is right or wrong, but OLD is beyond useless these days, someone needs to come up with new ideas. I’m willing to bet it’s one of the reasons there’s so many single people these days and less babies being born, amongst other reasons, of course! It’s a sad state of affairs really. I’m mid thirties and I don’t expect to find a relationship again. I’ve come to terms with it but it wasn’t how I imagined my life.

I agree that first forays into OLD can be bruising, to put it mildly. From a man’s POV its much the same - sometimes you get ghosted for no apparent reason- other times (as happened to you) you find out they’re talking with half a dozen others at the same time. It’s not for the thin skinned….. But there are good people out there, just need to lower initial expectations: I’m older than you and do wonder if at my age my love life is already effectively over, and it’s depressing as hell. But hang in there, look for friends first, try not to emotionally invest early on, filter like mad! Stay fussy, stay picky, as we get older there’s more damaged goods and dross out there, but you’re worth investing in, right? So there are men out there in the same position. It can be a horrid game but just keep true to yourself. You’re still young!

I've read all sorts of horror stories but I can't see what this guy did wrong. He sounds pretty honest to me.

Maybe its because I'm not in a big city but gay men where I am dont look much different to straight. And down the gym I'd say it's more straight men working out looking good. And I also see a lot of women who have let themselves go over the years. Must be where I live.

Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt have had work done on their faces have they not? It doesn't work the same for men as it does for women.

See I prefer the more rugged look on a man. If a man is attractive he is attractive and a few wrinkles and lines doesnt change that and just gives him more character. I think maybe the younger generation of men spend more time on their looks as they seem to use more products and hair straighteners etc which the older generations of men find strange.

I don't mind rugged. Just with decent teeth and not overweight.
Next Saturday' date man did eventually reply to my text. I sent another breezy one back a few hours later.
Just trying to handle the right balance between now and next Sat morning.
Still half expecting him to bail.

Just don’t get invested at all before the date. Tell yourself you can take it or leave it. Develop good banter on texts.

Also, this will be unpopular, but I usually maintain a slightly flirty tone online before I meet them with a few (mildly) suggestive messages. Let’s face it, no one likes a dry texter and it keeps them interested until they can meet you in real life.

I very very rarely see attractive 50 plus men at the gym. Maybe because I’m 10 years younger (and not single) so I’m not actively looking. But I can’t even remember the last time I thought phwoar looking at an older guy! Off the top of my head I can think of a few women though who probably look the same if not better as they did when they were in their 20s (plus a few wrinkles etc). And yes I’m sure they must dye their hair and maybe have Botox I’ve no idea.

Lower initial expectations? Most people just want someone they get on with and fancy! Not sure that can be lowered 😂

I think the whole "Men can age like fine wine" has led them to believe they don't have to look after themselves.

Except that what they're doing is the equivalent of taking that bottle of wine and storing it in a rack next to hot oven in direct sunlight for 30 years.

well yeah... could have been a lovely bottle "to lay down and drink later"...but look after it like that and it's going to taste like vinegar.

(vs wrapping the bottle in brown paper to stop the light, keeping it stable, storing it in a temperature controlled room, turning it 45 degrees every few months or so etc )

Suggestive flirty messages to a person you’ve never met is a huge turn off and an instant unmatch imo.

And unfortunately many older men’s idea of being flirty comes across like Jay from the inbetweeners it’s just cringey!

Well I've already told him.ive had dates that have lasted an hour and dates that have lasted into over a day 🤭
He picked up my drift on that one.

A 50 plus woman looking the same or better than in her 20s, please chat to her, get her secrets and share them here 😊

its working out- hard! They would all be size 6 or 8 and toned. Like I say they don’t have the same face as a 20 year old (that would look odd!!) but all look really great still. I assume it’s hair dye/skin care mainly

No way I’m asking!!

I would say I look better now than I did in my 20s. I was overweight then and gawkish.
Now I do run, and I fixed my teeth (brace) in my late 20s.
I dye my hair blonde and get nails done.
I am lucky with my mum's genetics with facial ageing, and I'm a size 12-14. I'm aiming to lose another 7lbs but then stop because, well it's a choice between face and arse. Becoming skinny ages me and is not sustainable
Yes , probably also did look good early 30s but that's never coming back.
After a traumatic few years (divorce and life) I have pulled it back I hope.
Men my age, hmmm. Even the one I am supposed to be meeting next weekend has 5 year old pics.

Ah sorry I didnt realise you were talking about weight. Yes to get your body the same size as when you were younger would take a lot of work for some people.

A lot of people's appearance doesnt change much in 5 years so fingers crossed he wont look too different. Fingers crossed for you.

It’s a lot more than weight trust me 😂. It’s body shape and muscle tone. I thought you went to a gym?

but then hair can be dyed and skin/teeth looked after well. No one is wearing heavy makeup or Spanx and a wonderbra at the gym after all.

im not sure what else there is? Can you enlighten us?