Shit men on dating apps.

[ThatAquaRobin]

Feel like giving up. I mean seriously what's the bloody point?
I'm 49. I have been chatting to what seemed like a smart intelligent guy (55) for the past week in Whatsapp. Met on bumble.
He checked out ok, one mutual Facebook friend.
We had set up a date for this evening 6.30 and the last message I had was around 8ish last night saying how he was looking forward to it.
Today he cancels at 1pm-ish saying "he's met someone else he likes and wanted to be honest"
Am I naive or is this the norm now?
Honestly I just want to cry
What's the point?

Yep I would say split to about 6 / 12 months most are still pissed off and raw , 12 months onwards , it s time ti move on ,
bur it someone been married for say 10 years them 12 months is still pretty recently single

okay ?

Ok and how many months or years means someone falls into the 'long term single' bracket ?

If you've arranged an in-person meeting next weekend, I'm not sure what the issue is with the so-called "fade off"? Is there any reason to keep messaging when you're going to meet in person? Surely you'd have nothing to talk about if you just keep messaging all the time?

That’s London though, not representative of the UK
Plus a lot of the negativity is aimed at ones who go for younger women instead of their own age.

There’s been a lot of negativity aimed at men letting themselves go more than women, for instance. The lack of hair even mentioned several times, even though that’s driven from the genes and you can’t do anything about it.

In any case, no one has to choose their own age if they don’t want to and there’s a mutual agreement. Many women here have talked about going out with younger men as well.

For the OP, I’d recommend getting out more if the apps are not working.

So I am mid 40s and also live in London and whilst I agree that there are decent looking men in their 40s - I see them in the gym and work in the city so am surrounded by men, they are either married/in relationships or not on OLD or not interested in my age range since I could barely find anyone attractive in my age range when I ventured on OLD. Most men on OLD were in any event mostly married/barely separated.

I have been single and trying to date 5+ years and reached the same conclusion as OP that I am going to be single forever. My single friends in London - 30s and 40s- are in the same boat and have concluded the same. I think the only way to find anyone we are attracted to is to have an affair with someone at work or through work, which doesn’t sound appealing. So whilst it may sound like desperation it is the reality we have resigned ourselves to.
I was in Paris recently and the only attractive men I saw were part of couples - the visibly single men in their 40s/50s I ran into at the local coffee shop/bistro were well dressed but not remotely attractive.

I am not sure what you mean about negativity about men letting themselves go more than women. Some of us are just pointing out the indisputable fact that middle-aged women typically look more youthful than heterosexual middle-aged men, and this must be down to self-care because homosexual men also look comparatively youthful.

I‘m in my 50’s and socialise a lot in London. If there city is full of attractive men my age I’m obviously in the wrong places because I’m not seeing them.

They're so far and few between I can still remember setting eyes on a gorgeous older man in The Strand before lockdown - that’s how rare they are 🤣

Im very social, I go out with friends at least every other weekend and I can honestly say hand in heart, the women in my age group are generally FAR better presented than the men. Absolutely 💯

@SW10London I personally have not trashed middle aged men. My issue is with "some" guys on OLD. For my age group, that would be middle aged men. The same is probay true of (middle or any age) women. OLD seems disposable.

The challenge is how to filter out timewasters and find genuine people looking for a connection. That takes emotional, financial and time investment.

It can make OLDs battle weary

@TwistedWonder - I think we have both made the same observations on the general dating thread. The only really attractive men in my age range I meet IRL seem to be all gay - this recently happened with someone new at work and at a work event I attended the only fit gorgeous man was also gay.

They might potentially look more youthful but I'm afraid I think women get the rough end of the stick with aging, men tend to become more distinguished. Women might look better with the help of make up, tweakments, hair dye, hair itself! Bras, the list goes on.

"with aging, men tend to become more distinguished"
Hahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not the ones on OLD

Sometimes men can look better older than they did younger but far more women do due to effort made. Most older men look tubby, bald and ruddy skinned

Agree. There are a few attractive well groomed older men but most of the single ones either look like a potato or Dobby

There are far far more well presented older single women than men out there

I'm not usually a fan of 'how to date' guides - I actively despise most of them - but I am quite impressed by Jennie Young's Burned Haystack method.

It boils down to:

1. Don't be 'nice' in your profile, be direct and honest.
2. Bin anyone who sets off the tiniest alarm.
3. Bin any and all signs of red flags.

She runs a Facebook group and an Instagram page, and presumably has books.

Her articles all seem to be paywalled, which is why I'm linking this badly-formatted Reddit post. It's the text of one of her most explanatory articles.

Disclaimer: I am not dating! If I were, though, I'd be following Jennie Young's advice.

https://www.reddit.com/r/WomenDatingOverForty/comments/15tq8jg/smile_from_the_devil_a_womens_guide_to_reading/

Or he was chatting to a few women and when he liked one quite a bit he communicated to others that he was pursuing something with someone else.

With OLD it’s foolish to have only one chat going at a time as many don’t pan out. Once he met someone nice he did the right thing and let others know.

if that one doesn’t go anywhere and he pops back up then that’s no insult. He is doing it the right and polite way.

it would be awful if he met someone nice then still carried on meeting up with others.

I wonder what men say about middle aged women though. I dont agree about the effort. Women have more options available to them to alter their appearance. If a man did this he would get ribbed, or potentially be homosexual.

Yeah OLD is full of the odds and ends 😆

Gay men make far more effort and they look great, straight men should too.
And yes women have more tools available, so what.. they generally present better. And we can only compare what we are presented with.
They might say allsorts but the point is far more women make more effort.

Yep and missing teeth which they don’t feel the need to replace! Dobby 😂😂

It's too much of a generalisation though. Gay men look good, well some do and only if your into a well groomed polished look if that's what your meaning.

You don't know what someone really looks like until they are in the buff. Imagine the first time your going to have sex with a man and he's wearing spanx or moob dehancers 😆 women might look more put together but like I say once we are all in the buff that's when it becomes more equal.

I’m also 49 & it’s a nightmare trying to meet someone geuine/ attractive..
I might chat to a few to begin with, & then I’ll concentrate on one , that’s who I’ll organise a date with then & won’t be chatting to others until I see how that goes ..
Men are different, they could be chatting to a few & organising dates with a few 🙄..
Have to agree with you though , on line can be a pain !

Dear god, having seen some of the men on OLD from a friend about 5 years ago (and she was looking 35-45 so not even 50 plus!) but to even have to think about them in the buff, let alone they might consider themselves ‘equal’. Shudder!!!

True, I guess they expect it now though! Luckily no-ones been any less keen once I take my Spanx off 🤣

anyway we’ll just have to agree to disagree, I see far more better looking women than men but maybe we move in different worlds.

I will make the contentious remark that Londoners tend to look after themselves relatively well compared to other places, even though their dress standards have declined!