Should my wife support me on this?

[OzzyGrandad]

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

Yes, she is still the adept one, because you lost any moral high ground you may have clung to when you ‘had it out with him’ two weeks after the initial incident and ‘called him the same thing he’d called me’.

Rather different from your previous portrayal of the one who was calm and merely sent a text asking for an apology.

Your poor wife has, I suspect, said ‘yes dear’ and will continue to be friendly (I bet she’s merely courteous but you feel so very aggrieved that you would read anything as too friendly).

The very definition of a pyrrhic victory.

I dont always support my partners actions and if I feel he's been an idiot, I tell him. I will not bow down to him just to massage his ego. You've essentially abused your wife

Hahaha I just read through Ozzi's posts again. He bangs on doggedly, post after post, insisting that verbal abuse is very bad and then he tells us, somewhat after the fact, that he himself told the father to "F off, D head":

"As a part of "Having it out" I told him to F Off D Head, the very words he said to me. He threatened me with violence."

And now he implies that a PP is also a D Head, and then calls another "insignificant".

This guy is hilarious! His lack of self-awareness and his pomposity are epochal 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Someone should send Ricky Gervais this thread, he could probably do Ozzi to a T. The 90% of people who know someone like Ozzi will watch and go, "Yup, that's him, couldn't make it up" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

There’s a kind of dogged crudeness and one-dimensionality to your posts that is fascinating. Do you have a mode of relating to other people that is not either brow-beating people who disagree with you, or a visibly fragile, tit for tat masculinity? You sound terribly frightened underneath it all, OP. Some therapy would help if you would only have the humility and open-mindedness to engage with it, and to allow the scared little boy inside you to emerge. It would be interesting to think who modelled this mode of fragile, angry masculinity for you as a child … Also, an adult who has not fully grown up, and who cannot manage his own fear and anger, is no safe role model for a four year old growing up up with no parents.

👏

Then don't respond if you don't get it. Because your response is rubbish.

But not for the dad right? He can just get away with a tirade of verbal abuse?

FFS, why so many responses here support this abuse makes my brain addled and scares the shit out of me that this is the world we live in.

I'm only holding him to his own standards.
I'm so sorry for scaring the shit out of you. Shall prepare myself for consequences asap.

I don't think it's necessarily people supporting the abuse. I think it's more the poster hasn't let it go and has also brought it up numerous times over the month. He could have accepted he wasn't getting an apology but he hasn't and now he's forced his wife to think he's right and is 100% proud of it.

Ok, so you and your wife will now be cordial rather than friendly. I suspect he either won't notice or won't give a shiny shit. Either way, he almost certainly won't apologise. Ever. So what will you do?

Wow, I find it bizarre that people actually think its acceptable for this man's son in law to be verbally abusive towards him, in front of a whole group of people just because he started eating a little early (after asking his daughters mil first) and to then call him a d h in text later. If someone did this to my DH, I would absolutely stand by him and make it clear that was unacceptable. OP, you aren't wrong to expect your wife to have your back and your son in law was wrong to speak to you that way in front of everyone and swear later. He could have asked politely that you wait when eating or spoken to you alone later if he was that upset. I would never feel entitled to speak to someone that way because they started eating early (after being told it was ok)

For me is wild the way you are vilified here. You made a mistake by starting eating and you acknowledged that. The abuse you received at the dinner table and then here saying wife should divorce you is ridiculous. No adult should abuse another especially in a family setting, you did wrong maybe (I wouldn't give a shit honestly) and then to be told "f off dhead" when you tried to set your boundaries what the hell who talks like that with family. You should have posted as a female, you would have had very different answers.

Bad manners my sweet and verbal abuse are not the same standard.

Oh I'm sorry did you miss the bit where he "had it out with him"? Perhaps read the whole thread before telling people off?

And I would never ever allow anyone to talk to my husband like that, may them be my own parents. The moment someone disrespects my husband I get up and leave. If i need to pick a bone with him I do it at home in private but in front of others is me and him and the rest of the world. So yes, wife should stand by you.

"wife should stand by you."

Sure, but Ozzi here then went and escalated the situation by "having it out" with the father, telling him to eff of and calling him a dickhead. Now, 5 months later, he's still stewing in his wounded pride and has escalated the matter further by threatening to divorce his wife.

Meanwhile, the wife, who is not young (65), is trying to keep things together for her GS while this blowhard pummels her into supporting his idiotic, embarrassing, self-absorbed, and destructive behavior.

This is NOT a reasonable man. He should not be encouraged in his self-pity.

Read more carefully. That poster is merely pointing out that more than one person can operate this ‘Cooperate or There Will Be Consequences’ mode of behaviour. In which case we’re left with a stalemate — two men shouting ‘I’m more alpha than you’ at one another.

An apology for abuse is the right thing to do, is it not? - Well, Is it not?
I want an apology so that I can respect him as a friend again. How do you respect someone who has done that to you & refuses to apologize. If he refuses, so what, I don't need him to be my friend, my obligation (decision really) is to allow him access to his son. That's it.
As a part of "Having it out" I told him to F Off D Head, the very words he said to me. He threatened me with violence.
I honestly do not care if he apologizes or not. I would prefer he does because then I will respect him again. Right now I have contempt for him & can in no way be friends. My wife agrees.

Considering that you don't care if he apologises or not, you have made a big deal of this, and dragged it out for 5 months.
You have mirrored his behaviour in terms of verbal abuse with your own name calling a few weeks later, and you have held onto this grudge, and won't let it go, like a dog with a bone.

You also said you are 100% right. And your wife agrees.
So are you the type of gent who thinks that, if he's right, then he's right, but if he's in the wrong, then he is also right?

You say you want an apology, but then say you don't care. Then did this word salad and thread on mumsnet, and you've had lots of attention from this, but now I am done.

This is the most hypocritical, eristic, petulant thread i have read in a while.
You sound like you like to be the main man and the one in control.
You can not control this man's responses. You can only control your own behaviour. And my word, you have done a poor job at controlling yourself.

You would make a fantastic politician, as their mantra is 'do as I say, but not as I do'
You seem justified in behaving in the same manner with the same language in retaliation to this man, yet it is still not enough.
You want your pound of flesh from this man, and you need to accept that you will not get it.

Grow up, move on, be the bigger person and let it go. For your own sake as well as your wife's.
Show you GS that the bigger person walks away, and he doesn't go around and around in circles, like a broken record, until he everyone gives him his own way just to placate you, for a bit of peace.
Those tactics of a broken record, and grinding down may have worked on your wife, but they will not work on that man.
So accept that those methods dont work and change tactics, and emulate how a grown up gent behaves, which is to rise above it and be the better man - and show this to your GS. Instead of holding a grudge that may never be resolved.

Otherwise, you will be stuck and you will only stay on the merry-go-round of all this drama that you have dragged on and on, all for the sake of an apology that will never come.

You can't seem to answer the question directly, but it appears that you think that if you are abused then "Be the bigger man & walk away". You can take that cowardly approach if you wish, but I prefer to have the abuser face the consequences. In the heated "Having it out " I was using his words to emphasis to him how horrible it is. He then threatened violence. Once again, you avoid that part of the story. Why? I do believe that I am 100% right & it is a lesson I will teach my GS when he is older. Do not allow people to abuse you. Call them out, make them accountable & make them face the consequences.

Did you not read this part?
She was there, she saw what happened, she agreed that I did nothing wrong & agreed that the fathers reaction was uncalled for.
We essentially had a discussion where she agreed to my course of action, to make him face consequences & not act that though what he did is fine. You call that abuse, but have nothing to say about the fathers abuse. Unbelievable.

It’s appalling manners to sit at the table and start eating before everyone is at the very least seated.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a display. Did you fill your glass right up to the top with wine too?

Not sure about the wine but he carved the meat in someone else's home

Brow beating - intimidate (someone), typically into doing something, with stern or abusive words. Really?
Show ne where I have been brow beating. I have not attacked anyone's character. (except once, for which I apologized). Many people (including you) have attacked my character, "Frightened, weak, toxic male" to name a few. I have merely defended my opinion that abusers need to be held accountable. Your hypocrisy is nauseating..

The text was sent the day after dinner, it was calm, I simply asked for an apology, and told him that I would not tolerate that in the future.

I had it out with him a week or 2 later. Two entirely different scenario's.
How did I lose the moral ground by repeating his own words to him, to let him know how wrong it is to do that? He then lost the moral ground by threatening violence towards me.
You might allow people to abuse you & smile as if nothing happened, but that is cowardly & sends a message to the abuser that he can abuse you at will.
He needs to be called out be be held accountable for abusing another person. Full stop.

I don’t think you were verbally abused, Ozzy. He called you names, he expressed contempt and was insulting, absolutely. But verbally abused you? Good grief