Should my wife support me on this?

[OzzyGrandad]

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

What consequences?
That we are no longer at risk of the father verbally abusing one of us in front of GS as he has demonstrated that he is capable of?
I am very happy that I convinced my wife to do this, (or won) as you put it.
The GS has access to his father & will make his own mind up as to what sort of person he is. We do not need the father in our lives, but we will not deny my GS his right to see his father.
The GS will witness us being cordial to his father. God knows what he witnesses at his fathers house. Actually, the father's mother (who we continue to have a friendly relationship with), has expressed her concern that he watches UFC & other child inappropriate TV programs with GS. I will be having a word to the father about this next time I see him. (Cordially of course).

The incident happened at Christmas, I saw the father a week or 2 later. I had it out with him, he would not apologize, he actually threatened to assault me after I called him the same thing that he had called me, (he's 30, I'm 68) but eventually he said "It would not happen again". This was enough for my wife to forgive & forget & carry on as usual. For me it was enough to stop me from removing him from our lives altogether.

1. So you called him names back..... (verbal abuse on your side now)
2. He said it would not happen again. (Non apology, but it could have been ended there and then)
3. The father cannot treat people like that without consequence.

There were consequences. You have dragged it out for 6 months and kept him at arms length.

Yet you didn't drop it?
You blokes both sound as bad as each other with your fragile egos.
Jeez. You both need to grow up and MOVE ON.
This is tit for tat to the extreme!

You have MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME. Please Google it.
Your wife deserves a medal.

You are right, this is a must win at all costs. I am glad I convinced my wife of the right thing to do, which is to have him face the consequences of being abusive in front of GS & family. "Taking the other side", his side, is condoning his behavior, & exposing ourselves to such behavior in future. No thanks. The consequences he faces is our denial of friendship and trust towards him. Not devastating but necessary. We will be cordial, & open to forgiveness, if he can do the right thing and apologize. Is my wife still the adept one?

If you're concerned about your grandsons wellbeing why aren't you going to social services or the courts to formalize the arrangement and protect him?

We will be cordial, & open to forgiveness, if he can do the right thing and apologize.

THIS is basically the crux of it.
You dragging this out with word salad, and have ground your wife down in the end, to see your POV.....

When the simple fact of all of this is.... you are just sweating on this man's apology.

You basically want him to utter the word 'sorry' but he hasn't done so and it will probably never come.
So you have keep a bee in your bonnet for 6 months, for a 5 letter word that won't materialise?!
Despite the fact that you also verbally abused him back a couple weeks later and he said "it would not happen again."

Wow.
Petulance at its finest.

I have not had any concerns of any substance until recently, (during the discussions with my wife, she mentioned to me what the MIL told her).
We have not felt the need to involve Govt bureaucracy.

So you already have concerns about the child in his care, you find the man so unpleasant you won't let your wife make him coffee yet you think "having a word" will help?
I'm searching high and low for the logic but it's nowhere to be seen.

An apology for abuse is the right thing to do, is it not? - Well, Is it not?
I want an apology so that I can respect him as a friend again. How do you respect someone who has done that to you & refuses to apologize. If he refuses, so what, I don't need him to be my friend, my obligation (decision really) is to allow him access to his son. That's it.
As a part of "Having it out" I told him to F Off D Head, the very words he said to me. He threatened me with violence.
I honestly do not care if he apologizes or not. I would prefer he does because then I will respect him again. Right now I have contempt for him & can in no way be friends. My wife agrees.

I don't get the impression he cares much about your friendship

I feel very sorry for the poor child, who has no positive male role model and is being taught "respect" as a street value justifying violence.
He's not being given a chance.

I am a positive role model.
The father, who is abusive, to the extent of threatening violence is not.
I don't know what you mean by "being taught "respect" as a street value justifying violence", but I will teach him that you do not abuse anyone, & that you defend yourself & others who are subject to abuse.
He will grow to be a fine young man if he can avoid the bad influence of his father & listen to my words of wisdom.

"He will grow to be a fine young man if he can avoid the bad influence of his father & listen to my words of wisdom."

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Oh my god, do you seriously posit yourself as being wise?! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I'd think my leg is being pulled by a troll but unfortunately I know men just like you.

But you essentially bullied your wife into agreeing with you by grinding her down….thats extremely contradictory is it not?

Abuse comes in many forms, a form of abuse such as emotional abuse.

Even looking at your responses on here. You are right and that’s the end. Anyone dare say something back you slap back with ‘Wrong’ or ‘is it not’ you need to get over it because this man does not hold the same values as your outdated ones clearly and doesn’t care about the relationship being mended 🤷🏼‍♀️

@OzzyGrandad
“She initially said what many are saying on this forum, "Let it go, forget about it", (which I have tried) but I don't think that is the right thing to do”

Why not? Why all the drama? Why the “I want an apology so I can respect him as a friend again”. (Note the “I”s in that sentence.). He certainly won’t respect you, as a friend or otherwise. As for “I am a positive role model” - dear me, I just hope your DW teaches him that sometimes, being able to forgive and forget, and not insisting on having the last word over four months after something has happened (that wouldn’t have happened if you had had any manners in someone else’s house) is the grown up way to behave.

Right!! Even in messages he’s coming across as a narcissist!!

We get the picture he called you out on your rude behaviour. I feel so sorry for your wife being married to you. I think you should have divorced her so she can get away from you. Bully

Every sentence is 'verbally abused' get over yourself

Ozzi, you can't see the big picture here because you're blinded by your gigantic blowhard ego and your unbelievable self-important pomposity.

You have behaved and continue to behave in an utterly undignified manner.

You are NOT a good role model for a lad.

You were verbally abused because you behaved appallingly. Are you one of these people who won’t own up to their mistakes? Someone who likes to deflect from their own poor behaviour onto others?
You're the one at fault. You’re the one who needs to apologise.

Look you weren't treated well, granted, but making such a song and dance about something that happened five months ago and now trying to control your wife's actions are a massive over reaction.

move forward. Life is short. Your grandson deserves harmony.

You're just lying now. This contradicts the information in your previous posts. If this were the truth, there wouldn't have been an issue in the first place. You were selfish and greedy and started eating, but now you want to just portray yourself as selfless and helpful to the host and everyone else. It's absolute nonsense.

We had a frank & thorough discussion, thankfully I did convince her to do the right thing. I am right, 100% right. The father cannot abuse people without consequence. His values do not align with mine therefore we cannot be friends. Since when did standing up to abuse become outdated.

It doesn't contradict the earlier posts. Try reading them.

Why not? I do not want to be friends with an abuser. I don't respect him. I am more than willing to forgive & forget, if he can admit what he has done, accept responsibility for it, and apologize. I will not risk the same thing happening to one of us again.

Called out my rude behavior? Had I been rude (which I wasn't) & he tactfully made me aware of it, I would not have had a problem. I'll tell you what being rude is. Calling someone an ignorant prick, & telling them to F Off D Head is rude. Actually, what he said to me describes you, to a tee.