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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should my wife support me on this?

555 replies

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 07:19

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 10/05/2025 07:56

Yes you were rude to start eating but it's not the crime if the century, to shame a guest is in my opinion much worse.

I just wouldn't go to theirs again and let your wife get on with the lifts in the way she sees fit.

Utterlyincandescently · 10/05/2025 07:56

Hilarious. I'm sure your wife is mortified by your behaviour though.

londongirl12 · 10/05/2025 07:57

Have you apologised?????

BigKnickersSize18 · 10/05/2025 08:00

Yes the OP was rude and ridiculous but not abusive. Why is everyone thinking the brother in law is ok and making excuses for him though? His behaviour was also disgraceful.

rommymummy · 10/05/2025 08:03

Perhaps your wife doesn’t want to be involved as she doesn’t want a rift and potentially have less contact with grandson etc. I don’t think the in laws son will apologise so got to move on from it.

I would also not be happy with my DH being verbally abused, there’s no need for that as the first response just for table manners, I also would have told him to not start eating. Not that it’s her job but if my DH is doing something wrong around family I would tell him, but my family are not nasty either.

Whybother618 · 10/05/2025 08:06

It was a pathetically minor issue that was dealt with poorly by the son. For your wife to then not offer to support you is poor form. I’d leave her and find a new partner and extended family who are more pleasant to be around. Life is too short to be with people who are not on your side.

EllasNonny · 10/05/2025 08:06

Why have you not apologised and cleared the air since Christmas?

Original poster
OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 08:07

Not sure of the format here but I am replying to IButtleSir. My wife & I are the full time carers of our grandson. (Our daughter is incapable)The person who verbally abused me is the father of my grandson. We give him & his mother custody of our 4 year old grandson at the weekends. We spent Christmas at the in his mothers house since he was born. (Just to help clear it up).
Had the son politely admonished me for my error, I would have been fine, but the verbal abuse & belittling that he subjected me to in front of everyone was beyond acceptable. Many of them have agreed that it was not acceptable.

OP posts:
OrangeCrushes · 10/05/2025 08:08

This story is unhinged.

You were rude but it's also rude to verbally abuse someone (and over praying???? Doesn't sound very Christian).

However, you are being unreasonable to expect your wife to fall in line. She is reasonable to want to stay out of this immature feud.

IButtleSir · 10/05/2025 08:09

Whybother618 · 10/05/2025 08:06

It was a pathetically minor issue that was dealt with poorly by the son. For your wife to then not offer to support you is poor form. I’d leave her and find a new partner and extended family who are more pleasant to be around. Life is too short to be with people who are not on your side.

Are you the OP's wife trying to get him to leave you?

sesquipedalian · 10/05/2025 08:09

Why did you ask if it would be OK to start eating when the people doing the cooking and table setting hadn’t even finished bringing everything to the table? Your MIL was put in an invidious position - what could she say to you, when you’re sitting there with cutlery poised and asking if it’s OK to start other than “yes”? Your BIL “aggressively berated you about your bad manners” - was it aggressive or was that just your interpretation because you were feeling uncomfortable and realised you had been rude? If you’d texted me and said you would “not tolerate verbal abuse”, I might have replied to the effect that I was surprised by your lack of manners and utter lack of consideration for those preparing the dinner. Christmas dinner is a big undertaking, and you were frankly rude and entitled, just hoeing in before others were even seated, or the food had all been brought to the table. I assume the son of the MIL is your wife’s brother (your post is a little hard to follow) - you can’t expect her to be cold towards her family because you were rude, and then expected an apology for having been picked up on your rudeness. You are making this whole thing into something it isn’t - just forget it and move in, especially if you have any hope of ever being invited there again.

stayathomer · 10/05/2025 08:10

You admitted it wasn’t great for you to start eating, but I’d say the bigger deal was that you bothered contacting an angry asshole telling him he was wrong again? I can’t believe your question is about your wife!!

EllasNonny · 10/05/2025 08:11

Are you threatening to withhold his son?

ARichtGoodDram · 10/05/2025 08:12

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 08:07

Not sure of the format here but I am replying to IButtleSir. My wife & I are the full time carers of our grandson. (Our daughter is incapable)The person who verbally abused me is the father of my grandson. We give him & his mother custody of our 4 year old grandson at the weekends. We spent Christmas at the in his mothers house since he was born. (Just to help clear it up).
Had the son politely admonished me for my error, I would have been fine, but the verbal abuse & belittling that he subjected me to in front of everyone was beyond acceptable. Many of them have agreed that it was not acceptable.

That just makes your wife's position more obvious.

You were rude to your Grandson's other grandparent. She's not going to cause more trouble with your Grandson's father just because you're offended.

SunshineAndFizz · 10/05/2025 08:13

This is wild. You acted like a knob, were called out on it, proceeded to tell him that he’s in the wrong and then upset that your wife doesn’t also act like a knob 😂

Lifeisinteresting · 10/05/2025 08:13

How about you just take it for what it is. You were rude, he's overreacted to you being rude and become the rude one. And just leave it at that, you're not in high school.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 10/05/2025 08:14

You realise the impact this could have on your grandson?

What's more important? Your grandson, or carrying on a petty argument from months ago?

Croquembouchiere · 10/05/2025 08:15

You were rude to ask to start eating I think. But honestly, ranting at a guest and then sending him an abusive text is such bad manners, your rudeness pales in comparison.

But now you're trying to give him the cold shoulder and making your wife do the same. That's so stupid. He's your son? You can't ice him out. So immature and evasive. You need to discuss it with him and not be weaselly about punishing him

LondonPapa · 10/05/2025 08:16

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 08:07

Not sure of the format here but I am replying to IButtleSir. My wife & I are the full time carers of our grandson. (Our daughter is incapable)The person who verbally abused me is the father of my grandson. We give him & his mother custody of our 4 year old grandson at the weekends. We spent Christmas at the in his mothers house since he was born. (Just to help clear it up).
Had the son politely admonished me for my error, I would have been fine, but the verbal abuse & belittling that he subjected me to in front of everyone was beyond acceptable. Many of them have agreed that it was not acceptable.

He may not have been acceptable in his verbal lashing but you sat down, and started eating the Christmas meal without anyone. You’re 100% in the wrong. Stop being a baby and apologise.

Coconutter24 · 10/05/2025 08:18

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 07:41

It seems many people think it is ok to aggressively verbally abuse someone who made a mistake, and that his wife should support the abuser. If someone verbally abused my wife that way, I would support her to the hilt.

Did you apologise for this mistake or just say you was told it’s ok? It’s rude to begin eating, everyone normally waits until everyone has their food. You shouldn’t ask if you can start, if the host tells everyone to get started that’s different. The son shouldn’t have started verbally abusing you over this, he should have just said he would like to say grace and you could put your knife and fork down. Did you put them down when you knew why he was annoyed? Your wife wasn’t wrong to not carry this on the next time you both saw him.
You also say a Christmas dinner…. Was this a very late Christmas dinner that happened recently or did this actually happen in December and your still stewing over it?

tara66 · 10/05/2025 08:20

Why does your wife drop GS at this man's house and he returns child to you every week? Is he doing you or your family a favour doing this?? How can your DW and GC go there if your wife is off hand with him because of you/? Why don't you take the child and be ''unfriendly' 'if that's what you want? Don't put it on your wife keep up a frosty relationship .You should take the child or the child perhaps just should not go if you dislike this man so much.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 10/05/2025 08:20

You are all in what sounds like a very difficult situation, but what are you doing to your poor grandson by falling out with his dad in this way? There must be a lot more history to all of this, but how about you be the bigger person and apologise to your son in law and his mother? Don't, for goodness sake, make it conditional on him apologising back.

We don't know all the ins and outs but I'd be appalled if someone wanted to tuck in to the Christmas dinner before everyone was seated. If there'd been a problem causing a delay I'd have asked could I help with anything.

TheAmusedQuail · 10/05/2025 08:22

To be honest, you sound like a pair of D heads. Both want to be right. Both prepared to cause huge family arguments.

I'd be like your wife. Keeping things calm and polite. The son isn't close family. It isn't up to her (or you) to police how he behaves. If you don't want to be around him, don't.

Major life lesson here. The only person in life that we can change is ourself. No one else. Not your wife, not your MiL's son. Trying to control others is a waste of time.

Original poster
OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 08:22

Relying to sesquipedalian. I was not sitting there with cutlery in hand. Everything was set & almost ready to go. The dinner was getting cold, our family does not say grace & neither did this family in the previous years. This year there was someone in attendance who was religious, so I presume this is why they decided to do it this year. The MIL could have quite easily said we are going to say grace so could you please wait, but I don't think she knew that the son was going to say grace, so she said yes, "get stuck in". My issue is with how the son treated me that day, extremely disrespectfully.

OP posts:
GoingToGraceland · 10/05/2025 08:24

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 07:41

It seems many people think it is ok to aggressively verbally abuse someone who made a mistake, and that his wife should support the abuser. If someone verbally abused my wife that way, I would support her to the hilt.

I agree. So weird posters think that starting to eat before others, after asking the host if it's ok, should warrant a tirade of abuse and a foul text. But that's MN for you - you're a man and did something that at most deserved a raised eyebrow, but in MN land you are outrageous and beyond redemption.

Not good manners to start eating, I admit, but his reaction is so of the scale as to appear demented. Also as he wanted to say grace, I presume he sees himself as Christian? Not a terribly Christian response was it?