Should my wife support me on this?

[OzzyGrandad]

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

How would you describe "You rude, ignorant prick, F Off D Head? "
Not verbal abuse, then what? I'm waiting.

You're very happy to redirect those words to anyone who crosses you, so are you aware you are by your own description perpetrator of verbal abuse?

The father cannot be allowed to get away with verbally abusing people. He must face consequences. IE he loses our friendship & respect. I will not pretend to be friendly with him. I will not give him the chance to perhaps do the same to my wife. He must understand that what he did is wrong. That is the important part, not being nice for his sake. The GS will see me treat him cordially as I treat every one else.

If it's such a terrible thing to say, why would you say it right back?

Ate you always this belligerent?

To go right back to the inciting incident, it never occurred to you that a normal, polite response to seeing women putting the final touches to a Christmas meal is not to get tired of waiting, note the meat is getting cold and ask if you can dig in, but to help out, meaning everyone can sit down together and start to eat, with or without grace?

That it’s less to do with some all-male wrangle about saying grace or carving, than about someone who appears to be very ready to overlook women’s work, whether that’s cooking on Christmas Day, your wife trying to preserve a civil relation between you two cavemen for the sake of her grandson, or the many women on here whose sensible, child-centred advice you keep belligerently ignoring?

I notice that you never mention your daughter. Is it only men who count in your caveman world?

In the original post I gave a brief description. In later post's I gave a more detailed account about actual relationships & what happened at dinner.
After noticing the roast was getting cold & asking the host if we can start, after carving up the meat most people had sat down except the father. I don't recall if I was the first to actually start eating, I probably was. I presume he did not hear his mother say that it was OK to start, coupled with having a new religious friend in attendance & his desire to say grace is what I presume caused his anger. Nonetheless, you choose to call me a liar, well, even if I had simply sat down on my own, ignored everyone else & started eating, this would warrant a polite, "excuse me, do you mind waiting until we have said grace before you start". Or something similar. This would have been suffice to embarrass me and i would take it on the chin & learn the lesson. Do you think it is ok to belittle & humiliate someone at a family dinner?

I am right, 100% right

Then why did you post here?

In this whole thread I have not verbally abused anyone. In one post, I did say that the poster could be described using those words. So, you have a point, that is close to the bone, however they don't know me, I don't know them, we are not at a family gathering and their post was rather rude, & ignorant.

I should not have said that & I sincerely apologize.

While I agree your Grandsons dad shouldn’t have spoken to you like he did (it doesn’t sound a very merry Christmas for your Grandson!), I think you sound as bad as each other - you even said it back to him to prove a point. You both sound stubborn and pig-headed, determined to have the last word and ‘win’.

You should try and move forward and if he ever shouts at you again then come down hard.

The model you are showing your Grandson if he notices is to hold a grudge. As he gets older and pushes back as many teenagers do, this grudge might come back to bite you.

Im not saying you should have to tolerate abuse though. If this is a pattern of him speaking to you in this manner then you are absolutely doing the right thing. If it was just a one off at Christmas (which I assume otherwise you would have added more examples)then I think you should let it go.

Which to add is abuse btw!!! So you and GS dad sound like 2 peas in a pod.

absolutely stick up for yourself and abuse but then to say in the same sentence you are doing the same thing is laughable!

Ok to dish it but can’t take it 🤷🏼‍♀️

To be honest @OzzyGrandad ,I don't believe a word you say.

To him?

I notice you didn't answer the question. Is it verbal abuse or not?
You do have a point about helping with the finishing touches. I don't recall what they were exactly, but I thought I was helping by carving the roast. but you are making up your own version, "tired of waiting" "ask to dig in".
Presuming you agree that the father verbally abused me, what is civil about that, and why try to preserve such a relationship?
I will ignore any advice that relates to "forget about it, or ignore it & move on" . He will face the consequences of his verbal abuse, and that is the loss of our respect & friendship until such a time that he realizes he was wrong, makes amends & apologizes. Now, you might like to answer my question instead of making up your own version of events. Is it verbal abuse or not?

You were a bit rude to ask to start eating before everyone was seated but your grandson’s father was much more rude and I agree with you that he was verbally abusive. Nevertheless for the sake of your grandson and everyone else involved I would let it go and keep a cordial relationship with him. You don’t have to be best buddies but be a bit more than merely civil. You’re being a bit rigid about it, try to rise above it. Is your daughter aware of all this, how much does she understand and what does she think? The other guy does sound pretty horrible. Does your grandson benefit from the contact, does the other Gran get involved with the child?

You've had a good laugh, OP, and I've enjoyed reading the comments, but honestly, it's a miracle this thread is still here.

Her mental disorder is enough to be classified as disabled & to receive Govt assistance, but she is free to live her life in her own home & make many of her own decisions. After 2 years of Govt guardianship & 1 year of my wife's guardianship, I am now the guardian responsible for her financial & health decisions. She chose to have sex with the father, I met him & he seemed like a nice bloke, though understandably he did not want to marry my daughter. Fair enough. I was happy & still am happy that he has taken an interest in his son. After 4 happy years, we have now had in incident which has affected our relationship, he needs to be held accountable for his actions, those consequences are the loss of our respect & friendship. We will remain cordial until such a time as he makes amends. I hope this gives you a clearer picture of the situation.

Because he's rude. It's his way or the highway. Like I said, his poor wife. I think he has form for his rudeness and behaviour and doesn't like being called out. He's held onto this pettiness for 5 months. My 11 year old is more mature than this guy. I hope his wife wakes up and does the right thing. Oops probably shouldn't say that, he may think I'm 'verbally abusing' his wife.

And FYI OP I'm sure you've been called a lot worse in your life than a dickhead I know i have, just get over it

Now why should I apologize to him Digdongdo?

You need to apologize or else consequences. I thought that's how it works??

It has been an interesting experience. One that I have never done before.
What I have learned is to give a detailed description of events from the very beginning, otherwise people begin to make up their own versions of what they think happened. The main reason I posted was that I didn't understand why my wife was not fully supportive of me from the start. She was there, she saw what happened, she agreed that I did nothing wrong & agreed that the fathers reaction was uncalled for. She did not want to jeopardize family relations & so chose to ignore what happened. My question to the forum was "Should she have supported me?" or something along those lines. I tried to do it her way, but eventually my conscience said no, he needs to be made accountable for his actions. Fortunately, my wife has agreed. I don't care one little bit that you choose to be rude to me, whilst spouting about good manners because you are insignificant.