Can I ask you, if you grew up with an absent mother...?

[Reonie]

...How are you now?

My mum left the family when we were both under 10, and though I do still have some contact with her, obviously it's been so hard in various ways. I find there is a lot of talk about absent fathers, since that's the norm when a family breaks up. And when it comes to absent mothers, it's mainly focused on narcissists. I would love to have therapy but I genuinely don't think a therapist would be able to understand.

My mum's not a narcissist, she's just not at all up to the job of being a mum. She was a very young mother and my dad's a challenging character. Still, she made some poor decisions when we were young (eg to move to an entirely different bit of the country) and I find it hard to understand that.

It's really hard to find anyone who's had a similar background. If this is you, then do you think you're ok? I think I am mostly ok, I just carry this sadness all the time, and presume I always will.

I could have written this.
I grieve for the girl/woman I could have been. I feel like I’ve lived a stunted life and to be honest the bitterness finds its way in when I’m too low or tired to fight it.

Yes I completely get this. If we hadn't had to battle to find our own self esteem every day imagine how much easier life would have been. .I never want my children to feel as though they are on their own like I did/ have before my own family.

Since starting this thread, and reading what people have been generous to share, and also talking a lot with my lovely husband, I've realised three things for certain. The first is that I really, really dislike my mother. The second is that she has no intention of being a mother or a grandmother. And the third is that none of it will get better. It's up to me to take all the action (kind of obvious but I needed it reinforced!).

She caught me, one morning, and I answered the phone to her (usually I let it ring out) - it was such a terrible conversation. On the one hand, thanking me for picking up because she hadn't heard my voice in so long. But on the other, when I was talking a little about the kids, she immediately launched into a monologue about how her husband's grandchildren were doing. Every detail. No interest in her own grandchildren. I could hardly believe it.

In my own head I've gone non-contact. I know how to take the steps, I just haven't done them yet. But I don't want to hear from her again. There is nothing like a parent-child relationship there. In fact, there's less than a polite neighbour relationship. She disgusts me.

My grandmother was like this. She herself was adopted and had gone through alot. This affected my mum badly. She checked out of mothering with booze and work and lived to impress/compete with me even as a very small child.

I was the only one on the edge of the new family she joined with stepbrothers and a stepdad I felt like the outsider and was treated like that. I think she also hated me because I reminded her of my dad who she detested. We have been NC for years and I am much better for it.

In much later years my Dad got in touch. Has an equally dysfunctional family. I have siblings there but they seem to see me as "his problem" rather than a sibling. They don't seem to keen on him either (very lacking in empathy mostly and was absent for most of their childhoods).

None of them seem to have the slightest inkling how difficult it feels not to have belonged to either family or be particularly liked by them.

It's an interesting point how many people who experience this type of thing go on to thrive. My therapist also says she's amazed how I'm not only doing OK but thriving despite all. I'm in a good place now but have had some really rough times in the past as well xx