Can I ask you, if you grew up with an absent mother...?

[Reonie]

...How are you now?

My mum left the family when we were both under 10, and though I do still have some contact with her, obviously it's been so hard in various ways. I find there is a lot of talk about absent fathers, since that's the norm when a family breaks up. And when it comes to absent mothers, it's mainly focused on narcissists. I would love to have therapy but I genuinely don't think a therapist would be able to understand.

My mum's not a narcissist, she's just not at all up to the job of being a mum. She was a very young mother and my dad's a challenging character. Still, she made some poor decisions when we were young (eg to move to an entirely different bit of the country) and I find it hard to understand that.

It's really hard to find anyone who's had a similar background. If this is you, then do you think you're ok? I think I am mostly ok, I just carry this sadness all the time, and presume I always will.

Self esteem again. It seems to affect us all. Glad you got good therapy. xx

You sound like you've come to terms with it all and set your boundaries with her. Can absolutely relate to not knowing anyone with a similar story. Which, in its way, is a good thing, when you think about it!

Hmmm ‘how am I now?’ Well… I’m okay.

I struggled a little when I had DC because I was absolutely baffled about how anyone could want to live with some bloke more than they wanted to live with their children. I remain baffled and I am 45 now.

I am now older than my mum was when she left but my DC are still younger that I was when she left. If that makes sense. It was weird being the age she was when she left.

Maybe I will have another wobble when DC are the age I was when she left. Sometimes, (& this is not a topic I discuss with many folk) a well meaning friend will say ‘oh she didn’t leave you, she left your dad.’ I beg to differ.

So I’m okay. I am happily married and I am convinced that there isn’t another person alive that I’d rather wake up in house with than my own children. More than 30yrs on, I remain baffled.

Reparent yourself - I love that. Hadn't thought of it that way but I've been doing that in one form or another since I was quite young.

You're totally right that you can't change a person. I don't know about others but I find myself thinking, ffs I can do this, why couldn't you? But that's not helpful at all.

She turned things round and took responsibility? That is amazing! What a lovely (and unusual) outcome! xx

BAFFLED is the perfect word.

FWIW I did wobble, when my ds was the age my brother was when she left, because I could see the vulnerability. I found that really, really hard and that was compounded when she mistreated my ds at that age. Since then we've not really had much of a relationship.

My mum left when me and DIS were around 16 and 13 (now both in 40s). DIS. Aren’t has any relationship with her. I see her a few times a year (lives 4 hrs away) as she wants to see my DD. We FaceTime a couple of times a month but I do miss not having that close mother relationship that some of my friends have. Like popping out for coffee etc. just normal mum/daughter things. Luckily I was very close to my DF so I didn’t feel totally cut off.

@Sayithowiseeit I'm glad your mum was big enough to take responsibility and so that you can have a relationship now and your children have a grandma.

One of the more difficult things about the culture on Mumsnet of going NC over everything is the chance of healing never happens.

Most bad parents (imo) stay bad parents and don't want to change; NC is there for a very good reason. I was NC with my biological mother (violence) for some time and I'm NC with my adoptive father (he's uninterested and completely negative about me for 30 years; I don't need that in my life).

But there are some, like your mum, who made (bad) mistakes but still want to do what they can to put them right and that brings a degree of healing for both sides.

@Reonie - oh I'm so sorry I didn't mean that you are all a disservice and that you shouldn't talk about it. I meant that I think you've all done so well in spite of your DMs. That's the bit I've always struggled with is being proud of myself. That's all I meant and I'm sorry I upset you x

No you didn't upset me!! I did misunderstand you but I wasn't upset.

I totally agree, it is actually so uplifting to read stories from people saying "yeah, I think I'm ok?" - but also to see the commonalities in terms of struggling at times with self-esteem or needing love. It is fantastic that it isn't a pattern that we have replicated (although I have on rare occasions been depressed enough, to not contemplate it, but perhaps to understand it a little).

You and we should be extra proud of ourselves. Even on bad days. xx

A good father seems key. Or a good set of grandparents. No surprise, any stability is welcome.

Does your DSis understand you having contact? My DB is NC with our mum but I'm just low contact (very). I don't think he understands but as I get older, I also don't understand how it was I managed to keep the relationship up. Desperation?

My mother ran off with my best friends father when I was 14. She left five of us behind. It has affected all of us in different ways.

I'm 46 now.

I got back in touch with her when I was 22. I don't feel sadness about it now but for many years I resented her so much. As the oldest girl, I was left to look after the home and my two younger siblings who were 11 and 8 at the time.

When I got back in touch we had an honest conversation. I told her what my life has been like and that she knew that would be my life when she left.

I have a lot of sympathy for her as sh was 16 getting married and 8 months pregnant. Had five kids by the time she was 27 and had a cold upbringing.

My parents divorced when I was seven and I was brought up by my father and stepmother, which was functional but not full of love. They were both complicated and damaged characters, so it's hard to say who's to blame: she was bullied by him but wasn't really cut out for motherhood either. My stepmother resented me and my father was only interested in her so I ended up feeling totally abandoned.

I could write a massive long post of all the ins and outs but the result was very much what you all talk about. When I'm low, I don't feel good enough, or worthwhile - because after all, not even my mother loved me. And I hate things like Mother's Day because it makes me feel like I failed to be a daughter.

But two things have made a huge difference to me - one was a couple of years of therapy (not counselling) with a therapist who was very much able to understand the situation. I was assessed and sent to someone that they thought was suitable, so don't count it out entirely. I don't think I would have had my own family without it. The other - much more recently - was EMDR - which also really helped.

Same. My sibling was younger than me and when DC hit that age I found it really difficult. So little and so vulnerable and it was so hard to be in the house knowing our mum would never be there again. It was like a bomb dropped in our family - and my mum was really happy and content in her new life. So weird.

@AgathaMystery I have huge wobbles at certain stages throughout my daughter's childhood . Which tend to be a mix of sadness and anger and resentment that she has a stability and love that I have never had. The current one, incoming, is that she will go to uni next year and we will be sad. But I think my father and stepmother were relieved I was out of the house and I was not missed at all.

I’m sorry anyone else feels like this because I know the damage it causes.
I always felt a nuisance, in the way, under her feet and generally unwanted. It’s left me with lifelong problems and I’m pushing 60.
Shes better now but she’s aged and isn’t lumbered with us anymore. Hugs and 💐 to you.

And hugs and 💐 to all of you, it’s not us it’s them.

I won't tell you about my dad but he was worse.

Solidarity and I wish you nothing but happiness.

I actually hugely struggle with not repeating the pattern… well some of the patterns, now I’m in a very difficult peri with a very young daughter and having left her (abusive) father. I give her so much love and time but have huge huge guilt when I lose my temper and see my own mother. I live in fear that that’s what she’ll remember. But she will always come first and I’ve already been tested on that, and have protected her like my mum couldn’t do me.

My mother had complex mental health issues. I don’t know what exactly, it is a secret, but she was sectioned a few times and was generally very unstable and irrational. A childhood spent on eggshells by all of us really. Possibly she just had too many children (catholic ireland) and not enough choices and they pushed a vulnerable person over the edge.

My father was a solid and kind, a great catch really. We had a great family network, but nobody could really navigate her, because she was so emotionally unstable and often volatile for reasons nobody could explain. I feel like we would have faired much better without her but she wasn’t brave enough to leave and to allow us to be free. In particular my father’s family were alienated and they were nice people who could have filled a gap. Her family were allowed more access but really they had to be extremely careful of. Everything they did. They really loved us.

I accept she was also probably failed by mental health services and I strongly suspect she had a dark childhood. A very broken person but someone I will never know.

Some of my siblings feel my father should have divorced her for everyone’s sake. Surely any judge in the land would have sided with him. I can see why that decision was too hard for him today take, because she was/ is mentally ill… also did I mention catholic Ireland…

It's amazing the amount of damage a bad parent can do to you. I absorbed all the shame my mother should have felt at her appalling behaviour during my childhood. It's taken a lot of therapy to cure the shame and the chronic people pleasing it gave me. I no longer deny her behaviour and talk openly about it if asked.

She was very young when she had my brother and I (both accidents) but went on to have another child by choice at the same time as thinking she was entitled to an extra marital sex life with various men and in front of us while my dad was at work. She was also very lazy and neglectful and hated me from a very young age. Terrible candidate for motherhood.

She finally bolted with one of her boyfriends a couple of weeks after I left home for a gap year. I ended up stranded abroad as I had nowhere to come back to so missed out on university. My sister was adopted by my dad's second wife. All three of us are estranged from both parents and each other (due to her manipulation and the scapegoat/golden child dynamic she created).

Interestingly I have ended up with a partner who was abandoned by his mother when he was a toddler. She was another one for the men, cheating on both her husband and the man she left him for. My partner has a friendly but distant relationship with her, she lives abroad but like me has no intention of elder care. She does seem to have regrets about her behaviour, unlike my mother who continues with the delusion that she's the victim. Ironically she's now widowed but none of us will be rushing to keep her company.

Both my parents were absent. My mum was a single parent with bipolar. Every 2 or 3 years she'd go into mania, psychosis, be sectioned then return home with prolonged depression. I had years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. I saw my dad sporadically until I was 8 then a final time when I was 14 when I realised he'd dissapeared out of my life when he'd had another daughter. I lived mostly with my grandparents who could barely look after me, my grandfather was very hostile and I think he would have preferred if I'd had gone into care.

I was an absolute mess in my teens and early 20s. I tried to end my life in my late teens and came close on 2 other occasions. The thing that saved me was getting a great career, independence from my family and Prozac to get me through the really bad times. I realised the further the distance between me and my family, the better my mental health became. I now understand I'd suffered from cptsd for many years but in my mid 20s it started to ease.

In my mid to late 20s my mother and grandparents died and it felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I could finally live without all the shame, guilt and upset. I met my husband and had 2 kids. I will always say they are the best decision I've ever made. Having my kids gave me the push to cut ties with all members of my family. At the time I didn't understand why I did it but it was clearly a subconscious decision to protect them.

I think I've turned out okay. I think I'm a good mum, partner and friend. I try not to hate my family but put it this way, if there's a heaven and they're there, send me in the opposite direction when I pass.

I had therapy a few years ago after a few unsuccessful attempts. This particular therapist was amazing. She made me realise I'd been through something awful that it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't feel ashamed (the shame killed me for so long). In our final session she said she'd never met somebody who'd been through so much and turned out so well. I'll never forget those words.

Beautiful post. Well done , you've achieved so much and I bet you are a wonderful mum. Do you ever feel sad about what you went through and what you missed out on? I still have those thoughts sometimes it is hard to switch them off.

Not me but my mum. I dont think she got on with her mum and when she was young had the choice of moving away with her mum or living with her gran. She chose her gran who she was very close to and her mum moved away.

When her gran died she was inconsolable, when her mum died she hardly shed a tear.

As a result my mum is a cold fish, showing emotion is very alien to her, she wasnt a cuddly mum growing up and although we see each other regularly we are not close.

I am the complete opposite to my kids, would do anything for them, tell my DD all the time how much i love her and how beautiful she is and how proud of her i am. I am quite emotionally needy with my DP but nothing too extreme. I just like him to tell me he loves me quite often which he is happy to do.

i do feel sad when friends tell me about the amazing relationship they have with their mothers, how they go out all the time, go shopping together and how close they are. I could go out to places with my mum (if she wanted to go) but to be fair she does my head in so i tend not to do this.

@User2847350 Yes, sometimes. I think people like us just carry sadness no matter what. I honestly can't imagine what my life would have been like with even one supportive adult who loved me and had my back.

Threads like this are really helpful to know I'm not alone. But at the same time I feel so angry at all the dysfunctional parents people have had.

I honestly can't imagine what my life would have been like with even one supportive adult who loved me and had my back.

I was fortunate that I had that with my dad to a point, but it was complicated.. our relationship was turbulent due to his relationship, among other things. I knew he had my back, he would have done anything for me, but I never felt able to ask him for anything and I was so fucked up by then that there wasn't anything much I was capable of doing with myself anyway.

I left when I was 16 and moved hundreds of miles away. He died just a few years later. The loss of the only person who ever truly had my back all but destroyed me and what little I remember of my 20s I try to block out.

Most people just can't imagine what it's like not to have a single relative you can rely on. I've spent long periods feeling like I had no identity. In all the years since my dad died, only one of them contacted me and it was if he'd read a manual on how to make a black sheep feel like even more of a black sheep.

I feel like I'm just temporary, just passing through if that makes sense. Like I don't actually belong here. That these normal everyday things aren't for people like me.