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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask you, if you grew up with an absent mother...?

129 replies

Reonie · 09/05/2025 12:24

...How are you now?

My mum left the family when we were both under 10, and though I do still have some contact with her, obviously it's been so hard in various ways. I find there is a lot of talk about absent fathers, since that's the norm when a family breaks up. And when it comes to absent mothers, it's mainly focused on narcissists. I would love to have therapy but I genuinely don't think a therapist would be able to understand.

My mum's not a narcissist, she's just not at all up to the job of being a mum. She was a very young mother and my dad's a challenging character. Still, she made some poor decisions when we were young (eg to move to an entirely different bit of the country) and I find it hard to understand that.

It's really hard to find anyone who's had a similar background. If this is you, then do you think you're ok? I think I am mostly ok, I just carry this sadness all the time, and presume I always will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reonie · 09/05/2025 23:07

Opsiedaisy · 09/05/2025 22:56

My mum left when I was young. She had an affair with a man she worked with. My dad found out and told her to choose, she choose to leave. Although she was still local she hardly bothered with me after she left. Years later our relationship is virtually none existent. She went on to marry and have children with the man she left us for and dotes on them and later her grandchildren from that side. Her children regularly post things on social media about how lucky they are to have such a lovely mum. It hurts, it still hurts after all these years. I once asked her why she didn’t bother with me after she left and she said she thought it would be easier for everyone if she just walked away. The hardest part for me was when my child was the same age as I was when she left, I will never understand how a mother could just walk away.

I think it would break me, if people thought my mum was great. I’m so sorry. You deserved better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reonie · 09/05/2025 23:09

DaisyChain505 · 09/05/2025 22:41

Mine left when I was about 10.

I don’t think she was ever meant to be a mum but sadly she just didn’t know that until she actually had children.

I try to remember that just because she’s my mum doesn’t mean that she isn’t human and humans can be very flawed and troubled for many reasons including mental health and their own up bringing.

Her being a bad mum is no reflection on me as a person and it’s all to do with her.

I try not to let it have a hold over my life and have made peace with it.

I don’t think she was ever meant to be a mum but sadly she just didn’t know that until she actually had children.

This is probably true for mine too, but how I wish it had been her burden to bear, you know?

OP posts:
angelinamerry · 09/05/2025 23:11

I’ve found this thread very helpful @Reonie, thank you for starting it. I’ve never met anyone irl who had a physically absent mother so it’s really helpful to know that I’m (sadly) not alone. I have very confused feelings about the situation. My grandmother was actually much better for me than my mother, she was very stable and could cope practically with a child, which my mother couldn’t. I tried living with my mum twice; for a year when I was 10 and again when I was 15 and both times it was awful. I was desperate to get back to my grandmother, which I did eventually both times. But my mum didn’t do the basics for housework so the house was always a mess and I’d not have clean uniform etc when I was with her. I’d do a lot when I was 15 but she’d had two more children by then that lived with her full time and there wasn’t really room for me. And she has a very short temper and my grandmother is very patient, my mum can blow up at any second and I’m still on edge when I’m in her company as she has bullied me up until a few years ago. So I’m glad that I lived with my grandmother, but having children myself, I can’t understand why she was happy to live her own life and travel and leave me behind. Even though she’s had more children, she does/did the absolute bare minimum parenting with them.

Original poster
Reonie · 09/05/2025 23:12

marthasmum · 09/05/2025 22:33

This isn’t my experience, but my DO’s mum left him when he was very young with his grandparents and went on to have more children with other men, who she kept with her. Thank you all for sharing your experiences, and I am in awe of what you’ve managed.

My DP plays his cards very close to his chest and doesn’t talk much at all about how he feels about it. However I can see in him many of the issues shared here including self- worth. When people talk about now having a blueprint and knowing how to parent, that sounds familiar. Particularly with teenagers, his expectations were very different to mine as he hadn’t really been able to be a child and had to help his grandma out a lot.

I hope this thread has been helpful for you too, at least a bit. Hope your DP is ok xx

OP posts:
marthasmum · 09/05/2025 23:14

Thank you reonie for your answer, I appreciate it and what you have said reminds me of how my DP has spoken of his experience.

Original poster
Reonie · 09/05/2025 23:18

Rollofrockandsand · 09/05/2025 22:09

My mum left when I was 6. We did see her and my dad remarried when I was 9. I didn’t realise until I was an adult how much it impacted me. To read the stories of people who have been through this is so comforting. I have never met anyone who has been through this. My step mother is a true narcissist and my relationship with her is erratic to say the least.

I can totally relate to the posters whose mothers now think they can have the same relationship with their adult children as those mums who were always there. It’s a horrible contrast of resentment and obligation.

i have all the feelings that others have mentioned. A lack of mother figure in my life is a gap huge it’s impossible for people who have lived with a mum to even comprehend the loss is enormous

my sister and I both have 1 daughter, and also sons. There’s no doubt we’ve over indulged and worshipped our daughters in what might be an over the top way, to compensate for our lack of relationship with our mothers.

It’s so hard, isn’t it, when they try to be the same as a real mum. Mine tries every now and again, probably in reaction to something one of her sisters has done with one of their daughters.

Mine wanted to come to the birth of my child, because one of her sisters did with my cousin. I thought, you are not a serious person. It’s been two decades and I’m still incredulous. (I should probably let that one go.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Reonie · 09/05/2025 23:21

SheSpeaks · 09/05/2025 22:24

i can relate to not thinking that this is an explainable situation. I can’t explain my childhood to anyone, it sounds ridiculous when I lay it all out.

I had an abusive father who was physically and sexually abusive to my mother and me. When my parents separated he refused to leave so my mum left instead, I was 9 years old and I suspect she was having an affair. She was certainly in a new relationship (with a married man) very soon after. He was also having an affair with my mums best friend. He continued to be physically and sexually abusive to me, and I lived with him 12 in 14 nights, I’d spend every other weekend at my mums new house. My father moved his new girlfriend and her two toddlers in and I became the babysitter. He was then abusive to them as well, so they only lived with us for a year before leaving.

There was a lot of neglect, we didn’t get fed or encouraged to wash and I didn’t have new clothes or any uniform or equipment I needed for school. He was eventually arrested and prosecuted for his abuse of his girlfriend and her children, so we had to move out of our home overnight. We lived with my mum again then for six months but she was furious about the whole situation as it had caused her married man to break up with her.

I went through a whole police investigation and court case. Eventually my mum had no choice but to move back permanently as he was sent to gaol. She was drinking heavily. I cut off all contact with my father aged 12. My mum was diagnosed with cancer and started her chemo when I was 13. There was a lot of resentment and more neglect. I got a job so I’d have enough money to eat. The house was falling down around us. One of my siblings started doing drugs. After several operations and more treatment she had a period of being OK when I was around 16. I moved out at 17 and she died a couple for year later.

I’ve never seen a counsellor about any of this as it all seems ridiculous. The amount of violence and abuse was just staggering when I think about it now.

i have three of my own dc. I’m proud of them, they still seem to like me (adults and teens) and they are good people. They have never asked about my childhood. I think I’m roughly OK. How about you OP? Are you OK?

Thank you, I am - mostly - ok. I’m absolutely in awe of your strength and touched that you asked me. You are incredible. Your three children are lucky to have you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Reonie · 09/05/2025 23:23

angelinamerry · 09/05/2025 23:11

I’ve found this thread very helpful @Reonie, thank you for starting it. I’ve never met anyone irl who had a physically absent mother so it’s really helpful to know that I’m (sadly) not alone. I have very confused feelings about the situation. My grandmother was actually much better for me than my mother, she was very stable and could cope practically with a child, which my mother couldn’t. I tried living with my mum twice; for a year when I was 10 and again when I was 15 and both times it was awful. I was desperate to get back to my grandmother, which I did eventually both times. But my mum didn’t do the basics for housework so the house was always a mess and I’d not have clean uniform etc when I was with her. I’d do a lot when I was 15 but she’d had two more children by then that lived with her full time and there wasn’t really room for me. And she has a very short temper and my grandmother is very patient, my mum can blow up at any second and I’m still on edge when I’m in her company as she has bullied me up until a few years ago. So I’m glad that I lived with my grandmother, but having children myself, I can’t understand why she was happy to live her own life and travel and leave me behind. Even though she’s had more children, she does/did the absolute bare minimum parenting with them.

So glad you had your grandmother. A bit of stability. Xx

OP posts:
orangecreamed · 09/05/2025 23:28

I was left with my dad when I was a little over a year old. My mother kept an older half sibling (and went on to have more children). My dad brought me up the best he could but I’m quite sure he is on the spectrum and struggled to find a long term relationship so I saw a long string of women come and go during my childhood and lived very much on the bread line.

I saw my mother very infrequently until around 6 years old (maybe once or twice a year if that) once as a teen, that I instigated, I think through curiosity and then not again until my mid 20s.

as an adult I think that I’m surprisingly balanced to be fair! I adore my own children and have a very close relationship with them . I have a relationship with my mum, through certainty not a typical mother daughter relationship but we get on and I quite like her as a person, which lots of people I know just can’t get their head around.

as a child I was bullied because ‘not even my mum wanted me’ and I was very jealous of a boy in my class at school because his mum had died and no one bullied him for that. I sometimes think the bullying had a more profound impact on me as a person than the absence of a parent but I’m sure if a councillor picked me apart they could find some wild theories!

angelinamerry · 09/05/2025 23:29

@Reoniesorry for replying to your reply to someone else but my mum harassed me into coming to my first birth and made the experience so much more stressful than necessary.

user1471538283 · 10/05/2025 08:17

I'm on another long running thread that's been an incredible support about narcissistic mothers.

I think you are all doing yourselves a disservice. My pattern of parenting is to not be like my DM. I know it's hard but our DMs either left or did a shit job so anything we do do is better than that. I've made mistakes but my two know they can always come to me good or bad and I'll make it better or help them as much as I can.

camshaft · 10/05/2025 11:20

it has been interesting for me to read this thread. I have 2 step daughters who have a very limited relationship with their mother, aged 11 and 8. The girls have lived with DP, me and my 2 children for the past 3 years full time. They were originally seeing their mum every fortnight but she picked her new bloke over them and it’s now ‘when she can be arsed’. Averages 1 day a month if that. They crave her. It’s heartbreaking because her excuses are pathetic and they’re starting to see it for what it is now. Her daughter turned 11 last month and she’s not seen her/ bought her even a card… no Easter eggs either. I am scared about what will happen in the future years to come, especially as puberty hits.
I personally think the girls would be better off having no contact rather than having the constant rejection and promise of ‘yes I’ll see you this weekend’ then an hour before ‘I can’t have you now as I’ve got no money/ an appointment/ any other feeble excuse’
By the way, this woman has since had three more children who she doesn’t reject. Can’t imagine what’s going through the girls heads with regards to this. Three other siblings who they barely know because when they DO see mum, the other kids are often with their dad.

they don’t talk about it openly. They just throw tantrums over other things and cry a lot about other things (emotional immaturity).
i will show my DP this thread so he can see what happens in later life going through this rejection.

thank you OP for starting this thread and for everyone who has shared their stories x

Cakeinvader · 10/05/2025 18:41

B0D · 09/05/2025 18:29

Yes me. I was abandoned what I count as 3 times. And there are seemingly no resources or support or research I think because it is relatively rare and somewhat taboo.

It’s also different from having a mother who is present but struggles to parent for whatever reasons, and different to having an absent father.

Shame at being abandoned, low self esteem, self sabotage, chronic depression, inability to form or maintain relationships, feeling invisible and always on the outside, all of those things mentioned already and more are fundamental aspects of my life.

one thing that sticks with me from childhood was being compared to her - we are quite similar in looks and temperament - and simultaneously told what a bad person she was.

Crikey yes the comparison! My Gran was convinced I was just like my mother so much so that I wasn’t allowed any freedom because I couldn’t be trusted.

Cakeinvader · 10/05/2025 18:47

Reonie · 09/05/2025 19:15

@Cakeinvader I would just like to give you an enormous hug. You might not think it but I know how strong you are xx

Thank you and have one back!
it’s a shame that we often can’t recognise our own strength but it is so easy to see it in others.

Ezzee · 10/05/2025 22:20

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 09/05/2025 14:34

Yes.

I've found it a struggle to relate to other people, seeing their relationships with their mothers and feeling like an outsider. I've always felt like I'm on the outside looking in. I've never felt a 'part' of anything. I often feel like I'm in the way, taking up space, like I'm here on a visa and don't have the same rights as other people.

This.
I was 6 when she left to live thousands of miles away.
I was 10 when my father remarried to a vile woman who excluded me from family, they had a son, I was neglected and an inconvenience.
Never went on holiday, had presents because 'her mother might ...' my mum never did.
So as well as above I also don't ever really miss anyone as I'm scared they will leave so don't invest.
This has not helped me be a good Mum or wife, although I try very hard and we are close and loving, my kids are happy and doing really well ( adults).

AnotherNaCha · 10/05/2025 22:28

Yes. Mine left when I was 9. After an affair she’d made me savvy to (and take me along for cover so my father didn’t suspect anything 😢). Also a very young mother. I lived mostly with my dad until I lived mostly with her a bit later (when my dad married an absolute witch). It was difficult - she was very loving and very punishing. She died while we weren’t talking which pushed me into a depression. I’d say I’ve had terrible self esteem, put up with abuse in relationships, suffered depression and have self-sabotaged any sort of success as a result. Therapy helps! But I get you. It’s a deep sadness. And yes, usually men have a role driving women to do things like this, but in my dad’s case, I don’t think so. Which makes it harder

Pompompurin1 · 10/05/2025 22:29

Me. She isn’t a very nice person and has done so many terrible things but denies or excuses all of it. Her husband is dying now and I’ve two small children and she keeps writing to me (in the letters she mainly talks about herself and then tells me how much she’d like to see my kids). Straight in the bin. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again.

Me myself I am fine … now. I did have a chaotic time in my teenage years and early twenties as I think I was just desperate to to be loved and had very little self respect. I’m okay now and happily married.

I don’t know anyone in RL who’s mother behaved like mine or can even begin to understand, except my siblings.

GreenFressia · 10/05/2025 22:32

Not to the same extent but mine had an affair and checked out of parenting when I was about 10. My dad worked away a lot.

For me it got a lot easier when I accepted that you can never change a person. A grief comes with that but also a relief of not longing for it to be different.

I also have an incredibly low tolerance / low empathy for self made problems like alcoholism (DM had a drink problem). I'm very open about that - if empathy is required on that with a friend I will caveat it by saying I have a very low tolerance/sympathy for X.

I do know what you mean about missing things. The only approach I've found helpful is just to think of it as having had to reparent myself in some areas (like learning to be kind to myself).

From what you say I think the hard thing is that as a kid you get / got no say / no choice in it. As an adult obviously you do get more choice. You are absolutely right to feel compassion for the child you were that missed those things and just wanted to feel safe / have guidance.

Sayithowiseeit · 10/05/2025 23:34

I was about 5/6 when my parents split up, I saw my mum occasionally. My dad was very much trying to turn me and my siblings away from mum.

As my siblings were older, the court listened more to their wishes and didn't want to split the siblings up so we lived with dad. He made life hell for my mum.

My mum could have fought harder, I would never have walked away from my children but she did after a while and for many years.

I really struggled growing up. My dad was rubbish, an alcoholic, and my step mum was only 18 (my dad 36) and she was horrific, really abusive. I could do nothing right, she hated me. The mental torture was horrendous and has messed me up for life.

I'm not resentful of my mum, I can understand a little of the whys and I know the How's. I know how awful my dad and stepmum were. But I know that I wouldn't ever do what she did and walk away from my kids.

Me and mum had a few tricky times over the years. Especially teenage years. But I actually have a lovely relationship now, she's taken responsibility for what she didn't get right, and she's put in an amazing amount of effort. She was there for me and my children last year when I needed her. She's there to give me a hug, to help with my children (she helps a lot) offer support. And be a mum.

There will always be our history behind us, but I'm happy and grateful that I have her now.

I have had NC with my dad for about 11/12 yrs I'm not sad about it

Original poster
Reonie · 11/05/2025 10:10

orangecreamed · 09/05/2025 23:28

I was left with my dad when I was a little over a year old. My mother kept an older half sibling (and went on to have more children). My dad brought me up the best he could but I’m quite sure he is on the spectrum and struggled to find a long term relationship so I saw a long string of women come and go during my childhood and lived very much on the bread line.

I saw my mother very infrequently until around 6 years old (maybe once or twice a year if that) once as a teen, that I instigated, I think through curiosity and then not again until my mid 20s.

as an adult I think that I’m surprisingly balanced to be fair! I adore my own children and have a very close relationship with them . I have a relationship with my mum, through certainty not a typical mother daughter relationship but we get on and I quite like her as a person, which lots of people I know just can’t get their head around.

as a child I was bullied because ‘not even my mum wanted me’ and I was very jealous of a boy in my class at school because his mum had died and no one bullied him for that. I sometimes think the bullying had a more profound impact on me as a person than the absence of a parent but I’m sure if a councillor picked me apart they could find some wild theories!

I'm so glad you came out of that feeling balanced! I feel balanced too, about a lot of things, and very much floundering with others (like parenting at various stages).

But god, what an awful thing those bullies said to a little kid. Much love xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Reonie · 11/05/2025 10:14

user1471538283 · 10/05/2025 08:17

I'm on another long running thread that's been an incredible support about narcissistic mothers.

I think you are all doing yourselves a disservice. My pattern of parenting is to not be like my DM. I know it's hard but our DMs either left or did a shit job so anything we do do is better than that. I've made mistakes but my two know they can always come to me good or bad and I'll make it better or help them as much as I can.

I don't think it's a disservice to acknowledge how it's been - I almost wish my mother was a narcissist, because then it would make some sort of sense. But omg yes yes to doing the opposite with parenting. I also feel a huge pride in being a parent who's got dc to adulthood and they're capable and loving and fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reonie · 11/05/2025 10:21

camshaft · 10/05/2025 11:20

it has been interesting for me to read this thread. I have 2 step daughters who have a very limited relationship with their mother, aged 11 and 8. The girls have lived with DP, me and my 2 children for the past 3 years full time. They were originally seeing their mum every fortnight but she picked her new bloke over them and it’s now ‘when she can be arsed’. Averages 1 day a month if that. They crave her. It’s heartbreaking because her excuses are pathetic and they’re starting to see it for what it is now. Her daughter turned 11 last month and she’s not seen her/ bought her even a card… no Easter eggs either. I am scared about what will happen in the future years to come, especially as puberty hits.
I personally think the girls would be better off having no contact rather than having the constant rejection and promise of ‘yes I’ll see you this weekend’ then an hour before ‘I can’t have you now as I’ve got no money/ an appointment/ any other feeble excuse’
By the way, this woman has since had three more children who she doesn’t reject. Can’t imagine what’s going through the girls heads with regards to this. Three other siblings who they barely know because when they DO see mum, the other kids are often with their dad.

they don’t talk about it openly. They just throw tantrums over other things and cry a lot about other things (emotional immaturity).
i will show my DP this thread so he can see what happens in later life going through this rejection.

thank you OP for starting this thread and for everyone who has shared their stories x

I'm glad it's useful. I think if there's one thing to take from it, it's that a loving and stable family will go so far to 'fix' it, but there might still be a lifelong feeling of rejection humming along in the background. Hyperindependence. I would say I have a really good life, I'm a decent parent, all that, just sometimes I have to watch out for those small rejections which feel catastrophic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reonie · 11/05/2025 10:23

Ezzee · 10/05/2025 22:20

This.
I was 6 when she left to live thousands of miles away.
I was 10 when my father remarried to a vile woman who excluded me from family, they had a son, I was neglected and an inconvenience.
Never went on holiday, had presents because 'her mother might ...' my mum never did.
So as well as above I also don't ever really miss anyone as I'm scared they will leave so don't invest.
This has not helped me be a good Mum or wife, although I try very hard and we are close and loving, my kids are happy and doing really well ( adults).

Show quote history

This has not helped me be a good Mum or wife, although I try very hard and we are close and loving, my kids are happy and doing really well ( adults).

Totally relate. It has been hard work (in my own head) but same. Sorry your family were so crap. I can't get over how people don't seem to look out for their kids!

OP posts: