Can I ask you, if you grew up with an absent mother...?

[Reonie]

...How are you now?

My mum left the family when we were both under 10, and though I do still have some contact with her, obviously it's been so hard in various ways. I find there is a lot of talk about absent fathers, since that's the norm when a family breaks up. And when it comes to absent mothers, it's mainly focused on narcissists. I would love to have therapy but I genuinely don't think a therapist would be able to understand.

My mum's not a narcissist, she's just not at all up to the job of being a mum. She was a very young mother and my dad's a challenging character. Still, she made some poor decisions when we were young (eg to move to an entirely different bit of the country) and I find it hard to understand that.

It's really hard to find anyone who's had a similar background. If this is you, then do you think you're ok? I think I am mostly ok, I just carry this sadness all the time, and presume I always will.

I recognise this a lot in my relationship with my mum.

She left when I was 16 after I found out about her affair and told my dad about it. My sisters were younger.

I have struggled for years now with the guilt of the pain and suffering I caused them by telling dad. Even though rationally I know it is not my fault, I am unsure I will ever shake it.

I see her about once a year with the odd message in between. She also expects to have a mother/daughter relationship when we do speak which i find really hard as she is practically a stranger to me. It's made relationships hard and the fear of being abandoned/always looking for signs of being lied to is one I think I'll never shake.

As you say, it's not one which is talked about much and it's quite a lonely experience to have. Wish I could offer advice but can only do solidarity.

My mum is a narcissist. She was both abusive and absent and chose a random man over her own kids. Figures. Anyway, I don't have a relationship with her and haven't seen her in so so many years. It's damaged me in many ways and I blame her for my incredibly low self esteem :( I'm still trying to work on it and I've had A LOT of therapy. It's hard..

I am so sorry your mum died. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like the years when she had you, she loved you a lot ❤

I absolutely hear you when you talk about not knowing how to be a mum. The internalised stability is so important.

There have been times where I've had to say to DH, look, I truly don't know what to do here, do you? And handed it over to him. Mostly with 'trouble' - my parents are both harsh people so that's my blueprint, and I recognise that's not good. He has always been an equal partner and is a great parent. At other times, I am the one who does more, for example with the openly emotional stuff. I think I would have really failed as a single parent, I have needed him.

I would love men to realise that their emotional involvement is vital (and yes to financial/stable involvement too of course). Perhaps if that were the norm, then not having a mother around wouldn't be so terrible. I know there are men like that, and a lot of it is societal.

Sorry about your mum ❤ What an age to lose her at xx

@Nomorecoconutboostsmine is the same, expects me to forget that and be close and I just can’t do it.

@Reonieoh yes the shame, can totally identify.
(our laundry wasn’t done properly - to this day I am pretty much obsessed with laundry and love my washing machine)

yet we have nothing, absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.
the adults who made these choices, and chose not to consider the consequences of those choices…they are the ones who should be ashamed.

interestingly I seem to be drawn to people who also had absent or difficult mothers, one male friend in particular. He really, really gets it.

@angelinamerry
It’s hard - are we supposed to just pretend?! xx

I'm in a sort of similar situation in that our mum left us with an emotionally abusive man - he can be so cruel and I see what everyone calls narcissism in him. He is also deeply misogynistic and that affected me badly. Not the same as addiction and outright abuse though. But I still think: ok so you wanted to get away, but why leave us with what you couldn't stand? Like there's such a disconnect. She doesn't even see it.

I'm so glad you feel all right. I mean I know it's not easy. Peace is a good place.

I'm so sorry for all of you who had a mother there, but she was awful. Had things been different for me, it's quite likely I'd be one of you. I have a couple of friends who haven't had kids because they say they're too selfish, and honestly, I applaud them.

I've always been drawn to people with solid families, just lovely parents! I noticed it when I was in my early 20s. It's one of the things that made me realise how fucked up my own family is.

Yes yes yes to us not being responsible. It should be their shame.

My mum also chose men over us (that's why she moved away) and I DON'T GET IT, we were so so young! Like what was in her mind?? Nothing good. It's not like they were great men and they welcomed us in.

I hope in time your self esteem blooms and grows 💐

It's incomprehensible how they don't seem to know what they've done. xx

Wish I could offer advice but can only do solidarity.

This is it! What advice do we need? I don't know, but I have often felt I need some... And you're right, it is lonely.

My mum and dad split up when I was 3 she was an alcoholic and had 2 older children taken off her. I lived with my dad and stepmother until in my teens, then I wanted to meet my mum and establish a relationship but when I met her there was a huge disappointment. I wanted the loving mother I so craved but didn't find it in her only her selfishness. I didn't see her much after that and didn't meet all my 4 half siblings, but the ones I did meet I never found that bond I was expecting. I left the country a couple of years ago and met up with my half brother before I left where he told me my mother had cancer and the prognosis was not good, she subsequently died a year later. For me it was deeply saddening, I never got to ask her why she wasnt interested in me or wanted to be my 'mother'. I have 2 grown girls of my own and I always want to be in their life if they want me. I've managed to put my mother issues behind me but there was always a hole in my life where I wanted a mum xx

Yes.

I've found it a struggle to relate to other people, seeing their relationships with their mothers and feeling like an outsider. I've always felt like I'm on the outside looking in. I've never felt a 'part' of anything. I often feel like I'm in the way, taking up space, like I'm here on a visa and don't have the same rights as other people.

I had an absentee father for first 12 years and then an absentee mother till adulthood. Tbh I was happy she left as she was an awful mother (no affection, not allowed to do anything fun, partners always put above kids, extremely physically and verbally abusive, basics of food/clothes not provided). My father was even worse and that time with him definitely caused some long term trauma. I have had some MH and alcohol issues in my teens/early 20s but I live a pretty normal life (educated, professional career, children etc). I limit communication with both parents, but have strong relationships with siblings. Both parents have no acknowledgment of their failings and expect support/care now that they are older. I have been to therapy but didn’t find it that helpful. I do plan to look for a more suitable therapist when I have time though.

My mother was a devoted presence in my life until I was six. I was youngest in a pretty large family and when I entered full day school she went back to college herself and that was basically it. She quickly withdrew herself to the level of involvement SHE wanted, her work and social life became paramount to her.

I realized as an adult that I had completely different parents than my siblings esp the older ones who enjoyed so much attention and involvement from both our parents. Father was an alcoholic and that got much worse as I grew up too, I can honestly understand her detaching herself except as it relates to raising me. I was fucking feral. Being the only girl and much quieter and milder than all the wild boys it was assumed I was OKAY when I wasn't. I was lonely and sad at being left out of all the things my brothers got that I didn't.

Then there was that year I was 15 and she physically abandoned me. I was left to live for a full year in an apt w/a brother who well let's just say he wasn't ready to provide a parental role, no blame to him, he loved me but he was unprepared for the responsibility. And it was purely for her own convenience. (I was always an inconvenient child from birth on.) That was a rough year and our relationship never recovered. She couldn't cope with the reality of her actions and how deeply they affected me and I was unable to forgive her selfishness.

When I was an adult we became estranged and she died idk 30 years later and I felt nothing at all.

I look back and I see now she was trapped, she'd married young, had a ton of kids, that was what you did in the 50's-60's right? Then came the 70's and women's lib and she realized she'd made a big mistake. Dad being an alcoholic and workaholic left all the home load on her shoulders, I don't fault her for being unhappy with that. I do fault her for deciding it was okay to abandon me to find her own happiness outside the family.

Something useful on shame told to me by a counsellor:
picture a child experiencing what you experienced. Would you think they deserve shame? Or would you think they deserve compassion?
Trying to see myself through l kinder eyes has started to help me address shame

It's very difficult and presents so many challenges that seem endless at times. I like you have been down many times. I don't want to waste this life so I am able to bring myself back up. But it's hard to have self esteem when your mum doesn't love you. That's the reality. It leaves a scar unfortunately and it can never fully be resolved tbh.

My DH mother just walked out one morning when he was 8 and his siblings 6 and 2. He eventually ended up with his grandparents where he remained until he was 22. No one heard from her or even knew where she was for 5 years and my DH has a clear memory of her just appearing one day when he was 8. She had a baby with her and went on to have another child. She didn't want the 3 chi!seen back that she had left and my DH recalls the fee!ing of being abandoned all over again. He did have some contact with her as an adult but it was always very strained and when we got married 13 years ago he didn't invite her and later acknowledged that he was punishing her. The big issue was that she though she had equal rights with a mother who had been present and the view of the children that she left was that she didn't. She died 5 years ago and my DH said he felt nothing and then just relief.
Our granddaughter had to come and live with us and my DH wanted to do it because in his words, his grandparents saved him from the care system and he wanted to give something back. He's had a lifetime of low self esteem and confidence issues. He was a little boy abandoned by his mother for no other reason that she didn't want to do it anymore, the two children she had After she left ended up in boarding school in the UK whilst she and her new husband worked abroad. There are certainly 3 people with attachment issues that have affected all of their relationships and their own sense of self.

You can be a shit parent without being a narcissist.

Your mum was selfish and was not a good parent.

There is lots of research that an absent father has an effect on people and I think a mother is way worse.
I don’t know if that’s because as a society we’re so used to shit men or if it’s the bond between a mother and child.

Your dad may be a challenging character but at least he didn’t abandon you like your mum did.

I think it’s ok to be angry about a shit parent, mum or dad but I think you have to be careful that you don’t let what she did affect you too negatively now.
I would absolutely try and talk it through with a therapist and maybe even her (although you probably won’t get a straight answer and will just hear excuses or how it’s all your dads fault).

I’m sorry you went through this.

So sorry for you. You might never have got the answer you needed, but it sounds like you wanted to try. Alcoholism is such a blight on those it affects.

I could have written this word for word, at various times in life. xx

Having two awful parents is horrible bad luck. I'm so glad you have your siblings xx

I think this is one of the things I have a problem with. Yes, going and changing your life, veering away from the expectations that were placed on you at a young age: I get it. But there are real people involved! And it's SHIT that men can do it and we're sad but ultimately not surprised. That is brutal and unfair. But, I don't know, there is this kernel of something, whatever it is, that if you remove it, people's lives might just go to pot.

I hope things are so much better for you now xx