Can I ask you, if you grew up with an absent mother...?

[Reonie]

...How are you now?

My mum left the family when we were both under 10, and though I do still have some contact with her, obviously it's been so hard in various ways. I find there is a lot of talk about absent fathers, since that's the norm when a family breaks up. And when it comes to absent mothers, it's mainly focused on narcissists. I would love to have therapy but I genuinely don't think a therapist would be able to understand.

My mum's not a narcissist, she's just not at all up to the job of being a mum. She was a very young mother and my dad's a challenging character. Still, she made some poor decisions when we were young (eg to move to an entirely different bit of the country) and I find it hard to understand that.

It's really hard to find anyone who's had a similar background. If this is you, then do you think you're ok? I think I am mostly ok, I just carry this sadness all the time, and presume I always will.

Love this, thank you

Oh those kids...and for her to have two more. It's heartbreaking. Self esteem is hard to harness with that psychological wound. Funnily enough that's something my brother has really suffered with. I have some contact with my mum (he has none) and am able to process her behaviour better now, as I'm a grown woman and a mother. I've tried to tell him she just couldn't do the job of being a mum, it wasn't about us as people, but I don't think it's helped him any.

My mum, step dad and half siblings moved to another country when I was 15 - I could have gone with them but chose to stay in UK and moved in with my dad who lived about an hour away from my school / where I grew up. Those first few years were hard, I had some v close friends which helped. I see my mum about once every 1-2yrs. I moved out of home at 18, definitely closer to my dad because of it and we see each other regularly. I think it made me very independent from a young age and grew up quickly. Had a wobble when my kids were born - really needed my mum around and couldn’t help feeling jealous (still do) of very involved grandparents who help out. Husband not close to his parents so we rely on each other and are a pretty tight team. Overall I’m okay with it.

You don't really get a choice in how these things affect you. You do have a choice in how to deal with it. I suppose I started this thread because there actually aren't resources out there for this specific situation. Or, not that I can find. (If anyone else does, then please post!) It's good to understand the feelings. Ultimately all we can do - any of us in any situation - is to plough on and be aware of pitfalls.

That sounds like a good outcome from a less than ideal move they made: and I can definitely relate to the independence!

The mother of a close friend walked out on her and her sister when they were 5 and 7. They had no idea where she had gone, all they knew was that she had run off with another man.
Their dad really struggled to raise them.
My friend has always felt in some way to blame for her mother leaving.
Many years later their mother turned up at their door. But the reunion wasn’t full of hugs and kisses as my friend had expected. The mother was rather cold and had no idea about my friends life. Turns out the mother had remarried and had 3 more children and lived in Australia! She had never told her new husband that she had been married before or that she even had children. She told my friend that they could have a relationship as long as she called her ‘aunty’ and told the new family she was a niece.
My lovely friend went along with story for a few years but once she had her own children she never spoke to her mother again nor did the mother try to reach out.
My friend is definitely messed up - she has low self esteem and I know she craves that mum-daughter bond

Yes me. I was abandoned what I count as 3 times. And there are seemingly no resources or support or research I think because it is relatively rare and somewhat taboo.

It’s also different from having a mother who is present but struggles to parent for whatever reasons, and different to having an absent father.

Shame at being abandoned, low self esteem, self sabotage, chronic depression, inability to form or maintain relationships, feeling invisible and always on the outside, all of those things mentioned already and more are fundamental aspects of my life.

one thing that sticks with me from childhood was being compared to her - we are quite similar in looks and temperament - and simultaneously told what a bad person she was.

Oh @B0D yes to your last sentence. I'm the spitting image of my mother, especially as I age. It used to be spat at me "You're just like your mother" as a criticism, and although we look alike, we simply aren't alike at all. All my life I'd meet people who I hadn't seen for years, and they'd say - very neutrally - you look just like your mum. It's so hard. Just this morning I glimpsed her in the mirror and had to remind myself that my genetics is beyond my control.

It’s also different from having a mother who is present but struggles to parent for whatever reasons, and different to having an absent father.

I completely agree and I struggle to put it into words, but I think it's something to do with feeling tainted, or imagining that people feel I'm tainted somehow. That I, as a girl child, was going to perpetuate the cycle, would never manage to behave normally, perhaps. (However, I am not my mother, and wasn't in circumstances like hers.)

Your poor friend. This is a crazy story! I hope she finds some peace.

this sounds so much like my mother, absolutely devastating - we are no contact for these people reasons.

She abandoned me at 3 months to be be brought up by a tired and angry Grandmother. It has done untold damage to my life. My childhood was spent being told that I should be grateful to not be brought up by her as she was x y z (and she was by the way) but no one felt sadness for me, no one looked at the little girl and comforted her because she felt that she must be so awful to make her mum run away.
She came in and out of my life until I put a stop to it when I had my own DCs. No way was I going to let her mess with their lives. I’ve had quite a bit of therapy, I understand why I function the way I do. I’m hyper vigilant waiting for anyone to show signs of rejection then the shutters go down. But I’m also a desperate people pleaser that I don’t actually know if I’ve got a life of my own. I nod and smile when ‘friends’ tell me about their family experiences, their get togethers, the support they receive. Deep down it’s not computing, WTF are they on about. I understand myself but my total lack of self seems to make deep change impossible for me.
So as you can read I’m a bit of a mess. I’m early 60s now and I’ve tried my best to sort myself out but I’m too drained by the constant masking and the childish hoping that it’ll all be ok when I’m a grown up. Well I am that grown up and I’ve still got a big whole in me.
Thank you for this thread. I’ve honestly never met anyone whose mother has left them. In 60 odd years that’s a lot of people but I guess the shame can make us silent.
Posting this will probably make me run for cover so I may not come back to the thread but I thought I owed myself the acknowledgement of my past.

@Cakeinvader I would just like to give you an enormous hug. You might not think it but I know how strong you are xx

@Cakeinvader
Hope you can find a little solace here. I’ve never met anyone who felt the way I do (or confessed to it). I’m nearly 60 now and accept it has shaped my life and not feeling guilty for that feel sad and also accepting.

and @Reonie too, your articulation of your feelings really resonates with me, and @TheFatCatsWhiskers1 post, I’m feeling we have had really similar experiences and emotions around this predicament

It is really affirming to know that others feel the same. Thank you all for sharing. It's a real privilege. I hope some of it is comforting. xx

I am ok. The relationship has completely broken down now and that is how I am ok. I’m happy without her in my life.

My husbands mum abandoned them when he was 3.. when he was 6 she came back and took them out of school one day used them to get benefits and was never in the house. The court got involved and finally he was safe only to lose his dad a short time later but was never returned to his mother. He went off the rails for a while a but personality wise now he gives me so much love adoration and appreciation for being mum to our lot like it is a massive pride for him! He is constantly praising over it. Negative effects I think stem for it is he struggles with over independence and takes anything not positive as a criticism, we've kinda worked through this by the way things are worded.

That’s good. I often wish I’d cut the tie. There’s really no building anything good after it happens (that’s my observation anyway). Xx

I love that he praises you. He understands what you mean to your family. That’s pretty wonderful xx

My mum left when I was 6. We did see her and my dad remarried when I was 9. I didn’t realise until I was an adult how much it impacted me. To read the stories of people who have been through this is so comforting. I have never met anyone who has been through this. My step mother is a true narcissist and my relationship with her is erratic to say the least.

I can totally relate to the posters whose mothers now think they can have the same relationship with their adult children as those mums who were always there. It’s a horrible contrast of resentment and obligation.

i have all the feelings that others have mentioned. A lack of mother figure in my life is a gap huge it’s impossible for people who have lived with a mum to even comprehend the loss is enormous

my sister and I both have 1 daughter, and also sons. There’s no doubt we’ve over indulged and worshipped our daughters in what might be an over the top way, to compensate for our lack of relationship with our mothers.

i can relate to not thinking that this is an explainable situation. I can’t explain my childhood to anyone, it sounds ridiculous when I lay it all out.

I had an abusive father who was physically and sexually abusive to my mother and me. When my parents separated he refused to leave so my mum left instead, I was 9 years old and I suspect she was having an affair. She was certainly in a new relationship (with a married man) very soon after. He was also having an affair with my mums best friend. He continued to be physically and sexually abusive to me, and I lived with him 12 in 14 nights, I’d spend every other weekend at my mums new house. My father moved his new girlfriend and her two toddlers in and I became the babysitter. He was then abusive to them as well, so they only lived with us for a year before leaving.

There was a lot of neglect, we didn’t get fed or encouraged to wash and I didn’t have new clothes or any uniform or equipment I needed for school. He was eventually arrested and prosecuted for his abuse of his girlfriend and her children, so we had to move out of our home overnight. We lived with my mum again then for six months but she was furious about the whole situation as it had caused her married man to break up with her.

I went through a whole police investigation and court case. Eventually my mum had no choice but to move back permanently as he was sent to gaol. She was drinking heavily. I cut off all contact with my father aged 12. My mum was diagnosed with cancer and started her chemo when I was 13. There was a lot of resentment and more neglect. I got a job so I’d have enough money to eat. The house was falling down around us. One of my siblings started doing drugs. After several operations and more treatment she had a period of being OK when I was around 16. I moved out at 17 and she died a couple for year later.

I’ve never seen a counsellor about any of this as it all seems ridiculous. The amount of violence and abuse was just staggering when I think about it now.

i have three of my own dc. I’m proud of them, they still seem to like me (adults and teens) and they are good people. They have never asked about my childhood. I think I’m roughly OK. How about you OP? Are you OK?

This isn’t my experience, but my DO’s mum left him when he was very young with his grandparents and went on to have more children with other men, who she kept with her. Thank you all for sharing your experiences, and I am in awe of what you’ve managed.

My DP plays his cards very close to his chest and doesn’t talk much at all about how he feels about it. However I can see in him many of the issues shared here including self- worth. When people talk about now having a blueprint and knowing how to parent, that sounds familiar. Particularly with teenagers, his expectations were very different to mine as he hadn’t really been able to be a child and had to help his grandma out a lot.

May I ask - it seems to be a common theme to feel counselling wouldn’t be helpful (though some have also said they benefited from it). For those of you not wanting to engage with counselling, is that linked to having to be very self sufficient do you think?

Mine left when I was about 10.

I don’t think she was ever meant to be a mum but sadly she just didn’t know that until she actually had children.

I try to remember that just because she’s my mum doesn’t mean that she isn’t human and humans can be very flawed and troubled for many reasons including mental health and their own up bringing.

Her being a bad mum is no reflection on me as a person and it’s all to do with her.

I try not to let it have a hold over my life and have made peace with it.

My mum left when I was young. She had an affair with a man she worked with. My dad found out and told her to choose, she choose to leave. Although she was still local she hardly bothered with me after she left. Years later our relationship is virtually none existent. She went on to marry and have children with the man she left us for and dotes on them and later her grandchildren from that side. Her children regularly post things on social media about how lucky they are to have such a lovely mum. It hurts, it still hurts after all these years. I once asked her why she didn’t bother with me after she left and she said she thought it would be easier for everyone if she just walked away. The hardest part for me was when my child was the same age as I was when she left, I will never understand how a mother could just walk away.

I don’t know if that’s a common theme. I’m personally convinced that counsellors aren’t trained to deal with this particular issue and would conflate it with having a present but bad mother, or treat it the same as having a father who’d left. It’s delicate, actually. If I’d seen anything online about it, I’d probably feel differently, but there’s next to nothing. I just can’t spend that time and money with a therapist who’s so vanishingly unlikely to understand how life has been from being a little girl.

as someone else said, you live life being so protective of yourself. One single sign that someone is not good for you and that’s it. For me it’s not independence, it’s a desperate need to be understood, but at the same time knowing how hard that is for others.