I need to get something off my chest

[FairPlayer274]

It’s a bit of a long story, but bear with me.

Without giving away too many details about my job, I basically go away to work for two days a month, or for longer for special training. Recently I went for a week long course, and I was catching a certain vibe from one of the instructors, who works with me… Like at one point I thought he was flirting but I wasn’t sure, and he asked me about my relationship status (I’m married with a young child, which I told him.)

At the beginning of the week, he’d sent me a friend request, which I accepted. The service/Wi-Fi was spotty, so I didn’t get his subsequent message there until the last day of the course, when we were testing out. (Thankfully, he wasn’t the one scoring my test. We are equals, at least, but I wanted to be sure I actually earned my certification in the skill he was teaching, you know?) The message basically asked what would I do if a certain coworker matching his description might possibly be attracted to me. But then…

Let me stress to you that I regret my reply, but at the risk of being crucified on here, I’m gonna share it anyway… I told him that if that was the case, it might possibly be mutual, but that nothing could ever come of it (given my marital status.) I don’t know why I said that. I shouldn’t have said that.

He wrote back, essentially, that he understood and respects that, but that he’d “be there” if I ever changed my mind, winky face. The conversation then turned back to work related things. I thought that was the end of it. Nope.

He’s started flirting with me at work. I should be angry that he’s not being respectful, but honestly I’m such a slut for attention that I can’t help but enjoy it. I’m being strictly polite and professional back, but it’s good, smooth flirting, if I’m being honest, and I think he can tell it gets me flustered. It doesn’t help that I’m having intrusive thoughts about how I’m put up in my own hotel room on the occasions we work, and how easy it would be to find an excuse to invite him in… (I’m NOT going to do it. But I’m having trouble not thinking about it, and I have a lot of guilt.)

The worst part is, the day I read that initial message, DH texted me that I was being quiet. I screen-shotted Coworker’s message (cropping out my reply) and sent it to him, and told him I was wondering if I had really earned my certification. We had a mini shit-talking session about how unprofessional it was, and DH made fun of the phrasing. I didn’t mention my response, and deleted it from my phone. It’s been eating at me.

And the thing is, DH and I aren’t even strictly sexually monogamous… though we do have limitations for one another. One of his is that I can’t have extramarital sex with the same man more than once, and it can’t be anyone I interact with on a regular basis (to prevent emotional connections from forming.) I have zero desire to go out and get some strange, but this limitation makes it so Coworker is out of bounds, so to speak…

And I already know the hypothetical, forbidden sex isn’t even likely to be as good as what I have at home— I’ve been with a LOT of men, and very few of them were good at it, and none as good as DH… I guess the idea of doing it with Coworker is alluring because of the taboo-ness of a workplace affair.

Also, I’m thinking maybe it’s that I miss feeling desired, and experiencing New Relationship Energy, like I did when I was younger and dating/sleeping around? I’m not sure how to go about asking DH to help me feel desired like that again, though. Like, I “flirt” with DH at home, and I’m always the one initiating the sex, but he rarely initiates with me, and he never flirts first…(Even if I did field that request/express that feeling tactfully, I would question if he really desired me when he did those things, or if he was just trying to placate me… is that insane ?) I feel loved. Just not particularly sexy, if you know what I mean?

Anyway, I’m just struggling with these feelings, and I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening, if you’ve read this far.

When you were around he was “waiting” for you to initiate so never initiated himself?

He never spontaneously wanted sex with you and initiated?

and “he was only doing it when I wasn’t an option”… are you referring to sleeping with strangers here?

Yes.

IDK if he wasnt spontaneously wanting sex, or if he did sometimes but just never did anything to get it started… He said to me the other night that sometimes he wakes up horny and thinks of waking me up too (which I told him I like very much), but the idea of having to get it up himself to do that seems like “so much work.” I was thinking, “Are you serious?” We’ve also talked about sometimes experiencing discrepancies between mental and physical libido, where sometimes we mentally want sex but not physically, or vice versa, so maybe that’s what’s happening there.

Yes, that’s what I was referring to.

How old are you both op?
how do you and he find strangers to have sex with?

I’ve met some women off dating apps, though not in a long time as I’ve just been too busy for other people lately.

There were a couple instances where we sourced individuals from Fetlife to have fun with together; you can basically post who and what you’re looking for, and have dozens of messages in your inbox a half a day later from interested relative locals (though the quality of the options varies considerably.) We find most of the events/parties we attend on FL too, though there hasn’t been anyone at those DH found attractive enough to engage with. Chatted with some swinger couples from another site; never met up with them though.

DH knows a woman who’s happy to come over and give him a rub down and have a roll in the sheets. She likes his muscles (who wouldn’t?) and enjoys his talents.

DH knows a woman who’s happy to come over and give him a rub down and have a roll in the sheets. She likes his muscles (who wouldn’t?) and enjoys his talents

to your family home? In your marital bed?

as for your question op… a categorical no

Is this the only woman he sleeps with? If not, how does he hook up with other

how old are you both?!!!

Following our last post,…. It would seem this is all a very rare occurrence?

They met up at a hotel until he got more comfortable with her, enough to have her at the house provided DD isn’t there. I just ask him to throw the bedding in the wash afterwards.

And she’s the only one? If not, there are others he’s hooked up with? How?

Op I have just seen on your other thread you have one go… your husband is 25 YEARS older than you. So how old is he?!

But you’re ok being there?

I wish I was. I’d really like to see it, I think. Like I said, he only does it when I’m away and not available

As you said, you love attention. This thread is just feeding into that.

Op you’re 25 years younger than him
you work 2 days a month

is he very wealthy?

Agreed. I could probably give advice but I'm not going to, because feeding people on mumsnet dribs and drabs of salacious detail about your non monogamous life is attention seeking, not help seeking

This is the only woman he sleeps with isn’t it Op?

how often do you both engage in sex with others? And what about how often between you and dh?!

We are pretty comfortable, financially

And I suspect op needs advice on a number of levels more urgently than what appears to be a rather half-hearted non monogamous relationship

How old are you op? Is your husband approaching retirement age?

We’ll go to events if there’s one that interests us relatively nearby, if neither of us are busy, and if we can get a childminder and the dog sitter to come, if it’s overnight. Works out to a couple times a year.

I go away for two weeks for work annually, for 5-7 days 2-3 times a year, and for at least one weekend per month. Usually also take a holiday by myself or with DD, and periodically spend a few days with my half of the family who live far away, about 3 times a year. Those are times when he might see someone else, but usually only on the longer periods away.

I think the last time I was with another woman on my own was… before Covid began. 5 years ago.

So it’s not super often

ETA: Oh, and we have sex anywhere between 2-5 times a week, unless we’re sick or I’m on my period

But you said that he has never found anyone attractive at these events
so it is just the woman who comes over for a roll around?

im guessing viagra features heavily in that 2-5x a week given his age op?

So you have ample opportunity to be with a man alone given you holiday and travel alone quite a bit

and he only “enjoys” the other woman and only when you’re away?

your life will change once he retires op, quite drastically.

how far off is retirement for him?

The women at the events tend to be a bit heavier, too alternative looking for DH’s taste, or non-binary/trans, even if many of them express interest in him.

That’s the thing though; he doesn’t have any problems getting erections if he’s mentally and physically stimulated. This might be TMI, but he gets the hardest out of any man I’ve been with, and I’ve been with many. Stands straight up to his navel… there was a week or two once where he was really stressed out and not sleeping or eating well, where I’m pretty sure his testosterone took a nose dive and he couldn’t quite focus, where his erections weren’t as strong as usual, and he panicked and came home with viagra. I laughed and was like, “what the hell do you need those for?” He said “just in case.” Hasn’t used them.

So just to be clear

the only woman your dh sleeps with now and in the past is this one woman who meets him for a back rub and a roll around?

Yeah, I just tend to pine after him when we’re apart, and I don’t think other men are going to be as good in bed as him, so I have little interest in ONS with them. And he’s says if I’m around and he can have me, that’s what he wants