I need to get something off my chest

[FairPlayer274]

It’s a bit of a long story, but bear with me.

Without giving away too many details about my job, I basically go away to work for two days a month, or for longer for special training. Recently I went for a week long course, and I was catching a certain vibe from one of the instructors, who works with me… Like at one point I thought he was flirting but I wasn’t sure, and he asked me about my relationship status (I’m married with a young child, which I told him.)

At the beginning of the week, he’d sent me a friend request, which I accepted. The service/Wi-Fi was spotty, so I didn’t get his subsequent message there until the last day of the course, when we were testing out. (Thankfully, he wasn’t the one scoring my test. We are equals, at least, but I wanted to be sure I actually earned my certification in the skill he was teaching, you know?) The message basically asked what would I do if a certain coworker matching his description might possibly be attracted to me. But then…

Let me stress to you that I regret my reply, but at the risk of being crucified on here, I’m gonna share it anyway… I told him that if that was the case, it might possibly be mutual, but that nothing could ever come of it (given my marital status.) I don’t know why I said that. I shouldn’t have said that.

He wrote back, essentially, that he understood and respects that, but that he’d “be there” if I ever changed my mind, winky face. The conversation then turned back to work related things. I thought that was the end of it. Nope.

He’s started flirting with me at work. I should be angry that he’s not being respectful, but honestly I’m such a slut for attention that I can’t help but enjoy it. I’m being strictly polite and professional back, but it’s good, smooth flirting, if I’m being honest, and I think he can tell it gets me flustered. It doesn’t help that I’m having intrusive thoughts about how I’m put up in my own hotel room on the occasions we work, and how easy it would be to find an excuse to invite him in… (I’m NOT going to do it. But I’m having trouble not thinking about it, and I have a lot of guilt.)

The worst part is, the day I read that initial message, DH texted me that I was being quiet. I screen-shotted Coworker’s message (cropping out my reply) and sent it to him, and told him I was wondering if I had really earned my certification. We had a mini shit-talking session about how unprofessional it was, and DH made fun of the phrasing. I didn’t mention my response, and deleted it from my phone. It’s been eating at me.

And the thing is, DH and I aren’t even strictly sexually monogamous… though we do have limitations for one another. One of his is that I can’t have extramarital sex with the same man more than once, and it can’t be anyone I interact with on a regular basis (to prevent emotional connections from forming.) I have zero desire to go out and get some strange, but this limitation makes it so Coworker is out of bounds, so to speak…

And I already know the hypothetical, forbidden sex isn’t even likely to be as good as what I have at home— I’ve been with a LOT of men, and very few of them were good at it, and none as good as DH… I guess the idea of doing it with Coworker is alluring because of the taboo-ness of a workplace affair.

Also, I’m thinking maybe it’s that I miss feeling desired, and experiencing New Relationship Energy, like I did when I was younger and dating/sleeping around? I’m not sure how to go about asking DH to help me feel desired like that again, though. Like, I “flirt” with DH at home, and I’m always the one initiating the sex, but he rarely initiates with me, and he never flirts first…(Even if I did field that request/express that feeling tactfully, I would question if he really desired me when he did those things, or if he was just trying to placate me… is that insane ?) I feel loved. Just not particularly sexy, if you know what I mean?

Anyway, I’m just struggling with these feelings, and I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening, if you’ve read this far.

Like who? He hasn’t got any rules, laughing all the way to the sex shop that fella

Let us know how the D is when you’ve invited him into your hotel room

Waxing incident.

There are lots of legal benefits and protections to marriage, and it also makes it so that it is more complicated to separate (encourages a couple to work through any problems.) We are romantically monogamous, have built our lives together and have invested time, effort, and resources into our family… There’s more to marriage than sexual monogamy.

I think there’s probably very few people that don’t enjoy flirting, feeling desired, and having their ego boosted. I wish those things were coming from DH, but they seem not to be at the moment.

I am experienced with that. It’s a lot easier to do when you don’t actually want them, I suppose.

Thank you for this thoughtful and helpful reply 💚

I wish those things were coming from DH, but they seem not to be at the moment.

This is what you need to be focussing on and addressing with DH.

If you both sleep with other people anyway then why does it matter, in the nicest possible way you’re presumably both married and middle aged with a child but still shag around when you feel like it, why all the navel gazing just say and do as is!

I am bi, though it’s a lot harder to meet women than men, and I generally don’t have time to do that. It’s nice to have it on the table for the future when I’m less busy, though.

I think that if I like, really liked and appreciated a female sexual partner for who she is—like just on the border between best friends and having a little crush— that would be okay. But if I started getting thoughts about like, leaving my husband for her or running away with her, or something, then that’d be a cue for me to cut things off with her…Lots of men don’t really consider that to be a possibility when they set out their boundaries, though. They tend not to see other women as a threat.

DH and I are committed to each other in plenty of ways. We just aren’t bothered by non-monogamy within the specified limits, and so we allow each other to indulge. I haven’t ever been bothered by the thought of my romantic partners being sexual with others; I think God just forgot to give me that brainfold.

I definitely do not have romantic feelings for Coworker. I just wanna shag him.

I also don’t think DH is sneaking around and having sex with other women without telling me. There’s no reason for him to do that. He’s no spring chicken, and he’s very busy with work (and yes, he’s really at work; we share locations via our phones and cars.) He has a handy massage lady he sees if I’m away, sometimes.

I think maybe he’s just gotten used to me initiating every time, so he’s just come to expect it, and if I don’t, he assumes I’m not in the mood, and doesn’t put in the effort to get me in the mood even though he knows I hardly ever say “no…” I told him this morning that I feel like he doesn’t initiate anymore and his reply was “That’a because you’re desperate.” I know he was joking, but it still kind of hurt. We’ll need to have a more serious conversation about it later.

@WakingUpToReality @User37482 I suppose you could call his limitations more “strict,” in that I don’t mind if he sees the same women more than once, or if they run in the same social circles otherwise. I trust him to be aware of his feelings and to cut it off if anything romantic starts to develop. I guess maybe he’d rather not take his chances with me doing that…

I don’t mind the difference; we’re comfortable with what we’re comfortable, you know? I don’t think people can really force themselves to be okay with something if they’re not, and trying to make the limits equal or “fair” would probably just create anxiety or resentment.

I sure hope he doesn’t . If he did, I would hope he’d keep it to himself and deal with it quietly.

It seemed like he could sense something was up, and it felt… idk, less sneaky? To show him at least the initial message. I admit it’s a bit of a rationalization

@FairPlayer274 the modus operandi of you relationship is never going to be simple or straightforward and TBH it sounds skewed in his favour to me, but what do I know. There are many reasons why monogamy became an accepted norm, not least because the situation you're in is headache inducing and frankly, not terribly sexy. All so negotiated, intense and transactional, for what amounts to a quick lay.

Showing your husband the man you fancies message was a a bit of a low move, for both of them. Can't you see that?

TMI/ cringe warning!
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incompetent aesthetician ripped off a tiny bit of his scrotum and it’s been slow healing

What about it seems transactional, in your opinion?

I don’t regret showing him the initial message; I just wish I hadn’t responded with what I did such that I had to omit it

The whole thing to be honest @FairPlayer274 . You're allowed to do this, I'm allowed to do that and they are really quite different if you look at it. The thing where you're only allowed to have one night stands with men when he can have more erm encounters with the same woman is a bit of a red flag and reeks of ownership and jealousy, not freedom (I'm trying to express this in terms of the kind of relationship you have)

In spite of the "openess" of your marriage Op I am not sure that there's much honesty or equality.

I mean, with re: ownership… DH and I belong to one another, don’t we? If he doesn’t feel comfortable with me shagging the same man twice or anybody I interact with on a regular basis, then he doesn’t feel comfortable with it. He doesn’t have to be okay with me shagging anybody at all, really; I’d be sexually monogamous with him if that’s what he wanted or needed. I love and respect him, and want him to be happy, and it wouldn’t make me so unhappy that I couldn’t abide by that if I had to.

Similarly, I could tell him I don’t want him to shag anyone else either, and he wouldn’t. But I just don’t see the point in that because I’m not bothered by it at all. It would be different if I was bothered by it and was “putting up with it” while having to respect his boundaries, you know?

I just started my period, so thankfully that’s in the way this month. Maybe by next I’ll go off of him, but if not… I guess maybe I’ll “forget” to shave and wax and that should be prevention enough

I mean, with re: ownership… DH and I belong to one another, don’t we?

Noone can or should own another human being, noone "belongs" to anyone and in any relationship stuff can happen, people have attraction elsewhere and act on it, but all the rules and regulations you have for each other about what is really infidelity is so bloodless and passionless.

It isn't clever and sophisticated to not feel a knot in your stomach at the thought of your partner having sex with someone else. IMO it just means the love or real desire are lacking. They demand exclusivity.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion.

I like that DH is “mine” and I am “his;” that we belong to one another. That feels romantic to me.

Not all aspects of communication within a relationship are gonna be sexy, but I appreciate that we were able to communicate about our individual boundaries and allow each other certain freedoms.

I love and desire DH to death, and I’m pretty certain he feels the same way. I didn’t choose not to experience sexual jealousy, just the way most people don’t choose to experience sexual jealousy. I just am the way I am, and that’s okay with me… Honestly I think if I did have the choice, I would prefer the absence of it; seems like it causes some people a lot of stress.

Oh dear.

and you have brought a child into your ' relationship ' with your husband.

dear god.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon DD is not involved in any way with our sex life. (Feels weird to have to say that)