Is he with me for the wrong reasons?

[ComingFromTheSamePlace]

I've been with my partner for around 3 years.

He's told me I'm 'everything' he's ever wanted. We're both older (50 and 61).

Except that isn't true because I don't possess any of the actual qualities/features of women he's told me finds attractive or sexually appealing.

In fact, the only thing I'm confident he likes about me is that I've challenged some of his thinking and he now sees the world differently in some respects.

Like a university lecturer might challenge or change the way a student thinks.

But that doesn't really inspire physical attraction. I feel he is with me because his life is intellectually richer with me in it but that's about all.

Does it matter?

Anyone?

It's really affecting how I see and feel about myself.

Your post is all about him, what he thinks, what he finds attractive, him having his thinking challenged etc — what about you? Do you find him attractive, interesting etc? Does this relationship enrich your life?

Agree with the above. Also in what context is he telling you about what he finds attractive in a woman? I’d be wary of there being some negging going on, is he on some level wanting you to feel less than? Is he intimidated by your intellect? Have you ever been affected like this before when in a relationship with a man?

Yes. Mostly.

We get on really well, we're comfortable in each other's company, we have similar views on most things, I find him physically attractive, we laugh a lot.

But I'm comfortable with my own thoughts and feelings regarding him but this is causing me to doubt whether he is with me fro the right reasons. And, if I'm honest, I don't feel attractive when I'm with him because of it. It's not something I give a second thought to the rest of the time.

But is it something in his behaviour when you’re together that makes you feel unattractive, or just you thinking this because of your own beliefs about him?

I’m also a bit puzzled as to how he appears to have told you so much about women he finds sexually attractive.

Why do you think he's with you. Something is making you doubt him.

Has he actually told you he prefers these attributes in other women or are you just assuming? Also are they women you meet in real life or celebrities you see on the TV etc as that makes a difference.
Most importantly does she show he is physically attracted to you?

I've only felt similarly when I was with my exh who was openly critical of me and in one other short relationship with someone who was an arse and was negging me. I ended that quite quickly.

In others over just taken it for granted they found me physically attractive because they were with me.

The only niggle I have about perception is that this is the first relationship I have had since the negging arse so I don't know if I'm hypervigilant to it.

He hasn't 'negged' me. It wasn't constant and doesn't happen at all anymore since I told him how it made me feel. He was surprised and didn't think I'd take it seriously. It was just throwaway comments but ones that have left me under no illusion about what he finds attractive. And it's not me.

He never really says anything about me or finding me attractive anymore. And I just have his previous words rattling round my head all the time.

No. I don't think he's intimidated. I know it's one of the things he likes/enjoys - the fact that I'm knowledgeable and we can discuss things.

I think he finds the relationship more intellectually stimulating than he has found previous ones.

What compliments does he give you? What does he actually say about your appearance? What does he say he finds sexually attractive about you? Why is he even telling you about his ex partners?

I was once with a man who never complimented me. The most he ever said was "you look nice" and that was only once. I brushed it off and told myself it didn't matter and that I was being silly. I wasn't. It did matter. It was soul destroying. Never again will I reduce myself to being in a relationship with someone like that.

Aren’t you looking at this the wrong way?

Surely it is better to be valued for who you are than what you look like?

As one of my great friends told her daughter when she got a bit too much into Instagram: ‘if you want to be attractive, get a personality’!

If someone finds you attractive because you are interesting and stimulating, that is far better than the ephemeral attraction of looks.

I personally find intelligence very attractive.
It was highly tactless and stupid of him to mention the type he is attracted to.
Maybe it simply boils down to the fact that he really isn’t very clever?
Could you live with that, because it wouldn’t be very challenging for you?

Can you give some example?

There's a difference in saying 'my ex was a brunette' when your a blonde, and 'i just love dark hair on a woman'.

The first is factual and the latter would make me have think that was his preference too.

Reading your original post it seems that you think physical attractiveness is the most important reason to be with someone.

I would say I am similar to him. My GF is not what I would describe when talking about my ideal woman looks wise. My preference would be shorter, slimmer, wore a little more makeup, was more fashion conscious and got her legs out more.

BUT - there is something about her that I find sexy. Maybe it's the fact that when she does glam up it's more of a treat! Also, emotionally and mentally she is 100% perfect. Am 50 and never felt so in tune with someone. And that is who she is so I do love her. Not an issue, but if the emotional bond wasnt there maybe it would be. FWIW she thinks similar about me - neither are our types physically!

I always think about a partner as a long list of boxes you need to tick - looks (hair, size, height etc), financials and job, intelligence, location, aspirations, hobbies, morals, kids, family, friends etc...

IMO it's pretty rare for anyone to tick everything! They be 100% physically perfect but may have little turds as kids and have bad political views, or they may have the perfect house and family but want to just watch TV every night from 5pm-11pm, or they have plans to live in a commune when the kids are 18 but tick every other box. So some compromise is in order.

As long he he loves you for you and doesnt pressure to do things then fine.

"He's told me I'm 'everything' he's ever wanted"

Why do you need to look any further than that?

(Weirdly, this is the second time in two days I'm going to post the same basic thing, so apologies if you already read it on the other thread)

By rights, I shouldn't find DP attractive. My "type" is tall, pale, leggy, redheads. That's what all my celebrity crushes were growing up, those were the girls I fancied in school and its still the type of woman who will draw my attention now.

DP is none of those things. She's short, blonde, and in her own words, "mostly torso". In a crowded room full of women, on looks alone I am unlikely to have picked her out as the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

But she was a friend of a friend, and within 10 minutes of meeting her, I knew she was utterly beautiful. No, she wasn't my type if I listed off a set of physical attributes. But the whole package, both physically and as a person, was very quickly someone I adored, and someone I still adore 20 years later.

Would I prefer it if she was taller, or had red hair? No, because then she wouldn't be her any more. She had veneers on her teeth about 5 years ago because she'd always hated her smile, and while I'm glad that she's so much happier about them, and while her teeth look "objectively" better now, I still miss her old smile, because that was the smile I fell in love with.

So no @ComingFromTheSamePlace , you might not be your partners type, but that in no way means he's with you for the wrong reasons, it just means his "type" has broadened to include you.

What compliments does he give you? What does he actually say about your appearance? What does he say he finds sexually attractive about you? Why is he even telling you about his ex partners?

He doesn't really say anything anymore. I don't think he finds anything sexually attractive about me.

He doesn't ever say anything about his exes, I've met them.

Does he show affection, desire? It's really hard to work out from your posts what he's doing that's showing you he doesn't find you attractive. Is it more of a "you issue" in the sense that your self esteem was diminished by your ex to the extent that you just can't believe that someone finds you attractive?

If you're quite an intellectual "head" based person, are you perhaps assessing this as a logic thing - as in "he fancies X, I'm different to X therefore he can't fancy me"? That's not how love, desire, attraction works!

Does he make you feel desired? Do you have an active sexlife?

You’re being very very vague, OP. What has he actually said, and in what context, to make you feel this way?

How many of us look at our partners and think yep, that's absolutely my dream physical specimen?! Nope, we fall in love with people as a package - mind, body, heart - not a theoretical "type".

Do you have a physical relationship? Do you have to initiate sex if so or does he as well?

If you do, is it often enough for you or does it feel a bit too often or just right for what YOU desire?

Does he treat you with affection - eg kiss hello/goodbye, hold hands, initiate hugs and respond positively to your hugs?

It's more the latter.

He doesn't really do it very often since I told him it upset me but it was more like [this quality] is really sexy or "I've always found X women really attractive".

He'll occasionally comment on women being 'really beautiful'. But they haven't always been physical qualities. Sometimes it's style of dress, accents, hobbies etc.

I don't think he does it to make me feel 'less than' and was surprised when I told him that it bothered me because it was just a 'throwaway comment' or not important. And he did stop.

But they're all things I don't possess.

He likes that I'm intelligent but I sometimes think that's all I have going for me in his eyes.

By rights, I shouldn't find DP attractive. My "type" is tall, pale, leggy, redheads. That's what all my celebrity crushes were growing up, those were the girls I fancied in school and its still the type of woman who will draw my attention now.

I think this is part of the problem for me.

I know that this is how it is. I know that I'm not the type who would draw his attention.

When we go out, it makes me feel that I'm in the way or forgettable. I don't want to interrupt him if I think someone has caught his eye and look like I assume that, in that moment, that I have more value or worth or interest to him than someone he is attracted to. Or that I'm unaware. Because I am very aware.

I don't really go out anymore because of it. I just feel uncomfortable and on edge all night. I accept he's going to be 'drawn to' other women or find other women attractive. I just don't want to be there.

He doesn't behave disrespectfully. He wouldn't go off and talk to another woman and leave me but that just makes me feel more in the way because if I wasn't there, he could.

That makes sense. It could be that. I am quite logical.

And my ex made it quite clear that he didn't find me particularly attractive and that he should have been able to 'do better' than me.