It does seem that maybe he has 'friended' you with some of the comments he has made about other women and what he finds appealing. Or he is so comfortable in your company that he tells you anything. He may be a little dense/out of practice in the ways of us women and really had no idea that his honesty was just a little too much and hurt you.
I think you've summed it up really well, tbh.
I feel 'friended'. I am aware that I conflate some of the things he has said with things my previous ex boyfriend said. I hear them with the same intention, and I know his intention was to hurt. He was a misogynist and had some very 'incel' ideas about women. So the fact my partner has said some similar things has really rattled me, tbh. Because he doesn't hate women and doesn't share any 'incel' thoughts or ideas but his feelings around and attraction towards me are maybe in the same place?
I don't know if he said them with the same intention but I have responded as though he did. And maybe that's all that actually matters.
So I feel 'friended' and very much put back 'in my lane' - there are these women over here who are 'attractive, desirable and sexy' for whatever and many reasons and then there are these women over here who are 'realistically dateable'. I'm in the 'realistically dateable' group. I don't inspire desire or passion but I'm 'attractive enough' to not be 'invisible'. And that's something I've experienced before.
I don't think he's 'out of practice in the ways of women' because he's had at least two very successful long term relationships. Either he said similar things to them but they felt so confident in themselves and his love for them and their own attractiveness that they just rolled their eyes and laughed it off. Or he sees me as 'less' and intentionally set out to let me know I'm not good enough.
I don't know if I'd have felt this way if I hadn't had the experience with my ex boyfriend because I know he's not alone in some of his thoughts/beliefs and I wonder sometimes if he was just giving me an insight into 'how most/many men think but usually have the good sense to keep hidden'.
My partner treats me very well. If I were to look at his actions (rather than listen his words) then I would feel absolutely loved, adored and cherished for the most part. And it's not like he never says the words. I found it difficult to think about it yesterday because I felt so low and confused but he does tell me he loves me daily, there is casual intimacy at home and he does very occasionally tell me I have a 'beautiful face'.
But I don't inspire passion or desire in him. He doesn't find me sexy and he never gives reason to think that he does. And what is unsaid is often louder than what is said. All I hear when he does occasionally pay me a compliment is the things he will never say to me that he has said about others.
He's never been captivated by me in the way he's captivated by my [insert nationality] friend because she represents an actual love and passion for him.
He's unlikely to have entertained sitting with a group of young women at a festival if they hadn't had 'Welsh' accents because he's not that socially confident but they represented sexual desire for him (even if he didn't actually 'fancy' any of them individually) and he'll have enjoyed being surrounded by that.
He simply wouldn't have entertained sitting through an entire set of music he hated unless he was captivated by the singer because he never does and he certainly wouldn't had it been a sweaty man singing.
But those are maybe 'unimportant'. Maybe it doesn't matter that he finds other women sexualy desirable or beautiful or attractive or notices them for whatever reason.
Maybe the problem is that I just don't inspire those same feelings of passion or desire in him?
And maybe he wouldn't have suggested I dressed more provocatively/sexily for my hobby if I was desirable to him anyway and if he hadn't found the woman he suggested I dressed like more arousing. Because it wouldn't have occurred to him because I would have been enough as I was.
I participated in a work event recently and he came to support me. He was very excited for me and proud of me because my part in it was a huge success and that was down to me and was something I'm passionate about. But it wasn't passion or desire he felt. It was pride.
I feel I tick enough of the generic 'soft boxes' that will apply to most people - I'm clean, well presented, sober, employed, a decent person, faithful, honest, etc enough to make a good, solid life partner but I don't tick any of his personal boxes. And the only one of those I probably did tick was related to the creative hobby that I did which I no longer do.
My ex boyfriend took me to the ballet once to see Swan Lake. We sat down and he held my hand. As the ballet progressed, he was clearly captivated by Odette. He let go of my hand, leant forward in his seat and gushed afterwards about how tiny and beautiful and graceful she was. I had faded so far into the background for him that I was irrelevant and a source of disgust. That was clear in the way he interacted with me for the rest of the evening - he was openly hostile and dismissive. The ballet was no longer something we had gone to together but where he had 'fallen in love' with the sort of woman he believed he should be with - tiny, beautiful and graceful. I was just a painful and disappointing reminder of the 'realistically dateable' women he, and most men could achieve, and he despised me for it.
I've said a few times now that I've stopped going out and walk away if I feel I'm 'in the way'. I think that explains why I feel like this and i hadnt quite put two and two together before. I don't want to see the same disappointment and disgust in him. I don't want to feel despised for being 'realistically dateable' and not 'attractive, desirable and sexy'
Maybe this is the conversation I need to have with him and take it from there.