Is he with me for the wrong reasons?

[ComingFromTheSamePlace]

I've been with my partner for around 3 years.

He's told me I'm 'everything' he's ever wanted. We're both older (50 and 61).

Except that isn't true because I don't possess any of the actual qualities/features of women he's told me finds attractive or sexually appealing.

In fact, the only thing I'm confident he likes about me is that I've challenged some of his thinking and he now sees the world differently in some respects.

Like a university lecturer might challenge or change the way a student thinks.

But that doesn't really inspire physical attraction. I feel he is with me because his life is intellectually richer with me in it but that's about all.

Does it matter?

Only thing coming to my mind is pole dancing but even then I get the impression a lot of pole dancing groups are all about positivity and empowerment for women amongst other women.

Well sorry, but these guys are truly pathetic. Dress up sexy?? One man’s sexy is another man’s tacky as. Time you told this drop dead gorgeous, tall, shapely Adonis to piss off and get himself a woman who conforms to his brand of ‘sexy’ cos he’s not doing it for you is he? Or maybe, he doesn’t speak with an appealing accent, he doesn’t know how to please you, his technique is non existent. Make up your own negative ‘throwaway’ comments to suit and see - just as a little experiment. You actually stopped doing something you enjoyed cos a couple of twats said you weren’t sexy enough?? That is really sad.

goody2shooz

I gave it up because I started as a teenager but stopped in mid 20s. Thinking about it, I stopped the first time because my exh and my mum didn't like it and didn't think it was an appropriate hobby.

I picked it up again around 10 years ago because I was annoyed with myself for letting them have that influence and I loved it and enjoyed playing and thought it would benefit self esteem wise.

But the criticism just wore me down and my partner making that comment about how I should dress instead when I'd heard it from my previous ex too just killed it for me.

I did one gig after that and just felt so self conscious and wondered how any other people were looking at me thinking the same and I just completely lost my confidence. I felt a little uncomfortable with being so 'visible' in the first place and got terrible 'stage fright' but pushed through that because I wanted to do it and I was good at it. But I just wasn't strong enough to add personal criticism to the list of things I had to be strong enough to get through.

I used to go to gigs and watch the bass player exclusively. I loved watching it being played. Nowadays, I still go to gigs but can't even bear to look at the bass. I never watch it any more because it's just a reminder of where I failed.

I can't envisage a point where I would be able to do it again. I haven't picked any of my basses up in a year. They're all in a cupboard. I can't even face selling them or the amps etc because it means engaging with them.

What were your parents like when you were young? Critical? ‘Your mum didn’t like it’ - was she worried about too much attention from men, or playing bass guitar wasn’t ‘naice’ for a young lady or?

Stuff them all - break out the basses and your inner Chrissie Hynd or Suzi Quattro or whoever and let rip!

Just not nice for a young lady and no man would want me if I led such a debauched life, I think.

My dad was encouraging. It was because of my dad that I started playing it. I already played guitar and he said I'd have more chance of finding bands if I played bass because everyone wanted to play lead guitar.

I can't. Someone asked recently if I wanted join their band after their bass player left but I couldn't. My heart was pounding and I felt really anxious at the thought of it. Maybe it was just too soon but I've lost all my confidence. I can't imagine myself doing it ever again tbh.

Your posts are so sad the way your sense of yourself has been truly decimated.
Unbelievably so.
I really think you need to get help to work on this.
But I don't think he is your person.

Regarding the stylist. My friend is an arty person 61, and she was given a gift for her 60th of a stylist and £500 by her two sisters.

They sent in a bunch of photos of her style so the stylist would really get her.
She did.
The clothes, the jewel colours, the feminine flow of clothes, are absolutely gorgeous.
She was hesitant at first but absolutely thrilled.
She is a size 16 tall woman, extremely fit.
She looks amazing and knows it.

Honestly I really would give it some thought.
You deserve to feel good about yourself.
50 is still a great fit age...as is 60...but I'm blessed with health🙏

I think you need to step the hell away from ALL men for an extended period.
Bloody hell, no wonder my many single friends are so content and happy in themselves.

I would much rather be alone than have that awful stress the OP has.

Cannot be good OP for your health to have such a toxic negative voice whirling around in your head.

Deckings

That's interesting and maybe I'll look into it when I feel ready.

Tbh, when I've seen photos other people have shared on MN about things they've bought after an appointment with a stylist, they all seem very similar and not at all me.

I think I assumed that they'd have an idea of what 50something women should be wearing and then find styles that fitted that which suited my shape.

I really can't ever see myself in fitted shirts and blazers (which seem to be popular) and I think I'd feel I was dressed up like someone else if I did.

I spent several years trying to find a more 'conforming' look because exh didn't like my more 'alternative' look and failed miserably 😄

I realised when I hit 40 that I'd always known what suited me and went back to that (but a more 'age appropriate' version). I can tell when I've got it 'wrong' so I'm not completely clueless.

Sounds like this relationship is really wearing you down, OP. Sorry if I missed it , but I didn’t pick up any info about your relative financial positions. Is there a nurse-with-a-purse angle here? Is he in it for financial security?

No. He has more financial security than me (although I'm fine) and the age difference was more a concern for him at the start.

He's only ever dated women up to 5 years older or younger than him and the 11 year difference was more a concern for him.

The age difference in itself isn't an issue at all.

I use CBT strategies most days to just manage life tbh.

I think the poor sense of self comments are valid. I think I've probably spent a great deal of my life trying to be what other people told me I should be because who I was didn't feel enough. And I'm not even sure I really know who I am. Even when I feel like I do know, I don't feel I'm getting it right.

And it's stupid really because even while I'm typing that, I know that just be true to yourself and you can't please everyone so just please yourself is the answer. But I don't really think I know who 'myself' is.

I work full time in a demanding and responsible professional role. I've never sought to rise through the ranks and I've made it work for me through the years despite it being very stressful at times.

I've doubted myself in that respect too much of the time but I'm working with a really good and supportive team at the moment and I'm really enjoying it but there have been times it's been really hard. So I'm not weak in that respect but I think I do feel my worth is tied up in how others see me, how I make others feel and how I can bring out the best in others rather than myself. And my career is pretty much based upon that. It has to be that way.

I think I am just a bit lost and trying to find my way through and not doing a very good job of it. On the surface, everything looks fine but, underneath, it's really not.

I really feel for you OP, but particularly as the clocking is starting to tick fast as we hit 50.

We enter sniper alley and begin to increasingly hear of those in our wider circle getting sick.

I think this man has far too much power over you and how you see yourself.

I fear that you will increasingly be looking back with massive regret on years of being terribly thanklessly looking for an affirmation from randomers that have populated your life.

I would think spending money on a good psychologist or psychiatrist to move you forward.

You are very blocked by these issues which is so sad because you sound kind, wonderful, talented and accomplished.
All these mean little I realise if the voice in your head is louder.

I played tennis the other day with a great woman of 70 who is just out the other side of cancer and when I asked how she was, she said amazing.

She said all the years of stress and worry, ridiculously sweating the negative voice in her head just vanished, when she realised she was now in a fight for her life, completely alone.
She has quartered the number of people in her life, and has completely removed the concept of meeting obligations to others from her head....including her beloved children.
She said she has no idea what the future holds but she does know she will not be spending it meeting the needs of others.
She is putting her needs first, quietly and firmly, without fanfare.

It was a timely conversation for me personally.

Your friend sounds admirable.

We enter sniper alley and begin to increasingly hear of those in our wider circle getting sick

I know. I've already lost people in my wider circle. I know.

You are very blocked by these issues which is so sad because you sound kind, wonderful, talented and accomplished. All these mean little I realise if the voice in your head is louder.

That's the thing. That's how I see myself. I know it's how some of friends see me. It's how my partner sees me. I know that because he tells me.

But it still doesn't seem to be quite enough.

I can recommend a great book called "I know I'm in here somewhere", can't remember the author right now but I loved it

Then seeing someone highly qualified to help you move forward.

Now definitely some will challenge the following as pure quackery, but take a look at kinesiology for helping you with this.

It can be fantastic for some blocked people and I have a couple of friends whom call it life changing and transformational.
They had huge traumas.
Think adoption, emotional neglect, health issues and other stuff that they felt were enormously helped by an excellent experienced registered kinesiologist.

Also a friend of mines daughter was involved in a near death experience where a friend died and she was very blocked by what she had experienced and has been hugely helped.

So just might be worth looking into as an alternative therapy.

Deckings

Thank you.

"I think I am just a bit lost and trying to find my way through and not doing a very good job of it. On the surface, everything looks fine but, underneath, it's really not".

I think that's probably how many people feel - I know I do.

I think I would really like to go and live on an island, in a cosy little cabin (not a tent as I'm not insane) with no outside contact or distractions. Just listen to the waves, the seagulls and have no distractions or worries. Just be.
I used to think it was a little 'out there' when people go off to 'find themselves' - but I truly get it now. I need to find myself.

Is it a sign of the times and society today that makes us feel lacking, that we are not quite enough? I want a simpler and less complicated existence where I don't have to please anyone else except me. I don't want to get up and brush my hair that morning or shave my legs or use deodorant - I just want to be me, away from the trappings of societies expectations, get back to the absolute basics and find what is there - the real me, whoever that is.

I certainly will never allow anyone else into my life who makes me feel not good enough, who makes me question how I dress, act, style my hair or make-up. I'm not a slob but I just cannot be bothered with any of it right now.

Anyone up for an island retreat as I'm not brave enough to go alone yet? 😀