Is he with me for the wrong reasons?

[ComingFromTheSamePlace]

I've been with my partner for around 3 years.

He's told me I'm 'everything' he's ever wanted. We're both older (50 and 61).

Except that isn't true because I don't possess any of the actual qualities/features of women he's told me finds attractive or sexually appealing.

In fact, the only thing I'm confident he likes about me is that I've challenged some of his thinking and he now sees the world differently in some respects.

Like a university lecturer might challenge or change the way a student thinks.

But that doesn't really inspire physical attraction. I feel he is with me because his life is intellectually richer with me in it but that's about all.

Does it matter?

Pfft, I don't know!

Erm, I'm 5'4. About a size 12. I have hourglass proportions but not a nice hourglass figure. It's hard to dress without looking frumpy so I feel pretty limited in what I can wear. One of my friends once told me I looked like one of the Raggy Dolls (dolls made up of mismatched parts from the reject bin in case you're unfamiliar with the reference). I don't have a nice body anyway.

My face is pretty ordinary. I don't think I'm 'ugly' although I take a terrible photo so there are very few of me since about 1989 when someone pointed out to me that I look ugly in photos.

I think I look better naked than dressed but only from certain angles and it's all relative. I hide well in clothes so I think other people would probably think I look better dressed!

I have nice feet and slim ankles.

I look awful in profile. I look marginally less bad face on. My hair is wavy and about bra strap length but I always wear it down because I like to keep my face covered as much as possible. I like my nose.

I have quite good skin but I think my feet are my best feature.

Tbh, I don't spend a lot of time looking at myself. I don't often wear make up so i dont need to and just end up scrutinising myself and feeling worse. I just try to ignore the fact other people can see me all the time.

Oh dear lord. I expected you to say you were the size of a house, with a face like a slapped arse. Sorry, you need to stop thinking you’re the equivalent of Quasimodo with a melted face - but nobody here can help you with that. It’s in your head that you’re a boot. We can’t tell if you’re self sabotaging - though I do hope you’ve given those charming ‘friends’ the boot after these comments - or if your subterranean self esteem is due to childhood issues, exh issues/abuse, current partner subtle negginess but maybe therapy could help you understand why you are so self critical.

Probably just somewhere to clarify my thinking.

It's not that nothing has been said that I agree with but I can see it's not going to make any difference to how I feel or what I believe.

And I'm never going to get the clarity I would want or need from him.

And I'm not going to get the understanding I need for myself.

Surely the enjoying being with someone is a good reason to be with them?

Perhaps he has been with someone who is more his classic "type" but actually didn't enjoy talking to them and realised that wasn't what he wanted?

OP, you sound as though you are constantly analyzing your DP’s every interaction with other women and then viewing yourself through a negative lens because you have very low self-esteem. This sounds like a pattern in your relationships.
Perhaps your insecurities stem from childhood experiences, or maybe from something else; I suggest you consider therapy to try to find out why you feel as you do. You are articulate and obviously highly intelligent, yet you seem to be sabotaging your relationship by overthinking.

I bet you look lovely

Tbf, until asked, I didn't actually say anything about what I look like or how I feel about my appearance because that isn't the issue.

So your happy and confident in your body/appearance, but your with a man who you think isn't into you physically and its making you unhappy. Is that basically it yeah?

To my mind, its one of two things going on here.

Either your self esteem has taken a battering at some point and you don't feel worthy of him or he is making you feel that way.
Figuring out which one it is could be tricky so maybe a little soul searching is needed.

Did you feel this way in other relationships? What about your life when you are not in a relationship - is it content, satisfying, enriching for you? Have you always felt like this around him? Do you feel like this in other areas - maybe a girlfriend makes you feel inferior to her or the neighbours have a better lawn? Silly examples but you get the idea.

Try and pin it down in your own mind.

If it is him making you feel unattractive then listen to that intuition of yours - if something feels wrong, it usually is.

I'd agree with you except that the reason I'm struggling so much with this is that I didn't constantly analyse.

When I was with my ex husband, I wasn't even bothered that he didn't find me attractive. It just didn't ever matter. There was never angst or insecurity. We were best friends really. We realised that we didn't really fancy each other after a few months but stayed together anyway in an odd platonic relationship and then married. I think we both knew we'd separate one day and then I just assumed that I'd meet someone at some point who was attracted to me. It wasn't a problem.

My last boyfriend was an arse and, tbh, I did analyse that a bit until I ended it.

My partner now, I just accepted that he found me attractive. After all, he said he did and why else would be be with me? I wasn't even bothered initially when he mentioned someone he found attractive because I didn't think it mattered like everyone keeps saying. It was a slow dawning realisation that he was saying it a lot, that he was more than happy to tell what he finds attractive, that none of those things were me and that not only did I not tick all of his boxes but I didn't actually tick any of them... that I started to be more aware.

So this isn't something that I've imagined or created. It's something that was a slow realisation over a period of a couple of years.

Suggesting how I might change myself to be more attractive has been a feature of all three relationships.

It just sounds coherent now because I'm able to reflect on it with the benefit of hindsight.

I didn't say that either.

I didn't say anything at all about how I see myself.

Because that isn't why I posted.

Ok if you genuinely believe it's not your self esteem making you think negatively then I suggest you leave this relationship. If what you really want is a partner who is attracted to you physically and you feel you dont get this with your current partner and feel you never will, then you need to either be on your own or try to find what your looking for in a man x

This is where it can be confusing. We want a man who respects and values us for a lot more than our looks/bodies. But at the same time its completely normal to feel sad if your partner doesnt seem fully into you physically/sexually. Many couples are lucky and the balance is right but unfortunately not for everyone.

‘It was a slow dawning realisation that he was saying it a lot,’

I think you’ve found your own answer @ComingFromTheSamePlace

He’s chipping away at your self esteem.

I haven't had many relationships and I've already detailed the main three. I stuck with the previous one because I had been single for so long and I'd liked him from a distance for so long. And it was covid... But it didn't work because he was ultimately clear that I wasn't young, slim, pretty or sexy enough for him and he was embarrassed to be seen with me. So, once lockdown restrictions lifted and I realised this, I ended it.

My marriage had ended around 10 years before that.

My marriage didn't affect my self esteem. It was just a weird non-marriage friendship. He's happily remarried and I wished them both well and meant it. No hard feelings.

This relationship has stung me though.

I put my exh down to us just being incompatible and too daft to realise we should have waited for more.

I put my ex boyfriend down as an immature misogynist.

But my partner? I had my partner down as someone who was genuinely and holistically attracted to me. We'd already known each other for a few years. Everything just fell into place and was so easy and comfortable. He'd (apparently) liked me from afar for a while, we got on really well and, once we were together, got on even better than I'd have ever imagined. We'd only really spent time together in a group before.

You read about people saying that meeting the right person feels like 'coming home' and that's how it felt. Everything was just so easy.

I felt comfortable and confident around him. I trusted him. I had no reason not to and I wasn't bitter and damaged by my experiences. And it was all good. There were no great declarations, no great promises just slowly taking it as it came.

So when the first "X is really pretty" came, I didn't think anything of it. Or when "The Welsh accent is really sexy. I love women with Welsh accent" came, I wasn't hugely bothered.

The realisation that, hang on, none of these things he finds attractive or sexually appealing are me and none of what is 'me' are things he finds attractive dawned slowly.

And then when he said my friend was sexy, and he told me he'd never really seen me 'that way' anyway and he commented on how I could make myself more appealing (sexy) by dressing a particular way for my hobby...

Well, it started to feel less like a self esteem issue and more like a pattern I've seen before.

But I feel like I've been blindsided by it really. I just didn't see it coming. And, for the first time ever, the future just seemed to he writing itself and now I'm faced with the reality that it isn't what I thought it was, however long either of us sticks it out (me until I'm brave enough to stop feeling like this; him until he meets someone who does actually tick some of his boxes), it already has an expiry date.

And that's just quite hard to process and accept, tbh.

And, no, I don't have similar feelings elsewhere. I do feel like I don't matter but I think that's probably tied up.with a lot of things. But I don't compare myself to others and find myself lacking there, no.

It seems to happen in the eyes of others, but not my own.

It's really affecting how I see and feel about myself.

its the other way round OP, how you see and feel about yourself, is really affecting you. This thread is about you seeking confirmation for the negative way you feel about yourself, dressed up as your partner being the problem because you can’t admit your low self worth.

Sorry, I’ve just read your update.

He’s a knob and you should want better for yourself. Never be someone’s placeholder, you are the main event not the support act. Urg!!!

If you stay while feeling this way, it will only damage your self worth.

@ComingFromTheSamePlace I might upset people by asking this but- do you make any effort with your appearance? A nice haircut, make up or good skin care? Nice clothes, nice perfume? Could it be that he is maybe trying to drop hints. Just wondering as it's strange that this pattern keeps happening for you.

Me personally if I want a man to find me sexy I make the effort. Obviously its different in the long term but are you starting things off not "trying" in that way?

Have you got a good sex life ?

And then when he said my friend was sexy, and he told me he'd never really seen me 'that way' anyway and he commented on how I could make myself more appealing (sexy) by dressing a particular way for my hobby...

I think you should have opened with this OP, it kind of got a bit lost in the other details.

it sounds like potentially just a really nasty thing for him to say to you. I mean he's sleeping with you so he must see you 'that way'...?

unless I am misreading it and in context he meant he had never seen you dress up and put on makeup and he would like it if you did?

Some men can be very lacking in tact. I don't care if my DP comments on someone on tv having nice hair, body etc as I do the same with men. We still find each other attractive I hope. If it was a friend that would be different.
If he doesn't make you happy then end it, but you sound like you've remembered every bad thing anyone has ever said about you ever.
Looked awful in photos in 1989?! How's that relevant now, its 35 years ago!
Maybe you could try some different clothes, wear a bit of makeup, get a new hair style or colour, just to look different to yourself and have a change from your usual style? Not for a man, but for you.
You can be clever and attractive, it's not an either/or. I had some awful comments growing up, but looking back at photos I was lovely! Try not to dwell on nasty thoughtless comments, they mean nothing.

I don't mind you asking.

I am mindful of my appearance shall we say. My nails are always neat, tidy and filed. And usually with clear polish.

I don't really wear make up because I don't like the feel of it but I will use a bit of foundation, mascara and lip gloss at times. I've been quite lucky so far with my skin. It's healthy and people generally assume I'm a few years younger than I am. Not because I'm that elusive MN 50 year old who looks like a teenager 😉 but because I think I've so far been lucky with skin tone and wrinkles so no jowls or deep lines (yet...🤞🏻) I eat well, sleep well and drink a lot of water.

My figure is much like it's always been. Even when I've put on weight, my proportions have been the same. Personally, I'm happy with it.

I dress to suit my figure. I'm aware of what suits me and what doesn't. So I generally wear short wrap dresses or 50s style dresses from places like Yumi, Dolly and Dotty, Collectif. I usually wear DMs and Converse. I do have some nice shoes for when the occasion arises.

Me personally if I want a man to find me sexy I make the effort.

What effort though? (Curious, I'm aware that sounds a bit hostile! It's not supposed to 🙃)

I mean, I can see that I might not be every man's sexual fantasy personified but really, how many women go around dressed up like a male sexual fantasy? And they are still fancied by their partners. Aren't they? They're still enough.

I used to buy really nice underwear but it went unnoticed so now it's just M&S. Still nice M&S but nothing special.

But I will also admit that over the past 12 months, I've lost my confidence. I've realised I did wear make up more a few years ago but never really very often. I still have my hair cut/coloured regularly. I probably don't wear my nicer clothes as often. Just rotate the same few things (although they're all nice) and I'm inclined to sit on the sofa in an oodie nowadays.

But it doesn't matter. Underwear goes unnoticed whether it's nice and lace or silk or old and falling apart; I get the exact same reaction whether I dress nicely or change into an oodie. And I quite like sitting in an oodie after work. But that is a very recent thing. It was a Christmas present from someone.

I just don't really know what I'm doing wrong or getting wrong. Or have apparently.been getting wrong for a very long time.

No, he meant sexually attractive.

I mean, I was dressed up the night he said it because we were driving back from his friend's wedding reception (both sober).

OP, you're not doing anything wrong. You feel lost and critical of yourself because HE has made you feel that way and won't own up to it. I think if I was with a man who called my friend sexy and didn't say anything about how attractive he found me - I'd be lost and self-critical too. Please see that you deserve someone who loves you for you. All of you.