Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Are u sure he's out with his mates tonight!?

Don’t tell him you’ve been on the laptop.

I’d get your ducks in a row first. Find out as much as you can about bank accounts/ savings/ pensions etc he has. Because if he is confronted and thinks his marriage is at risk, he’ll hide as much as he can and change his passwords. Then you’ll be in the dark and at risk of being gas lit.

Carry on looking at the messages. Give nothing away for now. Take screen shots so he can’t deny it.
When you are ready, confront him by either saying she told you or your friend saw them.
Better still, as they get more brazen and fix up meeting places, you can turn up with a friend ( or MIL as @IberianBlackout suggested) and surprise him.

Then kick him out and if you’re planning on divorcing him, it will be too late for him to hide assets.

Before confronting him find and copy all the papers dealing with money, pensions, mortgage savings, will etc., just in case. Even see a solicitor to know where you and your DC’s future stand. Be prepared. Take care of yourself.

If it was me I would either have it out with him or wait until they have arranged to meet face to face and just turn up and see their reactions.

I couldn't keep my mouth shut if it was me. I wouldn't be able to read the messages and not say anything.

OP it doesn't look good and I'm sorry you're in this situation. Your DH will no doubt try to wiggle out of it, say it's harmless fun, there's nothing in it.

Read the script because I'm pretty sure he will follow it.

This is a great way to handle it.
Great post @BackwiththeBang

Take note of their next hangout date that they have arranged and turn up yourself.

I must say that I agree with the PP who mentioned making sure you have the financials in order before you confront him. At that point, you will be more sure what assets there are and can move to get some out for expenses if it goes south.

I am sure you are feeling very hurt, angry and confused. Why men (and women) seem to feel this need to be attractive to other people when they already have a partner boggles my mind. I hope you have screen shots or have taken phone pics of the messages, so you have back-up when you do sit down with him.

Wishing you the best as you deal with this. UnMumsnet {{HUGS}}

So sorry this is happening. I really feel for you. I find the situation so sad when your DH is arranging meet ups with this OW, she is massaging his ego, flirting with each other when all the while you are at home keeping everything together. You deserve better OP. The grass isn't always greener but if this situation carries on he will lose you and no doubt, down the line regret his actions but by then it will be to late. Don't put up with any nonsense. Stay strong.

were all here to support you through this OP! Thinking of you this evening, you’ve got this.

I wouldn't tolerate what he's been doing - he doesn't get to be in two relationships when he's made a commitment to you first. That romantic energy he's showing her should be yours and yours alone. It's cruel and it's deceitful. Not sure how you ever forgive or move past that, tbh. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

Hoping you’re ok and he doesn’t try to wriggle out of it. Remember your worth, nobody gets to make you feel second best.

PLEASE do this op!!

Seriously though OP, sorry he’s being an arsehole. I would seek legal advice and take screenshots so he can’t gaslight you. Then tell him you know about her and what they’ve been up to, and you want a divorce.

Good luck with your conversation OP.

Just bear in mind that even caught red handed and presented with evidence they lie,lie and lies some more. They swear on their children lives that “nothing happened”. They lie.

Get yourself to Chump Lady,there are all scenarios there and all the excuses,reasoning and lies they come up with. All there debunked beautifully. Great eye opener.

They just want the comfy set up, have their cake and eat it.

Wife at home for all the child rearing,housekeeping and boring shit that they find beneath them.
Exciting woman on the side for fun,laughter,sex,meals out and entertainment.

Great picture of “family man” working such long hours to provide…

Not necessarily affair yet, but potential to be one.

Speak to him, but not in a confrontational way. Keep your cool, appear curious but not angry. Many married folk (if not most) have flirtations which come to nothing or which dissipate over time.

Do you work close to him? Could you ask him if he wants to meet for lunch/ coffee at the same time as his next coffee date with her, just to see if he tells you about it/ her?

Excellent advice .. tell him you've seen the messages between them and he needs to move out now - clear the decks. He’s seeking an affair and that’s enough. Let’s see how keen he is about their coffee catch-up now his home life has taken a serious down turn x

I really would just confront him OP. This sounds like a classic emotional affair and no amount of ruminating is going to make this better. Honestly it also sounds like the type of emotional affair that could turn into a full affair so why delay on bringing it up? It’s crass and childish of him to be doing this and he deserves to be pulled up on this now.

Sorry OP. I've often said I'm all about saving marriages if at all possible. In this instance I don't know what to say. One thing is for certain I would demand he stops all communication with this woman. As others have mentioned this is an emotional affair which may or may not have become physical. I would give him an ultimatum and most importantly ask him to admit exactly what is going on. I'd also let him know if it carries on he will need to pack his bags.

To add,I don't think there is any reason to put off confronting him. I'd strike while the iron is hot. I'd also hide his car keys so he couldn't drive off until he heard what you have to say.

You’ve had some brilliant advice about the script and getting your ducks in a row. It’s really horrible but whatever he says - he’s not on your side any more.
Hope you are doing ok.

I caigjt my ex of 27 years in jan. I knew since Dec but he denied it. I didn't have evidence.. just a feeling. I had to catch him red handed otherwise he'd carry on denying it and calling me paranoid. If I were yiu..I wouldn't confront. Id slyly prepare in the background, act normal and get organised.. then id cofnornt woth the evidence ans what I woild do next..

Good luck. It's shit.

@GreenBiscuit25 unfortunately as I found ‘a lot ‘ of guys with on paper perfectly ok marriages cannot resist the flattery of a younger attractive woman - I think many do it as the secrecy seems like ‘fun’ - the idea any bloke doing it has a shit marriage as I found simply isn’t always the case- they just like the ego boost - pathetic really - my H admitted it was a bit of a buzz at a point in our lives where a lot of shit was hitting the fan - business issues, his mum dying etc - problem is whilst we stayed married for me it changed things and whilst not unhappy - I’ve never felt the same once I was aware he was capable of being a total twat

OP it must be hard not to say something to him,but logging in to the messages for a bit longer may show you more of a picture…..which can then burst his happy carefree bubble he thinks he is in with his colleague.

Definitely take photos of the messages if you can!
you sound very calm about it. Hope everything is going ok this evening.