Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Married people have sex in meeting rooms. I hope your DH hasn't yet done that. But it happens a lot.

So sorry to hear that you have uncovered these messages- it must be making you feel incredibly upset. For your own sanity it is probably better to confront him with what you have sooner rather than later - yes, get all your ducks in a row first, but the longer you leave this festering under the surface the more it will impact your health, mentally and physically.

Hope you are ok OP.

why don’t you type a message to her saying “mr green biscuit has left his laptop at home and I noticed the message so he won’t see your messages but I’ll be sure to pass onto him. Any shit from either of you and I’ll pass them all to your bosses”

It does sound like the early stages of a typical workplace affair. Total cliche. And not even indicative of problems in a marriage. Just a really selfish, arrogant shit of a man and an awful woman who is prepared to enter into a relationship with someone else's husband - even worse, the father of a 6yo. These aren't love stories - they are colleagues who have no self control and want to escape to the time when they were 19, forgetting that there are children in this who stand to be extremely damaged by their extraordinarily selfish actions.

When you confront him, I'd ask him why he doesn't want to live with your 6yo DS 100% of the time. Does he want to live with OW's two kids full time and see his own kid half time? The reality of affairs and breakups is horrible, once the morons get their head out of their arses and realise what they've actually gone and done, outside of their idyllic little affair bubble.

It's hard to determine from your post whether they've had sex. On the one hand, in this kind of scenario, once they are having conversations like you describe, they very well might have done. Adults don't tend to pussyfoot around, they just have sex.

If you do this, don't write the word shit!

and say nothing. If she’s got his number then she will text or otherwise he will find out when he next goes into work. You could delete the message after you send it for extra effect….

I was you 2 years ago - ten year marriage, kids, husband affair with work colleague. So firstly, huge hug coming your way. It’s super fresh so don’t put pressure on yourself to make any kind of decisions right now, you just do whatever feels right and safe for you at the moment. You are absolutely within your rights to ask for some space whilst you straighten things in your head and I highly recommend it.

And please know this - you did not choose this situation, no one would. BUT you get to choose how you handle it. That might sound small, but it’s not. It’s empowering as hell. This doesn’t have to define you, it may even be the making of you, as it was for me.

please feel free to private message me if you would like.

I would have printed out the whole conversation then confront him. Can't deny evidence.

I'm sorry, he's clearly investing way too much time and attention on her emotionally at a minimum, which is just not on. And he knows it as he's deleted her from the 'obvious' place you might accidentally notice her popping up - his phone - and doesn't mention her although he sees and talks to her all the time. Those are deliberate covering actions.

I'm sorry.

I think I'd say something like this. Hey DP, there's this guy I know. We are really friendly and have been messaging constantly. We tell each other loads of little things but I never mention you at all. We plan little meet ups and picnics as something to look forward to. He's a lot younger than you and the other day he described himself as wearing tight pants and I asked him to tell me more.

See how he likes that.

I’d surprise him by turning up at the meeting

This must be very stressful

What buggers these men are. You’ll be ok op he won’t.

Oh god I couldn’t keep my mouth shut if I were you but I’d end the relationship based on this also which I don’t think you’re ready to do so he lives another day

Just wanted to say I’m so sorry OP as I understand what you’re about to go through. The messages sound extremely similar to the ones I discovered with my exDH and his work colleague. It was like reading messages from some love sick teen.

@GreenBiscuit25

My advice is always to keep quiet and see a solicitor before confronting. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything', it's simply educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you. Armed with that knowledge you will be able to make an informed decision that is in your best interests. It may be to bide your time until you have better finances, it may be to kick his sorry ass out now because you'll be just fine. And it may be that after educating yourself you decide to try to save the marriage. So gather those financial papers and a snapshot of family incomings/outgoings and make an appointment.

The point is you'll have all your options before you when you confront him. The main thing that holds women back is the big 'what ifs'. But those won't be a part of your decision after that confrontation because you will already know 'what if' in your scenarios. Forewarned is forearmed. Knowledge is power.

Except the poor MIL would probably have a heart attack seeing what an idiot she’d spawned.

Honestly the piffle about tie combos and things. 🙄What a pair of mooning idiots. It’s like a badly scripted rom com.

… and when you confront him you can tell him @Calliopespa on MN said their love talk is cheesy and 🤨

Pair of grown up losers.

I did this over a week of finding out. Gathered evidence
Gathered all financials
Kept posting on Mumsnet ☺️ to keep my sane
Had a 30min free solicitors appt.
Planned day/time to confront
Planned my opening words

I will never forget his face when I said I know about you and 'said her full name' then paused

He turned white, first words 'I dont know what you mean'.

I looked at him and said very calmly, 'Dont insult or disrespect me anymore than you have. Its not up for discussion. I will give you one week to sort yourself somewhere to live, you can see 'child's name', as much as you want. My solictior said divorce would take 6-8 weeks tops'

He stood there with his mouth wide open!

Ok so I am very sorry @2chocolateoranges but would bet real money this is physical.

Very simple test:

Two people do not make up covering stories and secretly arrange and look forwards to being alone unless they are going to do something they can only do when alone.

He is like a teenager because he is full of hormones and in a bubble with this woman.

Who knows if he's told her even that he is married. If she was just a colleague and behaving like this, he'd have mentioned you to put her off.

I'm really sorry, @GreenBiscuit25 , but this isn't an emotional affair. This is a full-blown affair.

If you have the strength for it, you should let them set up their meeting, the picnic or whatever it is, and then you should observe them from a distance. Then you will find out everything.

I'd probably do that before saying a word to him. That way you'll know the actual truth, rather than the lies he will no doubt tell you.

I'm so sorry but this is textbook. This is how it happens. :(

The conversation then will be:
can he give her up?
do you still want him?

@GreenBiscuit25 I’ve been where you are , work colleague affairs, such a cliche. The trust has been broken, you will never look at him the same way again. Take your time, think about your next move - I am so sorry

I really think try to hold out, say nothing, take advice, and observe that upcoming meeting.

Oh, and check the phone bill, if you can access itemised.

:( so sorry

this
There are fantasies and scenarios that might feel good, but he is not to be trusted and you need to get ahead of this. Get the info and then be prepared to a t decisively. He cannot be trusted and you need to be able to protect your interests before the other woman can shake him from any feelings of guilt, Etc.

what is there to observe? whether they have had sex or not, he is a lying cheat.