Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

It definitely sounds like an affair. It also seems like he’s being very careless and not too worried about you finding out. Could you ask your mum to have your child so that you can have a proper discussion with him without the fear of your little one overhearing.

Don’t feel guilty for checking his messages - you’re hoping to save your marriage before it’s too late, gloves are off and he’s put you in this position.
From his point of view it will all be exciting and a big ego boost (shirt blazer combo….really?? men can be so dumb) perhaps when he’s realised he could be detonating his whole family he’ll think again.
DO NOT BE GASLIT INTO THINKING YOU'RE AT FAULT HERE! Stay strong!

Good luck OP. This is not on at all x

Ps don’t chuck him out just yet if at all - will be like throwing a dumb lamb to the wolf. Why throw them together before you’ve heard him out?
Be calm don’t overreact.

Don’t tell him you’ve been on his laptop and seen his messages, you’ll be on back foot and ‘in the wrong’ and he’ll then know exactly what you know and what he can hide. He’ll then change his password and you won’t know what’s going on. Be smart here!
Good Luck 💪

OP, there are a lot of battle-scarred women here - and I don't mean that in any way as derogatory, as I am one too!

Hindsight gives a wisdom that evades you when in the midst.

I can't give you anything more than the excellent advice already given; play your cards close to you chest, but ultimately know your own mind on this. Prepare for a DARVO response, don't be swayed by an emotional appeal.

From your posts, and I have RTFT, you seem like a strong woman - channel that - but whichever way this falls, things won't ever be the same. There will always be a doubt. I'm so sorry.

I wish I had MN when I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

I agree that you shouldn't tell him about the laptop. Burst his happy love bubble, tell him she told you.

You should not think twice about this. You have to have this info. Get your financials in order, see a lawyer, and take charge. You are already starting to realize he is not who you thought he was. So attentive and caring? But he doesn’t check in with you when sick and now you know he is a cheater. I am older than you and have been through this. It took me a year to find my anger and start to realize i have been extending way too much grace to my ex. If he could do this I bet he is a much less good husband than you have convinced yourself he is. You have a whole life in front of you. Fuck this asshole.

You could always say “do you think your colleagues are stupid and that you two are so slick? You are fools.”
But really Inwould say nothing and I would never let him know what I knew or how I found out.

Yeah they are like two teenagers- the stuff they both have come out with- she called him a poster boy and that he is dreamy- she’s definitely happy to play along with his flirting and then some- just can’t believe he would go on like that as a married man whilst at work- they’ve talked back and forth the whole day (never about work) and can’t imagine either of them has done much else. Oh and if anyone wondered they decided to pick somewhere for lunch she “has always wanted to go” I guess she just had to wait for someone’s husband to invite her!!

thanks again everyone for your support will keep you posted

It must be a terrible shock for you. He might be out with her tonight. I'd message him to come home immediately to discuss something that has come up that's urgent. When he arrives back I'd tell him you've received a telephone call from someone you don't know telling you he's having an affair at work with X. See how he reacts. If he tries to deny it you can follow up with screenshots. If he admits it and seems regretful. I'd give him option of leaving that workplace and finding another job and never having any more contact with X. If he refuses this I'd tell him your marriage is over because you can't trust him. I'd ask him to move out.

Sending you strength.

I hope he is honest with you

And sorry yeah to those who asked- our relationship has been ok- not massively different or anything so it’s definitely all come as a shock. But we are also 10 years into a marriage- so intimacy, sex etc is irregular and can come and go- but I figured we had just got to that stage in the relationship. Either way I can’t compete with a new woman 10 years younger with clearly lots of time to massage his ego and flirt with him all day- he should know better and should have shut it down straight away- or early on. I can’t believe he’s let it get this far

Invite your MIL for lunch at this new place they’re wanting to go so badly.

I'm so sorry OP, it's undeniable at this point. I hope he has the decency to be honest with you.

Like others suggested, I wouldn't let on just how much I know. Let him spill his own beans.

What an absolute arsehole.

That would be hilarious.

I’ve actually laughed at the MIL one- thanks for giving me a laugh for the first time since all this happened!

John dear, I’m not going to tell you how I know but you’re not as subtle as you think you are. People notice things. You’ve been distracted, your performance has slipped, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed at work. Affairs aren’t as private as you think when you’re sneaking around lying to your colleagues about where you are.

So go ahead, explain to me what you’ve been doing, and how you thought you’d get away with it when even your colleagues saw right through you.

And I’ve packed for you.

After putting up with it in the past I never would again, how will you ever trust him, you will be forever checking up on him.and will feel old fat and useless(that's how I felt) how will you move on or be intimate, how do you know he hasn't done this before I would tell.him to leave, let him know you are serious, I let my ex stay and for 6 months he just kept saying well it may happen again if I'm not happy!! She has nothing to lose she doesn't care

Sorry to hear that you've uncovered this. Before you talk to him make sure that you have copies of all the evidence you feel you need as I wouldn't be surprised if he changes passwords after you confront him.

Tell him you expect total honesty and transparency going forward and that you are not the one at fault for "snooping".

Also be prepared for The Script™- this thread might help, though it's almost 10 years old: Men & affairs - what is the script? | Mumsnet

Oh dear this is definitely shady behaviour op. The flirting is bad enough but the intention to meet up for these little secret meetings suggests they both want to take it further. I don’t think I could sit on this, I’d be having it out with him and making some pretty strong demands.

Don't tell him what you know. Tell him you know everything and that if he is not 100% honest with you right from the beginning then it'll be even worse for him than if he lies and you find out he was lying.

So sorry. What a pathetic piece of shit he is.

I'd wait and find out more information before saying anything!! I let my ex partner think I didn't know he was arranging to meet an ex colleague...watched what they were saying for 6 weeks and then confronted him!! Screenshot everything they've written you'll need it to
motivate you when or if you do leave him.
Good luck!!