@GreenBiscuit25
You need to be emotionally prepared for the likelihood that he will deny, minimise and gaslight. He may genuinely believe he’s done nothing wrong—claiming she’s just a friend or a colleague he’s supporting. But more likely, he knows it’s inappropriate, and he’s too deep in to let her go, so he’ll lie and deflect to protect himself.
Expect standard responses like:You’re being controlling, You’re overreacting, there’s nothing going on. You had no right to go through my messages. (This is why it’s better not to reveal how you found out). It’s all in your head. And the classic DARVO—Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
If he accuses you of being controlling tell him that wanting honesty and respect in a relationship isn’t controlling. ‘ I’m reacting to your choices which have broken my trust. You’ve invested time and emotional energy behind my back, you’ve been sexual and you’ve broken our vows - that is the definition of cheating ’
If he denies or downplays what’s happened tell him ‘I’m not asking if it happened—I know it has. I have irrefutable proof, and I know how it has made me feel. I’m shocked that you can’t see the damage your actions have caused. This is about the future of our relationship and our family, which you are going to loose if you carry on.’
If he tries to turn it around and blame you, shut it down tell him ‘this conversation isn’t about me. It’s about your actions and their consequences’.
Stay grounded in what you know to be true:
- He’s arranging secret meetings and ongoing communication.
- He’s giving time, attention, and emotional intimacy to another woman that should be directed toward you and your relationship.
- He never mentions you to her, despite being in a committed relationship.
- He’s using sexual language and sharing fantasies with her.
- He kept her hidden, which shows she’s important to him in a way he doesn’t want you to know about.
No matter what he claims, this is not innocent.
You don’t need his permission to validate what you feel. He has two choices:
- Acknowledge that what he’s done is wrong and take meaningful action to make amends.
- Continue to lie, deflect, or defend the relationship—and in that case, you need to decide whether you can stay in a situation where your trust, boundaries, and emotional needs are being ignored.
He’s emotionally invested in her. Without accountability it will always be unfinished business. And if he only ends it because you forced him to, without any reflection or remorse, he’s likely to become resentful.
He needs to realise what he’s at risk of losing. Good luck tonight - keep your cards very close to your chest.