Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

@Thewookiemustgo your posts are always so insightful and I’m sure helpful to those currently dealing with betrayal.

When my friends H was caught having an affair he ended it with his AP to try to save his marriage. When he told his AP she threatened suicide. He admitted later on that at that point in his mind if reconciliation with his wife had proven too difficult his plan was to try with the AP. But after she tried to manipulate him with threats of self harm, the scales truly fell from his eyes and he realised he didn’t know her at all and she wasn’t someone he would have around his children regardless of what happened in his marriage. I think at that point, realising he had destroyed a good marriage for a fantasy was overwhelming and he moved heaven and earth to make it right.

Backup is nearly always the AP if they’re left on their own. Always shaky though because the AP then knows she’s definitely plan B. Some APs won’t take them back if they try to go back to their wives, or hang in there if they’re married and their husband throws them out for the same reason. They know it’s pointless.

My husband didn’t tell his AP I’d found out on the day I confronted him because he was terrified I’d throw him out and he’d be left with nothing.
She was confused because she could tell something was wrong, he had seen what he was teetering on the edge of losing and had mentally checked out really. She panicked that he was ending it (she was right, he wanted out but was scared she’d contact me) and pushed harder for him to leave, but in doing so showed her true colours. Her ‘poor darling, I can wait’ patience and understanding evaporated overnight and basically said she didn’t give a shit about him upsetting me or our children because we’d “get over it anyway and you’re going to dump them sooner or later so why not now?” He realised she wasn’t who he thought she was, it was an act, she wanted him
and his wallet and my life and didn’t care who got hurt, he was being played and ended it there and then.

Great post .

OP I’m so proud of your strength, no judgement from me as to what you decide - I sit watching my friend. Her H is partner at a law firm and he has worked his way through so many of the staff. Mind you they were all willing and naive (it seems he tells them he has a dead bedroom and live as a house share for the sake of the kids - who are late teens). My friend turns a blind eye to it but really she’s just worn down as she doesn’t want her life to change, nor leave her beautiful home. I just think he’s a selfish shit. I’ll never look at him the same way again, Screwing around for the best part of a 19 year relationship.

I hope you’ve got some support IRL. Your friends will be there for you if do decide to separate. He doesn’t sound as though he appreciates you - he’s only thinking of himself. You deserve more 🌺

How are you doing @GreenBiscuit25?

I'm so glad I caught my ex with rhe ow at rhe same time. Then he can't bullshit her because she heard me say, pack your shit from my house and fuck off...you both deserve each other...
Otherwise he'd have told her that he dumped me for her!

Hope you’re ok. @GreenBiscuit25

Thanks to those who’ve asked.

Well it’s not gone well- we met this week to talk things over whilst son at school-

he let slip they had been out together this week despite everything. I asked for the truth and he owed me that at least- he said they went for lunch together snd sat on a park bench talking- I asked him exactly what happened snd he said they talked. He told her about what’s been happening at home and our current living situation. He said they talked about family, goals etc. I asked him if anything physical has happened and he said no but admitted they had walked and sat close together and “may have brushed against each other a few times”

i asked if they still messaged and if they had messaged on instagram. He said they had although he was trying to minimise messaging they still needed to speak sometimes for work.

he said he would not meet up with her anymore or message her unless it was work related.

I was furious he had continued to see her despite everything! I think he thought because he told the truth that I would be more sympathetic. But I’m not because he’s used the time apart to see her again- go on another date and spend time confusing with her about our marital problems!

so at this point I honestly think all trust is gone, I have got more advice on divorce and finances and planning to go down that route. I don’t think I trust he won’t meet up or message her- he clearly can’t stay away even for a couple of weeks when his marriage is on the line.

He’s full of shit and trying to play both fields.

Any chance of recovery from this injury would have to start with him changing jobs and cutting off all contact. He’s obviously not ready or completely unwilling to do any of that.

Well I’m sorry to hear your update. I’m not surprised you’re furious. Meeting up with her this week was certainly an unwise decision on his part and illustrates his strength of feeling for her.

I can’t see how there’s any way back for him if he’s still making arrangements to meet, talk about life goals with this woman. It would have been hard enough to go forward and repair the damage if he’d had knocked the whole thing on the head, but he hasn’t.

He’s not exactly fighting for your marriage is he? I’m so sorry but I do think you have your answers sadly.

I’m so sorry OP. Awful behaviour. I’m so angry on your behalf. What an idiot. Does he not think you were serious about ending your relationship over this or does he not care?

So he told her he is separated from his wife because he couldn’t stop talking to her. I bet she loved that. What a love story. 🤢

You must have the total ick. He’s in the throes of an emotional affair if not more. As painful as this must be you are right to go down the route of divorce. Anything less and it’s telling him you will accept this treatment.

I'm so sorry OP. You sound so lovely and he does not deserve you. You deserve someone loyal that you can trust who puts you first always. He is following the script to the letter. Have you told his mum?

OP - so sorry, especially as what I have to say isn't great.

The only way forward is for him to change jobs (or for work to sack her, but this is unlikely) and for him to never speak to her again. Now, the official way to come to this conclusion is to go to couple counselling and thrash out the marriage problems, but whether you do it the "proper way" or not, that's where you are going to end up.

It's not great, but either he wants you or her; it's a binary decision. The sooner he makes that choice, the better for everyone concerned.

I don't think it's whether he wants her or his affair partner - that's irrelevant and at this point it's not the only choice being made. The only choice for OP now is does she want him. And I don't think she does.

Very sorry, @GreenBiscuit25, it sound hard. But you sound like a strong person who will work this out and decide in your and your child's interests what to do for the best. I hope you're OK and have support IRL.

I think he’s lying to you to spare your feelings - he won’t admit the truth sadly. I don’t believe he’s not done anything physical.

I can’t believe he’s gone and met her and has continued contact with her! Why would he do that when your marriage is on the line? Who in their right mind would think it’s a good idea to go and do the thing that is causing such problems in your marriage and is causing such upset to your wife? OP, does he seem bothered about the upset he’s causing you or the situation you both find yourselves in due to his actions, or is he justifying it/minimising it?

I do also wonder if something more did happen between them this week when they met, and he thinks by telling you the half truth of having met with her that you’ll appreciate his honesty and not doubt that more happened. But why oh why he’d think you’d be OK with them even meeting, I don’t know! Does he not realise that that is and has been enough to cause these problems, and yet here he is, doing it again! If he didn’t understand it after your previous conversations, he either never will or he just didn’t respect you enough in the first place to take you seriously.

Joke of a man. You sound like you deserve far better than this OP. Good luck.

Hasn’t learned a thing. In complete denial.
Incapable of seeing it.
I’m so sorry. Another selfish fool throwing his life away.
Currently he’s got no intention of stopping this.
Prioritise yourself now and keep going forward with your plans.

So sorry to hear your update. As people have said, the fact that he hasn't been able to stay away while his marriage is on the line is telling.
Even telling her about your marital problems is an issue as far as I can see. If they were friends it would be one thing but they are having an emotional affair at least!

Good idea to have been getting advice regards divorce and finances. Do you think he has any idea that this is what you are thinking? Have you heard from his family at all?

You are right, my mistake and I have no idea why my pretty little head placed OP as the weak woman at home fighting for her man. Mea Culpa! I think that I was swayed by the story of him fessing up to having further romantic trysts, & I was carried away with the thought that OP must put a stop to this .........

OP you are too good for this nonsense! Get rid.

I think it's really easy to default to the idea of 'what the man has to do' and the idea that ideally everything would go back to normal. But I also think that might be a bit outdated. We are no longer in a world where women can't manage perfectly well without a man in tow. We are in a world where women do have choices even though the prevailing atmosphere around us all is what you articulated in your other post! I don't think it's you at fault, btw. It's society's expectations, which are still skewed in favour of men unfortunately.

I’m sorry oP😔

I think the “we might have brushed against each other” tells you everything: if it’s not yet physical, it’s poised to be. We all know what that brushing is like.

I actually feel he told you that for a reason. No, it’s not a full admission of guilt, but it’s not a thing he would be admitting unless in two minds about salvaging the marriage. It’s not enough of a “fact” to warrant disclosing if he was desperate with fear about you leaving him.

I think he’s feeling it will be easier if you do the dirty work of leaving while he’s in the innocent position of having done nothing more than “maybe brushed” against her.

Bon courage op.

I agree about discussing his marriage with her at this time.

Its almost as if he’s sounding her out.

I know we are blaming him … but still: what kind of woman has the lack of decency to sit and listen through that and still indulge in a bit of “ brushing up against” him? Only a woman with her sights firmly on him I’d say.

As painful as this must be, you are doing the right thing OP.
I love the way you are so rational, you didn't do things in a rush. You really took one step at the time to know what's best.
He doesn't deserve you. He really doesn't
He is so incredibly immature, he is not for you.
Try to visualise yourself and your son in 5 and 10 years time. You won't know yourself.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Trust yourself. You are strong, you will go through this x

What a very, very disrespectful man.

I don't think there's any going back from this. He's disrespected your marriage when he should be in absolute turmoil and horror trying to save it.

You sound lovely and you deserve so, so much better. Let her have him - she probably won't want him anyway and then he can slowly realise what he threw away for nothing. Be kind to yourself - you will feel better I promise.