Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

well done OP. As above make it clear that if he wants to work on your marriage he needs to cease all contact with this OW immediately. Take time to think about your options.

Yeah he’s said so many times but nothing physical happened or we didn’t do anything- is this just a guy thing? To think that cheating is just about sex? Reading about what they’ve been doing- it’s more like they are dating and in the early stages of a relationship- that’s way worse to me than just sex- not that I’m saying that’s ok too- but it’s as if he’s justified the whole thing in his head as long as they don’t have sex they can do what they want!! I’ve tired not to reply to him a lot of the time but I’ve just told him to use the next week at his mums to think about what he wants, if he actually wants to be with me or this other woman. If it’s with me then dating someone else is not ok!! I feel like I shouldn’t have to say that!!

Having to spell things out means he's either trying to worm his way out of this or he really doesn't understand that what he's done is complete betrayal. I had to spell things out to my H too, a mahoosive red flag x

@GreenBiscuit25 I’m afraid this was my experience too - they only seemed to think it was ‘more of a deal’ if it was physical - not the fact they were making secretive arrangements or investing time and affection on someone else - I actually found it more upsetting

Not saying this is the same but I had a friend who was having an affair with a married work colleague. She thought he was ‘her person’ and ‘the one’ and blindly ignored the fact he was married with children. She confided in me and I said ‘this needs to stop his poor wife’ but she continued and would often cry to me about it. He totally led her on and said not happy in my marriage only there for the kids etc. and that ‘you understand me like no one else’ …anyway, they used to do this - work lunches, dates, etc. nothing physical happened at first but she wanted it to. And so did he obviously. Then the line got crossed and sexual texts started. Then they slept together one night - then he went back to his wife afterwards that night. And his wife totally suspected it the whole time and called it out but he told her she was paranoid. The point im making is trust your instincts. Men can compartmentalise things so easily until they get caught or guilt catches up with them (he ended up having a breakdown apparently from the guilt). Affairs are so stupid, pointless and damaging to everyone.

Full disclosure mine did this to me, however I was able to be certain of no physical contact because I could be sure they did not meet in person (distance and logistics would prevent)

He moved out, got counselling, cut off all contact with AP, began medication for his mental health issues, and came home 1 month later. I know he is still heartbroken about how he treated me, even though a few years have passed, but I’ve been able to move on and forgive (in as much as is possible).

The situation forced us to look at how we both behaved in the relationship, and how we failed to prioritise our relationships and look after ourselves properly too. However, ultimately It was 💯 his choice to behave this way, and he has always taken responsibility for that, and between this and knowing that he didn’t cross the physical line, we were able to work through it.

There can be a way through this together, but only if he can take responsibility for his actions and be completely honest. But equally, if the trust is broken and you can’t get it back, then you can just tell him to leave and never come back. Whichever you decide, please do not let him make you feel responsible for any of this, and do not let him continue as is with this woman. He needs to get away from her or lose you.

They only ever admit the minimum, OP. He knows you know about the messaging and lunch dates so that’s all he’s prepared to discuss.
My ex was one for buying expensive gifts - I found out about those by checking credit card statements.

Yeah I think the only way you can move on if this happens is if there is full honestly and full disclosure. I was able to view all messages, and I have access to all bank accounts as everything is shared so no worries on that front. Without full transparency I don’t think I would be able to have worked through it

It's not just a guy thing, that's how he's been justifying it to himself all along. Call it Cheater's logic. Now it's "nothing physical has happened so it's fine", then it's "we only slept together once, it's fine", then it's "we've only slept together a few times, it's fine" and probably a bunch of other crap about being a great dad and provider "so it's fine".

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this OP and that he's chosen to double down on your pain by gaslighting you. I think you need some space now and to set a boundary of no more texts or calls unless it's about our child. And tell him that you have a decision to make now, if this is what he has to offer in a marriage. That he has broken his marriage vows and your trust with his emotional affair and you're not going to stand for it any longer. So unless he can find his moral compass during this refleftion time and come back ready to make amends, it's not looking good for your marriage.

He’s been actively dating another woman.

Conversing with her for hours each day, flirting with her, arranging secret rendezvous, lying to you about his whereabouts and activities.

Would he really be ok with you doing the same? Joining an online dating site, spending hours messaging other men? Meeting up with them in secret for picnics and cosy chats behind your H’s back while he’s at work or with the kids. Is that honestly what he’s trying to use in his defence? That he’d be fine with you doing what he did?

Because I beg to differ.

He may not have put his penis in her (or he could be keeping that a secret too) but he certainly ploughed a lot of time, energy and effort into her; way more than he was putting into his relationship with you or your child.

Regardless of what he says, most people correlate the amount of effort you put into a relationship with how much they care/love you. How many special dates had he set up with you recently? Less than with his gf I’d imagine 🤷‍♀️

Yes honestly the thought of that hurts me more than anything- even if he said they had sex or kissed or whatever- it’s the fact she is getting all that side of him- the charming, fun guy who plans thoughtful dates, looks forward to them etc. it’s as if I’m the thing he needs a break from- as if I’m just an extension of work/responsibility and she is the cure!

Oh OP, I’m sorry he’s trying to minimise this.

On top of all the emotional intimacy and closeness, she was teasing him about being topless, and he responded, before later telling her that he hadn’t been able to concentrate all day because he’d been thinking about her bare breasts.

On what planet is that harmless chat?!

Maybe something physical has happened, maybe it hasn’t. But even if not, they were well on their way to it with secret meets, constant messaging, and sexually loaded conversations about her tits.

Only you can decide how you want to move forward and what it will take to trust him again - especially bearing in mind they’ll still be working together.

If he thinks he's done nothing wrong then there's nothing else to say,

If he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, how would he feel if you had been chatting to a male colleague, arranging days out, commenting on his body and saying you can’t get him out of your head.

im sure your husband would have a problem with that!

As well as telling him to think about what he wants, you should make it clear that you also have a choice to make. Don’t let him think he’s in a position to pick which woman he wants.

Has he offered to cut all but essential work contact with her?

What does his mother think of all this?

That’s exactly how I felt when I found that stuff my H had written and recorded- made me feel somewhat second rate and something he couldn’t wait to escape from - and words hurt more than anyone can say

I agree with others, the hours he has spent talking to the OW, planning meetings ups, saying that ‘they give him something to look forward to’ is a betrayal despite him saying nothing physical has happened….
The amount of effort gone into maintains this ‘friendship’ is massive, I’m not sure why he doesn’t understand, maybe he does deep down inside.
Hope is Mum is able to point it out if he doesn’t. You’re doing an amazing job of keeping it all together, I’d be alternating between sobbing and wanting to dig his heart out with a spoon!

Years ago when my ex-husband cheated on me, it wasn't the thought of sex between them that I found hardest to deal with, it was all the planning, the talking, the emotional intimacy. I got over the sex pretty quickly but I could never forget thinking of them organising it, walking to the room together, the personal stuff. I hate to say it but if you do forgive you really won't forget. It will eat you up. Please think long and hard about what you do next.
You said you texted him to ask him who he wants. Why the hell is that his decision to make?
We're all on your side xx

@GreenBiscuit25 it shouldn’t take him a week to work out what he wants - he should be begging for you now and the fact it doesn’t sound like he cares particularly either way must be even more painful - but also shows you where he stands (either in denial or actively checked out).

And if it’s all just fun he should have no problem cutting off contact outside of essential work. Have you asked / has he offered that?

Once you’ve got all your docs gathered and have spoken to a solicitor I’d let him know that you are actively considering divorce and have sought legal advice. He sounds so far into denial now that he’s done anything wrong that reconciliation at this point would be impossible. But the shock of the divorce and knowing you mean business could be a wake up call.

Wonder if he goes and stay with this other woman

Yes sorry I perhaps misquoted what I actually said- something like I need time and space away from you to think about what I want and suggest you do the same. As it stands having read the content of the messages and discovering he’s basically dating this other woman I don’t see how I can trust him again!

That’s the problem isn’t it. How do you square all the nice guy, charming guy planning thoughtful rendezvous arrangements, matched with their shared excitement between themselves.

It’s such a betrayal. It’s not some drunken one night stand at a work conference or similar. It’s actively emotional with a need to interact throughout the day constantly. Shared intimate emotions.

Then you compare to what you are given in the evening and the difference is palpable. That’s really hard to accept especially since he’s not showing significant remorse and trying to downplay the entire situation. Coupled with the actual lying and then semi remember certain things when confronted with your knowledge of actual facts.

If he’d held his hands up and admitted all it might be slightly different.

At this point he’s not shown you anything to suggest you can trust him going forwards. He doesn’t see anything wrong with dating someone else. You understandably do. The longer he plays this ‘there’s nothing to worry about you are overreacting’ card the harder it will be to come back from this. He’s either in denial, still thinking he can worm his way out of it without admitting wrong doing or he has checked out and is gaslighting you so he doesn’t look like the bad guy that broke the marriage.

If that’s the case good luck to him in his new relationship with his single mother and kids that aren’t his. If he will do it to you, the mother of his child, he won’t be faithful to her. She’s a fantasy and as soon as the day to day reality hits with bills, parenting etc he’ll realise he is in the same position but just poorer, and now has less time with his own child. What an idiot.

Continue with low contact. Don’t send or respond to any emotional texts. Keep it factual and brief.

Are you sure he is at his mums? I would not trust him. Many men in this situation will say I might as well do what she thinks and go right to the OW. I would let his mum know what is going on. I cant imagine his mum thinking it is okay for her son to be fantasizing about another woman topless and dating her while shirking his work responsibilities with his wife at home. How did he even explain that away? I would tell him to not contact you until he has something to say besides denial and that in the meantime that you will be seeking advice from a solicitor to see where you stand.

He should be on hands and knees begging you and doing everything to move the earth to get your forgiveness. He is not and that tells you that he knows he is very guilty and is the one who wrecked your life. He really is a wanker. You deserve so much better than this pathetic man.