Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

I couldn’t get past this, he was thinking he was so bloody clever leading two lives and totally disrespecting you and the life you’ve built.
he would be out if this was me, I couldn’t look him in the face again.

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through similar around 5 years ago but the other woman was my friend I gave her my job while I went on maternity leave. The first thing I found odd was he brought her a bike. Then he would mention her all the time too but never our other employees. Then came his change in moods causing arguments over little things finding fault in everything I did and everything about me. I eventually couldn’t take it and told him to leave. I asked about her and he kept saying they were just friends - that old chestnut! Even when she told me things were not good with her husband, I told my husband and he said why would she tell you that she would of told me if things were not good. Red flag and I still didn’t see it. Whilst we were split I eventually got into his phone bills, found they had been texting from 5am in the morning through to late at night even when he had our kids. Even before we split and were On a family holiday. I confronted him about it and he said it was for work. The stupid thing I did was take him back after a year. And still he couldn’t be honest or remember things to do with it all and seemed like he had dementia around the subject of her. He used what the other ladies call DARVO on me a lot. I see that now.

5 years on and ever since he’s been controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive. He’s always been that way really but it’s only now since having counselling and doing the things that made me happy that I can now see it all so much clearer. The other day he called me a fucking cunt in front of our youngest and something snapped. We’re getting a divorce I need to be happy and not walk on eggshells anymore.

im only telling you all this because you can save yourself these years that I’ve wasted by feeling to much fear to leave. I didn’t want to feel like a failure so I stayed when I should of left. I should of respected myself more. Xx

I'm not proud of this, but many years ago I had an affair with a work colleague (both in relationships), our messages to each other weren't directly incriminating, but sound very much like the messages between your H and OW - excited, frequent, talking about our lunchtime meetings. Those meetings were basically driving to a secluded spot in his car and getting hot and heavy.

It feels like a betrayal because that’s exactly what it is. He’s betrayed your trust in him and even now, he doesn’t sound particularly remorseful. Saying he can’t remember the meet ups when he most obviously can, tells you what a cheating liar he is.
Who knows if it’s been physical (I’d imagine it has) but even if it hasn’t yet, it was only a matter of time before it was. I imagine at the very least it’s been kissing and holding hands etc. Quite probably more though. I’m really sorry he’s putting you through this. The prick.

I disagree with pp's saying you need hard evidence to leave him. You have all the evidence you need to see that he is behaving like she is more important than you and he has no boundaries in your marriage.

Unless he bends over backwards to make this better, takes responsibility for his actions and sorts himself out so he understands why this happened and ensures it won't happen again. I wouldn't bother, otherwise you'll always wonder if you're his 2nd choice

@GreenBiscuit25 I'm so sorry your "D"H - the man who's supposed to love and cherish you and your DC above all others - is doing this to you OP. You must feel absolutely blind-sided by his betrayal - I know I would.

So, just to recap, when you had it out with him he:

• denied everything, saying he didn't know what you were talking about
• didn't admit he'd been messaging her hundreds of times a day
• said the flirtatious messages were "just a bit of fun"
• denied having any outings with the OW and then, vaguely, "remembered" a couple where they were just "blowing off steam" (I wonder how they did that exactly? Just walking?)
• said he was sorry for you "being upset", but not for what he's done (because that would require him acknowledging the full extent of it)
• hasn't admitted they already have another meet-up planned
• told you off for accessing his work laptop

I'm sorry OP, but until he falls on his sword, admits everything (100% honesty) and begs your forgiveness, there's nowhere to start from in saving your marriage. He needs to understand this. How will you ever be able to trust him again if he doesn't grasp the enormity of what he's done to you and your DC? Personally, I think it's irrelevant if they've been physical yet - the intent is clearly there and his "I would never cheat" claim is just another lie. He needs to understand - really understand - that taking FULL OWNERSHIP of his behaviour, sincerely apologising for it, committing to changing it and working every day in whatever ways it takes to make you, your marriage and your DC his number one priority, is the only way your relationship and family life can be salvaged.
Keep your boundaries strong OP - I hope he comes to his senses. Best of luck. 🤗

Your story has inspired me and made me realise that I'm not being unreasonable. My H broke my trust (more than once) and I just can't get past it but you've made me realise that I'm perfectly justified to feel that way x

Whatever you decide to do, don’t fall for any subsequent lies he tells. When you confronted him, he lied to your face about the extent of things. Barefaced lies. Therefore, you cannot ever trust that you will have the truth of what’s really happened. You’ll never know whether he’s had sex with her if he denies it. There is nothing to make him admit it and no evidence - and he has proven that he will tell outright lies when he thinks he can get away with it. It’s a very difficult situation to be in. Because the only way you can find out what’s happened is if he tells you. But he has lied about this issue. So how can you ever know that any confession is full and true? You just can’t. You may still decide to save your marriage or leave him - good luck with whatever you decide.

There's not a snowballs chance this is not physical either. By the time they are communicating in that vein, there's no chance they are having chaste cups of coffee and discussing Colefax and Fowler wallpaper.

I think you have to accept you will never know the extent of what has happened up to this point.

And while it’s important to be sure that whatever was happening will no longer continue, you do really need to sit with your feelings and take time to consider whether you can let it go and move forward without holding resentment.

Forgiveness isn’t letting him back into the home and staying married. It’s letting go of the hurt and pain whilst continuing to invest in your relationship. This isn’t something you can control or force. It isn’t a logical decision your brain can make.

If you find you can’t forgive that is ok. You didn’t ask to be put in this position. It’s up to him to heal the hurt caused and he may not be up to the task, or the task may always be too great. But staying married when you can’t forgive is a choice and one that will destroy you both.

Take time to really process how you feel and what you want the outcome to be.

I wouldn't let that man back into your home until his tune changes and he's owned up to everything, apologised, shown remorse and an understanding as to why it is a deep betrayal, shown evidence of cutting off contact with OW, given you unlimited access to his phone and passwords and signed up for counselling.

Counselling of his own, and then you both need to be in couples therapy. No reputatable therapist worth their weight is going to let him away with disrespecting you like this and getting off scott free.

He’s proven he’s not sorry for what he didn’t. But he does feel sorry for himself, Time to get rid.

I'm not surprised you feel betrayed.
Firstly there's the betrayal of his actions with his colleague, then there's the betrayal of minimising and pretending (lying) about meet ups and arrangements.

It's like a double whammy of disrespect, betrayal and avoidance of the truth.

Without a full dose of remorse and the truth it must be extremely hard to see a way forward as the trust has been shattered.

You’re FAR from ok.

You are STILL in the situation. How can you put up with this?

@wonderingwonderingwondering the problem is sorry doesn’t always make it ok again nor does therapy. Something mentally shifts - it’s a really individual thing, as many have said an emotional fling if that’s what it is can for some feel much worse than a drunken one off shag at a conference etc

I couldn’t get past this… sorry OP this is rubbish and you must be feeling awful.

How are you doing op?

I don’t know about this.

I shamefully had an emotional affair like this in the distant past, and if my partner had asked me this question I was so wrapped up in my AP, that I wouldn’t have given a shit if he was also messaging someone else.

Have to agree with the above poster, people in affairs are so selfish and obsessed at the time that next to nothing has an impact.
Consequences that have detrimental effects are the best course of action.

Hope you’re ok op

Hell yes.

He came over to see our son today and take him out for the day. But I’ve not really wanted to see him, talk to him, let him back in the house other than that. He’s messaged a lot to say nothing physical happened etc- I said you’ve already lied to me about the dates you two had- the fact you planned them, blocked your diaries out- made sure it was just the two of you and kept it secret from your managers etc. then you were busy planning another one when I read the messages. Apparently she picked somewhere for lunch she’s always wanted to try! And he forgot all about it! So anyway I said I don’t believe him anyway but even if nothing physical had happened it might well have done next time or the time after that etc. and even without that the amount of time he has spent chatting to her, making plans, coming up with things to look forward to- when he’s invested very little of that in me and our marriage is arguably a bigger issue anyway!! He still doesn’t seem to get why what he’s been doing is such a big deal. Anyway I’ve told him to stay at his mums this week- he will still be taking son to school/picking him up a couple of days but other than that he can stay there. I’m getting some initial legal advice this week and been trying to find details of savings, mortgage, credit cards etc

@GreenBiscuit25, you did an ace job of confronting your wayward H.

As for his response, he couldn’t be less remorseful. Instead of being sickened about inflicting this pain, coming clean, and taking full responsibility for his faithless behavior, he scrambled to protect their relationship via his lying, downplaying and obfuscation. He is a very poor candidate for an authentic reconciliation.

I would be livid. He’s been enjoying their cozy bubble and working overtime to make OW feel adored, yet pretends to you that they ‘might’ have gone out as friends to blow off steam. And his only being sorry that you feel upset at his ‘bit of casual fun’? Spare me. He knows that it was highly inappropriate to tell OW that the thought of her breasts had caused him to lose his concentration at work. He knows that pouring his energy into their connection and planning/enjoying the secret dates that they ‘need’ is a betrayal of you and your child. I imagine he would be apoplectic if you were doing the same with an OM.

Kudos for sending him to his mother’s. He doesn’t get to unilaterally change the parameters of your marital boundaries and bring in a third person. He needs to understand that you will not even consider reconciling until he cuts off OW, changes jobs, provides open access to all devices and statements, and digs deep in IC to examine his flaws that enabled his cheating and lying.

@GreenBiscuit25, it speaks volumes that he has now blocked transparency by shutting down your access to his laptop. He is still ‘in infidelity’. That would be it for me.

make sure he knows that this is not a free pass to do something with her because you’re ’on a break’ and that if you were able to work through it and decide to give your marriage a try then any infidelity or contact beyond now would be an absolute end to your relationship.

Yep, its really not relevant that 'nothing physical happened'... the intent is absolutely there, and the investing of time and emotion into a relationship (of any kind) with this person and not with you... thats whats unforgivable. Thats why you're done with him.