Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

I can see the utility of this with a hotel, I agree.

But if you are going to play a trump card, I think you need to know it is a trump.

It's complete betrayal. Prioritise you and your child, let him get on with it. I'm getting my ducks in a row before I make any concrete plans but whatever happens, I'll never look at my H the same way. I've lost all respect as I deserved so much better and you do too x

He knew what he was doing was wrong, that's why they needed to be discrete. If it was innocent and they believed they were doing nothing untoward, they'd be meeting openly.

It would also piss me off that he is messing about so much at work. I have never had job where you could piss about setting up fake meetings with your work crush and not risk getting sacked for it. So he is basically putting your family's security at risk in that regard as well.

The one time I caught a boyfriend having an EA (unclear whether it got physical too because he denied) he messaged her about lots of accurate details of our shared life and just referred to me as his 'flatmate'. The dick.

If he is bold enough to be messaging her on his work laptop and meeting her during the work day, I’d put money on him messaging her on his phone. I actually missed you found all this on his work device alone! That is actually really shocking. To me it speaks to it being a much, much bigger deal and that he can’t stop himself even during work time?! I wish you’d got hold of his phone before he knew to delete things. Do you have any shared devices you can get on and look on the deleted photos or deleted messages, drafts etc?

What a stupid man-child he is... I'm sorry this half assed Peter Pan is making you go through this 🙏 May he realise the magnitude of his stupidity and can remedy it...

I agree with those op saying this response from op’s DH is a DARVO response.

But what I’m wondering is whether that typically precedes someone wanting to rectify things, or someone just wanting to dodge the blame.

Because the more I think about his response in chastising op for looking at his computer, the more I feel he is really too worried about salvaging his marriage, he’s just worried about not feeling he is carrying all the guilt if it implodes.

If I wanted someone to forgive me I don’t think I’d go the DARVO route?

You nailed the problem

Apologies : I meant “ he is NOT too worried about salvaging his marriage.”

@GreenBiscuit25 unfortunately that’s exactly how I felt - the only reason we stayed together was that in my case it was10 years before I found the evidence- if I had found this stuff at the time I think I would have ended things -

Hi OP

Saw your updates.

he just said it was a bit of fun that maybe he got carried away

• I’m sure it was a bit of fun.

• Does that mean he’s happy for you to have some fun by flirting and planning secret meet ups with an attractive man, who shows you attention, and describes how he’s been topless to which you reply ‘tell me more’?

• If not, why?

• If he wants to have fun, why not with a male work colleague?

and the outings he said “might” have happened- he pretended to forget about those and then remembered- he said they were just friendly to blow off some steam during the work day

• So, he originally didn’t confess all, but ‘forgot’ about the meet ups, and only ‘remembered’ when when pressed/told you have evidence?

• Do you, in that case, believe he’s told you the full truth? How can you be sure he hasn’t ’forgotten’ he wants to have sex (or has already had sex) with this woman or that he won’t in future ‘forget’ he’s carried on messaging and meeting up with her?

• Again, is he happy for you to meet up with an attractive and attention man to let off steam from your day? If not, then why?

• If he wants to let off steam, why not with a male work colleague?

He did say sorry “if I’m upset by what he’s done and he didn’t mean for that to happen”

• So he’s only sorry that you’re upset - not that he did it?

• Did he think you might not have been upset? Did he think what he did was respectful to you? If not, why?

• Was it worth losing you and breaking up his DC’s family over?

• He didn’t mean for what to happen? For you to find out and/or be upset? Or for him to message and meet up with the colleague?

• If the latter, what nonsense! Of course he meant it to happen! It’s not like slipping on a banana skin FFS! He’s frequently and consistently CHOSE to send flirtatious messages and purposefully arranged to meet up with her! He knew what he was doing! Why can’t he own it and take responsibility? Too weak?

• How does he feel about what he did? Why doesn’t he take full responsibility for betraying your trust and disrespecting you?

• Sorry’s easy to say, but what does he intend to do about it? What’s his solution in terms of actions?

• If I wanted to remain in the marriage, I’d expect nothing less than him showing me a message to the colleague saying he shouldn’t have been messaging and meeting up with her in that way as he’s married and it’s disrespectful to his wife - that he won’t be messaging or meeting her at all other than where it’s essential for work purposes.

• Plus, as a minimum, he must devote the same time and energy messaging and meeting up with you. And he has to accept that you may never be able to trust him again. A reasonable expectation, given he’s betrayed your trust. He’ll really have to work at it to prove he’s sorry and rebuilt your trust.

After his dismissiveness and lack of responsibility, I’d be planning a future without him. I wouldn’t be relying on him.

Take time to process. You don’t have to make any uninformed or rushed decisions. He did that.

Know how strong you are 💐

He “thinks” they met up, is he 5? I would t trust a word he says after that. I would be checking with his mum that he is actually staying there the last couple of nights. I’m very sorry you’re going through this, it’s a massive betrayal. Perhaps you shouldn’t have logged on and looked but you have nothing to apologise to him for, he’s just p*ed he got caught. Good luck to you.

I wish I had seen a thread like this 20 years ago.

I didn’t know what an ‘emotional affair’ was and was gaslit so much I ended up thinking I had overreacted and it wasn’t worth throwing a relationship away because of ‘nothing’.

It is something.

They are all little boys when they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar.
I don't think I have heard of one that has just been honest when caught. That's because the decent ones don't do it in the first place.
The other lot just wriggle and squirm, dig deeper holes for themselves and act like children with the blame shifting, the excuses, memory problems etc.
Being a grown up means taking accountability for your actions.
Leave him at his mothers, let him ponder it all for a good while yet until you are ready.
He is in panic mode at the moment and they take a few days to come out of that.

Would you not be tempted to speak to the OW? I would. You'll get a different story again. She gets to see that you are a real human being, one with dignity and grace and she actually has nothing to lose in telling you the truth - sometimes there is some solidarity amongst 'the sisterhood' and you have every right to speak to her. I wouldn't pre-arrange it, I'd just catch her unawares and tell her who you are and ask for a few moments of her time - completely non-threatening and if she refuses, then you walk away but you probably have your answer.

Just a thought.

He is a compete idiot. Does the idiot even he realise work can go in and look at all these messages if they are on a works platform. Surely it's a warning about blocking out diaries for personal dates

He sounds like he’s going through the “my wife doesn’t understand me” phase. I can only say what I did (and would do again), which was tell him it’s her or me and if it’s her I’ll be divorcing him. I would also never trust him again. Some women forgive and move on. I’m not that way. With me trust once lost, is lost for good. I remarried 2 years later and I am much happier. Good luck what ever you do. Daisy

I'm so sorry you're going through this @GreenBiscuit25 . I always say imagine how a relationship would go if cheaters invested their cheating time into their prime relationship. If things aren't good at home, put that effort into reconnecting not playing away.

You are so right that all of the activities he is arranging with her he could be doing with you. I'd be pushing that point home with him and asking why he doesn't want to invest time in your relationship. If they're doing all of this on work time it will be noticed and can impact his job if it leads to him not performing to expectations.

The lack of genuine remorse is very telling.

I would suggest for your next discussion with him you keep it very straightforward. Ask him about them meeting up, he denies, respond "I know that's a lie, try again". If you know his responses are lies, tell him straight up and wait. If he continues to respond with lies then you need to tell him if he can't be an adult and tell you the truth about what has been going on you will have to seriously consider where to from here as you cannot trust a thing he is telling you and trust is a fundamental pillar of any relationship.

I suggest marriage counseling, especially since you have a child to consider. I think that to have a shot at getting past this and rebuilding your marriage, the whole truth needs to come out and then some. Don't let him get away with the BS he's trying to get out of it. That solves nothing it is disrespectful to you. Good luck with it.

And compound the OP's original breach of The Computer Misuse Act? The OP should not be using his password to log onto his work laptop.

Inknow money may be an issue, but better to hire a PI in a case like tbis. It is just too difficult.

Ex boyfriend I hope

Stay strong OP. He needs to acknowledge the damage he’s done. If he had not directed his energy into this woman, imagine the relationship he could have had with you and his child?

Would he be happy for you to send messages like that to your male friends??

All of it, obviously but the bit about him needing something to look forward to is the bit that would have me dialling a lawyer.

It's like a kick in the guts and I would never be able to let that go.