Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

What a fucking dumbo. Who "forgets" and then remembers meeting up with someone.

Not necessarily - it depends whether it’s gone any further than the fantasy stage.

No. Only misery ahead. Sadly.

Men only understand how painful cheating is when they are cheated on
Op’s ‘d’h would blow a gasket if she had behaved like him.
How can people ever trust people who cheat on them ?

@GreenBiscuit25 I think so many of us know how you are feeling - I was in bits for days as he was away on tour and yet I kept it to myself for 6 weeks till I came out with it on Xmas Eve basically so he would have a very shit Xmas- not proud of that but grief and shock does things to you - after the grief and shock I basically wanted to physically punch him for quite a long time too . My constant thought was ‘how f could he ‘ - you will have all sorts going through your head- please don’t take any shit or any blame .

It passed the fantasy stage when they started to secretly meet up.

Probably a regular thing in Court

Yeah sorry I don’t think it’s just a fantasy- they’ve met up at least a couple of times and have actively planned anither meet up- they keep talking how great the meet ups have been- how much the look forward to them- how they need something to look forward to etc- gross!

They deserve each other and you deserve so much more x

Of course she bloody is! What a stereotypical moron he is.
Her being junior is going to look really bad for him, he’s so stupid! I’d message her. I’d let him know that you’re going to let his work know if it doesn’t stop.

I also think he has physically cheated OP and I’m so sorry!! They are just way too over familiar and he’s lying which makes him look like he’s now actively gaslighting you and covering it all up.

I disagree. It may sound like a movie plot but it was how I caught my H out - I asked him directly after having suspicions. Was told I was being ridiculous and there was nothing going on (ow was also a friend). I had a really bad feeling. Without it being outing, I found where they had booked to stay, rang pretending to be her to confirm booking, and turned up early and sat and waited for them to book in.i rang him persistently when i knew they’d be getting going (iyswim) and then waited outside the hotel with a friend (as witness). It was not my finest moment. I was extremely distressed and upset in the middle of the street. But I caught them red handed after he’d lied after he’d been telling people I was mentally ill.

Sometimes you just need the hard evidence for your own benefit. I’d do it again. I’d also be looking to go and watch discreetly to see what OP H is actually up to. You can tell so much by body language.

Yes oddly I feel there is more to it now that op has confronted him and he has denied it… if that makes sense.

Had he not “forgotten” organising things, but had said yes we do, why shouldn’t we if it’s innocent, I’d have been more inclined to think they were just nice friendly tie-shirt combo admiration sessions.

But the fact he looks forward to it all then can’t remember even going has made him a liar in my mind.

And people with nothing to hide don’t lie.

@GreenBiscuit25 you know when they said they really need something to look forward too? - it’s stuff like this that really cut me up - it’s if you are some kind of depressing joy killer trapping them . My H in one of his ‘songs/poems’ wrote - there’s a light that shines so bright when I escape from my room’ - totally made me feel as if he felt incredibly trapped whilst feigning a perfectly happy marriage - he wrote many other similar things too - he says it was all nonsense- but blimey it cut deep when I found it all - problem is it never really goes away even if you stay, it decreases in significance but is there in the back of your mind.

i used to think nothing worse than a physical affair but honestly i personally think i could have taken a bit of short term meaningless sex over someone clearly wishing they were elsewhere with someone else at a certain point .

I think this is the most telling part of the whole situation IMO. The fact the he lied about not being able to remember whether they’d been out together or not. People lie when they’re hiding something, it’s as simple as that. If he’s lying about this, which he is, then he’s most probably lying about other stuff too, and very clearly hiding the fact that he’s having an affair.

Also, no messages to her on his phone? If they were genuinely innocent friendly colleagues there would be a message thread, he’s deleted it because it’s not innocent. And probably deletes it every time they text. No text thread at all is textbook evidence I’m afraid.

I’m so sorry OP, I’ve been in your situation more times than I’d like to admit, and it sucks 😔 your gut should be telling you the truth here, you already know it’s time to ask him to leave and muster every bit of courage and support you can get to get through the next few months 💐

You know what's really sad - that so many of us are or have been going through this

Do you recall how long these meetings were in the work diary? Were they short coffee meet-ups or long enough to, say, get into a hotel room?

When I confronted my H he just kept saying "I don't know". I told him that he DID know but admitting exactly what he'd done made him look even worse.

I can’t fully remember- there’s nothing in their messages that referenced that as rhe planned a specific walk etc but I’m not ruling out they have done stuff outside of this and perhaps used phones to plan it. TBH right now if I asked him if anything physical happened he would deny it but I’m not sure I can believe him. Even if I could guarantee the truth I’m not sure I care anymore. Right now I just feel betrayed- he’s been spending weeks if not months messaging her every day- hundreds of messages- always full of energy, emoticons etc. he’s got so excited to plan things and meet her (and she seems to have reciprocated) they’ve been complimenting each other- saying all sorts- saying how close they’ve got- all this- then when he gets home he’s just exhausted and plays on his phone or we barely talk. Physical affair or no I can’t go on like that. I’m not ruling anything out but right now I don’t think I could go back to him knowing what he’s done- it just feels like betrayal

That’s because it is, his energy is all being spent on her, not you. The very definition of an emotional affair, and why they are much worse, IMO, than a physical one. Mind you, if your husband’s affair wasn’t actually physical yet, it was only a matter of time until it was.

@GreenBiscuit25 im so sorry for what you’re going through I really am. I put my last post up before I’d caught up with the thread. Sadly I also suspect there’s more to this - even if they haven’t had was I’d suspect the holding hands and kissing lovey dovey stuff. Massive red flag.

only you can decide if it’s worth saving and that’s entirely dependent on his behaviour now. By lying, drip feeding, he’s being a massive cock end. And putting it all at risk. I’d suggest this weekend you do some relaxing stuff with DC and try and distract yourself. Self care and self love all weekend (though I appreciate it’s very difficult). Make him stay at his mums for at least a week, preferably longer. You take your time deciding - you have the upper hand now. And yes to dangling the threat of revealing this to work as they’d both get a massive bollocking for not doing work in working hours.

You do YOU this weekend and I hope you get a little bit of respite. X

What An idiot your DH is/has been, it’s all such a cliche….
Im not sure how you’d get past such a betrayal, in some ways I think emotional affairs are worse than physical ones, it’s so much more of an entanglement that ‘just sex’.
He doesn’t sound particularly sorry, and instead of being worried that he could get in trouble by you seeing things in his work tablet, like you I’m astounded he’s not worried that they’ve casually blocked out diaries etc during work time.
Sending you a big mumsnet hug

Mate. He can grovel all he likes. But there’s only one thing he needs to do now….

QUIT HIS JOB / HAND IN HIS NOTICE

thats the only way you’ll ever have peace of mind.

he can’t go on working with this woman day after day.

especially now after (as I suspect) he’s changed the password on his work laptop

and keep him at his mum’s for another week.

That's because it is a betrayal, and he is doubling down on the betrayal by not being honest now.

Take all the time you need to decide what you want to do. As you have said you wouldn't believe him now if he did try and tell you the truth. He only has himself to blame for that.

Sending you hugs and strength. I have been where you are, finding out my exH had been having an affair, working through 6 months of lies and manipulation where he convinced everyone that I had lost my mind nearly broke me. I hope you continue to trust your gut and have supportive friends and family around you. X

It is horrible you will never trust him, and eventually it would have turned physical ,