Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Deleting messages was one of the clues that what my DH was to up to was clearly something to be guilty about. I’d be interested to see his Teams again to see if they’re now gone.

So basically he's sorry that you feel you should be upset. And you shouldn't have seen what he was doing, anyway.

Every time he messages, I'd ask him if he's been thinking about her breasts today.

Yes but nice to dangle it.

I would out-bluff him:

1. Refuse to divulge how you know about his affair
2. Demand full access to his work PC at all times seeing as he has been using it to conduct an affair.

This leaves him in a position where he can't hide the affair.

I’m afraid to say I would be very surprised if this hasn’t gone further between then. Good luck to you.

Meet him at their next meeting/ hang out

Exactly.

Work is enabling the affair, & if he won't voluntarily give you access to what has been happening, you have to involve work in ensuring that he doesn't breach his employment conditions by conducting extra-marital relations at work.

Exactly. Spot on. I had an acquaintance, she was beyond beautiful and she knew she had that effect on men, including married men at work. She told me a very interesting thing. She said 'if they (married men) start flirting at work/coming on to me, etc. I don't just distance myself, because it could be perceived as a 'playing hard to get ' or leaving even half of a chance, should circumstances change, etc. - I tell them something along the lines 'your smell is really off-putting to me, or can't stand they way your breath smells', 'I am sorry, I find your mouth/legs/neck/whatever revolting'. She said it immediately made them if not hate her, but feel biologically rejected, so they atmosphere changed immediately. She said it literally worked like a bucket of cold water. She fiendishly clever.

That's the exact reaction I predicted. Playing it down like it was nothing... yeah, sure. I think if I were in this situation I'd be completely put off him. I'd be saying he can have her, if he likes. It's time he had a huge wake up call!

So sorry to read this thread.
My soon to be ex has left me for a much younger woman. Initially he said they just had a connection and nothing physical had happened…. I called his bluff the next day and said I had found out he had slept with her and he admitted everything…

The following day he asked me to take him back! Trust had gone and I said no. Love walked out the door the day I found out.

I actually feel sorry for him because he has realised everything he has lost. We were together for nearly 30 years. Our grown up children have lost their respect for him and that’s the bit I find hardest. For me, the definition of an affair is something that is kept secret - regardless of how far things have gone. I have negotiated the separation and divorce with fairness and dignity and am looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life.

I hope you are ok.

Does the woman know he’s married? Even if she does, he could be spinning her a line saying you’re in seperate beds etc. you did the right thing chucking him out. I don’t believe for a second nothing physical has happened, especially after the line that he “thinks” nothing happened. What a peen.

Is this genuinely what he has got from this? Bloody hells bells! He really has no clue what he's done does he? Is he normally thick as a brick OP?

Stand strong OP! He’s acting like a PIG. He could get fired for using work time for in appropriate messages and meetings. When is he actually doing his work? Is she also a different level to him because a lot of companies would really look down on that too. He has already emotionally cheated and crossed several boundaries. I’d tell him you’re considering Divorce and he needs to stay at his mothers home until further notice as you can’t cohabitate with someone who can do easily lie to your face:

I’d never normally think this but I’d also be contacting the other woman and letting her know you know she has been in inappropriate contact with your husband and they have been scheduling meetings during work time and that if it continues you will have no choice but to report it to their company. And that you’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn’t know but to clarify, we ARE still married and living together.

Wow. First you sound like a really lovely person, second, stay strong. Third, remember when you speak to him, if he denies physical activity with the OW, that emotional affairs are no better! If you don't get a sincere apology, time to go. Let her have have him coz he's not worth your time.

Fucking audacity. He's a sly snake OP and he's not sorry. Tread carefully with regards to your next moves and decisions. Take as much time as you need. Don't be rushed.

Oh, he knows.
Still minimising, and will continue to do so.
Like kids not wanting to get in trouble - I was only looking at the stones, I only picked one of them up, it slipped out of my hand accidentally, I didn't throw it hard....etc

Thanks all it means A LOT and yeah she is 10 years younger and much more junior although he doesn’t directly line manager her- just such a cliche

He is such an asshole.

yep

@GreenBiscuit25 i really admire how your are carrying urself through all of this.

you seem lovely, level headed, strong and a great mother. I wish u nothing but love and happiness ❤️

Decide what you want.
Act on it.

@GreenBiscuit25 what ever you decide op your marriage will never be the same. You'll have an underlying permanent anger and pain. It's really not worth it. You only get one life, please live it to its fullest. Good luck.

You should say that you think he would get into more trouble arranging dates with his OW in his work laptop…