Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

He's already stopped taking accountability for his behaviour. It doesn't matter how you found out he's in the wrong, not you x

Sorry I haven't read all the posts, just your updates, but I was going today this too - ask him how he'd feel if you were messaging and arranging meet ups with a man like this.

“Is there something on your work messages I should know about as you seem worried?

I think you’ll find sending sexually explicit messages on work devices and work time will get you into significantly more trouble”

As if your primary concern right now is him getting in trouble. 🙄

I’d be tempted to reply that getting him in trouble might be cathartic and perhaps you will run his workplace relationship past his boss- including all the pretend meetings.

Annnnnddd…cue the A in DARVO: accusing OP of getting him into work trouble. Next up: RVO!

Does he not realise that there’s a digital footprint of every single Teams message between him and OW? His company can see this!!!

If she decides not to divorce him she might be grateful for his salary. Even if she divorces him presumably she might want to receive some income from him.

So hard to see any benefit for the OP in causing him trouble at work.

Accidentally forward the messages on to his boss

She doesn't need to draw their attention to it, though.

OP, please read the Chump Lady. I don’t agree 100% with what she says but it’s a real eye opener to bullshit that cheaters are feeding their spouses.
It prepares you for what’s coming next.

He’s sorry he got caught, not because he hurt you.

OP, I’m sorry but your marriage is over. From your updates she doesn’t appear to really care, he isn’t acting sorry whatsoever.

You need to end this with him, he is emotionally involved with her and doesn’t appear to get the damage. He’s a twat. You need to tell him it’s done.

You could probably get them both sacked

What @Thewookiemustgo is 100% accurate I think op. Unless he has the actual emotional intelligence of a teaspoon, somewhere in him he knows full well he’s been behaving like an utter, utter twat. But the ego boost and the cheap thrill was oh so exciting, so he did the convoluted mental gymnastics required by all these fuckers to justify his behaviour. “It’s not cheating because I’m not doing x” or “ what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” or “ she’s too busy with the dc instead of poor me, I’m not getting enough attention, whah whah”. All bullshit of course, but this has been going on for a while and he’s been convincing himself it’s fine for a while. So I’m not surprised at his response. I think he will either double down on his mental gymnastics, continue to convince himself he’s done nothing wrong. Or, be shocked into actually ACCEPTING that he’s been a massive shit. Either way, you need to focus on the fact that this is absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s all about him and his sad little ego. Which has now bitten him on the arse.

How does that help the OP?

It’s hard not to think of all the MNers rolling their eyes reading this. You weren’t habitually perusing his work laptop (I’m sure you have better things to do!); something popped up and you were human. If he wasn’t using it to flirt with a colleague, you wouldn’t have spent more than a second on it. All of this is down to his actions. I’d let him know I’d expect free access now to his phone, work email etc when I ask for it. He broke the trust. He has to solve that through total transparency.

He seems to want you to make his mind up for him doesn’t he?
what a coward!

He’s not taking any accountability. He’s already feeling like he is hard done by and isn’t putting half as much energy into winning you back as he putting into arranging dates with the OW.

I am sorry @GreenBiscuit25 after the adrenaline of yesterday, feelings of sadness amoungst other things will creep in. Take care of yourself and your DC as priority. The fact he didn’t put up a fight to stay says a lot about him I am affraid.

The fact he didn’t put up a fight to stay says a lot about him I am affraid.

If he'd fought not to leave that would be more wrong.

He's been told to get out. He's gone quietly. That is the right thing to do. When/if the OP decides she wants a divorce he should accept that calmly too. That's just good behavior. Especially with a young child in tbe house.

I'd just act super cool now OP, and make him do all the running. If this woman means nothing to him, he'll be putting all that energy he seems to have back into making sure he keeps hold of you. If he's not doing that, well you've got your answer.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour yes I see what you mean as it would not have been nice to have e a dramatic scene. he doesn’t seem to be grovelling to come home though…He’s already losing interest in that and blaming the op for looking at his laptop. What he isn’t doing is showing the op a lot about him. He just doesn’t seem remorseful enough.

I have a hard line on cheating, so this would really be enough for me. He’s willing to cheat, even if it hasn’t happened yet.

I would remind him that IT can see his messages and already think he’s a massive tosser. Wonder what they think of his “blazer combo” and her tits?? 🤮🤮 And, if he’s not followed procedure and that has enabled you to see his messages? He has got himself in trouble! With work, as well as with you. Honestly, the people who do this are dim beyond belief….

I’m so sorry OP. He’s a weasel. He’s blown your marriage apart but still has the brass neck to try & scold you for using his lap top. He’s panicking as to what you’ve seen.

Don’t let any of his nonsense land. Just keep repeating ‘it’s the script, it’s the script.” The one thing it certainly isn’t is you.

He shouldn't be putting any pressure on her whatsoever in any way including grovelling. She's got a decision to make (everyone MN thinks he's having an afair so it's probably not a hard decision). He can't help with that decision.

He needs to keep silent and if she wants a divorce get completely out of her life except WRT to childcare.

If he did start putting pressure on her through grovelling or other tricks she should keep a record and involve the police.

I’d respond along the lines of ‘oh, is there stuff on there, you’d better show me everything ‘- which might also help with his memory lapses 🙄