Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

She had 3 choices not 2. Divorce, second chance, or delay decision making until x.

Tell him that if he needs to say ‘if you’re upset’ he hasn’t been listening carefully enough.
Tell him you are extremely upset, seriously considering divorce and that any wife would be upset about their husband’s secret messaging and hook ups with another woman. It’s cheating, plain and simple. He needs to fully own it and apologise for it and ask you what you need from him.
Tell him he’d better stop all of it, not talk to her outside of work related stuff right now and better still never talk to her again.
Tell him he needs to start looking for another job or he’ll be looking for somewhere else to live.
I do actually believe that he loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you or your children, cheating is something that whilst a deliberate choice made knowing full well it is wrong, forces all kinds of mental gymnastics and they convince themselves of all sorts of tosh. To get to where he is now he’s dressed it all up as harmless in his head to stop the guilt and be able to fan his ego and chase validation without losing the family he loves. “There’s no harm in it/ it’s just flirting/ just a friendship/ nothing I need to feel bad about/ where’s the harm?”
He’s probably horrified that you’ve found out and pointed out to him what he’s been lying to himself about for ages.
Whilst obviously not a loving thing to do, it often actually has extremely little to do with not loving you and the kids and dissatisfaction at home and more to do with them. They call it just a bit of fun and put you into compartments. Home life/ work life are separate and as long as they never collide there’s nothing to feel bad about. Cheats are usually spectacular at compartmentalising it and thus dodge the guilt very easily.
They have a very nice time at home and secret ego validation with OW. It’s cake eating at its finest.
Playtime over for Mr Billy Big Bollocks.

Still find and copy all the money side of your marriage and keep trace of all of it.
Has he changed his pass word?

OP do you still have access to his computer to tell if he has messaged her today about non-work related stuff?

CLASSIC. What an absolute shit. Sorry OP, he can't be trusted. At all.

The old “I’m sorry if you’re upset, it wasn’t my intention.” What was his intention then with all these meet ups and messages? And you’re right, where’s the ownership?

You may have already covered this with him but I’d stress that if his line of thinking is “I haven’t done anything wrong here but I’m sorry it’s made you sad,” you need to say you’re not ready for him to come home. He needs to understand what an emotional affair is. Fortunately, google sums it up perfectly:
“An emotional affair is a deep emotional connection formed with someone outside of a committed relationship, involving sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and support, without physical intimacy. This connection can feel similar to a romantic relationship and may involve secrecy, deception, and a level of emotional investment that surpasses the primary relationship”
You can send him the specific messages that line up with above and really show him that that is what’s going on here.

It sounds like his feet have come back down to earth today with a thump. You are so strong for confronting him and telling him to sleep elsewhere. I hope you have people around you who can give you a huge hug. None of this is your fault.

Private investigator. It’s what I should have done

I'd love to have done this too

He really needs to be taking accountability for what he has been doing not saying I’m sorry you’re upset, like it’s nothing or no big deal! He needs to be saying that he knows what he done is wrong and can see the upset that his actions have caused, then he needs to show you how sorry he is, not just with words he now has to prove himself, even if that means he now has the hassle of finding a new job as tbh I don’t think I could move forward from this knowing that they are still in the same work place. Do you still have the work laptop so you can keep checking? Or does he know that’s where you got the information from? X

Ugh, he gives me the creeps and I don't even know him.

How fucking dare he minimise this shite. He's lucky you didn't kick his bloody balls off.

Also, maybe suggest he has therapy to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to have his ego stroked by another woman. Make him confront his shitty behaviour

I'm sorry but the intent was there to have some kind of relations with her, whilst thinking you didn't have a clue. I couldn't get past that.

Yep. As I said, they're not sorry until they get caught

They are only ever sorry when they are caught, not while they are doing it.

I am glad you said your peace, and also that you asked him to leave while you think. I know this is a shock, but don’t let him minimize and I would look into finances, etc. He is cheating, whether it is physical or not, and you need to know how to protect yourself and your kids even if you decide to work through this.

he is full of shit—
totally lied and since you have said he is “thoughtful and attentive” he knows how to be emotionally manipulative. you know now that he lies and is willing to hurt you and your family. Wishing you continued strength and clarity.

Good for you!
I have been following your terrible situation also.
I'm very proud of you for tackling it head on - well done.
What happens next is you take the time you need - not when he says. Give him time to miss you, his child, his home - maybe his mum will give him a good berating too. I know I would if it was my son.
All behind you here and hoping he realises what he has done.

Agreed. My granny did this when my uncle strayed—she laid down the law!

I'm sorry that it's come to this, but it's not your fault it's his, and well done for how you have played it so far.

Don't let him know how you know what you know. If he starts locking down things like the work PC then you know that he's going to carry on cheating, but wants to get away with it in future. Keep securing your position financially, and maybe if he wants to stay married he needs to get another job.

YOU decided whether he stays married, and on what terms.

@GreenBiscuit25 my H had sat and written songsand poems about his ‘crush’ from 10 years before and recorded himself singing them too , when I found it all stuffed in a drawer when confronted he described it to me as’it was just a crush - all in my head’ - even though they were texting a great deal and were on lots of business trips together - he stated that’nothing happened, and he was sorry if it had upset me finding this stuff - it was never his intention and it was many years previous- it was clear though I was just expected to forgive and forget despite the fact it may well have been more than what he said- guess I will never know!

i got past it but mentally have never really forgiven or forgotten and to be honest have never quite felt the same.thats what your H has risked - that 100% blind trust will simply no longer be there. What a total idiot- he knows full well what he has done is totally not ok

Even though he apparently has a crush on you?
Do you think he would act on it if given the chance?

Oh I HATE that “I’m sorry if you’re upset” bollocks. As if the issue is that you are upset rather than facing up to his own shitty behaviour that has caused the upset! Twat!

I would text him this :

"Would you be happy if I was messaging another (single) man all the time? Arranging secret meet ups? Telling him that I was topless, with him replying 'tell me more...'
And if I was doing all that, would you be happy, if when confronted, my only response was 'sorry that upsets you'. With seemingly no idea that this was boundary crossing. You seem to have no idea how damaging this is to our relationship. You have been investing time and emotion into another woman, instead of your wife. I'm out"

I'd let him think it's over, even if in your head that's not where you're at. Let him squirm.

Oh yeah he must have figured out I got on his laptop as he text me to say I shouldn’t go on his work laptop as he could get in trouble! Weird he didn’t care so much about workplace rules with all those messages and blocking out diaries, secret meetings etc

Absolutely. Nothing worse than trusting someone without condition for them to chuck it in back in your face