Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Good for you and don’t let him weasel his way out of it. It’s irrelevant if it was physical because it was certainly heading that way and like you said he’s been putting in all the graft with her whilst you’re at home waiting for him. Bastard.

Well done. Sounds like you handled it in the best way you could. That wasn’t easy to do but you will be glad you didn’t let him minimise it in the long run.

Have you heard from him today?

I assume he has realised that you read his work messages?

He didn’t go into detail about what they had said I just said I know you’ve been sending inappropriate messages to each other- openly flirting and he just said it was a bit of fun that maybe he got carried away and the outings he said “might” have happened- he pretended to forget about those and then remembered- he said they were just friendly to blow off some steam during tje work day- I know how long it took them to plan those- blocking our diaries etc- just more lies really. They weren’t just causal hang outs they had planned them for weeks!!

So he’s lying …

What a gaslighter!

Was he apologetic? Or concerned about what he’s done? Hopefully a couple of nights at his Mums will shock him out of it. Did he take his work laptop? Or will you be logging in to Teams from your own computer….😬😬

I had this. DH had mentionitis for a girl at work, 15 yrs younger than him. Planned a holiday with work friends including her and when I said I wasn’t ok with it he basically said if I pushed him he’d choose the holiday over me. Claimed it was innocent and offered up their entire whatsapp chat as proof. Don’t think he thought I’d take him up on that but I did and he eventually handed it over.

10,000 messages over 2 years. She was the first person he messaged every day and the last at night. On evenings that he was ‘too busy’ to spend time with me he was talking with her for hours. I was never mentioned. They were meeting up for lunch etc, often with our young DD and most noticeably when I was away. There was nothing outright inappropriate in the messages but it was flirty and way beyond a casual friendship.

I said if he wanted to save our marriage he had to message her that it had to stop and I wanted to see that message. You put it very well OP, about her getting the best of him. It felt just like that.

My DH did send the message and as far as I know the excessive messaging has stopped, either that or he hides it better.

So sorry. He’s already cheating from what you’ve seen already, the being vague and ‘think that’ replies show he’s trying to minimise and downplay the whole thing.
Glad you’ve got some space to do some clear thinking, hope you’ve got some real life support you can turn to. Don’t be embarrassed to tell anyone you trust, any shame and humiliation are his, not yours. He’s a total idiot.

He did say sorry if “I’m upset by what he’s done and he didn’t mean for that to happen” which is if it’s my fault I’m upset my this rather than him owning what he’s done. I honestly didn’t think he even saw what the big deal was- anyway he’s been grovelling today- lots of messages about how much he loves me and our child etc and would never want to hurt us.

Just be ready for DARVO to come out!

Deny is already happening—minimising the much-planned-out-and-premeditated-outings that he can “only just remember…he’d forgotten, because it was so casual and meant nothing!”

Attack comes next…YOU didn’t do xyz…

“I think”
”I might have”
”I’m not sure”
”I can’t remember”
All classic liars’ vague responses.
He wants to get himself checked for dementia if his memory is that bad…

Cutting to the chase: What have you decided? Divorce or second chance?

He “doesn’t remember”????

They’re hooking up.

Yes!! I don't know you but I'm so proud of you. I've been following this thread as I've discovered infidelity in my marriage and there's also a female ex colleague who I've got my eye firmly on. I'm so pleased you've taken back your power. X

‘I would never want to hurt you’ = I would never want you to find out something that would hurt you but I am going to do it because I think no one will get hurt because you won’t find out.

edited to make sense.

Ask him very calmly, how would you feel, if it was me that had done this? I think he would be very angry! So he needs to apologize!!

What a cock! Does he always have memory problems OP?
He's lying and you know it.

Mine was the same. He's pretty much the perfect husband now but the damage has been done. I'd be able to move on if it were just the one "indiscretion" but there's been a few. In a strange way, I've never felt more in control of my life and you will too. They're never sorry until they get caught.

Get in your place, you silly woman. It’s your fault for being upset over something so innocent, and he’s begrudgingly sorry that you’re upset, not sorry for his behaviour. 🙄

"Had you been with me that weekend it wouldn't have happened..." Feck off pal

Let her process what has happened! It hasn’t been 24 hours!!

OP you need to take your time. There is no rush to decide what to do but you need space to think right now and he needs to know you don’t buy his ‘it was all innocent sorry if you are irrationally upset about it’ spiel.

He said he would never want to hurt you but the fact is he has. He has damaged your relationship and broken your trust. And he can’t even own up to it properly. Without accountability you can’t forgive.

How is he going to fix what he broke? Promising not to do it again isn’t enough because his words don’t mean anything. What happens if he ‘forgets’ or ‘can’t recall’ again?

Stay cool, calm and collected. Don’t let him back home until he shows real insight into his behaviour and provides you with tangible actions that show his commitment to build back trust.

You sound amazing OP

Yeah that’s fair… if you were genuinely just meeting a friend for lunch you’d just be honest about it wouldn’t you? As soon as the answers get vague and sketchy it’s because you’re trying to hide something.

And yet he has hurt you, deeply. Until he can genuinely acknowledge that and repair the damage, there can be no healing.

I have a terrible memory, but I definitely know whether I've met someone or not.
Ask him if he needs to book an appointment for medical help with his memory loss.

You sound brilliant, op. Far too wise to accept his gaslighting. X