Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

This is one of the most sensible responses I’ve read so far. It’s so easy to shout from the sidelines and tell OP to leave the b**tard. Only she can decide whether she’s invested enough to give him a chance to earn back his place in her life, or whether it’s a deal breaker for her. Marriages can be rebuilt, you can be happy together further down the line, but it takes huge effort and both parties have to opt fully back in, and OPs DP would have to earn back her trust, which is going to be very difficult. There’s no right or wrong way forward, and I imagine the OP will be influenced by how her DP reacts when she does confront him.

.

Hello I was just wondering how it went last night?

I hope you're okay, OP

Genuinely thinking of you OP 💐

That was aimed at @NanaAggie

My husband left me for an affair 15 years ago and I was obsessed with getting him to change his mind - I thought I could make it all un-happen. The messages you mention are very indicative of an affair. If you feel strong enough, the most impactful thing you could do would be to follow the 'go nuclear' advice. Get your ducks in a row first. Before he knows you know, open your own bank account if everything is joint, and transfer half of everything in there. See a solicitor for a free consultation. Then tell him to leave.

If your relationship is worth saving, he will immediately feel massively remorseful and beg your forgiveness. If he doesn't, you need all the space and support you can muster to move forward.

My biggest fear for you is that he'll start 'affair-spending' and while it might seem harsh to talk about money in this context, the sooner you do, the more of your hard-earned resources you will save.

But you have said that your 'work husband' did have a crush on you. I assume that if you had been interested in him in the same way, his wife would have something to worry about.

@VividZebra I agree- in a situation like this you need as a priority to protect yourself ( and any kids) from being screwed over - plenty of men totally lose their mind and any sense of responsibility to a current family , high on the ego buzz and the adrenalin of ‘fresh’ - we all know how we have felt when first meeting someone they click with and are attracted to - it’s the ‘drive 30 miles in fog’ for half an hour with someone kind of insanity . And I truly believe the adrenaline causes temporary insanity in some and that’s why they take risks - in many cases they still have a lot of affection for their long term partner too - they just want ‘the extra’

Hi OP hope you are ok. Are you sure he definietly works with her face to face in an office - it all sounds like some kind of romance catfish scam. She's not 'a girl from the Toyko office' is she?

Either way, he is an absolute moron for doing this on a work chat and on work devices. Does he realise all of IT can see what he is saying and that if they report it to HR he would probably be sacked?

This. All work chats on work devices can be read by IT and it's absolutely idiotic to do this on a work laptop.

This is somewhat similar to what happened to me. Playing silly buggers like they are in some true love situation. Reality was boring for me too but I didn't go betraying my DH and my family. I put him out as I knew I could never forgive him.
BTW there is a part of me that would have loved to show up at their special lunch and confronted them both in a cool superior way 😃

Yep. I work in IT. I can't tell you the amount of middle aged men doing this, or worse, I've seen the messaging guys all have a good laugh at.

A couple, where it was really bad in terms of power imbalance were reported.

This is sometime ago, will all be automatically monitored now .... one, or both usually disapear soon after.

Please tell us you have brought this up with him? He is definitely having an affair, flirting and being excited about meeting up. Let us know whats going on please

OP how did you get on?

He sounds like a peach. If you get stuck for birthday present ideas, a good dose of antibiotics would be my suggestion.

I don’t work any more, but curious to know if people changing passwords on work devices/programmes is still a frequent requirement?

Hi all

thanks for asking after me and for al the supportive messages during this difficult time.

well we had it out last night- I asked him what was going on and that I knew about him and the other woman- he act shocked- like no clue what I was talking about. Then he admitted they talked and got on well and he “thinks” they have hung out a couple of times. He says they haven’t kissed or done anything physical and it’s just fun. He wouldn’t cheat etc- I said from my point of view looks like you already are- you’ve been setting up dates with this other woman who is younger and single- thinking you can get away with it because it’s all during work time so I wouldn’t question anything- I said how am I meant to trust you- spending all your energy on this other woman, planning outings, lunches, walks, picnics whilst we do nothing!! She gets the best of you whilst im just like the spare part you come home to!

anyway I told him to sleep at his mums last night- not sure what he will have told her. But I told him to stay there again tonight and have a think about what he wants and I’m doing tje same.

Good for you, OP! Did he eventually admit about the meet ups? The inappropriate conversations?

Did he ask how you knew?

Ah that’s really hard. Please don’t let him gaslight you. Please. You saw what you saw and it is happening.

All the very best to you x

God what an absolute liar he is. You did well to stand your ground

I told him to sleep at his mums - not sure what he will have told her.

My guess is he'll have told her this:

they talked and got on well and he “thinks” they have hung out a couple of times. He says they haven’t kissed or done anything physical and it’s just fun. He wouldn’t cheat

Whether it's true or not.... 🤷‍♂️