Page 13 | Husband affair?

GreenBiscuit25 · 2025-05-06T19:33:42+00:00

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now. i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6) husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still) anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out- 1) the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more” 2) from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!) 3) they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to” 4) when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married! I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

3luckystars · 09/05/2025 12:04

I don’t have any advice for you but I hope your life turns out ok, you seem really nice x

AngelicKaty · 09/05/2025 12:07

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 11:51

This is an internet forum where people share perspectives in order to help the OP with some sort of clarity on their own position, which none of us know first-hand, so I thought it might have some relevance. Silly me!

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Silly you, indeed.

Calliopespa · 09/05/2025 12:08

EdithBond · 09/05/2025 08:55

I guess because people have different boundaries. If she’s already decided on divorce, then no need.

So far, OP has proof of a flirtatious work friendship. That’s the most he’ll obvs admit to. Sure, an emotional affair in most people’s eyes and therefore a bad enough breach of trust. But not necessarily insurmountable for everyone if nipped in the bud.

However, if they meet and are physically intimate (snogging, cuddling, hand-holding) that’s another level entirely. Brazenly being intimate in public for anyone to see, including OP or people who’d tell her, is a further level of disrespect and humiliation. Plus, if he brushes it off as a business meeting, or (if confronted about the messages) a flirtation, OP will know for sure he’s lying.

The other benefit of being there when they meet is (as PPs have suggested), it provides an option for OP and a friend/her mum (having witnessed how the interaction goes) to ‘accidentally bump into them’ at the venue. She could act as usual with her DH (kiss him, be familiar), graciously introduce herself to the OW and leave her with no doubt he has a wife. OP sitting a few tables away would certainly put a dampener on their ‘special time’.

Would only work if it’s plausible she’d be there (“friend/mum heard great things about the place and asked if I’d come along”) and OP could hold it together. Not recommended if there’s a risk she (or friend/mum) may lose it and it descends into an ugly scene. But would be priceless to watch them squirm and worry how much she’d seen.

If they are physically intimate, she wouldn’t even need to mention snooping the work messages when she slaps him with a divorce he didn’t see coming. She can simply say she saw him.

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These plots are great for movies.

In reality, it will achieve very little.

They aren’t going to sit there flirting or kissing if OP and MIL are in the room. They will simply play it as a semi business lunch and op will be the one sitting at another table apart from her DH eating a lunch that she has no appetite for and footing the bill for the displeasure of doing so.

Or it will turn sour and realistically it won’t be easy for op to play it cool.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/05/2025 12:12

@AnonymousBleep the fact is , she probably simply doesn’t know , because he doesn’t mention it . I was gobsmacked when I found out many years ago how much my H was messaging someone who worked occasionally for our business- and he was 40 and she was 21. On paper we had a perfectly good marriage , he just got a buzz from it - I didn’t find out till many years after it was happening and quite by chance. I think you can safely presume she doesn’t know, so maybe cool it somewhat if you actually give a shit about what she does think , instead of blowing smoke up his arse . Yes it’s not your duty to police his relationships but you are almost certainly enabling him in behaviour that would upset his wife

AngelicKaty · 09/05/2025 12:16

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 11:53

I'm not though, so calm down.

This is MN where adult men and women can't be friends without everyone assuming they're shagging or having an emotional affair.

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Yes, we're adult women too and know men and women can be just friends, but you clearly didn't read OP's posts, or the pertinent very flirtatious aspects that I drew to your attention again, if you're trying to claim that OP and the rest of us are unreasonably "assuming they're shagging or having an emotional affair." Are you seriously suggesting that the comments OP's shared with us aren't flirtatious? You're keen to tell us that you don't flirt with your "work husband" so how does your comment help OP find clarity with her own position which is entirely different to yours?

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:24

Crikeyalmighty · 09/05/2025 12:12

@AnonymousBleep the fact is , she probably simply doesn’t know , because he doesn’t mention it . I was gobsmacked when I found out many years ago how much my H was messaging someone who worked occasionally for our business- and he was 40 and she was 21. On paper we had a perfectly good marriage , he just got a buzz from it - I didn’t find out till many years after it was happening and quite by chance. I think you can safely presume she doesn’t know, so maybe cool it somewhat if you actually give a shit about what she does think , instead of blowing smoke up his arse . Yes it’s not your duty to police his relationships but you are almost certainly enabling him in behaviour that would upset his wife

There's nothing to 'cool.' We mainly talk about puzzles, in which we have a shared interest. It's not exactly a smoking gun. Not sure what you mean by 'blowing smoke up his arse'? Doesn't matter anyway as I can't be arsed justifying my non-existent love life and non-affair to randoms on the internet.

Calliopespa · 09/05/2025 12:25

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 10:57

I have a 'work husband' - well we don't work together now, but we used to. He's married with two young kids, I am separated and have two teenagers. We're really good mates, having bonded on a particularly awful work team-building course, and have stayed in touch despite moving to different companies and still message each other most days. We're just mates, although he says he has a small crush on me. It's not reciprocated although I think he's great. There's no affair, emotional or otherwise. I do sometimes wonder what his wife thinks, though, if she knows we chat so much. We've both shared some of the emotional stuff going on in our own lives and are mutually supportive. I do think it must be really hard for any woman to know her husband is really good mates with another woman, even if you're pretty confident there's nothing going on.

So why do it then?

I don’t think you do wonder; I think you know.

Its unkind.

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:26

AngelicKaty · 09/05/2025 12:16

Yes, we're adult women too and know men and women can be just friends, but you clearly didn't read OP's posts, or the pertinent very flirtatious aspects that I drew to your attention again, if you're trying to claim that OP and the rest of us are unreasonably "assuming they're shagging or having an emotional affair." Are you seriously suggesting that the comments OP's shared with us aren't flirtatious? You're keen to tell us that you don't flirt with your "work husband" so how does your comment help OP find clarity with her own position which is entirely different to yours?

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No, the messages from the OP's husband and the woman he's texting are clearly flirtatious. That's very different. I admit I had only read the first post when I replied - my point in posting was to say it might actually be nothing to worry about, but clearly in her case, there is something going on.

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:27

Calliopespa · 09/05/2025 12:25

So why do it then?

I don’t think you do wonder; I think you know.

Its unkind.

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Because we're really good friends.

Lampzade · 09/05/2025 12:34

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 10:57

I have a 'work husband' - well we don't work together now, but we used to. He's married with two young kids, I am separated and have two teenagers. We're really good mates, having bonded on a particularly awful work team-building course, and have stayed in touch despite moving to different companies and still message each other most days. We're just mates, although he says he has a small crush on me. It's not reciprocated although I think he's great. There's no affair, emotional or otherwise. I do sometimes wonder what his wife thinks, though, if she knows we chat so much. We've both shared some of the emotional stuff going on in our own lives and are mutually supportive. I do think it must be really hard for any woman to know her husband is really good mates with another woman, even if you're pretty confident there's nothing going on.

Agree with others
You are very wrong . I am sure you would hate to be in the wife’s position
The fact that you know that he has a crush on you and you continue to communicate with him doesn’t show you in a good light.
Do better ffs

ShaunaSadeki · 09/05/2025 12:37

I don’t want to further derail this supporting thread for the OP. But, @AnonymousBleep it is the him admitting to having a crush on you and you clearly being happy enough about that to crow about it that crosses the line.

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:39

ShaunaSadeki · 09/05/2025 12:37

I don’t want to further derail this supporting thread for the OP. But, @AnonymousBleep it is the him admitting to having a crush on you and you clearly being happy enough about that to crow about it that crosses the line.

Yeah. I'm not 'crowing' about it. It's not a big deal. He has a crush on loads of people, it's just who he is. It's not serious and not a prelude to an affair. But I clearly shouldn't have mentioned it at all as there's no nuance on MN so I am now the Other Woman FFS.

ETA - his marriage is open, btw. But there's still no affair, MNers.

ShaunaSadeki · 09/05/2025 12:45

Haha I don’t think that, but opening up those sorts of discussions crosses a line in my book, and it probably would be a big deal to his DW.

Also, I apologise for saying crowing, that was an arsehole move. I got caught up in the mini pile on for a second.

Calliopespa · 09/05/2025 12:46

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:39

Yeah. I'm not 'crowing' about it. It's not a big deal. He has a crush on loads of people, it's just who he is. It's not serious and not a prelude to an affair. But I clearly shouldn't have mentioned it at all as there's no nuance on MN so I am now the Other Woman FFS.

ETA - his marriage is open, btw. But there's still no affair, MNers.

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No you’re not the OW.

But him saying he has a crush on you is a line cross.

If you are good friends why not involve her? It need not be all the time. In her position I’d appreciate you asking me along for a drink

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:48

Calliopespa · 09/05/2025 12:46

No you’re not the OW.

But him saying he has a crush on you is a line cross.

If you are good friends why not involve her? It need not be all the time. In her position I’d appreciate you asking me along for a drink

Edited

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I don't know her and we literally live at opposite ends of the country as in, one in the very south and one in the very north. I'd obviously happily go for a drink with her if I was ever in that area, but I'm not.

Anyway I've (accidentally) derailed this thread enough now.

OchreRaven · 09/05/2025 12:51

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:27

Because we're really good friends.

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I think you need to be honest with yourself. If you were really good friends you would be concerned about what your friendship could do to his marriage and his life.

If you are in contact with him everyday and lean on each other for support this is an emotional connection. Perhaps you don’t have the desire for a physical one but the fact he has confessed his crush clearly he is attracted to you.

It’s not your responsibility to ensure someone’s husband remains faithful. But I think you also need to be honest with yourself that you enjoy the attention and know that it is not acceptable behaviour for a married man. Don’t come on to MN and preach that women and men can be friends based on your scenario. What you are describing will be very painful for his wife if she has any idea of the true extent of your relationship.

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 12:55

OchreRaven · 09/05/2025 12:51

I think you need to be honest with yourself. If you were really good friends you would be concerned about what your friendship could do to his marriage and his life.

If you are in contact with him everyday and lean on each other for support this is an emotional connection. Perhaps you don’t have the desire for a physical one but the fact he has confessed his crush clearly he is attracted to you.

It’s not your responsibility to ensure someone’s husband remains faithful. But I think you also need to be honest with yourself that you enjoy the attention and know that it is not acceptable behaviour for a married man. Don’t come on to MN and preach that women and men can be friends based on your scenario. What you are describing will be very painful for his wife if she has any idea of the true extent of your relationship.

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I don't know where this 'enjoy the attention' thing is coming from - it's projection because apparently 'middle aged separated women' should be grateful for any attention. He's just a good friend who I like and has been very supportive, who is in an open marriage, for what it's worth, so isn't actually stepping out of line admitting he's got an (unreciprocated) crush.

This is my last post on here as I'm fed up with being piled on.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 09/05/2025 12:58

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 10:57

I have a 'work husband' - well we don't work together now, but we used to. He's married with two young kids, I am separated and have two teenagers. We're really good mates, having bonded on a particularly awful work team-building course, and have stayed in touch despite moving to different companies and still message each other most days. We're just mates, although he says he has a small crush on me. It's not reciprocated although I think he's great. There's no affair, emotional or otherwise. I do sometimes wonder what his wife thinks, though, if she knows we chat so much. We've both shared some of the emotional stuff going on in our own lives and are mutually supportive. I do think it must be really hard for any woman to know her husband is really good mates with another woman, even if you're pretty confident there's nothing going on.

He said he had a small crush on you. If you said you felt the same, do you think it would stay a fun above-board relationship?

Pathetic

CNDflag · 09/05/2025 13:08

Nice dripfeed about him being in an open marriage too 🙄
if that’s really the case then surely the wife wouldn’t give much of a shit if that’s how they roll.

MsDogLady · 09/05/2025 13:11

Meanwhile, back to the OP …

@GreenBiscuit25, how are things going today?

MrsSunshine2b · 09/05/2025 13:12

@GreenBiscuit25 what happened when you talked to him?

SpiceryFiendXOXO · 09/05/2025 13:13

I'd dump him saying I didn't think things were the same anymore, not telling him whatni knew, and wait to see where he goes. I expect he will be in her bed within a month.

But if it was me and i wanted to forgive him and move past it, I would need to know for my own sanity that when he was single he was still pursuing me and not seeing it as an opportunity to move on.

carly2803 · 09/05/2025 13:18

GreenBiscuit25 · 08/05/2025 17:46

I’ve actually laughed at the MIL one- thanks for giving me a laugh for the first time since all this happened!

id have packed his shit and said go stay with her

unforgiveable this. he is having an affair

Hwi · 09/05/2025 13:30

Fernticket · 09/05/2025 11:42

Every middle aged separated woman's dream. I don't think so LOL. Certainly not mine, too much like hard work!

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And bless you for that! Clearly I tarred everyone with the same brush, apologies!

Hwi · 09/05/2025 13:31

AnonymousBleep · 09/05/2025 11:53

I'm not though, so calm down.

This is MN where adult men and women can't be friends without everyone assuming they're shagging or having an emotional affair.

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Quite! Many have joined the movement 'Just Stop Oil'. Let us all join the movement 'Just Stop Biology'!