Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Mumsnet strongly discourages troll-hunting. If you think that this is fake, report it rather than derailing the thread.

I’ve never been asked in the past three years to change my password for my works laptop.

He has most definitely stepped over the line.
This is an emotional affair and his ego is getting a massive boost.
OP - you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. If you want to stay with him, it’s a difficult road.
If it’s over, then do what pp have suggested re finances etc.
i went through this about 10 years ago. DP got a big shock when I said I’d been looking for somewhere else to live, and it brought him to his senses what he could lose. His light didn’t shine so bright for quite a while.
Good luck.

I guess because people have different boundaries. If she’s already decided on divorce, then no need.

So far, OP has proof of a flirtatious work friendship. That’s the most he’ll obvs admit to. Sure, an emotional affair in most people’s eyes and therefore a bad enough breach of trust. But not necessarily insurmountable for everyone if nipped in the bud.

However, if they meet and are physically intimate (snogging, cuddling, hand-holding) that’s another level entirely. Brazenly being intimate in public for anyone to see, including OP or people who’d tell her, is a further level of disrespect and humiliation. Plus, if he brushes it off as a business meeting, or (if confronted about the messages) a flirtation, OP will know for sure he’s lying.

The other benefit of being there when they meet is (as PPs have suggested), it provides an option for OP and a friend/her mum (having witnessed how the interaction goes) to ‘accidentally bump into them’ at the venue. She could act as usual with her DH (kiss him, be familiar), graciously introduce herself to the OW and leave her with no doubt he has a wife. OP sitting a few tables away would certainly put a dampener on their ‘special time’.

Would only work if it’s plausible she’d be there (“friend/mum heard great things about the place and asked if I’d come along”) and OP could hold it together. Not recommended if there’s a risk she (or friend/mum) may lose it and it descends into an ugly scene. But would be priceless to watch them squirm and worry how much she’d seen.

If they are physically intimate, she wouldn’t even need to mention snooping the work messages when she slaps him with a divorce he didn’t see coming. She can simply say she saw him.

This I like

Hope it goes ok OP

I would sleep on it for one night so that I would avoid expressing that immediate emotional intensity and disgust that you feel when you discover something like this.

Are there any other signs that he is cheating beyond these messages ? Has he lost interest, is he distracted or avoiding spending time with you or that sort of thing? This woman is obvisouly enjoying the attention as ppl often do in the workplace...but the potential of losing his wife and son might wake him up to the reality and jolt him out of this la-la stuff at work before it goes any further...

Is he wearing new clothes? Doing more exercise? Paying more attention to general grooming?

Would you be able to be in this park for their next meeting?
It could really be just coffee, but with over-friendly behaviour

What a prick he is. I’d say it’s irrelevant if it’s already a physical relationship because what he’s done is dishonest to you and your marriage. Have you decided to confront him yet?

I have a 'work husband' - well we don't work together now, but we used to. He's married with two young kids, I am separated and have two teenagers. We're really good mates, having bonded on a particularly awful work team-building course, and have stayed in touch despite moving to different companies and still message each other most days. We're just mates, although he says he has a small crush on me. It's not reciprocated although I think he's great. There's no affair, emotional or otherwise. I do sometimes wonder what his wife thinks, though, if she knows we chat so much. We've both shared some of the emotional stuff going on in our own lives and are mutually supportive. I do think it must be really hard for any woman to know her husband is really good mates with another woman, even if you're pretty confident there's nothing going on.

This is wrong on every level - you are clearly so delighted to share on MN - he had a crush on me, not reciprocated. Every separated middle-aged woman's dream - work colleagues having crushes on her. You do wonder what his wife thinks and still chat so much with him? Could you not derive your validation from elsewhere?

Wow, rude much. Hardly 'delighted to share my validation', just offering some insight from a different perspective. I'm not doing anything wrong, or even flirting, so no need to take out your own issues on me. It's not up to me to police grown adults' friendships.

I love MN! You are emotionally dicking around with somebody else's husband, 'wondering what his wife might think' and I AM RUDE? Priceless.

@AnonymousBleep wow, you seem to proud of this. You are wrong on every level and so is your friend. I wonder if he tells his poor wife to shut up and just put up with this? Neither of you have any consideration for his wife. Your post is just another insight into how wives get marginalised in their relationship and tells us there’s a certain type of woman out there that revels in causing trouble in another woman’s marriage!

your situation is so different, though the brush admission is ick. These two are engaging actively in planning secret meetings and talking about topless and being distracted in addition to regular tending to and commentary on clothing, etc.
OP is smart and strong, and obviously eschews drama and has self control. I hope avoids encouragement for sensationalist drama, gets her ducks in a row, and takes command of this situation.

Love this advice. Go nuclear!

Every middle aged separated woman's dream. I don't think so LOL. Certainly not mine, too much like hard work!

What "different perspective"? You say you're "not doing anything wrong, or even flirting ..." so what perspective are you trying to add? OP's DH is messaging with OW umpteen times a day in a very flirtatious way. She tells him about sunbathing topless in the park(!) and he replies "Tell me more". They have "little pet names for each other and he calls her mischief and a distraction and says after she made the topless comment he didn’t get any work done that day and it was all her fault!" You're now keen to tell us that this isn't the way you behave with your "work husband" so how is your relationship with another woman's husband even remotely similar to OP's DH's? What do you think your comment has added to OP's understanding of her situation?

This is an internet forum where people share perspectives in order to help the OP with some sort of clarity on their own position, which none of us know first-hand, so I thought it might have some relevance. Silly me!

Yeah, exactly.

Also, both sexist and ageist to think this is 'every separated middle aged women's dream.'

I'm not though, so calm down.

This is MN where adult men and women can't be friends without everyone assuming they're shagging or having an emotional affair.

I feel so sorry for your 'work husbands' wife. The minute this self centered twunt admitted to having a crush, you should have completely distanced yourself.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP 😞

My best friend is a guy but we have very strict unsaid boundaries. We don’t flirt at all and it doesn’t occur to either of us to do so. We see each other more like siblings and it would be just as weird to fit with him as with my brother - yuck, nope!

I have never had any secret meetings with him either.

Ditto with any of my other male colleagues. I have just spent the last 3 weeks staying away for work with one of my male colleagues. All above board and nothing weird has happened. I wouldn’t make a joke about being topless to him and he wouldn’t have ever responded with anything like “tell me more”. I am sure if I did say anything like that to any of my colleagues or my bestie their response would be among the lines of “I don’t want to know!” and that would be the end of that.

A friendship kept in secret is not a purely platonic one. Otherwise why would it have to be secret? If I wanted to go for lunch with one of my male colleagues I would ask them straight out and not care who heard. Because it is just lunch. And if anyone else wanted to come for lunch too, then that would be great too. I wouldn’t be upset that I wouldn’t be alone with him.

I work in a traditionally male dominated industry so most of my colleagues are male. My partner has no issue with it at all. Because I am open and honest with him. He knows who all these guys are and has met several of them. He trusts that when I’m away with them that nothing will happen. And it won’t.

That's exactly what I did. No wonder a lot of women choose to stay single!