Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

This and bring the MIL as a poster suggested 🤣

Seriously spoil their little rendezvous

Sorry to hear this.

You say upthread when you confront him you’ll ‘say what I know about them and see what he reveals’.

IMHO, you should:

• Wait to ascertain the date and location of the meet up. See if he dresses more special that day. And watch from a distance (or ask someone else, who he doesn’t know, to watch). That way you can ascertain if it’s physical, e.g. if they greet each other with a snog etc.

• At very least, when you confront him, say the bare minimum, e.g. ask him if he’s close to anyone at work or ask specifically how well he knows her. Then see how much he lies to you. If you tell him what you know up-front, you won’t know if he’d have lied to you or not. If he lies, e.g. says he’s not particularly friends with anyone or says he’s not that friendly with her, you know for sure he’s capable of lying to you.

This is what I would do too, turn up at the restaurant when they meet.

So sorry OP :(
The fact he has been talking about your child with her would give me the RAGE. I find that really disgusting and low. He’s acting almost like a single father and you are just totally out of the picture. How dare he!

If you do turn up at the meetup you can verify did she know you are still married or not? Embarrass them both x

When i suggested earlier to turn up to the meeting, I would also do what another poster said and have all the messages printed out so if they deny anything just give them the evidence.

Turn up at their meeting but don’t go alone. It will be 2 against one and you need support and someone else to witness if they try to gaslight you.

Show up at the planned meet up, with your mother, and act amazed to see him, happy (and friendly to workmate) - smoochie to DH and praise him for wearing the shirt you chose for him.

See how that plays out. If you want to fight for your relationship, you need to show the other woman that you exist.

This could be a huge and helpful alarm for you both, that you need to make your marriage more exciting and see each other for joyful engagements, at new venues and dedicate more time to your relationship.

First copy the messages. I would take photos of them on your phone. Next, get every single duck in a row. There’s no point in confronting him until you are ready with your plans. I am of course assuming you will throw him out, when it suits you.

I am sorry this has happened but it’s good that you know what a slime ball he is.

if her DH fancies somebody else as it seems he does, he will be over the moon to OP had found somebody else. IT will clear his conscience in one foul swoop.

Might as well fast forward to the divorce. What’s the point of confronting him and going through the script, pick me dance, etc, do you think it will make any difference if he promises to stop flirting with her? I can guarantee you there will always be another younger woman who will catch his eye, massage his ego, etc. ExH had a whole bunch of female friends and colleagues who engaged in such “banter” with him, turns out he fucked at least two and is now married with kids to OW. Wish I’d saved myself a few years instead of prolonging the BS.

What’s the point in trying to catch them out for lunch? They’ll just say it’s a business meeting. And this is OP’s life, not some film where she dresses in dark glasses and hides round corners. OP, you know enough. You don’t need more proof. What he’s doing is unacceptable and disrespectful.

I’d do as PP have suggested. Sit him down, say ‘I know about you and X’ He’ll minimise at first but make him keep talking. Then you can decide what you want to do about it.

Even if you get past this, you’ll always know he is a betrayer. I’d start working on becoming independent.

I just think you are seeing his real character now. A normal ten year marriage without any big issues, as you say, is worth so little to him that he would chase his thrills elsewhere. Also just to point out because you said he was so attentive to her as she was ill, like he was with you in the past. Don’t forget he wants something from her, that is why he is being so attentive. He’s self serving.

What’s the point of confronting him and going through the script, pick me dance, etc, do you think it will make any difference if he promises to stop flirting with her?

That's my take.

As it happens I don't think OP's DH has stepped over the line (yet) but whether he has or not I don't see how talking about it is going to help. Lying is inherent with infidelity so he's not going to be honest and frank ever. Nothing he says will make any difference.

If the OP wants to stay with DH all that needs to be said is "Stop flirting with OW.", then see what happens in future or divorce now. Milking it for a row and drama won't help.

I really don't think he's going to leave and set up home with this particular woman - swapping one child of his own for two of someone else's is a bad trade. Most likely she's looking for a man and he's looking for a shag. There may be others in future, though.

Checking in to see how you are

Oh but he's just a wittle man getting his ego stroked.

Arsehole!!

Don't put up with it OP. Tell him in no uncertain terms what is going to happen, don't let him dictate your future.

My husband has his works Teams logged into our home laptop and it’s never logged out. Can happen. Agree it’s not great security but my H also works for a big organisation.

He’s not “let it get this far” he’s actively participating - don’t let him off the hook and put all the blame on her

Whichever way this all unfolds, the reality of a life with the OW, her children, contact with his own and blending all that together is stressful. The added complication of them working together puts further stresses on them, should they ever be together.
He clearly isn't thinking very straight at all because he's going to make his life very complicated if he follows this through.

Set up a new email address for yourself that he doesn't know about. Screenshot everything and email to this before you confront him. Also get copies of all financial info - bank accounts, payslips, loans, cars, subscriptions, credit cards, etc. Grab originals of kids passports and birth certs and your marriage cert and keep them all at a friend's place.

I do find this scenario very sad.

Basically showing OW he is your territory.
It should be him knowing what the boundaries are. And he clearly crossed those boundaries in a big way.

He has lots to lose too. He needs to know that. Not getting any sense of competition between two women, he doesn't deserve it.

I guess the soap opera confrontations are fun to dream up, but they’re just excruciatingly embarrassing in real life. So I think turning up in real life would be awful for you to put yourself through.

However, if you do decide to ask him about it I think it would be a good idea to say that someone got in touch with you to let you know about it.

That way you don’t have to disclose how you found out. Also it has the benefit of making him worried about who knows and what an indiscrete dickhead he’s been.

The reference to the blazer and tie combos made me think that he is actually Alan Partridge. What a loser he is.