DH near death experience but down to his own stupidity.

[breakdown98765]

I’m using a throw away account just in case this becomes outing. I am trying to keep it vague as I need to rant/support and do not want the world putting two-and-two together and thinking I’m a heartless wife while my husband shakes like a leaf in the corner. I’m writing this on relationships and not on AIBU to try to stop the crowd trying to unpick our anonymity.

I was hoping last year would be the wake up call he needed to change his lifestyle. It’s nothing illegal, nor morally wrong, just idiotic at best. I’d say he increases his chances of these NDE by at least 70% by part taking. Something you can get away with when you’re in your early twenties but not when you’ve got a wife, kids and getting older.

The night before the second NDE I had a go at him/‘what are you doing.. this is stupid’. I’ve been a lot more vocal since the first NDE with him being idiotic, so much so his called me a nag/acting like his mother. I’ve wrote on mumsnet before, there’s been an unanimous ‘yep he’s stressed but he needs another outlet/become a real grown up etc’. He’s been in delusion that his choices did not correlate with NDE but there can be absolute no argument with two NDE that this is not a fluke. I guess he thought I was being a nag because I was wrong. Everyone in my immediate circle called it as soon as they heard. His side not so much as they don’t know what he’s doing to contribute to it. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s fell down the stairs but missed out the part of him doing it on stilts. While delusional he’s evidently embarrassed and knows he’ll be judged.

Fortunately he’s got no life altering injuries but now isn't the time for me to be having it out with him. I’ve not been able to eat since it happened. He’s extremely apologetic, again, and beating himself up.

He’s also going to miss out on earning too screwing us financially too. Also another thing we can’t prioritise right now.

IDK if you've left the thread @breakdown98765 and this is going to sound bonkers, but in your shoes I'd insist he gets tested for Toxoplasma gondii, which can increase risky and thrill seeking behaviour.

Oh. Go and buy him a waterproof extension cable of the correct length and put in a safe outside socket (if you do not have one already). What on earth is he doing DIY in the rain for, anyway? Building a tree-house-cum-man-cave?

Sympathies, OP. Your husband sounds like an utter idiot. I was married to one of those - used to walk around a big dodgy city abroad in the dead of night on holiday, swept snow off the roof with no safety equipment instead of waiting for help, and other dangerous things, so I get it. He simply saw no danger. To me, he was like some oblivious toddler staggering around with no sense of anything. They have no thought for the people who have to clear up their mess, whether that's nursing them through injuries or dealing with widowhood.

I bet Beverly Turner felt this way being married to adrenaline junky James Cracknell.

OP, your nerves must be shot to hell waiting for the next disaster. Whatever he’s doing, he isn’t good enough at it.

You need a serious conversation about his responsibility towards his family. If his next NDE leaves him disabled or brain-damaged, you will all be badly affected.

Best of luck, OP.

@breakdown98765

The issue is your vague language OP

It could be quad biking, or fell walking, or rock climbing, or repairing the roof with no safety harness.

NDE could mean anything from actually nearly died and barely conscious in hospital to near miss but completely unharmed.

If you can’t give details that’s obviously completely fine and up to you but you can’t expect any useful advice.

Some people actually have trouble mapping out potential consequences, the problem is they rarely listen to people who can see 5 steps ahead.

Why does it matter what caused it? He does something reckless and unnecessary and it’s almost killed him twice. It’s left him too injured to work. I don’t see how that isn’t enough detail.

I really hope this latest disaster has taught him a lesson OP. Do you think it might’ve?

I read the title and was expecting a tale about a man who saw the afterlife while in a coma and had become evangelical about religion or something. The term NDE is usually meant someone who's out-cold and thinks they saw heaven. Probably would have been less confusing to say in the OP that he had a bad accident and nearly died, will be OK but has severe injuries. It took a bit of piecing together - i.e. I didn't understand why he was financially affected until I read more of OP's replies and realised he's injured enough to be off work for some time.

Yes, it's amazing actually how many people can't seem to foresee consequences of their actions! I've known a few people like that.

OP, just leave the post. You won't get the support or validation you are looking for. Clearly you have people IRL you can talk to and know what actually happened.
It's a bit of a tease tbh.

Because although she says it was reckless and unnecessary, her example just make it look like it might have just been ignorant. Using extension cables in the rain (which he didn't do, but she said was 'along those lines') isn't something someone does over and over again for fun. It's a mistake while trying to do useful work. Makes it very hard to know what to think.

It would be helpful to have some idea OP otherwise the only thing anyone can say is ‘er, ok’. Is he using a chainsaw whilst ice skating, is he indulging in that erotica strangulation thing, is he surfing on the top of tube trains? You sound stressed but no one can give you words of support if they don’t know what’s going on.

ok it’s cables. Has he electrocuted himself? You can get special plugs that will cut the circuit (or something). I used to have one year’s ago for my cabled lawnmower.

That's not what it was. It was "along the lines" of that.

I mean, if it was that, could be repairing the fence, or mending a roof, or all sorts of useful worthwhile jobs.

What a crazy life they must have in that family.
Husband does some weird dangerous stuff that nearly kills him, and wife clearly loves a bit of drama too (hence a lovely long thread not telling anyone anything but wanting lots of attention).

It’s not that? But like it? I’m none the wiser then.

Just in case you are still reading to see if there are any constructive comments amongst the snark and flippancy@breakdown98765, I’m sorry you are facing such an awful situation. I don’t want to make you feel worse, but it might be worth very calmly asking your husband whether he ever has thoughts of deliberately harming himself. I’m not suggesting he is deliberately playing Russian roulette with his life but I’m sure I’ve read that there is a correlation between extreme risk taking behaviour and suicidal ideation. Obviously this would need to be done sensitively and in a non-accusatory way when things have calmed down, but it might be worth exploring this. Wishing you well.

OP, with respect you can't expect a bunch of strangers on here to just immediately grasp what you mean

You are totally and fully aware of all the facts, and are living through this very upsetting situation.

We are just trying to understand what happened to give the right advice.
It raises so many questions with no answers.What else do you expect us to do ?

That was my immediate thought too

Your nerves and temper at such reckless behaviour must be shot OP.

Once things have calmed down and you are over the shock, I think I’d be tempted to give him an ultimatum on the lines of he either stops doing whatever he has done to endanger himself to this degree, gets help as to why he’s taking such risks etc the marriage is over. You shouldn’t have to put yourself or your DC through this. And he shouldn’t want to put you through it.

You sound very stressed and confrontational.

People can't really give you what you want because you have been so vague as to be utterly baffling.

Yes, it is terrible when someone you love and rely on is careless and thoughtless with their own mortality. It is gut wrenching to sit there and wait for the next calamity. However, we can't suggest anything really useful, nor even pertinent, based on so little information.

People on here are willing to help, willing to sympathise (okay, not all of them but definitely most) but not if they have no idea what they're sympathising with.

I'm quite sure I'm wasting my time though as you seem to have made up your mind we're all a bunch of arseholes right from the first message.

Strewth mate, you’ve made this as opaque as possible, there’s no way to give any advice. These two ndes, are they from the same pursuit or something completely unrelated each time?
are they two freak accidents or something incredibly stupid and against better advice/ official guidance?
is he regularly impulsive or dangerous?
does he have a mental or neurological condition?
is he bipolar? ADHD? Early onset dementia?
recreational drug user?
you’re not going to get much help here when the closest thing you’ve given as a hint is a vague suggestion of something that sounds like one of delboy’s farcical schemes in only fools and horses

I sort of get that . After my ex partner got brain damage from an accident and didn’t stop drinking or taking coke it almost become a when not if scenario and the 10s of fits later were terrifying coz I knew one of them was gonna end his life and when he did eventually die it felt like I could breathe again coz I had been holding my breath for so long .

The first thing I said to my friend after I got the call was “well it’s happened” and she always talks about that moment coz it was like I always knew it was gonna happen .

My precise point.

I would have a different opinion of someone who got an electric shock from using extension cables in the rain vs someone who took an accidental tumble fixing the roof.

Similarly someone who fell down a rock face while climbing without protective gear vs someone whose light aircraft crashed.

No one has to tell us anything on here but getting advice without imparting salient details is impossible.

Why do so many women think that getting married and having children will magically change the essential nature of a man; when they should instead stand back and observe that perhaps society does not need this particular set of genes and behaviours to procreate.

Now he’s almost killed himself twice, and was left ‘shaking like a leaf’ have you told him to knock it off or you will leave him?

If you won’t leave you’re going to have to get practical. Sort all financials out. It sounds like he will eventually kill himself, so you need to make sure you will be OK.

Does he have any pensions set up? Make sure you are the nominated beneficiary etc. Does he have life insurance? Make sure whatever he is doing isn’t classed as something that would prevent them paying out should something happen to him.

Tell him you won’t be nursing him if he becomes seriously disabled as a result of what he’s doing.

Maybe these conversations will make him realise how serious this is. Maybe not. But if he won’t change his behaviour you have to get organised.

Hope he stops being a fool
💐