DH near death experience but down to his own stupidity.

[breakdown98765]

I’m using a throw away account just in case this becomes outing. I am trying to keep it vague as I need to rant/support and do not want the world putting two-and-two together and thinking I’m a heartless wife while my husband shakes like a leaf in the corner. I’m writing this on relationships and not on AIBU to try to stop the crowd trying to unpick our anonymity.

I was hoping last year would be the wake up call he needed to change his lifestyle. It’s nothing illegal, nor morally wrong, just idiotic at best. I’d say he increases his chances of these NDE by at least 70% by part taking. Something you can get away with when you’re in your early twenties but not when you’ve got a wife, kids and getting older.

The night before the second NDE I had a go at him/‘what are you doing.. this is stupid’. I’ve been a lot more vocal since the first NDE with him being idiotic, so much so his called me a nag/acting like his mother. I’ve wrote on mumsnet before, there’s been an unanimous ‘yep he’s stressed but he needs another outlet/become a real grown up etc’. He’s been in delusion that his choices did not correlate with NDE but there can be absolute no argument with two NDE that this is not a fluke. I guess he thought I was being a nag because I was wrong. Everyone in my immediate circle called it as soon as they heard. His side not so much as they don’t know what he’s doing to contribute to it. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s fell down the stairs but missed out the part of him doing it on stilts. While delusional he’s evidently embarrassed and knows he’ll be judged.

Fortunately he’s got no life altering injuries but now isn't the time for me to be having it out with him. I’ve not been able to eat since it happened. He’s extremely apologetic, again, and beating himself up.

He’s also going to miss out on earning too screwing us financially too. Also another thing we can’t prioritise right now.

I'd imagine it's a NDE in that it's something like he's been working under the car, but instead of using a jack he's balanced the car on crap out of the garage. Then it's given way and landed on his leg, but his head was in that position seconds earlier.

He's then told his family that 'the car fell while I was changing the oil', not mentioning he had it balanced on a stack of newspapers and some bits of old wood.

I'd be absolutely livid OP, so I can understand why you are! It's completely irresponsible to do stupid shit that can hurt you when it's just you that's at risk. When you have a family relying on you - emotionally and financially - then it's next level idiocy.

He's now out of action while he recovers, that's having a financial impact. What does he think your and the DC's future would be looking like right now if he had died?

It sounds like he's really frightened himself. Good. I wouldn't be trying to make him feel better at all, he needs to fully realise how bad it is so he doesn't do it again, as it obviously didn't work last time!

What a superb mental image that conjures up!

I would find it very difficult to process my emotions in your situation... the stress of a near death situation is huge..

Look, essentially it sounds as though he is wilfully being an idiot and has not learned his lesson after 2 NDE. So, in your shoes, I’d make sure I had an up to date will in place. If he refuses to sign it (and thus understand that he is seriously messing with your head every time he behaves like a total fuckwit), you tell him he has 3 choices: 1. Stop being so reckless and get a pro in; 2. Sign the fricking will so that you are at least covered should he kill himself or 3. Pack a bag and move out as you may as well get the finances sorted now and be shot of the stress (and the risk his antics may pose to anyone in the household).

Not sure what else there is to say really, other than I am sure you are questioning why you chose to reproduce with a moron?

Very sorry for what happened OP, and that you didn’t get the support you needed here.

i can only hope your H has learned his lesson!

I am so sorry @breakdown98765 that you are going through this. Not my DH, but my adult son, has made me go through hell with his seemingly suicidal antics, seeking thrills and just not caring. I feel like a hollow shell at this point and I am sure you do too.
It is selfish and frankly abysmal behaviour and worse in a man who has a family who he needs to care about. I would really be struggling with it.

Your additional details re emergency services expecting it to be fatal etc are helpful context. That sounds totally horrific and if it's caused by his willful stupidity, I feel it's unforgivable actually. If he still doesn't believe whatever he is doing is foolish and dangerous, and will leave his family in difficult financial circumstances he's even more of an idiot. This is your turning point. Ultimatum time. Take care of yourself.

I’m guessing with the nice weather we have had recently it’s something like jumping off a bridge into water.

I assume he is doing something DIY based and got electrocuted (extension cables in the rain) but managed to survive. At least I think so would fit

So the post she posted about him using extension leads in the rain … was that just an example or was that THE reason for the NDE ??

Does anyone have a foggiest idea what this post is about ?

It sounds to me @breakdown98765 that he’s reluctant (to the point of childish petulance in calling you a nag and not his mother) to stop even after the shock of the first NDE. I’m unsure if a 2nd NDE will change his mind. In fact he might even think he’s invincible.

You can’t control his actions, or his choices. You can only control yours. So I’d think long and hard if you want to continue being with someone who dismisses your distress for whatever kick he gets out of what he is doing. If he’s refusing to change, then you know that at some point you’ll be here again, the pain of dealing with his lack of care for your emotional wellbeing. You don’t have to stay and take it, you can put your wellbeing (and that of your children) first.

Do you have any real-life support for you to lean on? If not, would you be able to see a counsellor so you can offload? Must be such a mix of emotions, fury mixed with anxiety, and that’ll be hard to cope with if you choose to stay with him.

You’re allowed to be angry! He did a dumb thing which affects your life!
Maybe take a fantastic life insurance policy on him just in case.

As has been said @breakdown98765 you have made this far too vague and cryptic for people to be able to offer constructive advice. Why can't you say what it is you're on about? You made a throwaway account so you could speak freely, and then.... you didn't speak freely....

I mean, is it sky diving with no parachute? Sticking his tongue into a live electric socket? What?!

.

Did he suffer some kind of cognitive impairment in the first NDE that he's gone and done it again?

I would be considering mental help for someone who had hurt themselves badly the first time but went and did it again.

OP, in your place I would tell him clearly that you will NOT be his carer if he is seriously injured.
He will NOT come home to you.

He sounds like a moron.
Couldn't be tolerating that.
Tell everyone what he has done.

Probably time to end your marriage.
He clearly doesn't care about you or his family.

Protect yourself.

You must feel incredibly angry and frightened. Are these experiences always related to DIY type things or is he careless in lots of different respects? If it was just DIY, I'd be issuing an ultimatum that you get tradesmen in for any work that needs doing. If he's careless in other respects, it is more difficult. Has he always been like this? I'd be worried about him hurting me or the children if he is utterly hopeless on a general level. I wouldn't be sympathetic to his idiotic behaviour. In fact, I would be thinking about ending the marriage. The worst thing is not that he could die but that you are left tending somebody who needs constant 24 hour a day care. I personally gave up a very dangerous sport when I saw a bad accident and it gave me the chills that I was really increasing my chances of being a wheelchair user for the rest of my life and how it would affect my family. The person who had the accident was lucky enough to be thrown clear and not badly hurt but it was just that, luck. The thing about dangerous pursuits is that no matter how careful you are and even taking all sort of precautions such as helmets etc, they are intrinsically dangerous and sooner or later you are likely to end up unlucky.

😆

Being struck by lightning whilst wearing a viking helmet during an enacment is hardly risking your life/an extreme activity though. He was just having fun, and got struck by lightning. 😬

Well if you’d been less cryptic and actually said what he did I’m sure more people would agree that he’s a fool but you haven’t so it is very difficult , particularly from your first 3 posts .Hope your migraine gets better soon .

I don’t get the secrecy. Just say what he did

but yes whatever it was - if he is being silly - dangerous - risk to life - ans no income if gets hurt - he is a prat

he now can’t work so no income and obv if the worst had happened he would have died. Left kids without a father and you as a widow

I am a widow

so a serious chat needs to be had @breakdown98765 that if he continues to do this ‘hobby’ that you won’t be with him

Does he drink, take drugs?

Is he engaging in DIY autoerotic asphyxiation or something? Because that's the only thing that springs to mind based on what you've said. I can imagine friends and family would starely blankly and in disbelieving silence if he'd tried to explain that one away with some far fetched story about how he almost accidentally died by strangulation.

It would have shades of 'I fell over and landed on the Henry hoover and the nozzle somhow got wedged 8 inches up my bottom.'

That was an example - she said it was "along the lines" of that

And it wasn't an NDE.

OP I think the grief you're getting on here is because people don't really know what you want from the post as several pp have already said. Do you just want a handhold? Advice on how to handle it? Despite your objections it seems to be you're getting both the above tbh.

If he really is almost dying from these shenadigans then I can see why you're so stressed. We're all different but I think it'd be game over for me especially with children involved. I can barely stand that my dh smokes tbh and have gotten very upset at him about it.

Are you able to say whether the danger is coming from the hobby itself (eg motorbiking/extreme climbing) or is it that he's doing a normal hobby eg fixing up cars but just failing to take the right measures to stay safe. The former I'd at least try to have some understanding that this is something he loves and there's only so safe he can make it. The latter I'd be telling him he stops being a twat right now or I'm off.

Either way You clearly need to be having a very serious conversation with your dh not mumsnet. I'd be encouraging him to also consider whether he needs counselling/mental health support. We all have autonomy and many of us love an adrenaline rush but an emotionally healthy person isn't typically so reckless with their mortality especially when they have dependants.

Start paying into life insurance.

It's not THAT hard to understand. OP hasn't said exactly what the accident/incident was but she's said it was something like DIY (but not necessarily DIY) , i.e. something that is an ordinary everyday non-surprising activity in itself. Something that is not dangerous per se, but can become dangerous if reasonable precautions are not taken or if performed by a reckless idiot. Not a hobby, nothing immoral or illegal or that would be surprising to his friends and family like something sexual or drugs related or drink driving.

The accident(s) were serious and could easily have been fatal (paramedics expected fatalities) but the DH has survived with reasonably injuries, serious enough to need time off work but seemingly is expected to make a full recovery.

To be fair unlike most posters who are coy about details for fear of being outed, I can't imagine there are actually that many middle aged men who have recently twice been lucky enough to survive near-fatal DIY (or whatever it is) incidents so this would potentially be outing (unless OP is wildly exaggerating and at least one injury was a stubbed toe or something) so it's understandable if not obviously 100% necessary for her to be vague.

If you really can't imagine what the incident might be based on what she has told us and reply accordingly without endless pestering of OP for more, then you're welcome to scroll by, I think she has the message now that people would prefer to know the full details!